I call it groundhogs day around here because when a new person comes to the board and I read their story it is to the point where everything is predictable. The script the WW uses. The begging, pleading and denial the LBS does/is in. Are there one offs? Sure. Does everyone think their sitch is different? Yes.
Does it mean to lose hope? No. I can tell already that you will be fine one way or another. Now I can tell you that there is evidence to support that at some point you may have a good chance to recon. AS (please chime in) has in the past indicated that he had surveyed something like 12-13 LBS in real life and they had indicated that in (AS correct if I am wrong) in 10 of the instances the LBS attempted recon and I believe in the majority the LBS had already moved on.
I'm at 8 months from living with my ex and I am starting to see cracks in her foundation. Recently her contact has increased with me and I was just away for work and she texted the day I was leaving "I hope you have a safe trip home". Now does it mean she wants to recon? Not necessarily but I still must be on her mind.
We don't get the data because most don't come back to update but from everything seems to point to time, space and moving on (they can feel when you moved on). Take some time and read Accuray posts. IMO he understands the dynamics better then anybody.
You know my XW has her moments. She will send me pictures of the kids and what they are doing, will still ask me for some advice but I will say she has not done what LH just wrote about telling me to have a safe trip.
I think what they all have in common is that the LBS had completely moved on with their life when the one that left came sniffing back around.
You can only control your side of the fence. I thought I was a DBing prodigy and did many things right than wrong however my XW has never shown an interest in returning. If she thought about it the thoughts were fleeting.
Really for it to happen the alignment has to be almost perfect.
I'm still very hopeful that my sitch will show signs of R sooner rather than later although I do admit the R/piecing will be the long/hard part for our sitch (if we get there) - but I do feel I have the strength to keep that idea on the 'back burner' - meaning I'm committed to detachment - simply because waiting seems too painful.
TB, I quickly read you original posts. Some differences that I notice to my sitch to yours and others (although I need to read a lot more - will now be checking out Accuray per LH) - but from your thread and others that commented on it:
1. My wife has never said that she doesn't love me anymore 2. Has never said she's not attracted to me (actually said the opposite) 3. I never had a problem being over critical of my wife 4. I have/had a life (too much of one) this is one of the complaints at BD 5. She firmly believes I'm a good father <-- I'm confident she believes this 100% although I could have done more during MR 6. My wife makes pretty good money and although I'll be paying child support the amount will be very small. Basically just supplementing a little not supporting. But she has a lot of debt that is not mine - so my wife will feel a financial pinch 7. We live a VERY good lifestyle - Shes' Giving up country club, bigger vacations (for her and the kids), great neighborhood for her and the kids. 8. She works from home (which will now be the apartment) which she will spend A lot of time in (I think this will get a bit claustrophobic 9. BD was relatively confusing as she really didn't have a lot other than neglect of her and some household/parenting duties. Which I fully admit is true, but not from the degree perspective she's seeing it now. We have a large yard I do all my own yard work - so our relationship was more of a traditional one (she did inside the home, I did outside) - my point is; I was not absentee. But I definitely played too much golf on the weekends and left her with the kids alone WAY too much. <-- easily fixable. 10. Will not stop wearing her ring - and fought me when I told her to sell it for cash.
This is why I'm torn by the definition of WW or MLC - I do have some stuff to work on but looking back it does not seem to be that bad. My wife has no hobbies. Never really has, all she has ever wanted was to be a mom. Now that that is so fulfilling she's blaming a lot on me. Generally I know this is the 'script' but it seems that in a lot of other sitches there might have been a lot more negative things going on. I know this might be some repetition for those of you that have followed my thread - but my sitch feels more like a 'normal' growing apart and letting the kids dominate 100% leaving nothing for the MR. The WW has just been her way of acting out to find recognition/attention. She also has not neglected the kids too much during this entire sitch. Too much on her phone, not totally present but generally still very involved in every aspect. Has not 'dumped' any on me. I have started to do a lot more due to 180 - but she has not shown signs of really wanting to let go of everything. Furthermore, her WW lifestyle might have something to do with my cheating - which she just found out about (revenge) - maybe instead of her new way of life??
I know i"m still probably plan B in her head - but only because she doesn't know what she wants, not because she's so sure she doesn't want me.
I know, I know - let me have it. PLEASE! I only continue to write this stuff cause it's how I currently feel. And I may need the 2x4's upside the head to get me out of this thinking.
H(me:) 44 W: 45 T: 16yrs M: 13 S: 9 S: 6 Pre BD (not really recognized by either) 8/18 PA 11/18 PA suspected 12/22/18 (Denied) PA confirmed 12/28/18 PA #2 (Different) 2/16/19 S: 4/7/2019
I don't think you need a 2x4 you just are still trying to rationalize and understand how this happened and how in the heck you got to this place. What your going through is perfectly normal. From my experience though you will probably never be able to understand it. I still don't understand mine but I have come to accept it.
The thing is Divorce does not discriminate between those who are wealthy, middle class or poor. It very well could have nothing to do with you.
The one thing you are guilty of is trying to place tangible items on the reason why she should stay. Trips, cars, houses, etc. Do you really want her to stay because of those things? You want her to stay because of the love she has for you not what material items or status she stands to lose.
Wow.. as I write/wrote all of the above - it's clear I'm having a pretty tough day today. On one hand trying to defend my sitch and how 'positive' it might be compared to others. I'm now realizing I might have been having a few good days as my wife was down with the flu. I was able to be 'helpful' without pursuing. I was able to feel like I was 'doing something', I was able to give a hug when asked, but also show that it was authentic on only the most basic human level. I was DB'ing! But still doing it for her.
Now as she's better and having conversations with me... I ALMOST LOST ALL OF MY GROUND. She was talking to me about the kids and homework schedule after she moves out. And this almost came out of my lips "So, how are you feeling about all of this?" - I really wanted a temperature check after the last few days. I know some of this is also withdrawals from snooping as I would normally be able to snoop and find out what she says to others.
now I'm in the dumps, unable to focus on the work I need to do, and spending time on this board trying to 'solve' my problem. Which is impossible!
I've found some good posts which directed me to a book I will start to read tonight - "Daring Greatly" about how to be vulnerable. Also going to reread all of Sandi's post about WW.
Good news! The above words DID NOT COME OUT OF MY MOUTH. Was calm and never discussed anything then what she brought up about the kids. Whew.. although the urge was strong I'm sure the regret after would have been even stronger.
Deep breath! Back to work - needed to dump.
H(me:) 44 W: 45 T: 16yrs M: 13 S: 9 S: 6 Pre BD (not really recognized by either) 8/18 PA 11/18 PA suspected 12/22/18 (Denied) PA confirmed 12/28/18 PA #2 (Different) 2/16/19 S: 4/7/2019
I don't think you need a 2x4 you just are still trying to rationalize and understand how this happened and how in the heck you got to this place. What your going through is perfectly normal. From my experience though you will probably never be able to understand it. I still don't understand mine but I have come to accept it.
The thing is Divorce does not discriminate between those who are wealthy, middle class or poor. It very well could have nothing to do with you.
The one thing you are guilty of is trying to place tangible items on the reason why she should stay. Trips, cars, houses, etc. Do you really want her to stay because of those things? You want her to stay because of the love she has for you not what material items or status she stands to lose.
First, thanks for your reply.
No, I do not want her to stay for those things. Its not that she can't survive and even thrive without me. It's only hope that the lifestyle she is currently living does not fulfill her and that along with all of the other 'pinches' (space, security, family, money) causes her to break the affair fog. I'm only implying/thinking that the rush/feeling of the affairs and the lifestyle doesn't really go on that long because of all of this (including the big one of loss of marriage). This is coupled with the thought/believe that our life/relationship really was not THAT bad. And that her happiness is fully in her control (without girls gone wild lifestyle) - with me or even with somebody else.
You're right - I'm grasping for her to find some logic in her situation. That would seemingly make it easier even if she didn't chose me again. At least then I could better understand the reason(s) this is happening.
H(me:) 44 W: 45 T: 16yrs M: 13 S: 9 S: 6 Pre BD (not really recognized by either) 8/18 PA 11/18 PA suspected 12/22/18 (Denied) PA confirmed 12/28/18 PA #2 (Different) 2/16/19 S: 4/7/2019
I really hope she turns it around but I think you really need to prepare for the worst. Its an unfortunate situation but as LH says it has to get worse before it gets better. There is also really no logic to the situation. What wife would want to give up her family, her house, her husband, etc. to go live in a apartment to go have an affair??? To her it makes sense but to you its not logical.
When I started to believe that it was more about her than me it helped. Not going to lie though I cried my eyes out, could not sleep at night, and didn't eat for over a week. I couldn't even mow the yard without breaking down. In many ways it felt like a death. I remember hanging on every word, not being able to understand how she could do this to the kids. 2 years later I still have no answers but I am not the only one either.
Just know it gets better, eventually you hate feeling like crap, you will experience every emotion you can think of and swing back and forth between them all. You can hope all you want just don't let that hope stop you from moving forward. You do have a long road ahead of you and you will get tired of analyzing her every move.
It is a very good thing that you stopped snooping.
When LH said you will be fine either way he mean that whether you recon with your W or not he knows that YOU will ne just fine either way.
Just remember you are the prize and you don't want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you.
