So not only do you have to work 12 hour days and be the perfect mother, you also have to walk the dog? Wow, slightly too high expectations of you? A dog walker would be a really good idea though, it can't be good for the dog to be left alone and unwalked all day. Can your D12 walk the dog if you can't afford a dog walker? You do have a lot on your plate, him being critical without offering help or solutions is very unhelpful of him. The stuff with his mum is interesting.
Dilly/Alison, firstly, happy Mother’s Day. I hope you we’re able to spend a drama free day with your kids.
Alison - he can be hard work. But distance and time has let me see it for what it is, his way of gaining control. I no longer tip toe around him nor do I shrink when he speaks. Blah blah blah walk the dog, blah blah blah never on time blah blah blah the world is in crises and it’s because you left the lights on. Control. But as it doesn’t effect me, it is just words, it doesn’t matter. Plus, he doesn’t do it as much now. Time and distance may have taught me how to cope, but it has taught him to be less critical of me. He has largely lost his power.
It is in his nature to check up on me. Nosy and suspicious. He has alerts on rightmove whenever our old house goes on sale so that he can see what the subsequent owners have done with it. He sometimes still drives by the old house. He also has alertsnon houses in our street so he can see what they’ve done with it and how much it’s gone for. Has done for years. Not parent child. Just plain nosy. Well, maybe parent child in that he likes to find fault with me. But he always found fault with things neighbors do with their houses “FS, can you believe they painted it [that color]”. Kind of funny looking back.
Dilly - the give the dog away is an idle threat. He would never do it. He can’t take the dog himself because of his job, his mum can’t have her because she goes away on holidays ALL THE TIME. I looked into a dog walker but couldn’t find one - lots of dogs in my area requiring walkers. He walks her when he fancies it but always on his schedule and he’d never pay for a dog walker. He knows he is stuck. He wanted me to give in and say “ok, I’ll walk her before work” but because I didn’t , he over reacted and said something he can’t back up. That’s juvenile but my H all over.
The thing with his mum is interesting because it is true. They are both exactly alike. But I suspect they have gotten to a point in the “FS is neglecting her duties as a mum” conversation where there was nothing new to say. He can’t change things and he is now sick of taking about it. There’s only so much moaning you can do before you have to [censored] or get off the pot.
I am nowhere near supermum but I know I am a damn good one. He can complain and judge all he likes (and tbh, he doesn’t much anymore),but nothing he says is going to change that.
Weird couple of days. Thursday I came home at lunch as both girls were ill and my H could only watch them until1:00 as he had to go to work himself. Being a pilot, the option of WFH isn’t really available. I told him when I got in that I would take the girls to a local cafe for lunch and he was welcome to join us. He said he couldn’t then a little while later said his flight was cancelled and he would join us if still ok. I said that was fine. Later, I had an appointment with D9s teacher and D12 had a doctors appointment. He said he would stay and take D12 to the doctors if I took D9 with me to see her teacher. When I got back with D9, they were back from the doctors. He then said he’d take D9 to her tutors if I picked her up. All in all he ended up staying with us until 7:00 that evening. In that time he mowed the lawn, cut back the trees, sorted all the rubbish and tidied D9s wardrobe.
Friday we both went to D9s school show in the morning. We sat together and even smiled a few times whenever D9 did something funny. Afterwards I went for coffee with some of the mums and he headed back to his flat (he was working that afternoon). I got a call at 1:30 saying his flight was cancelled and could he pick up D12 from school and bring her back to the house. I said ok, and they got here at 4:00 and he left around 6:00 - but I suspect only because I had one of the mums coming round for coffee (he left when she arrived).
Saturday he was flying and I took the girls shopping and to the movies. He asked if he could come round on his way back to the flat to drop cards off. We weren’t here when he got here so he to the dog for a walk. He stayed about half an hour and then left.
Today was mother’s day. When D12 woke up she came downstairs with the cards, a big bunch of flowers and a present. He had obviously dropped all these off last night. The present was a bracelet from Swarovski. Not super expensive but not cheap and definitely not expected. I sent him a text saying thank you and that it was very thoughtful. He replied saying no problem, glad I liked it and that he hoped we had a nice lunch. The girls and I went to lunch together and after we all went round his mums for dinner. Dinner was a little awkward. We spoke directly to each other a few times but I noticed that even when talking to me he wouldn’t look at me. He would look at his mum or one of the children but he was talking to me. It was strange.
I know this post is full of my H. I had a lovely weekend and am honestly not spinning. I am just trying to understand what’s going on. This is not the behaviour of two people who have been separated for a year.
I know this post is full of my H. I had a lovely weekend and am honestly not spinning. I am just trying to understand what’s going on. This is not the behaviour of two people who have been separated for a year.
I'd say this very much IS the behavior of two people separated for a year - because you're living it!
I was fascinated that you wrote about how H is less critical of you now, because that's exactly what I was just reflecting on with having just seen W. The space changes the dynamic, doesn't it? Plus we are changing as individuals. The little snubs and digs don't send us spinning. Perhaps your H is changing in some small ways too.
It sounds like the space you two have taken has really redefined your interactions.
What a lovely Mother's Day gift as well - that was very thoughtful of him.
I wonder what your husband would do if you started dating other people FS? It looks from here like he's frightened of losing what he has. Some interesting changes there...
That sounds positive, in a confusing sort of way, Fly Solo. It seems like, despite his working arrangements and the fact he's living elsewhere, that he's a present and committed father. At least there's that.
Do you think he knows you would like to R? Or he worries you're moving on and he's testing the water?
We went to D12's first counselling session together today. She has known for some time that the session was booked, and overall has been OK with it, but went into complete meltdown today. Both girls stayed at their dads last night and when he brought them around earlier, he asked me to have a word with her. He told me she wanted to see the referral letter from the doctor because she didn't believe she had to go. The referral letter went along the lines of "D12 came to see me about reoccurring stomach pain. Her parents have separated and her mother feels D12 may benefit from psychological assessment" so I refused to show her the letter. He agreed (apparently he didn't know that that is what the letter said).
After what happened the last time we saw a counsellor about D12 he was petrified of the counsellor wanting to speak to us alone. He is on some level, still not ready to talk about us .
Anyway, after many tears D12 agreed to go stating that she was 'going to sit in silence' for the whole hour. It was OK in the end. He asked her some questions about school, about home etc. She was a little withdrawn, but we taught her to be polite so she answered, albeit in a guarded way. After the initial discussion, he asked H and I to leave so he could speak with her alone. When they were done, he asked both of us to come back in and D12 whilst D12 sat with the receptionist. I saw her walking towards the receptionist and commented "I think she's been crying". He replied "She wouldn't cry in front of a stranger".
We sat down and the counsellor said that she is grieving for her family. Cue H body language becoming more defensive. He said "Yes, that and because she's 12 and just started high school". The counsellor agreed, but that the biggest factor was the separation. He said she started crying almost immediately after we left the room. He said that she needs to talk to people and doesn't feel safe doing that with us. We should put in place some "sleep hygiene" practices (using soft colored lights at night, sending her to bed 30 mins before bed time, no phones in her room etc) as well as a natural sleeping aid. By this time H had gone quiet. The counsellor left to fetch D12, and I said this is a good idea, D12 needs to feel safe and needs certainty. He said she knows what's going on ... that "we're not getting back together". This is the first time he has ever we aren't getting back together. When he left it was "I am unhappy and think I should move out". The few times we've discussed it since he moved out (last time was back in Oct) he said "I don't think I'm coming back".
I didn't react. I just said "I know" and left it at that. That was at 3:00. He has only just left the house and it is nearly 8:00. He has been pottering about and once there was no potting left to do, he has been sitting with the children whilst they played on the Xbox. I have been upbeat but mainly kept out of his way - I am WFH so had a good excuse to stay in the office and then went to my room to do some yoga. He told me he is going to the gym and will be back at 8 tomorrow to look after the kids. They are on holidays and he is taking them away for two nights to a theme park.
He spent yesterday here with them, pottering around whilst they played. Cake eating definitely but in the meantime he has cleared the garden and sorted through one of the sheds. He doesn't want to sell the house, so this is not in 'readiness' - I think it is more about feeling like he has to 'do something' whilst he is here.
D12 has been pretty good all week. I have seen her smiling more in the last couple of weeks then in the months proceeding. There has been giggling and in jokes. Dinner with them has been a pleasure and she has sat with D9 and I just watching movies and hanging out.
On the weekend when he brought them back to pick up football gear for D12, she had a little mini meltdown because I could not find the right football shorts. I had checked the wash, taken everything out of her and D9's drawers all to no avail. He went rummaging through her wardrobe muttering "why didn't you text me to let me know you you couldn't find her shorts". I simply said "This is not my fault" and went to comfort D12. He found her shorts (they were in her old football boot bag at the bottom of her wardrobe) and she eventually left happy. But not after he lectured her (loudly) on being ridiculous, letting the team down, getting herself organized etc. All valid points but pointless when she is curled up in a ball on my bed whilst he finger points and shouts.
I am in a fairly good place. I am much more 'relaxed' around us then he is. My body language is open but not pursuing. I offer cups of tea, ask him how his day was, wish him well when he goes. I engage in conversations about work, about things happening on the news, about the children. I smile and laugh a lot. This isn't forced - it is all genuine. I am genuinely not phased by our sitch. I even sent him a text earlier today asking if it would be OK to have lunch with them before D12's session. As an aside, once we were there I said "I'll pay for mine if you get the girls". This is what he said to me last time we went out to lunch - the lunch was on my time with the girls, so it was my responsibility to pay for them. It threw me a little (what, he can't even buy me lunch) so I said the same thing to him today. He looked at me strangely then went "Ok" and proceeded to ask the girls what they wanted.
He continues to be weird when I do something he doesn't like. I had left my car at the station two nights in a row, and when he asked me why I said "I had a drink after work" - I hadn't but didn't want to get into the conversation. He huffed and then five minutes later said "I spoke to mum about taking [the dog]. I will discuss it with you later" then left. He likes to 'punish' me. That conversation was three days ago, and only the second time since saying that he 'would need to make alternative arrangements' weeks ago. He has not "discussed it with me later". Today, when talking about summer holidays plans, I mentioned (in addition to taking the kids away) I might go away on my own whilst he takes the kids on holidays and he replied "you will need to sort out dog sitting for [our dog]". The same dog that his mum is going to take.
Anyway, I wanted to reiterate (for my own sake) some of the mantra's that I have learned here:
1. Marathon not sprint - patience is key (use the time to work on myself) 2. They are in a fog - don't listen to what they say, only what they do (taking the dog away, saying he isn't coming back) 3. Look for signs of consistent change (he is nicer than he used to be, but there is still anger simmering away beneath the surface).
I have to remember this is a long process. When times are tough and I feel like giving up, then I have to just let things be. Any big decisions need to be made when I am calm and not as a reaction to something he has said or done.
Wow, FS, what a lot of moving pieces. I'm glad to hear D12 is accessing some external support on your insistance. I hope it proves to be helpful. Is she a writer, or does she journal?
You're in a great space to be able to hear your H say is not coming back but to not let it derail you. Good on you for taking a deep breath and just moving forward in a way that is best for you.
FS that sounds hard - really hard. You're so methodical and calm the way you write it all down - the way you have a handle on your own reactions, and some understanding of where your H might be in his head, and not taking what he says or does too seriously. I wish I had your steadiness. How on earth do you do it?
Do you know what he's actually angry at? Obviously there's these insignificant whinges about the dog and the football shorts etc, but do you have any clear sense yet of what the real underlying cause is?
