Wondering if anyone here is tried the ATTRACTION method of getting one'e walkaway spouse back. Is that even possible? I have followed many of the threads here and have bought and read Divorce Remedy so I am to speed with all described (GAL, 180s, Detach etc) Just wondering if anyone has thrown attraction into the mix. I am trying anything I can but it seems impossible to sway here, months after BD.
B.D in December 2018 Physical Affairs discovered in April 2019 Divorced May 2019 H (me) 49 W (her) 29
I know that convincing, manipulating, arguing, reminding of the good times, giving ultimatums, telling and acting and showing how unhappy I am, begging, demanding - all of that stuff - does not work. If it was going to work, it would have done because I've tried it HARD for a long time.
I read somewhere that the greatest gift you can offer to a partner is taking care of your own spiritual, physical and emotional needs, so you can be their intimate companion, but not a burden. I've been really bad at doing that, so I am working on that. I hope it will attract him, but I'm doing it because I have to, and because I want to be happy.
I think a lot of the 180s should be about supporting yourself, correcting your flaws, living your best life, and hoping that your spouse will notice and get interested, but doing them mainly for yourself. Taking the pressure off them to meet your needs, when they are probably struggling and suffering themselves.
Wondering if anyone here is tried the ATTRACTION method of getting one'e walkaway spouse back. Is that even possible? I have followed many of the threads here and have bought and read Divorce Remedy so I am to speed with all described (GAL, 180s, Detach etc) Just wondering if anyone has thrown attraction into the mix. I am trying anything I can but it seems impossible to sway here, months after BD.
I'm not sure if you just mean attracting them back in general or if you are referring to some specific program out there, but the idea of DB'ing is to give your spouse time and space while working on yourself and making yourself more appealing and attractive. You do 180's on bad behavior. You get off the couch, get out and GAL. You get back in shape, improve your wardrobe, wear cologne/ perfume, be the best parent to your kids, etc. Basically you improve yourself wherever possible. The problem is most LBS's think they can do this for a few days or weeks and bring their WAS back, but once a spouse gets to the point of BD'ing and being a WAS, there simply is no quick fix. The quick fixes are months or even years behind you at that point. Now to turn things around you have months or even years of hard work ahead.
If you post more about your particular situation we can help you more!
gzabetas, we discuss attraction quite often in these sitches. And sandi is probably the biggest expert in what is attractive or not to WAW/WW.
But in general, attraction is closely related to respect. In a lot of cases the WAW has lost respect for her H. Maybe he is a SAHD (I've seen this one happen a lot). Or maybe he is suffering from depression. Or has a hard time holding down a job. Or maybe he has become a couch potato. On and on and on. The key to becoming attractive again, above and beyond dress, and looks, etc, is to regain respect. Obviously, being nicely groomed, in good shape, and dressing well can't hurt. But more important is regaining respect.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
To add my story details. We have been together close to 10 years. There was always an age difference, I met her when I was 39 and she was 19 in a college class we were both taking. Now I am 49 and she is 29 and I think she is re-evaluating her life choices. I am in good shape and physique and pass for quite younger so there was never an issue there. Also the guy she is seeing now is my age again, so I dont think that was an issue.
We had a son 4 years ago, and somewhere I dropped the ball with my share of the housework. I was worried about finances and stared studying for new IT certs. Passed my CCNA a few months back. This was my attempt at better employment to support my family. She took this as me being selfish. I hated nothing more that studying again at this age. I did it for them.
Before Xmas I got bomb dropped. And after that the same script follows that most of us here had. Supposedly it was all bad for years and I didnt notice. All these years we were always doing things together and laughing. Sex once a week. She told me that the sex wasnt enough. I have since checked the stats and it seems we were in normal range. I have good days and bad days with her. Today I am facing the "alien" that most of us here see. A psychologist she was seeing recommended working out at the gym for her,. I signed her up and paid for it,. At that place she met many men, in good shape etc. It appears she started badmouthing me for 2 years and crying to them. I have signs she has met a guy my age there and has an affair. All this time I had no signs of unhappiness from her. Hiding cell phones. New friends. Late nights out. Wants tattoo now. Social media chats with new boys. The works. Honestly you can read anyone's story here and insert my name it seems.
Everything I tried to do to help her backfired. Psychologist, driving lessons, gym membership. She told me she had checked out years ago. I cried for a month after BD but thanks to this forum mostly I saw I was not alone. I felt like such a fool, until I read other stories here from people more intelligent than me facing the same thing.
We live in my house (PS we are in Greece) and she wanted to get my out. Thanks to posts here I didnt allow that. She has talked to her lawyer etc. I have asked for her paperwork. She argues and fights anything where I get a sliver of dignity or a chance to see my kid. Even with all the detaching I practice it is such a rollercoaster it is killing me. I fought to avoid the divorce, but at this point I think its unavoidable for my sanity.
B.D in December 2018 Physical Affairs discovered in April 2019 Divorced May 2019 H (me) 49 W (her) 29
Allison I made all those mistakes too. Thank God no more of that. I really have grown spiritually, but I think she only wants to cut me down to be happy. Which I wont allow. There is emotional baggage there for sure from her childhood. (parents always argued, absent father)
AnotherStranger, trying really hard to get out of the house,. Have a toddler and I need to take care of him and cook for the family as she is always out, so I am trying to keep the boat afloat as she is opening holes in it.
Steve85 you nailed it. She has said she has nor more respect, trust or love for me. I do see signs of her attraction for me, not sure if it helps. I took ownership of all my mistakes a while back and explained why some of them happened that way. I am unfortunately unemployed for years and this killed me. I was a high paid IT engineer in the States for a Fortune 500 company and got furloughed, then the crisis in Greece hit as I was starting my family here. I never regained momentum. Playing my last card to return to the US for a job and I wish they would follow me, but she said she wont.
B.D in December 2018 Physical Affairs discovered in April 2019 Divorced May 2019 H (me) 49 W (her) 29
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
This is perhaps a different topic, but when I look back at the way I behaved during the last couple of years of our marriage, and in the immediate aftermath of H moving out, I find it very difficult to find myself attractive. The neediness and the lack of self respect and the behaviour that I accepted from him, and accepted from myself. It was all very ugly and there wasn't much dignity, compassion or selflessness there. No good boundaries and a lot of manipulation and game playing - not because I am a terrible person, but because I was miserable and scared and trying to get him to change.
As the weeks pass - and I am still very early days - and I work on being unselfish and boundaried and taking care of my own fear rather than expecting H to do it for me, I am finding myself more attractive and likeable and this means I feel more self respect, and am less tolerant of disrespect from H, and less tolerant of the disrespectful behaviour I've shown to him. It is a work in progress but I feel less ashamed of myself. I have no idea if that will have an affect on him, if he notices or if he sees it the same way. But I am feeling like I am a person who I'd want to spend time with, and that makes me feel a tiny bit less desperate for his approval. Which perhaps means he feels less burdened and smothered by my company. I don't know.
