I am going to try and catch the board up on the latest - it may take a few posts but here is a start:
We told the kids about D the weekend before last. D(4) appeared unfazed and would not sit still, instead going off to play a few feet away. S(7) cried and that was a dagger to the heart. We spent about 45 minutes just hanging and consoling him. W cried for a bit. I told the kids no matter what we are keeping the house, they will also have another house with their own rooms, close by, same school, friends, sports, etc etc., we just haven't decided which parent will live where. Told them we loved them and this is not their fault. S(7) kept asking "why?" and W said it was grown-up reasons and kept deflecting. I had told W prior that I would not lie and say I wanted D or that we decided together, but W will not say she is initiating so she has to deflect. I was calm and composed the whole time, no tears. Of course it sucked, couldn't believe it was actually happening, but this is the new reality.
I told my parents and siblings over the phone (they are not local) the morning before we told the kids. Got choked up a few times but held it together. They were all shocked and crushed, and really concerned about the kids. I have an awesome family and we are close. I told them I had the sitch under control and that things were going to work out fine. I felt so bad for bringing pain to them, they are hurting and worried. But very supportive and ready to help in any way. We'll be leaning on each other and making it through, and I see lots of great family time ahead.
I have confided in my closest friends as well and given them some of the details of the W's behavior and my own. It felt great to finally let my inner circle know what has been going on. They were all blown away, they said everything always seemed so great between W and I. These friends are mine from way back before I knew W and I think W knows I will be confiding in them. We have a separate set of more mutual friends made through the kids' friends, and I have dropped the news on a few of them so the word will be spreading. With this group I am holding back details and taking the high road, and as I will be remaining in town and involved with kids activities and such I want to keep everything as benign as possible.
So I made it through the first rough phase of telling the kids/immediate family without any breakdowns. I still have some talking to do with good friends, face to face, and there will be emotion in there. I am also very close to my extended family, and I have been getting hit with texts of support which has been heartwarming, I just have not had the time to speak with them but I will be calling them all personally over the next week. It will be hard but cathartic.
sorry to hear about this. I hope you can take a moment and catch your breath. Your children will need you. Their growth won't stop, so even though it doesn't look like you and your W will be together anymore, your children are always yours. Be the man, the father, the example that they need. How you act during this tough time will set the tone for their entire lives. You got this.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Sorry you and your family are going through this very difficult time. My heart goes out to you and your children. It wasn’t long ago where W and I told our S11 and S6.
Time will heal. You’re a strong man and it’s perfectly okay to grieve and allow yourself that time.
Lean on the ones who care about you. It sounds like you got a lot of ppl in your corner, that’s great.
You also got us here. We’re here for you too.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
Gekko, very sorry you're going through this. Telling the kids is one of the toughest parts to be sure. I had the same feeling of "how in the world did we end up here" during that convo. Who would put their kids through something like that? My gosh I would have cut off my own arm with a rusty knife before subjecting my kids to a divorce if it were up to me. But it wasn't, and likewise for you this is all your W's doing. So be proud that you have done what you could to stand for your M and for your kids. Always conduct yourself with dignity and respect and your kids will love you for it forever.
Thanks for your kind thoughts, having this space to post and to get support has been amazing.
The day after telling the kids, W returned the engagement ring and wedding band to me. I knew she was going to because she had told me weeks before that she wanted to get them off of her finger and that she would be giving them back. She had asked me if I had thought about keeping them for our D(4) as she might like to have them when she is older, and I laughed and said "Uh, no". When the time is right I will be selling them, there are several online websites that seem legit. I know I won't get anything near what I paid (about $15K) but I am hoping to get a decent sum. I have also stopped wearing my ring.
W has been asking what I have told my family and friends about the sitch. I told her that is between me and them. She said she is worried I am throwing her under the bus. I just reiterated that that my discussions with my family and friends is between me and them, period. I did not elaborate with something like "because of the D you have no right to know" or anything like that, but that is the underlying message in my simple statement. Less is definitely more for most of my discussions with W - keeping it simple. Most of my points can be made in one or two sentences at most.
Since the BD on the kids, W has mentioned us being "friends" and doing things as a "family" several times and also that we need to have a "flexible" custody arrangement due to our work schedules. W has early a.m. video calls with people overseas once or twice a week that she cannot control, so I can see why she would want flexibility. She is probably anticipating that I will handle the kids on these mornings and get them to school/pre-school, even if it will be her day for custody.
Regarding being "friends", in response I said "we will be co-parents and do the best we can." I did not directly say we wouldn't be friends but I'm not planning on it. I am planning on moving on and between work, kids, actual friends, hobbies and eventual dating I am anticipating it will be all business between me and W and communications will be brief. I don't feel the need to spell things out for her -"this is how its going to be" type stuff. I am more a man of action, and she will see how things are going to be once we get to that point. I feel like trying to spell it out for her now is not going to change anything, its not going to give her pause as to whether she is making the right decision to D, and it almost comes across as maybe a little vindictive /reactionary/punishment. Don't tell her, just show her is my motto. Thoughts on this approach appreciated...
Same thing with doing things as a family. I'm not saying "we're not a family", but I'm not intending to do "family" events like amusement parks, vacations, etc. We will definitely be seeing each other at kids events, and I suspect we may do joint kids' b-day parties, but that's about it. If W mentions doing some sort of family day-trip or other event, I feel like I will be declining. Thoughts on this?
Finally, regarding custody, I will happily take extra time with the kids so long as it does not impact my work. I often defer to W's schedule because she has to jump when someone else says and I am in more control of mine. But on my days without custody I am intending to book appointments and have long work days so that I can have a lighter workload on days the kids are with me, so I'm certain there are going to be plenty of days the W is going to have to figure things out for herself. She is going to see my response to her request for help - "sorry but I am booked" - and she will conclude that I am punishing her for D. I'm not sure how she will handle early a.m. kids stuff other than getting our sitter to come over, but hard to see how that will work on a regular basis. I'll take the kids when I can, otherwise, Not My Problem.
Hang in there bud. Most importantly, grow a new and tight bond with your kids! I went through exactly where you are about 4 years ago. It was brutal, and I'd be lying if I said it didn't get worse. What I can also advise you on...as part of my GAL and to make myself feel better, I started seeing someone about 2 months after she filed for the D. Felt good at the time, but we ended up reconciling and it was a major barrier to trusting each other again, etc. W had feeling like I thought she was easily replaceable. Not true, but that's how she saw it...even though she was the one running, filing, and seeing someone else as well.
The new "friends" talk, doing "family outings," and things like this was exactly when she started thawing to me. I had definitely GAL and 180 and started a new life. Her words to me were, "I knew you'd become the man I wanted as soon as I left you." So if you TRULY want the R, be PATIENT. However, if you are unsure if you want the R, this is the time you need to figure that out. GAL and detaching is all part of being the new you...AND figuring out what you want in your old R with W or in any relationship. Look at this time as something positive...you get time for yourself to figure out a LOT of things about you and your needs. Sounds like the relationship was unhealthy, which you really don't want...so you know you don't want your old M back, so don't cling to it! If you stay M to your W or not, your R with her will be different from now on anyway!
Hope this helps!
Me: 44 Her: 42 T: 22, M: 20 D:18, S:16, S:11 Sep: 6 months in 2002 Sep again: March 15, 2015 (5 months) WAW talk again: January 21, 2019
H:"W, I have no intention on being your friend when you have decided to end our marriage this way."
I am sure it is in my quotes likes someplace. See if you can find it and read the rest of his "Script".
Off the top of my head:
H:"W, One of the benefits of being married is the flexibility. After we are divorced, it will be important that we stick to a set exchange scheduled. There will of course be exceptions, but they should be rare."
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Hang in there bud. Most importantly, grow a new and tight bond with your kids! I went through exactly where you are about 4 years ago. It was brutal, and I'd be lying if I said it didn't get worse. What I can also advise you on...as part of my GAL and to make myself feel better, I started seeing someone about 2 months after she filed for the D. Felt good at the time, but we ended up reconciling and it was a major barrier to trusting each other again, etc. W had feeling like I thought she was easily replaceable. Not true, but that's how she saw it...even though she was the one running, filing, and seeing someone else as well.
The new "friends" talk, doing "family outings," and things like this was exactly when she started thawing to me. I had definitely GAL and 180 and started a new life. Her words to me were, "I knew you'd become the man I wanted as soon as I left you." So if you TRULY want the R, be PATIENT. However, if you are unsure if you want the R, this is the time you need to figure that out. GAL and detaching is all part of being the new you...AND figuring out what you want in your old R with W or in any relationship. Look at this time as something positive...you get time for yourself to figure out a LOT of things about you and your needs. Sounds like the relationship was unhealthy, which you really don't want...so you know you don't want your old M back, so don't cling to it! If you stay M to your W or not, your R with her will be different from now on anyway!
Hope this helps!
Thanks for your insight Miler, much appreciated
Regarding dating, I have no intention of doing so before D or at least not until after we are in separate houses. (I am still in IHS at the moment). I have to admit that there are a few women in my orbit where a FWB thing would be game on if I wanted, but I am holding back on that for the time being as well. No need to complicate the current sitch.
I definitely do not want the current M, the W has work to do (so do I) if a R would ever be a possibility in the future. I am truly at this point not even thinking of an R with her at this point. My focus is on self-improvement, 180's, GAL, and handling the myriad of issues (custody, finances, etc ) leading up to D like a Boss.
I have been very busy with work and GAL and have not spent much time around W. I took a weekend trip with some of my friends which was awesome. I filled them in on the sitch at the outset and then no R talk for the rest of the weekend - just positive good times and laughs. Then I spent another weekend with my S(7) and a few friends and their kids at one of their condos up in the mountains. No R talk, just good times with the kids in the snow. Truthfully it's pretty great having full control over the weekend and no W inserting her controlling behavior over every little detail. And S(7) had the time of his life.
I had another night out with some old friends who were aware of the sitch generally but not the details. We hung out for a few hours at their house and I filled them on BD, ILYBINILWY, the W's caustic behavior over the years, my withdrawal and thoughts of a D many years ago, my own bad behavior, etc. etc. I was blown away when my friends spoke of instances when they were taken aback by W's harsh commentary they had experienced, even one instance where one friend actually felt dissed by her. It was so comforting yet also emotional to hear. I am a pretty strong guy but I shed a few tears and there were big hugs put on me. They also commented on my withdrawing from the R years ago, saying "anyone would feel that way after being hit with constant criticism". One friend said I need to watch out for PTSD. Then we went out for a great dinner and drinks with a bigger group of friends, and everyone was so supportive with lots of love in the air. Incredible night.
I've have been hitting the gym hard, lifting big weight and some cardio as well. In combination with the "D Diet", I am down from a 34 waist to a 32 and that's as slim as I can go. I was a weekend warrior athlete for decades and while I tapered off over the past 7 years since kids, everything is coming back pretty quick (for an old guy :)) I am probably about 90 days away from burning down any residual body fat and packing on the additional muscle mass I want. Just in time for the 2 S's - Summer and Separation.
I have a few more issues to update the board on but am out of time, more to come. Thanks for reading and everybody keep DBing - you are in control of you.
