WAW says I'm the "perfect husband and partner"

[Ready2Change]

So I fly back home in 2 days. Still nervous, but feeling like a much more confident me.

Get a new hairstyle. Be in new stylish clothes. Smell different. Be different.

read this:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2057372#Post2057372


Re-read your thread.

I'm really curious if anyone has advice about how to deal with physical contact. I know that I shouldn't initiate at all, but if she initiates physical contact - i.e. holding hands or more, how do I handle this? I've been reading here that I shouldn't embrace too much if we hug, and treat that as if it were an acquaintance, which I can handle.

Let her initiate. Do less that her. IE let her into your space. Do not go into her personal space. IF she comes in for a kiss, offer your cheek.

I'm sure if she stays at the house that we'll end up having at least a small amount of time together, watching a show or movie.

I would be busy taking care of things. Leave the house to catch up with a friend or two.

Is this okay, and is more casual physical contact okay or even good, i.e. resting hands, arms on each other, or should I be keeping my distance - sitting farther apart or on a different couch? I really want to be prepared so that I can do this naturally when we're together.

Do not overthink this.

be this guy:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2057224


MOST IMPORTANT:

Always leave first. Always end conversations first.

[Ready2Change]

I know that I should be ignoring W's texts, but I really really like getting them.

It is not about ignoring the text. It is about how you respond. Steve's advise above is dead on. Read it again.

You are not busy enough. Focus on doing things that you enjoy. Things that you want to do. Things that you need to do. Get out of your head. Be in the moment.

Next time W text about the dog:
H:"W, thanks for sharing. I plan on taking him to the park when I get back."

Take the dog to the park. (Multiple times a day). Do not invite W. If she asks to go, say yes.

[Jamine]

Thanks for the advice, R2C. Getting a haircut today, and maybe I'll go shopping for some new clothes before I head back home.

I'll definitely be staying busy for the 5 days that I'm home - no idea if she'll be around to notice, but I'll be out regardless. Planning to meet up with a buddy or two over the weekend, and take the dog out for hikes a lot. Feeling so much better about myself since this process began; if W opens her eyes she'll see a different person.

[Ready2Change]

perfect

[Jamine]

So, I'm back home. Flights got all messed up yesterday, so it was a very long trip. W said she wanted to pick me up from the airport, but when my arrival got severely delayed I told her not to worry about it and got an Uber.

It's weird. W left me the MBR without me asking, and just yelled "hi" from the guest room when I came in. This morning, she barely talked as we both got ready. I took the dog on a walk in the morning, and when I got back in she said, "can we talk about logistics tonight?". I said I have plans (just a workout, but didn't tell her that), but I'll see. She didn't look me in the eye, really look at me at all, or ask me any questions about my month long trip or travel back. I have to admit I look really good right now with all of my healthy eating and consistent work outs, but she literally does not see me.

I got an email from her a few hours later asking if I'd have dinner to "talk about everything moving forward". I was planning to be home anyway at the time she proposed, so I said yes. I'm going in expecting the worst, but I will only validate and state my boundaries. I'll control my emotions, and be confident and attractive.

I'm in a much better place mentally than I was before I left home, but it's still hard. She really isn't my W anymore. I signed up for a woodworking class tomorrow (totally out of my element), and I'll be meeting up with a friend that I haven't seen in a few months afterwards. I'll probably take the dog on a hike Sunday, if not Saturday too. I want to do A LOT this week, but I also have to prepare for my SE Asia trip - I leave on Thurs...

[Jamine]

Had the conversation with W tonight. It was...interesting. Before I'd left town, we'd decided to split everything 50/50, and now she's trying to go back on that...essentially having the same conversation again. We'd also decided we would see a mediator, but she made an appt with a lawyer ("it's a free consultation!").

W makes a lot of money, more than I do, but I supported her during her doctorate, and then left my job to move across the country for hers. Her position was also delayed for 2 months after we first arrived (and were completely broke), so instead of finding a job that I wanted, I worked a really crappy one while she didn't work at all.

Now W's trying to throw it in my face and say she should get more equity in our house, more of our savings, etc. I didn't budge, I validated when I was given any opportunity to do so, but I stood my ground on everything. I didn't show emotion except for smiles, and maybe a tiny bit of frustration (it was really hard!). It definitely got to her...she got angry, accusing, etc.

W also is now trying to give me a date to leave our house. Two weeks ago we'd talked on the phone, and she tried to set goals for me to leave. At the time, I told her that she doesn't set goals for me anymore. She repeated it a few times, but I never agreed to it. Tonight she was convinced that I had agreed, until I reminded her about that statement, "you don't set goals for me anymore" and I think she actually remembered. It didn't really matter though, she got very frustrated and said some things, referring to our marriage as "platonic", and I attempted to validate as much as possible again. When she started yelling I told her "if you want to have a conversation, I'm happy to, but if you talk to me like this I'm leaving." It took a few tries, but she did eventually (kinda) calm down.

She reserved an airbnb (insanely expensive) in town for 5 weeks, and is mad at how expensive it is. I leave for my 2.5 week trip on Thurs, and she's planning to live there in the meantime. She does not want to move back into the house if I'm here, and insinuated that this was somehow all my fault because I won't move. I didn't have any of it, but never got mad, never raised my voice, didn't get upset or emotional.

Then a weird thing happened, we didn't talk for a few minutes, and I was doing some stuff in the kitchen. W walked in and asked if she could hug me, and I said she could. We hugged, and I disengaged first. She said she was sorry and that this was really hard. Then she said she was going to go read and went into the guest bedroom.

I have no idea what to think. I know that I need to build respect, but this all feels so counter-intuitive...I almost feel like I'm pushing her towards D, since she will be buying me out of the house. I do feel good about standing my ground and being confident, but I still feel like she just doesn't even see me. We're only going to live together for 5 more days...this is so weird.

Should I push back on the lawyer meeting? I wouldn't be doing it to delay D, it's just that we'd agreed on a mediator, and I feel like this person is just going to try to sell her, and then the whole process is going to get way more costly for both of us.

[Jamine]

She just walked in and handed me a petition for divorce. It's filled out and she asked me to sign. I said I need time to think. This is happening way too quickly.

[IHCLACS]

Aren't they're indecisive feelings amazing and conflictive? Going from platonic to "can I have a hug, this is really hard" Now D papers. Her way of hugging you was probably her way of saying good bye right before serving you the D petition.

Rightfully so, good for you, don't let her set goals for you. Im going to use that one! And rightfully so, take all the time you need to decide to sign D papers. Whether they be for logical reasons, financial reasons, or emotional reasons, and whether you want to consult with a L.

[Jamine]

So, last night was rough, and I'm still feeling confused this morning.

How do I continue to DB?

I'm supposed to go on this Asia trip next week, but my previous time away was THE WRONG thing to do for my marriage. If I back out on this trip, I'm not only missing a trip of a lifetime, but I'll also look weak. When I get back, W will be out of the house, and I doubt she'll be coming around to see me much.

What do I do about this petition for D? I'm not supposed to stand in her way, but I really feel like this is too soon to be signing anything. My state only has a 90 day waiting period once the petition is filed. This is all so overwhelming, and I have no idea how to proceed.

[ovrrnbw]

Hi Jamine,

Your W is all over the place. Mediator, lawyer, hands your the D papers herself. Divorce, kick you out, hug. You have to stop worrying about her.

I know you feel like it's crucial you skip the trip and win her back with some decisive action. But even you said she doesn't see you, so why would this be different?

Take her at her word on this divorce, respect her choice. Then step back while she flounders, work on yourself with 180s and GAL. When she stops flipping we will see what she wants. But dont change plans over her. Be a strong man, the best man you can be. Worry about yourself.