xW still hasn't met my GF and I haven't met her BF (I think they are still together) and it's been over a year. I don't think, personally, that you have to meet other person, unless you want to. But, as has been pointed out before, He might actually be a nice guy.
xW and I never had a timeframe on when we would introduce our new partners. I simply said "When I satisfied it is stable and long term". For me that ended up being 10 months.
The one thing rolling around my head if I were to meet him in the 'beginning stage' of them dating is to simply shake his hand at the end say 'Good luck'.
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
Good to hear you're doing well too. I would not have any interest in meeting him if we didn't have kids. The only reason I am going to meet him is to get some sense of who this guy is. If I didn't have kids, I would've been outta Dodge a long time ago.
About her saying it's in the 'beginning' stages - don't believe a word they say. If she's introduced him to the kids I doubt it's in that stage. But in any case, it's good luck to him nonetheless. Let him figure this out lol. His personal situation sounds kinda terrible too so don't know how emotionally healthy he is. But not for me to judge or worry about. All I know is that if two emotionally unhealthy people get together, ain't leading to nothing good. If he is emotionally healthy, he should be able to spot that my exW ain't his cup of tea.
But again, not by battle to fight. I am just out and I plan on staying wayyyyy the hell out.
I've talked to xW a bit about her dating life only in the context of our kids to make sure they are safe. I am confident that she wouldn't let anyone that could bring harm to our kids anywhere near her, so that hasn't been an issue.
Hopefully your legal issues can speed along and you can move on to the next phase of your life. It's scary yet exciting.
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
I've been working every day to put my values in practice and operate from a place of authenticity. Just came across someone's work that has been great in centering the work that I've been doing in my path of recovery and wellness. If you google the Four Agreements, you'll find the author and their work. The Four Agreements are something I've been doing unconsciously, but it was nice to see it codified and elaborated upon. Just putting it here to see if it might be of use to anyone else.
1. Always be impeccable with your Word 2. Don't take anything personally 3. Don't make assumptions 4. Always do your best
Of course the devil is in the details. I think that I, and most people, fail at each and every one of these precepts on a daily basis. I don't think that there is anything wrong in striving for these things, in fact I think authenticity is absolutely crucial. However, I can also see how it might be counter-productive to beat yourself up over your shortcomings. I try to do my best, but I know that I often come up short, be it in my classes or in my interactions with others. I could sit and stew about those failings for days on end, but I don't think it would help me. Maybe I should do my best within the context of my situation, but then am I just letting myself off the hook? It's tricky. The same with the other precepts. Is there value in having them as signposts that let us know when we have wandered off the path, while acknowledging that straying is inevitable?
Thanks for giving me the opportunity to reflect on this.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
You bring up a crucial point Davide - the point is to strive for this and not beat yourself up for falling short. We all fall short on them every day. For me they are guideposts that allow me to recenter how I am approaching my life and also what my internal conversation is with myself.
I think your point about letting oneself off the hook is valid. I think if you're trying to practice honesty and intentionality, you have to be able to self-assess truthfully without placing judgment on yourself. From practice, this is hard to do because if your self-assessment is negative, then you have to step outside of yourself and know that it doesn't reflect on you as a 'bad' person. It's just that you fell short and you aim to do better. So many people including myself in the past conflate the 'I did a bad thing' to 'I am a bad person'. You have to decouple those thoughts and understand that failure is part of the journey and you're only doomed to repeat it if you don't learn from it and engage in personal growth. Doesn't mean that the failure may not happen again, but your response to it will be different. I believe this is probably the most important thing I have learned in my journey to improve my emotional fitness.
So yeh, there's tons of nuance to this and having honest self-reflection and balancing different viewpoints objectively as possible can point you in a forward direction.
Met with exW's new squeeze earlier this week but didn't have time to update all y'all. Well, we met for 15-20 minutes over a beer and it went all good. The guy is completely different from me, but it would've been weirder if exW had found someone close to who I am. He's a nice enough guy and being a parent himself with 50/50 split, he understands the landscape very well and also what his role would be with my kids. He sounds like a really caring and involved father, which was good to see.
If I had to give one word to exW's choice, it would be 'safe'. He is a regular dude with a regular job and is humming along in his life. Nothing wrong with that, but definitely not an alpha male. Just didn't get that vibe from him.
I didn't come out guns blazing, but it was interesting to see who exW went after in terms of an R. Not sure where their R is going, but we'll see.
Honestly, I felt so good after the meet. Not because I felt like I was in competition with this guy, but just gave me a good idea of where I fit in the dating landscape and what I am after. I was emotionally cool and I feel super indifferent about exW and her life path. I went in the meet with the attitude that I was going to meet 'The Rock' as my exW's new bf and that he was going to be superior to me in every regard. That emotional attitude help me temper my own approach and just to be myself. He is him and I am me - we both have value as human beings and who exW wants to be with is her preference. Doesn't reflect on me as an individual and what my worth is.
I know I am in a really privileged situation with this because this guy is not an OM that my exW cheated with. If that was the case, this meet would not have happened. If a guy was actively involved in the destruction of my marriage, I already know his character and level of integrity. No need to find out more. But, I am so lucky that I am not in that position.
I am charting my own journey and meeting this guy felt like a huge closure to me. Not sure why, but it's like a burden was lifted from my shoulders.
Thanks Nef! haha, no Vader outfit, but always the DB Vader attitude lol.
I reflected on it last night and I am so grateful to how far I have come in my journey. My emotional health is so top notch now and I feel way better than even a month ago.
I know who I am and what I want and what I have to offer. The world is open to me basically. ExW is on her own path and hopefully she finds peace in her heart. I still won't excuse what she did and how she did it, but I have definitely accepted her decision. I have not received an iota of an apology from her, but I have no expectations that I will get that. Maybe in a few years I might, but I am not holding my breath.
Thanks to this community, I am flourishing and becoming better every day.
