I hope he will change his mind - or at least, even if he never falls in love with the dog, he will stop seeing it as 'evidence' as his needs not being met - he is looking out for evidence of that everywhere at the moment and finding it where it doesn't exist. I can see why - but I can't live my life around that.
Got my goodnight text last night and sent encouragement this morning. Cordial exchange. He tells me about his day, but didn't ask about mine. I got big good news at work and I wanted to tell him, but held back. I guess that is going dark?
I have big urges to reach out tonight for extra reassurance. To get him to remind me he plans to come back and work on things, and to ask him how he feels about therapy on sunday, and to ask him to go in with an open mind, and all kinds of needy and controlling stuff. I am trying not to contact him from a place of fear but only of love - and I'm mainly in fear tonight so keeping myself to myself.
Plan for tomorrow - work, kids, some GAL and house improvements. I have IC in the late afternoon and have plenty to talk about regarding reactivity and his anger - trying to get myself into a place where I can respond to anger from an adult place, rather than from a petrified traumatised child place. I am not there yet but I want to get there for my own sake.
FWIW I think you should have told him the good news actually, but you did the right thing not asking for reassurance when you were in that place, it's never gone well for me! I hope you feel less needy today and that IC goes well for you, it's hard work isn't it?
It is really hard work. Some of the childhood stuff is difficult to talk about. I can see I have kept it to myself for many years, pretended to be fine and an adult, and handed all the leaking-out insecurity and reactivity to H to deal with. Which has made him feel like a parent not a H, and led him to act like a bossy controlling parent and not an equal. His actions are on him and I will work towards healing and change my part in the dynamic no matter what he does, but he will have his own personal stuff that made him stick with a woman operating at the level of a traumatised child for such a long time. I have been in IC for two years working on these things, and that co-incided with things getting bad between us. I got stronger - slowly - and he didn't like it. Ah well. He will either do the work on himself or he won't but I am moving forward towards being healthier on my own for the time being.
I feel less needy today. Tired and resentful to be working so hard and doing all the kids stuff on my own all week too. He's around tomorrow and will take over then while I go out and GAL, which I am looking forward to. A couple of cordial texts from him to me today regarding arrangements for that, which I responded to warmly without pursuing. I hope to get to bed early after a shocking night's sleep last night.
My IC is always going on about how I do have needs every time I say I don't want to be needy. It's such a balance isn't it?! I suppose neediness is when you don't articulate your needs properly and react to stuff out of fear instead of stating them. Really needy is a terrible word I think, maybe we need to use insecure or fearful instead. Though again, being insecure or fearful is ok but not if you just react from that place without telling the other person and just dumping all your fears and insecurities on them and blaming them for your own feelings. I hope you sleep well
Just journalling. A good night's sleep last night, though woke up feeling two entirely contradictory things - kind of needy and lonely and wishing he would reach out and show some affection or give some reassurance (no goodnight text last night, which made me think 'more of the same - he asks for something and I do it utterly consistently despite him throwing it back in my face - I ask for something and he can't be bothered about half the time') and a general contempt or dislike for him. It's strange to have those two feelings at once. I plan to concentrate on myself today.
Call him out on it. 'You agreed to text me goodnight. You didn't do that last night, and it would mean a lot to me if you stuck to that' There could be plenty of reasons he didn't text you, but he needs to know that he has to stick to his word. Otherwise how can you both build trust in each other?
Well, that's what I'd do. Dh nearly broke our rule to have a date night once a week early on and I told him that it was our agreement and was important for us both to feel safe. Since then he has been flexible about making other arrangements if the logistics are really difficult for date night. It might be a small thing but if it helps your safety then make it clear that he needs to stick to what he promised.
Calling him out or asking him for what I want when I have already asked (nagging) is exactly what I'd usually do.
And saying yes to something he doesn't want to do, doing it half-heartedly or resentfully, pretending to forget about it, or blaming me for him not doing it, it exactly what he usually does.
So I am not going to call him out. Not going to mind-read. I am going to see what happens. I am also taking a step back. He doesn't get a wife if he isn't able or willing to behave like a husband.
It's not nagging if you only do it once and do it assertively. If he doesn't do it after you remind him nicely once then fine, back off. But I don't think it's nagging to pull him up on it if it's important to you. He seems like he does want to change, give him the benefit of the doubt. You could even frame it slightly differently 'I noticed you haven't been sending goodnight texts as you agreed to. It would mean a lot to me if you kept doing this *insert reason here*, but if you're tired last thing at night then maybe we could change the timing of the texts. I'll leave it up to you to think up a solution'
Would that work? How important are the texts? Or are they a test of his commitment and ability to change something small? Could you ask for something else important instead?
