I have been married for 10 years. My wife has been disabled for 9 of those years. There has been no intimacy because of her health for years. She caught me watching porn 'taking matters into my own hands' shall we say. Needless to say she hit the roof. She considers porn as cheating with a real person. I know I was wrong, but i didnt consider this cheating. I just have my needs. She says i have broken her trust, how could she have been so stupid to have trusted me ,im disgusting ...all of it. i confessed, i didnt try to hide it. i apologized.
She now tells me to go find a girlfriend. i dont want a girlfriend , i want her. She says i dont want her , i want porn.
I tried to post earlier, doesnt look like it worked.
Anyway, ive been married for 10 years. My wife hs been disabled for nine of those years. There has been virtually no intimacy for years. My wife caught me looking at porn 'taking matters into my own hands' shall we say. She hit the roof. She thinks that porn is the same as cheating on her with a real person. Which i would never do and have never done. She feels that I betrayed her and she can no longer trust me.
i didnt try to hide anything and i admitted i was wrong. I tried to explain my side that i have needs , but she doesnt want to hear it. In her eyes , im disgusting and i broke up the marraige. She said i should go find a girlfriend but she wont go as far as saying get out. She says whats the point of working on the relationship since i already decided to end it by doing what i did.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
What are your moral opinions on pornography? Watching pornography is not the same as cheating, and I know that and you could ask all the folks here whose spouses actually had a physical affair.
I don't think porn is great for society or anything, but dang I wonder what the big deal is here.
Have you read Sex Starved Marriage by MWD?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I dont think porn is a good, I just have needs sometimes and she is not willing or able. Not a great excuse, i know.
Wife didnt ask for divorce, probably because without my finances she wouldnt be able to survive. She truly thinks porn is the same as a physical affair. I cant convince her its not. Shes still really mad about it. She now thinks if im ever left alone im watching porn ( cheating on her)
I guess i could read the book youve mentioned, but I think i may be past the point.
Im getting the silent treatment , so im not sure if talking about it will make it worse. Shes set in her opinion about it for sure.
When did this happen? How long has she been mad at you and giving you the silent treatment?
Your situation seems different than many people here. So I wouldn't advise to use the same approaches that we usually give. Detachment may not be the best approach for example in your case.
I actually think that MWD's books including Divorce Remedy and Divorce Busting would be good for you. For most of us who are in much more advanced situations, a lot of the advice in these books cannot be applied because our spouses have already given up on us. So most of us only have (had) 1 option available to us, which is the Last Resort Technique, cutting all contact and detaching.
In your case, the fact that your wife is angry at you is actually a good thing. It means that she still cares.
This being said, in my opinion, the issue is deeper than porn. I think she is trying to tell you something. It would be good if some of the women in this forum give you some advice. They'll understand better how a woman feels and how to handle this situation.
Personally, I would suggest taking it slow, but showing her that you understand how she feels and that you care about her. Don't do anything major and don't bring up the problem again. Just listen to her, acknowledge what she is saying. Don't argue. Don't apologize again since you already did. Don't justify what you did. Don't ask her for anything at this point. Certainly, don't blame her for anything.
Compliment her but without exaggerating. Try to lighten the mood, but again without making her feel that you disregard how she feels. Keep conversations light and positive.
If there is something that she had been complaining about, try to fix it. Show her that you understand her and that you are trying your best. But do it mostly in action not in words.
But at the same time, keep your dignity. Don't be needy because it is not attractive. Take care of yourself, but stay modest. Don't complain or don't criticize.
I hope this helps. Let's see what others suggest.
Last edited by kiro; 03/17/1912:43 AM.
Me:49 XW:41, M:18 years, Kids: S18,S14 BD:JULY 2017, W moved out: DEC 2017 Filed for D: APR 2019, D Final: JULY 2019
I have 1 more thing to add. If you want her back, this is not the time to solve your intimacy issue. First, you need to take care of your angry wife. And this will take time. When (hopefully), she starts feeling that you understand her and she starts warming up to you again and trusting you, then you can address your intimacy issue. And even then, I would suggest consulting a professional because this is complicated issue and can involve a lot of emotions on both sides.
For now, the fact that you bring up this issue seems defensive and doesn't help your case.
Me:49 XW:41, M:18 years, Kids: S18,S14 BD:JULY 2017, W moved out: DEC 2017 Filed for D: APR 2019, D Final: JULY 2019
She still thinks ive commited adultery and shes still upset. Im sick of this. Its hard to keep my composure and let her rage at me telling me that im no longer trustworthy. I try not to have any reaction. I try to agree that i see her point of veiw now, but she still wont to hear it. She will bang on the walls so that ' i know shes entering the room' , she doesnt want to 'catch me in the act'. I will never look at porn again now that I know how she feels about it- but she doesnt beleive me. She wants out of the marriage but knows she divorce because Im her only financial support.
A quick look at the dictionary will tell you, her, and anyone that you did not commit adultery. It's somewhat understandable that she has hurt feelings over this. What's not making sense is that she doesn't understand that you have physical needs, an innate desire for sex. You cannot turn it off. She has not been an outlet for your sexual desire, yet she gets mad that after years of ignoring your needs that you masturbate? Excuse me little miss priss but that seems like a one way street. She's telling you that she expects you to never get off ever. That's BS! Now she's being all passive aggressive.
I think you two need to talk this one out like adults. And if this is her excuse to divorce you then you should say good riddance and get on with it woman but don't stay for my financial support b/c that's not what I'm here for.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
