Gordie 23 one year after she dropped the D

[Yail]

I would see if you can get her to talk during sex or after. I think if she can do that, then you can make it clear to her that you would like her to initiate when she is interested and that she doesn't have to respond to your initiation if she is not. If she is tentative or wary, maybe she could give you a sign that she is interested and would like you to initiate. Maybe that lets her feel pursued and gives you the confidence you are pursuing at the right time. Trial and error. Just like everything else.

I like OneArts suggestion about talking after sex (especially if it was a positive experience for both of you. In the real world we know that's not always true for every person every time...so be aware of this).

My only addition would be to watch her response to discussing sex at this time. For a lot of people this is the perfect time to talk about sex - you're bothe vulnerable but content. But I know for me in my past this is also when I felt the most "judged". Feeling very raw but then a discussion about how to improve...can be tricky. So I'd say just monitor very closely and maybe pick another time. For me I'd rather discuss sex when out and about having fun (at a concert or a bar) and when I felt really connected to my partner - and when I felt very confident. So just be sure you do what works.

The suggestion about a subtle signal is great. Code words are fun. "Hey hun, know what I'm in the mood for? Strawberry pie! Haven't had that in forever....".

[DnJ]

Well done Gordie. You really are showing exemplary patience and kindness.

I do believe the MLCer has to grow up; that is the crux of this process. The LBS learns and grows first and then demonstrates. Continue to show her the lessons - kindness, patience, compassion, happiness, love, joy, trust, faith, intimacy, and forgiveness. That is the beam that shines from the lighthouse, that is what shines from you.

To me she is at a point where she is watching your lead, she wants to follow. Getting closer together is going to bring more to the surface and she will be looking for a trusting partner. Be compassionate and forgiving. She needs that, and so do you.

Remain slow, steady, and cautious. She is responding and greatly it sounds like.

Trust and forgiveness my friend. Tall orders indeed, I get it. However, it has to start somewhere and sometime. Why not now? It is just a start, and this is going to take some time. Be fearless and lower your walls some more. Risk your heart, it is so worth it.

Keep with the exemplary patience and kindness.

DnJ

[roist]

I would just make one observation about a possible sex chat you are planning. Don't come across as being a lost boy looking for her to dictate/decide everything. I know this is not where you are coming from but IMO if you come across as too unsure, that is unattractive. Women don't like having to decide everything and like their man to be decisive and self-confident. Whereas I believe it is fundamental to be interested and respectful of what she wants, be careful not to come across as sheepish.

Maybe just let her know that in the future when you initiate, there is no pressure or obligation for her to respond favourably. Only you can read the situation, but I fear it could still be a little soon to fully outline your wants. Again depending on how your conversation goes, I propbably would wait a little before letting her know you would like her to initiate. However if she does so in the meantime, be sure to acknowledge it positively

Got to go

best wishes

[Gerda]

I think it would be insane to talk about sex with her already.

You have waited two years for this. I think you can wait more than two months.

I would just keep being Gordie. Listen, respond. Keep surrendering your will to God.

This might sound crazy to other folks on these parts, but take a moment before you go to bed in the evening and ask God to help you live in His will.

I think you are focusing too much on strategizing and your needs. Just listen to her in bed, physically and emotionally, as you have learned to listen to her outside of that. In time she will listen to you too.

[job]

Gerda,

Very wise/sage advice. Gordie, please read and re-read what Gerda has posted.

[Gordie]

Gerda Roist OneArt Butterfly Neffer DNJ Yail

Gerda, no big sex talks planned but I welcome all the advice and will utilize it when the time is right.

Roist, we actually had some recent non sex related discussion about the confidence topic and how w wants me to be LESS cautious or as you say sheepish, more directed and more open.

Roist and one art, I think the suggestion to say it is okay to sometimes reject my advances is a good one; feeling like sex is obligatory is one part of the old marriage that we both want to leave behind.

I love OneArt’s advice about having a secret word or phrase that means “I am in the mood” is an awesome and playful one that I would love to introduce.

DNJ I think you also are right that she is also following my lead in certain things but I am also taking her lead in other things, where we are both trying to figure out the new dynamics of where we are and where we want to go and how we are going to get there.

Gerda, I agree with your caution about this is not the time for strategizing.

***

I have been thinking a lot about what Job wrote and the links she sent me about the reconnection phase.

I knew this phase would require being present for the other person, listening and being open.

The part I did not see is the one about humbling yourself.

[job]

Gordie,

Reconnection takes the patience of JOB. To me, this is the most difficult stage because we see improvements, we see them reconnecting and we want to them be back in the here and now at this very moment. Patience, listening and affirming them is very important right now. We want to talk to them about what happened and how we feel and where we need to go from here, but that talk will come much later.

She is still very fragile and she feels safe w/you, but not safe enough yet to hear everything. Continue to drop those crumbs of love and friendship and she'll follow.

[Gerda]

The part I did not see is the one about humbling yourself.

That's the hardest part.

When I do that hardest thing, the other things become easy.

I rarely can do it.

You may feel you don't do it well, but from my vantage point, you are a black belt in humility.

Goodbye til Easter, my friend!!!!

[Gordie]

Remember that you are dust

But your life is not a bust

In this valley of tears

And too many fears

Fast and pray

Cry and sway

Kiss the tree

Drink of me

[OneArt]

Well, our budding poet. How about trying your hand at a villanelle? This one came to mind (although yours could be cheerier these days).


The House on the Hill

BY EDWIN ARLINGTON ROBINSON

They are all gone away,
The House is shut and still,
There is nothing more to say.

Through broken walls and gray
The winds blow bleak and shrill:
They are all gone away.

Nor is there one to-day
To speak them good or ill:
There is nothing more to say.

Why is it then we stray
Around the sunken sill?
They are all gone away,

And our poor fancy-play
For them is wasted skill:
There is nothing more to say.

There is ruin and decay
In the House on the Hill:
They are all gone away,
There is nothing more to say.