Today is my 28th wedding anniversary. I’m surprised that it doesn’t seem to bother me. I only think of it in a fleeting way here and there. I’m glad. I’m also glad I have a jam packed weekend planned.
D19 has been suffering from significant abdominal pain. She has had ovarian cysts in the past, and has suffered from them once or twice before. So, she missed out on going with her dad and brother to an amusement park yesterday. She was so sad, and she said her dad didn’t seem to care she was too unwell to go. I told her she should talk to him and tell him how she feels. She said(via text as I was at work) that H “didn’t even bother to talk to me about the abrupt change of plans himself (used D21 as a proxy) and frankly I don’t feel like giving him that respect right now. I think as an adult he should have consequences of not putting in the effort”.
My response: “I can understand why you feel that way”. She then called me, and was crying on the phone, saying that dad didn’t want to stay long enough after they got back to take her to dinner.
Broke my heart!!!
I left work early so I could hang out with her, and bring her to her ultrasound. I then took her out for sushi! We had such a nice time. H is really missing out!
H did sit with her for about 10 minutes and chat. He looked worn out. Sad. Old. Not well. When the kids weren’t around, I asked him how he was doing. His response “I’m over 200 pounds”. He’s quite muscular, so a good weight for him is around 180. A bit of a strange answer, though. We used to go to the gym a lot together, so I asked him if he was working out. He said 3x weekly. I left it alone.
As he was leaving, he gave me a brief hug and kiss on the cheek. I then asked him how he really was doing, that I was still concerned about him. I just felt the need to. He said “I’m beset with melancholy”. Odd again, but very telling. I asked him if he was thinking about trying to find a way to help with that (or something like that), and he just shrugged his shoulders. I left it alone. I did say that after 8 months that perhaps it’s time we should talk. That is if he wanted to. I’m not sure what about, but it just came out. He corrected me and said it was 7 months. I thought that was odd too. He said o.k., but I won’t mention it again. I doubt he will either, anytime soon at least. He’s still lost. Broken. Sad. I don’t think he knows where to start to feel better, so he just doesn’t do anything. I briefly wondered is he was still seeing OW, and if so, why she would want to be with such a broken, sad person. I’ve decided that if she is, it’s because she’s broken and damaged in her own way too.
So, I feel o.k. today. I had butterflies before I saw him and when he first arrived (anxiety, fear, or whatever), but feel almost nothing about him today, at least for the moment. Pity, maybe. He is definitely in a very bad place.
Meanwhile, I’m thriving! My 2 happy hours where fun last night. Talked with a woman from church that was in my bible study and found out she is recently separated and going through D. Her H has a history of infidelity. We exchanged numbers and agreed that we could weather our storms together.
As I've already mentioned, had great boot camp this morning, baked with D19, and soon I’ll be off for an overnighter at the beach with a couple that H and I got together very often with. They are always fun. I hope to get up early tomorrow to walk the beach at dawn. My favorite time to be at the beach.
So, I am blessed. I’m thankful for each day that is full of family, activities, and friends. They get me through the times that are a little darker.
Grace, I am glad you spent your anniversary with a lot of fun and joy and love. And it is an important date! You gave your heart and soul on that day 28 years ago, you have been a loving wife for 28 years, that is a victory! What H does with that, did with that, will do with that, well, that's between him and God.
I am in the same boat with the pain of seeing a child in pain. I sometimes sit at the pieta at my church and just let myself feel that connection with another hurting mother, Mary. It's the only way to make any sense of it at all. Last year I was at a huge cathedral, crying at the feet of a pieta, and when I stood up after a long time, this woman, a tourist in my city, was standing there waiting for me, so she could hug me and tell me everything would be okay. I felt like Mary was sending me that message. (I wrote about this on one of my old threads.)
((((Grace)))))
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
It’s been over a week since I’ve checked in, although I’ve been reading here and there. I think that might signify I’ve finally turned a corner. The corner of what? Well, perhaps detachment. Whatever you call it, I’m relieved.
I’ve done lots with my kids, get together with friends regularly, am planning 3 trips, and am looking forward to camping with D19 next weekend. S21 goes back to college today. He FINALLY allowed me to help him with him resume. Now I see why he probably didn’t land an internship this summer. But, he’s on the right track now. I asked H last weekend if he would help him get a nice professional headshot. So, he came over and did that. I was glad. I briefly saw him on Friday. I commented that his hair was longer than he used to wear it, and said it looks good. A few minutes later he said “so my hair looks all right this way, doesn’t it”? He hasn’t changed. Needs affirmations, even if they were just given. He still doesn’t realize that he doesn’t seem to know how to receive them, or is unable to. He also commented on his weight, then showed me his “big guns”. I thought it was a bit sad.
D19 has been in a lot of pain with ovarian cysts. I had her at the ER last Sunday night. When I told her I’d take her, she immediately said she would let her dad know. When she got on the phone with him, she handed the phone to me. H wanted to know if there was anything we weren’t telling him, because he felt she wasn’t saying something. I truthfully said no. I said perhaps she might want you to come, but that she didn’t say anything to me. He just said he would leave his phone on (it was late). On the way D19 was very upset. She said “You’d think dad would want to come to be with me”. I told her she needed to be open and honest with her dad how she feels. She texted him, and he did show up. He sat very quietly, and didn’t participate in conversation much, went on his phone, etc. I tried to engage in a bit of chit chat as we were there for 3 hours, but he wasn’t receptive. I let it go. But, at least he came. I realized that just showing up might be all that he was capable of. Giving emotional support I would imagine would be very difficult to do when you can’t even really give it to yourself. I believe D19 was in pain, it’s been lasting 2 weeks, but I also had a thought that perhaps she wanted her dad’s attention. I don’t know, but the thought was there. Anyway, I was glad he at least showed up. She’s better now, and back to work.
I realize I’m beginning to think of H only in more abstract, fleeting ways. Is he with her tonight? Who knows? Move on. More often than not it’s as easy as that. Do I stew occasionally? It is useless to lie about that to myself, because I can’t work on what I don’t acknowledge, can I? So yes. I do. The sermon at church today was about how satan takes thoughts and transforms then to make them out of control thoughts. He used the example of guilt. Satan takes over, turns guilt into self-hate, and ultimately can lead to suicide. That satan tells you that you can’t escape. Wow. Did that ever hit home! For me, my anxiety becomes obsessive. For H, he used the pastor used the exact scenario I fear for H. The key to armoring yourself against satan’s attacks is knowing the Word. The more I turn to God, the stronger my armor. I can definitely see that shift in myself. I pray for that for H.
Well. Anniversary last week, unacknowledged by H (and me) for the first time in 28 years, and Mother’s Day today, unacknowledged by H in 21 years. It’s a bit weird. I’m a little curious about what went through H’s mind (if anything) about either one of these days. Ultimately it doesn’t matter. Today I had my kids with me. We are close, they turn to me whenever they need support, share all their ups and downs, and I think they know I’m their rock. What else really matters?
Off to take S21 to the bus to go back. D19 went to take a nap, and bread making with her is on the agenda when I get back.
Just a quick update. I looked at our joint e-mail just now, and realized H sent me a message this morning.
"I know you and I have our issues and such, but don't think for a moment that I would have passed up this opportunity to tell you again what an absolutely fantastic mom you are. To be a Mother is to be the epitome of love, sacrifice and patience and our kids are truly blessed to have a mom like you. It is definitely not easy being a mom but you are not just any regular mom, you are the supermom to our kids. Despite everything, you give them all your time and attention…. they are blessed to have a mom like you very Happy Mother’s Day to you"
A bit surprised to receive it! I sent a short note back thanking him and a few sentences about how blessed we are to have such terrific kids and that S21 returned to school. That was it.
I have to admit. It was nice to see. But, I don't see it for anything more than what was said.
It is great that H not only realises but moreso was able to express it to you that you are a great mom. appreciate the geste and continue as you were. Well done you
Best wishes
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Very nice message from your H Grace. I am glad he took the time to express it and that it didn’t send you for a spin. I know what you mean about the fleeting “wonder if he is with her” thoughts. I used to get those with my STBXH too and it would send me spinning. It is definitely a sign of detaching when you have the thought and it just floats off into the sea of random thoughts we all have throughout the day. It certainly was that for me. Now I rarely think of him and when I do, it is just a random brief thought and no longer affects my day. It is indeed a great place to be and I am glad you feel yourself getting there. Hope you have a fantastic week full of love and laughter. (((HUGS)))
Another week has passed since I've posted. I do still check in from time to time, but I think taking a break has been a healthy move for me. Or perhaps, because I'm in a healthier, better place I don't need to post. Either way, things are going well.
D19 and I went camping this weekend. Suppose to be 2 nights, but the yellow flies where out of control, so back home in 24 hours! Managed to build 3 campfires without the use of starters, cooked a few meals on the open fire, a wild boar cruised by the tent in the middle of the night, went kayaking on the river (saw river otters), and just bonded with my baby. It was great!'
Life is full and busy. Next 3 weekends are booked, and I've got my usual activities during the week. So the GAL business is booming.
I realized today that it's been at least 2 weeks but probably more like 3 since I looked at our phone records and blocked OW. Surely that has helped put me in a different frame of mind. Calmer for sure. Still go on H's FB from time-to-time. But that doesn't seem to bother me so much. I don't really see him, and he really doesn't reach out to the me or even the kids (as far as I know). D19 said she was glad I was getting out and doing things. Nice to hear from her. She says nothing about my sitch or her dad.
I was a bit worried about H this week. I'm still concerned for his well-being. There was an e-mail in our joint e-mail account about info on how to replace the key for the gun safe he has with him. Apparently he lost the key and couldn't remember the finger pattern. I found it a bit interesting he would use our e-mail to inquire about this, as he doesn't use it for hardly anything else. Does he want me to ask about it? I do wonder why he wants access now. Maybe just to go to the shooting range. But, with his previous statements about it, I am a bit concerned. The key arrived at our house, and I just left the package for him to pick up with the rest of the mail when he came to do the lawn. I made no comment.
Although I don't comment like I used to, I still follow many of you. For those of you just starting out, keep posting, and apply the principles you read here. My posting, and the advice and support from those of you here (you know who you are!), saw me through some very dark times. Thank you!
As I typed that last bit, I realized it sounds like good-bye. It's not! But, I think it might signify a good-bye of the first leg of my journey. For now, I am content, happy, and, I believe, even thriving. At some point, if H makes no move to do anything, I might make the decision for him. For now, I'm content as things are.
