If I’ve learbed anything in my too many years of dating as a divorced mom....
Believe who a person is the first time they show you. She showed you she is a flake. Why would you even entertain an3 rd time with her? You have no attachment or commitment to her.
Nope...when her first words are I'm so sorry I've not been talkative, but you made me super uncomfortable and I've got lots of other stuff pulling me away from dating, but I still want to get to know you...
I'm just treating her as a friend/acquaintance...with words like that to me there was no point asking right now as she's all over the place.
Like I say she's flaky and best thing for me is to just move along...maybe one day she comes around, maybe she doesn't...not waiting to find out...
had a meet up with my IC yesterday. told her for all intents and purposes I've analyzed myself out of any future thoughts of relationships. the risks vs reward of trying again...meh. perhaps it's just a phase in my journey, but just what I'm feeling these days. she has told me between my personal experiences and what i've read of from these forums, still that is but a VERY small percentage of the collective whole of available women. she's right of course, but given what I believe are the expectations of a modern lady vs my realistic expectation of how much I'm capable of...as I've said before at some point I'll blow it and I don't believe there's any margin for error with today's ladies. social media, real housewives and acceptance of divorce have forever changed the dynamics of marriage in my opinion. i gave it a good go, two marriages just shy of 20 years of my life...got a sweet D4 out of it, but now think it's time to close up shop and go back to enjoying the things of my youth before girls and the idea of love were a thing to me. to remove that stress and that's what it was mostly...singledomness seems the smartest way to go. IC is NOT happy with me telling her that LOL. I plan to keep seeing her as I enjoy our discussions. They have helped me heal, learn and become a better man. I'll never say never. A GF someday...maybe/sure...in a world full of flaky just hard to see it. She and I both agree completing my D and getting away from the dysfunction that is my WW will be a wonderful thing. no real point to this beyond a journaling of where my mind is these days. removing women from my thoughts has me truly relaxed and ready for my life ahead with D4. so crazy how just randomly flowing my thoughts about my life are right now. my best to all of you who are struggling and deep within the pain of your journey. time and patience.
Good luck B. While I agree with much of what you say related to modern day love and marriage, I think that you should always be open to the right person coming along that can open your heart to the idea of a long term, committed relationship again. While you are right that the state of modern day marriage is in shambles for all kinds of reasons and the devaluing of the male-female relationship, there are still a lot of couples out there that get it right.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I think you are wise to be focusing on you and your daughter right now. Everything is pretty fresh for you. Spending a decent amount of time single and detached from the witch we all went through will be very valuable.
Your comment “dating in a world of flakes” you had one woman flake out on you. And she’s flakey. But don’t let her represent the population. There are some pretty great non-flakey women out there. And I think they put number the flakey ones. You’ll find in the world of dating you have to recognize the flakiness early and move on from it, especially in the super early stages.
So when you are ready, you’ll find there are a lot of non flakey women and you’ll have a great R one day
As the scientific method shows, you don’t generalize from a particular case, right? The same for two. Everything fits into the time and patience sentence.
Enjoy your D and feel the freedom. Love is always around. Relax and be yourself.
No kick a$$ emojis now, but a big hug for you and D.
(((B)))
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Believe who a person is the first time they show you.
This is so very true. People will show us who they are if only we will believe them! I can't tell you how many times something happened early on but it's really patterns of behavior we need to watch for. Still after the patterns appear it's uncanny how an example of that pattern was shown early on. You don't want to jump to conclusions though either but I cannot agree more how Ginger is correct in this - believe who a person shows herself to be!
Originally Posted by Ginger1
There are some pretty great non-flakey women out there. And I think they put [out] number the flakey ones.
Oh how I wished this were true but sadly when it comes to AVAILBLE women, flakey outnumbers non-flakey all day long. Sad but so very true.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
LOL so after 3 weeks of again ghosting...as many ladies predicted Miss Sunshine reappeared. Called me this past Saturday afternoon, but left no message and didn't text after I had missed her call. Since it had been 3 weeks, I had made her uncomfortable calling...I just let it go. Monday morning I wake up to a text that was sent in the middle of the night saying "I guess people don't call people back anymore" with a sad face. LOL! I could not believe she wrote that. Anyway as I am ok with being friendly with her I engaged her in text Monday although I've given up trying to ask her out. Texted all day Monday and then as before following my last text she went silent and was silent all day yesterday. Figure she's gone once again until she's not. Anyway I have never had a lady flake as hard as this girl has. It's more like an "experiment" with me now to see how many times she'll run away and then come back, only to take off again. I was betting for sure she wouldn't call back again, but the ladies were right. So strange.
On the soon to be wwEx front, agreement should be this week or at latest next. WW as throughout as been completely silent towards me and only wants D'd ASAP. My gut continues to tell me she must have someone else to be like this, but she is also amazingly impatient and believes the world should bow to her wishes. I'm happy to see a final resolution in sight and the paperwork is just to make official how we've been for better than a year now. To be free and have my life back and severed from her completely at least except for where D4 is concerned will be a wonderful thing. Given how utterly avoidant and bizarre she has been throughout I will say again that I will never consider a reconciliation with her nor will I have a friendship with her. I will continue to work with her as a faceless entity to raise our D4, but that is the extent of it. I think as like most places it will take about 8-12 weeks to become final, but once the agreement is done I'll consider it a foregone conclusion.
Thank you all for your thoughts on dating and how I'm feeling. Steve, as I have always desired a forever, committed relationship with one woman I am sure that so much of me will try to remain open as possible to the idea of another relationship. I just think modern day marriage is more like "the best 5-6 years of your life until you get unhappy and/or someone better comes along". Above all else it is so terrible for the children. They are the ones who pay the most when dysfunctional adults both men and women allow their entitled, selfish ways to lead their lives. I hope God is putting me through these trials to prepare me for better days ahead. I keep my faith in that while I try to restore my hope.
Ginger...well I'd say it's less intentional about me focusing on my daughter and I and more like given the mess I have found in women, that's all I got and I know that love is certain and it far and away sustains me way more than any woman ever could. As I've said before I'm not bitter or angry at women, simply put just don't think I can meet the level of demands that they all seem to have even when they can't even define what it is they want. I'm just beyond Meh with them all. The risks vs any reward I just don't see anymore. It's a shame as I really do love and respect all women and would love that forever love some day, but the expectations of today's women...for sure one day I'd blow it somehow and no matter what I tried, it would be game over just as it has been with all of my priors. And more importantly how much of myself must I sacrifice to meet their needs? I was a good husband to each of my two wives, loving, committed, great provider and great father and yet it still wasn't enough. God knows I had my faults and could have been even better, but how much of me must I give up to please them? Outside of men leaving their wives for physical pursuits, how many men walk away for other reasons? I would wager not many because look at how many men come back once the outside sex dries up. Where are the women who are willing to reciprocate to make their man happy? Both genders are to blame for making a mess of modern marriage, holistically I just don't see if I give 100% that I'll get 100% back in return.
Neffer...time, patience yes...and apathy. At least from the prospect of relationships, I have put blinders on to the entire gender of women. I just exist in a world of play time and love with D4 and enjoy hanging out with my buddies when D4 is not with me, but I move past women as if they aren't even there. Am always respectful to all of them, but my walls are so high I don't even "see" them anymore. It's like I'm living the adult version of a 12 year old boy. Nothing, but all fun before girls were ever an interest of mine and it's fantastic. No concern about how they view me, no stress on this girl, that girl, just devoid of romantic feeling towards them. Maybe one day it will come back. As I said to Steve I know fully and strongly within me I'm a hopeless romantic and really want that forever love I've sought all my life. Right now though I'm just fully packed up and way off the playing field so to speak.
DonH...I definitely took Ginger's quote to heart in dealing with Miss Sunshine. That she is THAT flaky...never experienced that before. You hit on another part of my thought process. IF I were to want to date again what is the pool of available women like. For one thing I would exclude any woman who did not make comparable money to me. She could be the sweetest girl in the world, but as experience has shown me if we married and she later flaked, I simply could not take the economic hit, so they are out. Any woman who left their husband for their "happiness" I want no part of. Of the ladies on OLD sites that's probably a fair number. I do not want somebody else's WW. I DO believe though that there are a HUGE number of wonderful women who were left behind spouses to their husbands affairs and those ladies I would love to meet. I love children so ladies with or without children would be fine with me. The ONLY concern I have as they rightly may have with me is how badly did the betrayals that each of us experienced screw us up for future relationship success. I'm more optimistic good women are out there...they are just going to have to come find me as my looking days are over. I'll be on the playground with D4! :-)
That she is THAT flaky...never experienced that before.
I think you said she's a younger lady? I have a friend that is in his 40's and has been dating younger women for the last 5 years or so, he started about the same time I did before settling in with my GF. We both had our share of this same type of thing where some would blow up our phones and then go dead silent. I can't tell you why some are like that, but I can tell you that it's not unusual. And it probably won't change, the ones that are like that stay like that. If you want to keep talking to her as a friend then it's no biggie, but don't plan on a R with her because it's unlikely to happen. She probably just wants a part-time text buddy.
Yeah she is...34. I'll keep her on SM and for sure R I dropped that idea after the last ghosting. I engaged the passive/aggressive just to see what she wanted. Any further comms...I'll just stay silent. If she drops off my SM, no loss.
