Midlife crisis wife2

[SteveLW]

IHC, the thing is that your W would think those things about you whether you took the MBR back or not. The difference is that since you took the MBR, she may STILL think you are last minute, vindictive and manipulative. But she respects you whether she admits it or not.

What we are trying to tell Wolf is that moving back in, take the MBR back etc will not make his W happy....but she will respect him.

No WAW ever came back to the MR because the LBH rolled over and played dead.

[AnotherStander]

Wolf. I'm in a world of [censored] emotionally being around the W in the IHS. W totally resents me for taking back the MBR as a big FU!. I did it on the night I was supposed to move into the basement from the guest room. As advice from everyone here. W perspective is I moved back at the last minute and force her to leave the MBR, because she thinks I do everything at the last minute and I'm vindictive and manipulative. But whatever that's her opinion and I don't care. That's my truth.

IH, this is a good, honest post and definitely shows Wolf and others what their realistic expectations should be of performing such an action. People want to know what the "right" thing to do or what "wrong" thing not to do. Here is the horror of dealing with a WAS- NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO IT IS WRONG IN HER EYES. Yes that deserves emphasis, because this is the truth of the situation for every LBS on here. You can't "nice" her back. You can't "mean" her back. You can't negotiate/beg/plead/ransom/extort/threaten/buy her back ANYTHING YOU DO IS WRONG. She doesn't like you, she may hate you, she may find you repulsive. So what do you do, you do everything for YOU. You do it because it is the right thing to do to help yourself progress into a better person, REGARDLESS of the reaction from your WAS.

So what does this mean regarding moving back in, well first of all to anyone reading this that is still in the MBR, STAY THERE AND DO NOT LEAVE. The best action is not to leave in the first place. THAT is your power play. That is you saying "W, you may be leaving me and the M, but you will NOT push me around, I will NOT lose respect for myself due to your actions." But if you do leave, we recommend going back because while not as good as never leaving to begin with, it does make a similar statement- "W, I let you temporarily get to me but not now, I'm taking my balls out of your purse and placing them back between my legs where they belong and if you don't like it, frankly my dear I don't give a damn." You CANNOT be worried about her reaction, because if you are then you're doing it for the wrong reasons. A side effect from this is despite her ranting and raving about how you are mean and don't listen to her and are ruining any chances of recon, deep inside there will be a small blossom of respect that she will NEVER show you. And if you keep making YOUR OWN way forward, and drop the rope, and quit sweating her BS, that respect will continue to grow until it makes her start questioning whether leaving you really is the smart play.

Now please do NOT keep asking us whether you should move back or not. You ask it several times daily. DO or DO NOT. Be a man and make a decision and stick to it. We are here to support you whether you follow our advice or not. But you've got to start manning up and beat down your fears.

[Ready2Change]

A woman wants her man to protect her. If you can't stand up to her BS, how can you protect her? This is how she thinks.


In your wife's eyes, you are a beta male. She wants an aplha. It can be you or another guy. Be an alpha male.

We all learned how to be Alpha during our sitch. Some of us attracted our wives back and some of us didn't. Either way it is OK.

[SteveLW]

A woman wants her man to protect her. If you can't stand up to her BS, how can you protect her? This is how she thinks.


In your wife's eyes, you are a beta male. She wants an aplha. It can be you or another guy. Be an alpha male.

We all learned how to be Alpha during our sitch. Some of us attracted our wives back and some of us didn't. Either way it is OK.

But I guarantee you attracted another woman in the process. Women want an Alpha.

[gzabetas]

IHCLACS, I for sure was not a mind reader and body language and the silent treatment werent really pointing me in any specific direction. Divorce was not on my horizon.

I had numerous reasons to attribute her foul mood:

Post-partem depression after our baby sons birth.
Painful periods and mood swings associated with them.
Signs of early menopause, yes even in her late 20s as weird as it seems. It happens.
Acne treatment pills she was taking that warned us had emotional side-effects. Suicidal tendencies were possible.
Childhood trauma from parents fighting daily.
Not getting her dream career going.

And then when I got BD I was like .
OH wait, this is about me. I am at fault for everything. Its not all that other stuff. But of course.

How could I not connect your foul moods and temper tantrums with me not being loving enough.

Question to the guys out there btw. How does one approach and hug a wife when she is angry for days.
It feels like wrestling a crocodile.
All I needed was a hug she told me once.
So he next time I went in for a hug I got slapped.

[IHCLACS]

Ouch. You got slapped? WTFF? Sounds like your W is emotionally hot and cold, either as side affects, or years of rumination?... I wish I could understand how they think we are expected to pick up on all of their cues. Granted we are supposed to pay attention to their wants and needs. But how are we supposed to know if they don't tell us. Guess that's why we have to ask questions impartially before we ever get to BD huh?

[AnotherStander]

Question to the guys out there btw. How does one approach and hug a wife when she is angry for days.
It feels like wrestling a crocodile.

Yes it's about the same and it is why you just don't do it.

All I needed was a hug she told me once.
So he next time I went in for a hug I got slapped.

What you need to understand about WAS's is when they say stuff like that, it's not because they want you to start doing it (they don't). It's because they want to blame you for everything that's ever gone wrong, is going wrong and ever will go wrong. You don't fix that by running up to her for a hug every time you see her. You fix it by leaving her the H alone. Detach. Get out. GAL. Give her time and space. Period! The only exception might be something really unusual, like one of her parents die or she's diagnosed with a terminal illness. At times like that you just do what is right.

[Wolfman]

Yesterday was a crazy day. It’s started off with a phone call from my daughter at 7:30 that they were locked out of the house. I’m already at work, so I head to head back, on 20 minutes away. While driving my W calls, she is hysterical crying and blaming me for her locking herself out. That I have done this to her, I made her life $hi#, I have ruined her life. I told her to not speak to me that way and I am on my way and will talk when I get there. When I arrived I opened the door to let them in. She had stopped crying when I arrived but now it was pure anger. Again, blaming me for this horrible life all in front of the kids. I asked her to please not speak to me like that in front of the kids. She said oh now you want to speak appropriately in front of the kids? She said you can take them to school I have to get to work. I said not a problem I don’t want you to be anymore late than you are. As she was walking out the door she said thanks for letting me in.
20 minutes later she text me thanking me again. Then asked if I was ok. I said yeah, why? Her response was just making sure that she has so much anger built up inside. And told me how bad she bruised her hand because she punched the garage door.
Then 11:30 I get a call from my w’s phone and when I answer it’s one of her colleagues, she said they had to call an ambulance because she was having chest pain, shortness of breath, light headed and dizzy and felt like she was going to pass out. So I asked what hospital they were taking her too and would meet her there. I met her at the hospital and seemed ok. They had to take test on her heart and blood. Everything came back ok. It was just a panic attack. I stayed with her the entire time for about 4 hours she was at the hospital. Wasn’t a lot of talk when we were together, she was completely exhausted and kept dozing off. I then drove her back to her job for her to pick up her car.
Later on in the evening my buddy calls me and says did you see what your w posted on FB? I said no why. He said she thanked her friend for going with her in the ambulance with her to the hospital but no mention of me. When I tried to find the post I realized she restricted me on FB. I went out of my way for her twice took all that garbage. And that is the thanks I get.

[SteveLW]

Two things Wolf.

Your W is suffering from major anxiety right now. I've seen it before, the wild mood swings, her reaction to the lock out, the panic attack. Be aware that you will be the blame and the target of all of that. Remember, WASs put the blame for all their ills on the LBS.

Second, please watch expectations. You did nothing wrong. Going to unlock the house after they were locked out. Going to the hospital. Helping her with picking up the car. I would have done all of that in your shoes too. But here is the thing......YOU CANNOT NICE HER BACK TO THE MARRIAGE. While deep down she appreciated it, and while she relies on you more than she wants to admit (and resents you for that as well!). So do things like you did yesterday because it is the right thing to do. Do not do it if you expect to curry favor and/or score points.

Wolf, one thing to keep in mind. I know you've struggled with moving back or not. This is a perfect example of her getting the benefits of you being there and being her H, but yet you are not living in your own home and sleeping in the MBR. She is cake eating.

Hang in there man, I know it is rough.

[gzabetas]

IHCLACS and AnotherStrander thanks for the feedback. I really need to keep hearing those voices of reason.
AnotreStander, I definetily hear you. I am tired of walking on eggshells around her. For years.


Detachment is where we all fail or succeed. There is no other solution.

And same goes to you Wolfman. I understand you got worried sick and rushed to her. Thats normal.
But always keep something inside you safe and distanced. Protect that.

And I am also saying it so I can hear myself saying it too.

This is terrible stuff we are going thru. Yesterday when I visited a customer, he told me that I was very thin.
While talking to them my hand started shaking. I went outside and had a smoke to calm down.

He was telling me about his own surgery last week, and when he asked whats wrong with me I couldnt reply.
Words couldnt come out to describe what I am going thru.
If I had told him divorce he probably would have laughed compared to his problems.
And yet I couldnt even speak of my issues. Guilt,stigma I dont know why. I froze.
He probably thought i was very sick, when I left.