Update - I spoke with a friend on the phone who gave me sage advice and helped me a lot. Then I turned to my Day 3 of "What on Earth am I Here For" (40 days of purpose driven life), and it was all about how to find Peace. At the top of the list is to accept what I cannot change. Well, I think I've heard that a few times here and elsewhere! To Trust in God and surrender to His loving control where #2 and #3. Anyway, the podcast was the EXACT thing I needed tonight. Amazing how that happens.....
Things have been quiet on the homefront. The last communication I have had from H was last Friday. He just informed me he was going to the house to do the yardwork - yes folks. 6 months into this and he still comes over to do the yardwork once a week or sometimes he skips a week. He also then picks up his mail. I find this a bit odd, continuing the yardwork. I don't say anything. We had a few text messages about taxes, and that's been it for a week. He's been real quiet for 3 weeks - just the temp check about him being sick, and last Friday.
He's posted some strange things on Facebook - about despair, and today lyrics to a song that are a bit ominous. So much so that one of our couple's friend asked if he was o.k. Before he even posted this, I have had a very strong feeling I should send him a short text asking him if he was doing o.k. I've refrained, but that strong feeling is there.
I've had something going on every night this week, and have plans for Friday night and Saturday too, so the GAL business is booming. When I'm home, I have been doing a new devotional - the Purpose Driven Life "What on Earth am I Here For?". I'm on day 7 - and it takes a little over an hour each day. I love it! I feel God working in me, and just continue to pray that he will be able to reach H (not for R, but for him to find hope).
So in this new devotional, one of the things that we should contemplate is how we can serve God. I thought about how I'm serving him today. 3 things popped into my mind and went into my journal:
1. Being present for my kids. I've had lots of text messages every day, and a few phone calls this week, esp from D19, but from S21 too. I am so thankful they feel close to me and keep that connection going with me regularly. 2. Making "pillowcase" dresses for a mission trip to take to Guatemala this summer. (you can look up what they are, if you want, but a woman in my bible study and her husband run a mission every year, and they take these dresses as gifts for the children). My goal is to make 20 by June 1 (hopefully more). 3. Praying for my H to open his eyes and heart to God and His Grace and redemption.
I realized today that I haven't worn my wedding rings in almost a week. I took them off like I usually do for the gym last Saturday and never put them back on. I think I will start wearing them again, though. I don't think I'm ready to look down and remind myself that I am only married on paper.
All in all a good week. Very busy. Happy Hour Friday night was fun. It was a group from our gym. The mgmt sponsors one once a month. Great group, and I'm making friends with some of them - other than just being friendly during class. One guy (who is married and I know his wife as well), mentioned that there is someone in the group who is attracted to me. I made it clear I "wasn't there" yet, but am always open do going out with the group as friends. I think I know who it is, and he's nice, but I'm not attracted to him. Still, it was nice to hear.
1. Why to MLCrs NOT file for divorce. They don't want to work on themselves, they don't want to work on their marriage, they've moved out, and probably have an OW or OM. All these apply to my H. He even is still staying in temporary airbnbs. I don't know what his plans are at the end of the month, but I think he is looking for additional temp housing. I asked him when I found out about OW why he didn't file for D. He said "I don't know what the right thing to do is." So, maybe he just doesn't want to be the bad guy and he's waiting for me.
Anyway, if anyone has insight, I'd like to hear it.
2. I'm also having a hard time with the fact that I'm faithful to my vows, and H has an OW. Isn't this a bit of cake-eating? Aren't I almost condoning it since I haven't filed for D? I almost feel like I'm saying (by my silence), it's o.k. for you to see her. When you decided what you want to do, you let me know. I'm waiting.
I'm getting on with life, have a full life, and feel fairly content and happy, so why does it sometime feel like I'm still waiting? Is that the message I'm sending H?
Anyway, these are thoughts for the day. Back to projects. I've cleaned most of the house today, re-covered a lampshade, and now am starting on those dresses for the mission trip. Keeping busy!
Glad to see you out having a good time. I understand the “I wasn’t there yet”. There is no rush. It does make one feel pretty good hearing someone is interested, and after what we’ve been through - it’s very nice to hear.
Some MLCers file right away, like my XW. Others take longer, and others never do. Why? Like you said some just don’t want to be the bad guy. For the most part, they divorce, or not, because they feel like it.
There is pressure from the OP, from themselves, the running, depression, anxiety, addictions, and so on. They are irrational and make decisions based on emotions, on how they feel.
So when you ask why he didn’t just D when you found out about OW, he really doesn’t “know” what to do. Right or wrong. He is scrambling from feelings and not very rational at the moment.
I would probably not ask to many questions regarding divorce, or have many conversation about that. It might place ideas in his head, or convince him that those vague feelings and thoughts are actually right.
Originally Posted by Grace21
I'm also having a hard time with the fact that I'm faithful to my vows
I total get this. You aren’t having a hard time being faithful, the difficulty is that you are.
That is rooted in your feelings that he doesn’t deserve to be treated that good, from a faithful spouse, especially after what he has done, and is doing. And yes it does feel like condoning his behaviour, doesn’t it.
Originally Posted by Grace21
Aren't I almost condoning it since I haven't filed for D? I almost feel like I'm saying (by my silence), it's o.k. for you to see her. When you decided what you want to do, you let me know. I'm waiting.
First off, silence is not condoning- it is just silence. If you yell at him, or tell him what you think, he will just use it as justification - “See, this is why I had to leave”, that kind of thing.
Don’t worry silence speaks volumes. You have not said it is ok to see her, and you haven’t said it isn’t. That is fine. Let him do what he is going to do. You focus on you, let him go - with compassion.
As for the “I’m waiting”. Ok there is a little bit of that, well maybe a bit more than a little, when you are standing. However, and this is the really important part, you are standing for you (mostly).
You are not waiting for him to decide. You have decided what is important in your life, what you believe in, and you are following it. Your silence doesn’t say you’re waiting, and your actions tell a different tale.
Focus on you. If vows are important (and I believe they are), then keep them. Letting him go, doesn’t mean you have to get a D, you can leave that heavy lifting to that fool of a husband. Because he must be a fool to leave such a fine and faithful woman.
Standing for the long haul takes conviction and beliefs. Standing really starts once you are healed enough to move on. At that point one starts to question what they are doing. Questions like you are asking right now.
Originally Posted by Grace21
...why does it sometime feel like I'm still waiting? Is that the message I'm sending H?
It feels like you’re waiting because you are. That is not mean, it is accepting the truth of this. We are waiting. Now, how do you live a full life while standing?
You focus on you and your values. Live as a single person; a single person who is not dating.
If you need a divorce for some financial stability or protection then fine, otherwise ignore it. If you’re not looking for someone else, and by standing your not, then your marital status doesn’t really matter.
Embrace your life fully! Every aspect of it, save one - the special relationship with someone. That part remains in limbo. It is not as difficult as you might imagine to get to here. There are some feelings to get through, to let flit, to remember and realize their temporary nature. It can be done. It can be worth it. You are worth it!
For myself, I chose to stand, and still choose to stand. Today is the first day that my divorce is finalize. My first day as a single man not in a relationship, in 30 some years. I have remained faithful during that entire time. Never once strayed during my M. I plan to continue living my single full life for a while. Standing? Maybe. I do believe that for me a one year post marriage period is a good idea. Just to settle everything down, especially before a new relationship.
I don’t know how long I will stand. I do know it is for me, and I do know I am able to stand down. For now, I’m not worrying about it, just living my peaceful life, and letting the answers come as they will.
I sincerely hope you find a similar peace.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
As always, DnJ, I appreciate the time you take to provide such thoughtful, and meaningful, replies. You are wise, my friend. You often echo my thoughts, but provide that kick in the pants I need to remember, and practice, what I know is true and right for ME.....Embracing a full life, staying faithful, and living as if single, without romance. I HAVE been doing this, but the devil keeps trying to take over by making me second guess myself.
Hugs to you. I have been thinking about you with the D finalized now. Just know that you are an inspiration to me, and I'm sure others here.
Filing is never easy for the LBS-we never wanted the D in the first place
SO it is advised for the LBS to wait a bit To work on self ect...create a new life, watch the MLCer--see what direction he goes ect.. IT gives us time to heal and healing takes time
Sometimes it may go against our belief systems and there are different lines of thought on this Some might say tough love- like file and move on
neither way may prove to bring the desired result-- the MLCer may continue on his journey no matter what
I think DB is a way for us to heal first then choose direction of standing or D
Its a personal choice each may choose different ways to deal with same issue-
I find that learning to trust my gut is helpful
and trusting god that all things will work out as planned
This limbo that you speak of is only temporary and the time can used for your greatest growth- it is not lost time-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I think DB is a way for us to heal first then choose direction of standing or D
Originally Posted by peacetoday
This limbo that you speak of is only temporary and the time can used for your greatest growth- it is not lost time-
Great reminder. I can see the benefit of this, particularly in my situation because I'm in the home, finances are in order, and H is not crazy and really not bothering me at all. Plus, I have grown a lot, discovered a lot about myself and have rediscovered ME. I like it!
The only "bother" is I still tend to obsess a bit about his activities. But, in time this will dull (I HOPE!). And, I realize that me initiating a D now will not help this. Only time and continuing my journey that propels me forward to the new me will.
So maybe just continue to work on releasing thoughts about Him and his activities
I think for me is mostly practice to release thoughts or replace them
I think because the thoughts are so charged with emotion and loss it is harder to release so I would embrace, surrender, grieve and accept the thoughts are sometimes there it still hurts, and when I you are fully healed thoughts about H will disappear
I rarely think of my XH anymore and if I do it has no emotion attached I wish him well..Im happy in my life and he would have held my growth back-and he chose destruction over growth for himself definitely not the kind of man I want so I am grateful that he left-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
