Thanks for the support and advice. I'll set firmer boundaries. She doesn't let me know when shes leaving or for how long which is taxing because we have animals in the house and it leaves me to care for. Another aspect is, I make way more money than her and at some point I have to tell her we split Bill's up 50/50 and this is what is owed since OM came into picture. Agree?
Before setting your boundaries be clear on them yourself.
To me ye are no longer a couple so yes it is fair that she pays her fair share. I have used the word fair twice in that sentence to make a point. That point is, everyones version of fair is not the same. She may not think that it is fair. If she has enough money to buy clothes etc and to go out, she has enough to contribute fairly. It's all about priorities and for now hers are elsewhere. Be aware that there is a chance that she could decide that if she has to pay more for rent and bills that she may as well do so with OM. As much as you may not want that, I think it is preferable than continuing to pay her way.
As for how to approach this, I think that stating FROM NOW ON all bills and expenses will be split equally is the way to go. Don't be spiteful or angry. As for the bills already gone, I personally would let them slide. It is fair that she owes you for them but being too rigid and pointy, may not come across well for you.
I will say that this topic has been discussed many times on these boards and different people decided differently. To some that were comfortable financially, the money meant nothing and could easily be let slide. Others got hung up on their principals and it was a point of honour to not pay for the WAS. I think the best road is somewhere in between. Getting back to my earlier point about being respected, I feel continuing to pay undermines even further her opinion of you. She may not have thought that out fully and is just following the flow. I don't think all thinking is a clear cut as when we state it here. But whether unconscious or conscious that is affecting her opinion negatively about you.
Rocking the boat by wanting her to contribute equally, will well rock the boat. She will react as she will react. So you have to be sure it is right for you. If it is out of vengeance or to make it tough on her, it could backfire. If however the motivation for this is for YOU, then her reaction is secondary and whatever happens you will have acted in your own best interest.
Best wishes
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Agree. Shes taking trips and buying insane amounts of clothing as of now. Will have to discuss boundaries firmly and also paying her share. I know she will say she doesnt have it and will pay in increments... but, part of wants it all upfront just because trust has been broken.
Theres a massive part of me that wants to text or call her and make her realize how much I stood by during all this nonsense and addiction and poor treatment. How I had moved countries away from my family to be here. I am trying so d@mn hard to not because it will just backfire, but a part of me feels she needs to hear it. It's difficult. I actually signed a contract to work here and am stuck for another year while she is going to leave.
Last edited by job; 03/26/1908:30 PM. Reason: edited a word
Write up a message and then tear it to bits. Trying to rationalize w/someone who is not rational at the moment, will not get your point across and make her realize all that you have done. You have to understand that right now, she doesn't care about your or the relationship. All she wants is her freedom and she thinks the grass is greener on the other side of the fence....but we all know it is not.
Try to find things to do, call someone up and go out for a cup of coffee or a bite to eat, but keep the focus on you at this time. It's not easy, but you will not get your point across to her right now.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks. Thats what I did. Although she's been taking stuff from the house to use at OMs (pots,pans etc). I had to tell her today that wouldn't be tolerated.
I too left my country to move to my W's. I don't feel bitter about that. I like where I live now too. I would advise you to take ownership of that decision and any other decision you have made along the way. Someone once said that we are where we are today because of the decisions we have made in the past. At first view that could come across as a negative thing, but it truly isn't. It is not about blame but moreso taking responsibility for your life. Once you accept that responsibility it means you know you are responsible for your future and it's situations. That is powerful.
I got sidetracked on my point but felt it worth mentioning. Anyway here is my point. As far as your W is concerned she owes you nothing. And as far as you are concerned, you should try to see it that way too. When a R is healthy doing stuff does help fill up a balance and often the more you give the more you receive. It is more complicated than that as you need to take into account what the other person wants to receive and not what you want to give, but that's a story for another day!
Once a R becomes very unhealthy or in your case is finished, the balance sheet gets closed by the WAS and with it any sense of debt or obligations. The WAS owes the LBS nothing, in their viewpoint. Anything done in the past is well in the past. Their focus is no longer on the past but the future. It may seem that her focus for now is the OM. That is also false. All she is seeking is to be happy. It is that simple. She isn't happy where she is so she is taking what she sees as steps to be happy. Being happy is what we all should strive for so in itself, she should not be blamed for her motivations.
At the moment there is not much you can do to change her mind. In fact I believe try to do so is not what you should focus on doing so. You can never force her to come back be acts of kindness, pleading, applying pressure or any other means. That should not be your goal. The ONLY way she will change her mind is that if she realises she could be happy with you and WANTS to come back. It has to come from her.
So where does that leave you? Your best bet to have her want to come back is to change yourself and your situation. This is why working on yourself is the key to this process.
Best wishes
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
It's funny and confusing actually. Went away for a couple days and didn't really give her my timeline but I came back last night. Come home and she's sleeping in the master bedroom again with the door closed and locked. Back to her old routine in ways; Using my slippers etc. I had to wake her up and was cordial about it stating I need my things. She simply got up and gathered her things. Didn't say a word or even look me in the eye and went to the other room.
