Feeling drained at the moment , listening, supporting, being happy and active whilst little sleep and worry and fear of what she is doing. We are out tomorrow for dinner. Just holding on . I think since I am doing my best if it falls flat at least I have done my best and I expect the anger will help me not be soft when we come to sell the home . Onwards to destiny:)
It is draining, isn't it TryHard? I am in a better place this week than I was last week, and the thing that has made the difference is to turn my attention away from H and stop trying to get him to do whatever it is I think I want him to do to make me feel calmer, more secure, more trusting, more safe, more loved. Instead I am working on giving those things to myself. It is a bumpy and uneven process and I am sure I will be in dark places again. The exhaustion of treading through the awful into the unknown is real. But I have learned I have more ability than I thought I did to comfort and care for myself, and I don't want to lose that. Is there something kind you can do for yourself today - some way you can make yourself feel better that doesn't rely on your W doing or being or saying anything at all?
Thanks Alison for empathising with me , I know you have/ are having similar difficulties. I will take a walk and sit by the river later and listen to some music .
LH , I understand what you are saying and it will stop after this weekend.
That sounds positive. It really is very very difficult and I do get it. And it is easy to look from the outside and judge someone else's actions (we do that too, I think, to our spouses) but harder to remember that most of our unwise decisions and wobblies come from the fact that we're in awful terrible pain and flailing about trying to get that to stop and get ourselves into a place of security and safety. I know when I've behaved in ways that aren't good for my marriage or myself, or accepted behaviour that isn't acceptable from others, it isn't because I am stupid or weak or mean, it is because I am hurting. I think looking inside with as much compassion as you can always helps. Some days it isn't possible, but I hope you get to do some of that when you're down by the river listening to your music today. You deserve it.
I've not read through your thread yet, however I wanted to chime in, and let you know, that I am rooting for you, and I will catch up on your story.
You are hurting, because, you are human, and we are a complicated species. One of the reasons for that is, that we are so advanced on a kognitive level. That leads us to form relationships with our mates, that are, if we are lucky, lifelong. However, this is rarely the case these days, and we end up hurt, betrayed, and with a sense of not belonging anywhere.
We bond ourselves to our mates, we form attachments so very strong, that they define who we are as people. This is putting ourselves in a really vulnerable place because by doing this, we loose the individual strength, that defines us as a person. This is something we do willingly, because we trust in our mate - however when this bond is broken, we end up belonging no where, because we have given up on a lot of our identity, to be part of the former relationship.
You are hurting, because you are trying to put back the pieces. Who am I really on my OWN, what do I really WANT to achieve with my life? what makes ME happy? These are questions you are going to deal with now, and that is scary, because this is your journey. A journey that involves nobody but you - nobody is giving you input, you need to shape yourself. Only you knows, what the best version of you is.
When you detach, you are able to reflect upon yourself, and in time (not instantly, but in time), you will be curious, you will be motivated, and you will find the strength, to answer these questions. By undertaking this journey, you will find yourself, you will be whole again, and you will realize, that you are not dependent on anyone in able to be happy, however you will in time be able to realize, that you are enough by yourself.
Get to the point, where you love yourself, so you are able to love others. Do not rush this journey, you can't. You might be able to convince yourself that you are healed, but this is a long journey. Embrace it, and you will be allright.
Let your spouse do whatever, even though it hurts, because you can either curl up on the floor, being the victim, being sad, being depressed, and waste a WHOLE lot of time - this is not attractive, or you can grieve while you work on yourself, and get up from that floor, work on bettering yourself. Define your identity, set some goals for your life, and make this all about you - this will:
1. make you detach. 2. allow you to live instead of wasting precious time sobbing. 3. create the possibility of creating and reaching the dreams you forgot about. 4. open the door for a possibility of reconciliation / meeting the partner you never could have dreamed of.
The possibilities are endless, however they only become endless once you decide to live in the present, and live for you.
I hurt too, and still do on occasion, we loved with all our heart, and some part of us always will, but in the end, we can't live through others. That is wasting our lives, and that is sad. Be strong, be wise - go cry and then start the journey towards your epic life. You are writing the screenplay every day you wake up. Do you want to live in a horror movie or do you want to be the mysterious James Bond? its all on you my friend.
Stay strong.
BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
TH, Thanks for all your encouragement on my thread. You know I can empathize with your pain. I am moving on, moving forward, even as I stay committed. This is not easy.
I have a good and wise friend. She always reminds me, “If you weren’t in pain, I would worry about you.” Another friend tells me, “Be patient and give yourself time to feel the pain.”
Those of us here are a self-selecting group. We choose to be here because we still care for and love our spouses. I hope you can continue to find compassion and kindness in your dealings with your spouse. Rooting for you, TH.
Reminds me a quote from sgt. Barnes in the film platoon. “ shut up and take the pain , take the pain “
Sometimes that's what it comes down to! There's a saying we have in Crossfit- "embrace the suck." Sometimes you're going through something miserable and quitting is not an option. So you make the best of it that you can. You use it to mold yourself into something better, to strengthen your body and mind. Once you come out the other side of this you will be convinced that there is nothing you can't handle. When you've been through the lowest lows as we have, then the other stuff life throws at you seems pretty minor by comparison.
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Feeling drained at the moment , listening, supporting, being happy and active whilst little sleep and worry and fear of what she is doing.
I bet you do feel drained. Always worrying about what to say or do, not knowing what the future holds, mind spinning a thousand miles an hour when you try to sleep! Going back to a Crossfit analogy again, sometimes we have workouts that we call "chippers" because they are long and drawn out and defy your ability to plan them out. So instead of going in with a game plan you go in with the intent of chipping away at it until it's done. To me that's what surviving BD, S and D is. It's not about formulating a plan and executing it, it's about chipping away at it day by day or even hour by hour. You just keep chipping and then one day you look up and it's done. The misery is gone, your sleep has returned, your W no longer controls your state-of-mind. So try not to sweat the future right now, just chip away at it.
