Yes, for me. I asked for them and he said yes. We'll see. I think you might be right about extra pressure - he is so fragile and erratic right now - but he's also asking for me to support him and wait for him and I don't feel okay about doing that without seeing he is at least making some tiny effort to keep connected with me in any small way he can. I get your point though. I guess we will just see how it shakes out this week. I won't see him until Wednesday when I am working late and he is in the house taking care of the kids - he will be with eldest and that's a trigger point for conflict and my anxiety, but it is an improvement that he offered and responded well when I asked him to be gentle with him. Again, we'll see.
Sure - I'm taking any and all suggestions and am erratic myself at the moment so just working on keeping myself on as even a keel as I can. I had a hard start to this morning - very upset - but got myself back to myself and had a nice afternoon. Thanks for checking in.
Things are okay today. I got my goodnight message and sent a supportive text today.
I think we're both pretty bruised after the Friday date. I guess I had lots of hopes. I know he was disappointed that I got upset - it's a regular complaint of his - that he wants to tell me something is wrong or withdraw to take care of himself, and I get so reactive and emotional he's got to take care of me, whether he wants to or not, and that takes away his choices. I see he wants to see me doing a lot more self care and being more emotionally independent, and I want to see him wanting to get close to me because he wants to, and not just to pacify me.
I don't really agree with his view on things - but then again, it is his view and that matters. I think the GAL stuff I have planned with work for me no matter what happens. As Flying Solo said, I need to heal and he can't do it for me.
Be kind to yourself, I made a lot of mistakes during those early dates and I still sometimes get very emotional and dh has a hard time dealing with that. But in a way you can't help it, these are big scary life happenings and you will get upset and emotional and take things the wrong way and over-react. You're human. And he might too, though men seem to have different ways of being over-emotional which seem harder to spot. Dh seems to go blank faced for example. I've found that breathing techniques can help to calm me down, the other day when I was going to meet dh at the pub I did a 4 5 8 breathing which seemed to help (breathe in for 4, hold for 5, out for 8). There are other means of calming down. Maybe even saying to your husband 'I'm sorry, I'm all upset, give me 5 minutes to calm down' might be useful?
I think that dh and I have both got better at repairing things over time, and I think that's even more important than who gets upset and when. Getting upset disturbs the safety of your relationship, but conflict is inevitable so better to learn how to deal with it going forward than to think it won't happen. Like the way I got upset on Saturday because I felt rejected that dh was only staying for an hour. He didn't really repair but I kind of did clumsily and then afterwards I worked out why I got upset and what he could do to help in future and then told him. Other times the best repair he can make is to give me a hug and I ask for that. I'm not sure yet how I repair, I think I explicitly try to put the argument aside and make peace, there are probably other methods I can learn. I have definitely got less extreme in my emotional reactions over the last 6 months, but I think part of that is feeling that it's less likely that dh will leave for good, so that is a real chicken and egg situation. If you think there's a chance your husband is going to walk away forever then that is by nature a hugely threatening situation and bound to threaten your sense of safety and induce huge fear. Feeling like it's less likely allows you more room to not panic, to breathe, to be a bit calmer and therefore to react less out of pure emotion.
I do think you need to take the pressure out of any future dates, face to face in a restaurant is the worst method. Walking has been really good for us, we've always walked together anyway but a walk is just a walk, and being side by side encourages more ease and means less pressure, plus you can be silent if you're feeling upset or unsure. If walking isn't to your taste then going for a drive can be good too. But I'm sure you two have your 'thing' that you did when you first got together or that you've done together over the years, try to work that out or even find something new. Is there something both of you have always wanted to do?
I do think I need to get better at managing my emotions. I also think I did pretty well listening to him tell me how angry he was with me for an hour, and he really didn't like it when I tried to set a boundary and end that part of the conversation. I cried because I was upset, and it would been better, I think, for me to just have said something like, 'you don't look like you're in the mood to have a date night tonight, let's try again another time' but you live and learn.
Cordial messages today. I sent encouragement, he was nice. He also texted me this evening to let me know he was out playing football and I shouldn't think he was ignoring me if I texted again and he didn't respond. It's good to see that he is getting out and taking care of himself (this is very new - him being social and exercising) and also being considerate of how I might feel. I just said I hoped he had a good time and I was pleased he was taking time for himself in the midst of his work project.
I am tired. But it's been a good day. Had IC this morning and talked about the ways his anger trigger either placating or defensive responses in me, and how much of that is to do with how and how much of it is to do with my past. I still am not sure about that, though I am working to heal my past and I am pretty sure I don't want an R where he is stuck in expressing anger rather than wanting to move on to make a repair. I am not making a decision, but I feel a bit clearer. I am a little anxious about how things might pan out tomorrow though I do need rest and that's more important than mulling that over tonight.
I think if it comes to another date - and neither of us has suggested that - then I might suggest a walk. We're getting a dog soon and I will be taking lots of walks. It is GAL for me but it might also be a low pressure way to spend a finite amount of time together without pressure. I suspect a silence will feel more companiable and less stony than if we were staring at each other across a dining table too.
I think it gets easier to manage your emotions as time passes, I cringe when I think of some of the times I completely lost it in the early months and also over Christmas, not just with dh but in public. Luckily I've stopped crying on public transport for the most part now. I don't think it's possible to stay in a fearful confused place for that long, so it does get easier to get less upset.
That is really good news about him taking care of himself and also the considerate text is great, great response from you too. And good news about you addressing your responses to anger as well, such a healthy thing to do for yourself as well as your marriage. I hope tomorrow goes well.
Thank you. I think taking care of myself physically is going to be first on my list - I know I am often at my lowest just when I get home from work, when I am tired and hungry and the house is cold and the kids need feeding and there are coats all over the place and school stuff everywhere. It's the time when I am most likely to cry or feel angry or want to contact H.
Tomorrow he is in with the kids. I do have time to pop back at tea time to see them all before I go out to the evening event. But as that's the low point for me and will be a busy and stressful time for him - and only the third time, I think, he's had contact with eldest since he left at the start of Jan, it will be too tense so I am going to stay away and get myself something nice to eat elsewhere.
Funny, Monday mornings are often my low point. I used to love them because everyone went to school or work and I was left alone. Now I just feel abandoned then. Luckily I have a regular aerobics class I can go to first thing Monday now to escape the house. Maybe you could institute a new coming home routine, like playing loud music and having a kitchen disco with the kids while you cook dinner or something? But yes, if that's a low point then best to avoid home tomorrow, I agree. I hope he and eldest get on ok, you might be pleasantly surprised...
