Sleep can be strange. I recall waking up at 4am every day for about 2 months. Upon waking it was an instant slap in the face of what had happened. After a few hours of hangover all was well. I recommend a gym membership if you don't have one.
Regarding the kids, if there are no temporary orders get possession as much as possible This is for them as well as you. Only use texts or emails to discuss this and make sure to note anytime she declines your wishes to see them. I have heard stories of one parent trying to hoard the kids in order to get preferential custody arrangement. Remind her of the BB tournament as well. That's not fair to the kid if he/she was hoping to play.
I do remember passing out quickly from exhaustion more than anything. My nights were 90 minute sleeps, max. Then jolted awake, get a drink of water, wander a bit, then crash asleep again. Repeat 4 times till morning. The first time you realize you woke up with out her being the first thing on your mind, is really good.
You are correct that your subconscious needs to accept and work through this. It takes time, and being patient. You are healing just fine, and I am impressed at how you are not trying to force things. Well done.
How are you two sharing custody and these last minute changes in arrangements for trips and such?
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Hamburg & DnJ: Yep, sleeping is very strange lately. I am pretty active as far as playing basketball with my boys during the week and playing basketball with my friends on weekends. Although I am considering a gym membership to continue staying active.
Re the kids, I do spend time with them as much as possible. 2 nights ago, my s9 slept over with me and last night s12 was his turn. I do feel that my W is trying to hoard the boys to get that preferential treatment. I don't appreciate her giving me a set time when to bring them home, this was happening prior to me getting an apt. I do feel like sending her a text re my s12's tournament invite this weekend and her rescheduling their out of town trip on the same weekend but I also feel that sending a text adds pressure.
I am consistently and continuously picking up the boys from home (when they're not spending night with me) to drop them off to school. Then after work, I pick them up from home so we can train/play and we eat dinner together.
DnJ: I just read your story and I'm sorry to hear how your W dropped the bomb on you and how she did it on T-Day. I felt the pain you, your children and your family went through. I can't believe how our wives just gave up on everything and everyone they used to love the most. It's unfathomable. Know that we're all here to support you as well.
I would peak at your county's temporary orders and use that time as a drop off. My county says 6pm. If she bothers you, just text her you'll drop them off at x:xx time. That is YOUR time with the kids, not hers. You are likely in a position where you want to tread lightly and do anything to please her. Don't let her dictate things, it will only get worse once she thinks you're her lap dog.There are ample chances to be nice in other ways, but don't compromise when it comes to your dignity or the kids. It sounds harsh, but if I could do it all over again I would have done so much differently.
Thank you for the kind and empathic words. Unfathomable is a very apt description of our wives behaviours.
At first I just couldn’t believe what she had done, threw away everything and everyone. Then I healed some more and it got worse and better - I do believe what she’s done and doing. A simple statement with much meaning.
It is quite possible that W is hoarding the kids for preferential treatment and a better settlement. Some (most ?) MLCers will use the kids to their own benefit, the crisis is all about them after all. She has stated she is seeking 75/25 split. You cannot reason with her, or expect her to see how a 50/50 is better. She will dig her heals in very deep.
If I recall you have a mediation meeting in about three weeks. That should be very telling.
Have you seen a lawyer about what you can do right now? What you can force right now? What your rights are, and what you can reasonable expect to happen?
I think you have. You could, should, have another sessions and explain your W’s latest rearranging of the schedule and your desire for 50/50. See if you have any solid immediate recourse. Remember this is just information, you need not necessarily follow it.
To my limited knowledge, the kids are both her’s and your’s. You do not have to bring them back to her any more than she has to for you. Neither of you has primary custody rights. You are being a good person and she is taking advantage.
Now that may just be a good thing, she might just be more willing to negotiate. That is usually better than the court ordered default settlement. In the beginning MLCers are more generous than later on, as a general rule.
You already have seen just how unbelievable she has behaved. Her values and what she values are irrational and messed up. A lot of crisis people do not really want the responsibility of children (mine certainly didn’t). Keep an open mind, a shut mouth, and let her lead herself and you to what she truly is after. It could be she is willing to settle for less time with the kids for more immediate access to funds. I don’t know, she might not know either. However, if she proposes something and you like it, those are the negotiations that she would agree to, she will be less agreeable to any you propose. This takes a certain finesse to get her to lead you along. You could end up with 75/25 in your favour.
Figure out what you are truly after, and what you can let go of, and what you can settle with. This why those initial meetings with a lawyer are so important, they set the stage in your mind of what your willing to do and what you will fight for. There is a lot to accept with all of this. This is probably the biggest decision of your life, do not take it, or make it, lightly.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Hamburg: Will do just that and thanks again!. Yep, I will need to assert myself.
DNJ: Thank you. Mediation is set on 5/24. I still need to file my response to her petition and I have 2 weeks to do it. Yep, been talking to my colleague attorney and he's giving me the best advice (he took family law). He'll most likely review my response and confirm if it's good to go. What I'm truly after is joint physical/legal custody 50/50 for the best interest of the children. The boys needs both of us. Also, I want no child support nor spousal support since we both get paid the same and both can support the boys on our own. Yes, it's very hard without a partner but it's doable.
Update: 2 nights ago, she sent me a text around 11:09 pm saying: "Hi, I just wanna say congrats on your new place". I didn't respond til 630 am the next day and simply replied, "G'morning. Thanks." Then 1.5 hrs later she sent me a text re the internet/cable bills asking if I've already sent my share for it. My reply was, "I'm now on a tight budget, I'm by myself and no one is really helping me with my rent and utility bills. I also stated, "unlike in your household, you all can support each other when it comes to the mortgage and the bills". I also mentioned re my response to her petition and how it'll cost me $435 for the court fee. What a waste of money. She then replied by reminding me how we agreed on me still helping out with their mortgage and internet/cable bills and how "it's for the boys". My reply was to let her know that unfortunately things have changed and me trying to get situated are also "for the boys". I also told her that my current situation is really hard right now and kinda mentioned how our life was easy then when we're together compared to now.
I had the boys slept over with me last night since they're going out of town from Fri-Sun. I did mention to her that our eldest was looking forward to competing this weekend. Of course she never responded.
I am glad you are speaking with an attorney. It looks like you have a reasonable idea in mind.
A good rule of thumb regarding speaking with W - wait 24 hours, or better yet 48 hours, unless it is an emergency or something important about the kids. This will give you time to gather your thoughts, and let feelings subside a little. You can even ask someone to read over your response before replying, lots of people here have traveled the road you’re on and can offer suggestions.
I’ll offer mine for the conversation you had.
2 nights ago, she sent me a text around 11:09 pm saying: "Hi, I just wanna say congrats on your new place".
I didn't respond til 630 am the next day and simply replied, "G'morning. Thanks."
Well done. You waited and kept it short and businesslike.
Then 1.5 hrs later she sent me a text re the internet/cable bills asking if I've already sent my share for it.
My reply was, "I'm now on a tight budget, I'm by myself and no one is really helping me with my rent and utility bills. I also stated, "unlike in your household, you all can support each other when it comes to the mortgage and the bills". I also mentioned re my response to her petition and how it'll cost me $435 for the court fee. What a waste of money.
Proposed: The next day I sent “No.”
(Don’t feed her. She doesn’t care about your finances, it shows in her next response to you. And she sure doesn’t want to hear any blame and judgement. Yes, it is totally justified and you are correct. However, it really will do no good, and just get you upset and cause problems, especially when trying to negotiate.)
She then replied by reminding me how we agreed on me still helping out with their mortgage and internet/cable bills and how "it's for the boys".
My reply was to let her know that unfortunately things have changed and me trying to get situated are also "for the boys". I also told her that my current situation is really hard right now and kinda mentioned how our life was easy then when we're together compared to now.
Proposed: <nothing>
(There was no question. Keep things businesslike. Don’t take the bait. She is looking for a fight, for justification, and the “it’s for the boys” is just a way to try to get at you. Don’t fall for it. You aren’t even considering spousal support because you both make similar income, so she doesn’t need your support now.)
I had the boys slept over with me last night since they're going out of town from Fri-Sun. (Good. Focus on the boys and you. Enjoy your time with them.)
I did mention to her that our eldest was looking forward to competing this weekend.
(Unneeded. She already knows and still changed the dates and is still going.)
Those responses, well lack of responses, might looks harsh or mean to you, at the moment.
She is actively seeking divorce, and you do not live in the same house. JN you have your own bills to pay (something you attempted to explain to her). Mediation is 6 weeks away, and I do understand and think that “playing nice” is a good idea. So be friendly and businesslike, like speaking with your boss. Keep you replies short and to the point. She cannot, and will not, read a long reply. Remember this is all emotionally based and all about her.
Did you agree to split the mortgage and internet/cable bills? Or was it more vague like?
This highlights an interesting trait that MLCers seem to share. They have Swiss cheese memories, but can bring up things you do wrong or something you said that can be used against you. It is good to keep conversations simple and clear. And in written form, like a text or email.
Don’t worry JN, you did fine. It is difficult when our spouses reach back to us, stirs up a lot of emotions. Come here and vent, tell us, share what you are going to tell her before you send it. Buy yourself some time, it really does help.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Solid advice DnJ. I will add that you need to beware of niceness. It's only in her favor. As you can see, you waited until the next morning to respond and the, boom, 1.5 hours later came the punchline. She's not going to suddenly change and start being consistently nice without needing something in return. DnJ said it best. Take time when responding. Anything that can be spun into you agreeing will be her ammo in mediation. Especially if in written form. It is so hard to wrap your head around right now but it's the truth. She is out for herself, period. From the get go, my father told me "she wants nothing to do with you." I didn't digest this for months, but it was/is true. Please don't take this as us ganging up on you, or that you did something wrong. We are here to help and you must absolutely protect you and your kids. As a general rule, if you're on the fence about something, take some time. Hang in there.
DnJ and Hamburg: Hope you guys had a great weekend. Thanks again to both of you for the solid advise. I will continue to keep my responses short and businesslike. Just to refresh you guys, 2 days prior to me being kicked out of their house on 3/8/19, she told me, "if I would've paid for all of our bills, I would've given us another chance", my reply was, "if that's what'll take for us to stay intact, I will". Her response was, "do all that but you still gotta leave...". I told her, "how am I supposed to support myself while paying for everything?". That was very cold and disrespectful on her part.
As I was moving from one relative's place to another during my apartment hunting, I was still helping out with their mortgage and other bills. Told her that I'll try my best to support as much as I can. But now that I have my own apt (since I'm claiming joint custody 50/50), with rent and my own bills to pay, I thought it was time to just focus on my own and the boys only.
My s9 is turning 10 tomorrow - something to be happy about. W sent me a text on Sat morning asking what my plans are for him, I replied by saying, "maybe dinner for four since that's his request?". Her reply was, "I'll let you know". I wouldn't count on it though. I kinda figured it'll be just be me and the boys for my youngest's birthday dinner - which I really don't mind at all. The boys also started their spring break this week. The W actually took the boys to Disneyland yesterday - part of her 3 day out of town plan.
With that said, while they were out, on Sat I decided to grab all my personal belongings from their house. Spoke to my in-laws and they're really bummed out about our situation. My mother-in-law who has Parkinson's was very sad and teary eyed and asked if it's really over between her daughter and me. I told her, "mom, I really didn't' want to end this, it's her choice. You guys will always be family to me and thank you for accepting me as your son-in-law. Only time will tell if we'll reconcile." I also told my father-in-law where the location of my apt is and told him they're always welcome to stop by anytime.
I'm excited to see my boys again tonight. It's only been 2 days but it feels like forever. LoL
