Dealing with a complex MLC and/or Wayward Wife

[LH19]

PJ,

It’s very unlikely that your W is thinking about whether she wants to reconcile or work on the marriage. Right now she is 100% convinced that getting rid of you is the key to her happiness. The only thing she is concerned with you right now is that you are still on the hook to be her back up plan.

[P_Jam]

PJ,

It’s very unlikely that your W is thinking about whether she wants to reconcile or work on the marriage. Right now she is 100% convinced that getting rid of you is the key to her happiness. The only thing she is concerned with you right now is that you are still on the hook to be her back up plan.

Hi LH! Thank you! I need you to keep reminding me this. Currently I haven't internalized this fully. I still believe that she is not 100% convinced that getting rid of me is the key to her happiness. I believe she is still genuinely confused and although she is doing her best to continue to justify her actions by making me the problem - it's not fully set in yet. <-- this is either my 'hope' or my naivete - only time will tell, so please continue to keep me on my toes. As I also know that even if I'm more right than you, my strategy for detachment and dropping the rope to work solely on myself does not change not matter who might be 'right'. And simple reminders like this help me get through the days that I'm not as confident - Like today. She is back from being sick and back to work and we are both working from home today. She is out now at her new apartment as her couch is getting delivered. Again, I hope these 'waves' subside a little when she is out of the house and I don't have/get to know everything that she is doing. My biggest fear at this point is that when she moves out and I try NC (accept for the kids) that she mirrors me and I see no results. <-- Yes, I know... this my issue with expectations and not detachment. But I believe we all go through this and it's a process. Hopefully as I'm working on myself the motivation for NC becomes more about me and not the expected results.

Update for you all on me seeing OW:
I had a good conversation with my IC yesterday. And although he generally agreed that I don't owe her anything, and that doing this MIGHT make detachment a little easier. It is important for me to really take the additional time after she moves out to face my loneliness head-on "A lone". Continue the sexual sabbatical AT LEAST one month after she is gone maybe 2. Be comfortable with the situation and myself let it all sink in before making this decision. There is really no right/wrong as this step is concerned unless the decision is made in haste. He reminded me that some of the motivation could be revenge. Even if it doesn't feel 'angry' it currently feels like a tit for tat. Furthermore, because some of the issues I need to work on (the reason I cheated) very likely are related to my want/need for OW right now - and that is something that I need to work through for my personal growth (or at least better understand) before I jump into it.

So, I plan to take this advice stay 'clean' while I go through the first initial steps of starting to heal (which really won't start until she is out of the house regardless of how long I have been refraining from sex).

Definitely the hardest thing I have EVER gone through, but for an anxious/control person that has always had issues with rumination/worry - I do still give myself some credit as I have been able to 'worry' less in this situation even though I"m not yet detached. Even on down days I find that writing here allows me to release and move on for the day. Still feeling a bit down, but not 'worrying' and not as focused on her.. just accepting that I'm sad today and this too shall pass.

so here is to another day! Thank you all for listening.

[LH19]

PJ,

I think you need to prepare yourself that in the beginning she will view it as better, mainly because she'll find new found freedom and has convinced herself that its what she wants. It may take six months or two years for reality to set in, but it certainly will.

It sounds like the real question is whether you are willing to wait that long.

[TBSakaJ9]

When my XW first moved out to her apartment you would have thought she was moving into a 6000 sq ft mansion she was so excited she could barely contain herself.

[P_Jam]

LH,
Again you give sound advice. I've thought about that a lot but don't know how to prepare myself for such. Other than do what I"m doing. Continue to try and detach and work on myself and therefore also enjoy the new found freedom. I know from your perspective it's 99% Naivete but my 'gut' tells me differently. It could be the kids response when they finally realize what is about to happen to their lives (cause they are so young and at this point have really seen nothing different between us - they just know about the new apartment) and she is a truly devoted mother. Could be if/when she actually gets some IC as she has said she will. Could just be her missing me (as I know she has already had these feelings relatively strongly during IHS). Could be that none of the PA's/EA's work out to anything satisfying - or even better, the strong EA - doesn't even imply that he would leave his current wife/sitch for her. Could be a combination of all of the above. But deep down I feel that the work I'm doing on myself (180). The true effort to detach and the kids - is going to affect her. I know she still has a lot of love for me, this has really never been in question (currently may not respect me per NMMNG). She is just not 'happy' and the sooner she realizes that her happiness is more in her control than mine - she may lift out of this. Now, the bigger possibility is that I"m correct in the above, but she doesn't feel that we can actually R based on all of the cheating - she may not feel it's possible or worth it. <-- this seems more realistic then her continuing GGW for years. Again, i'm just sharing my feelings. I'm aware I could be completely wrong and you completely right. I'm doing everything I can to prepare for the worst. But this is how I"m currently feeling and don't know how to change it. I don't expect you to agree either. I continue writing as a form of my own therapy.

The fact remains that I have feelings that still oscillate in the other direction as well. If you look at my post from yesterday I was much more confident even when assuming the worst. At this point I'm getting much more confident in the unknown, but not more confident in worst case scenario.. If I could I would. My number 1-2 goals now is to SHOW her that I'm not available as an option while other affairs are going on. - Period. And detachment and focus on myself. Working these goals simultaneously should help me get to a better place emotionally as it relates to future options. But you are correct - I'm almost 100% positive that if I do this correctly (focusing on me and my issues) I most likely will not be an option for her 6 months to a year from now. That takes me back to the point of OW and me focusing on truly moving on (not waiting). If somehow we reconnect in a year just because her (or my) other options didn't work out - that's different than continuing to focus on her/DB and 'waiting'.

[P_Jam]

When my XW first moved out to her apartment you would have thought she was moving into a 6000 sq ft mansion she was so excited she could barely contain herself.

Did she have young kids to deal with at the time? And know.. that until last week I was still 'spying' and although she is doing what she can to make the best of it.. she isn't really excited for the change. She feels it necessary but feels a pit/knot in her stomach every time she goes there. <- now as LH says, this might change. She might get more excited as the freedom sets in (every other week) - but she's not as gung-ho right now.

[TBSakaJ9]

Yep...my daughters were 8 and 6 the apartment was 1200 sq ft.. It doesn't matter they are away from you and that is all they care about. The time away from you and the kids is worth it to them.

[AnotherStander]

PJ, sounds like some good, sound advice from your IC. I wouldn't set a specific timeline to the sabbatical though, just take the time to recenter yourself and see how it goes. We all need to relearn to be happy alone before getting involved in relationships again even if they're limited to physical gratification. I think that's one thing most of us fear or feared after BD is the thought of being alone, maybe forever. Being alone can be a very good, healthy thing though. We need to relearn that we don't NEED someone in our lives to "complete us" (my IC absolutely hated that phrase!) Wanting someone is fine, needing them is not.

[P_Jam]

Yep...my daughters were 8 and 6 the apartment was 1200 sq ft.. It doesn't matter they are away from you and that is all they care about. The time away from you and the kids is worth it to them.

Wow.. see I'm not unique and I'm probably in for some real heartbreak and hard lessons in the coming months. Seems so impossible how these people COMPLETELY change and become someone you can't even recognize. I'll be looking to read about your sitch TBSakaJ9

[TBSakaJ9]

No dude you are not unique. When they are done they are done and by the time 97% of the people make it here it is way too late. I also think I am being generous with the 97%.

Truthfully it is more to do about them than anything to do with you. We all could have been better spouses including them and you also could have been the perfect spouse and to some it wouldn't matter.

As soon as my children got to the point to where they were more self sufficient and she felt like she got through the hard years of when they were toddlers it was time for her to live the free life.

Getting child support from me and only having the kids 50% of time is like a vacation for her.