Feeling lost getting over it and maybe not caring

[DejaVu6]

(((Turbine))) Stay the course. Ups and downs are all part of this. You will eventually get over this. How long it takes and how much pain you have to go through is, to a great extent, up to you. I can see the negative thoughts are swirling again. I know how that goes. Been guilty of it more times than I can count. I am trying to focus on positive affirmations and on developing self love. I read somewhere that the more empty we feel when someone leaves us, the more likely it is that we have been lacking in that department. Dig deep Turbine. Try to remember who you were before you became Turbine and Mrs. Turbine. You beating yourself up and telling yourself that you are losing is not helping you with that. Your W is going to do what she is going to do. You have no control over that so let her go. Wish her well in your mind and in your heart. If you have to repeat that over and over to yourself every morning then do it. Holding onto sadness, anger and resentment is like drinking a poison and hoping the other person will die. It only hurts you. (((HUGS)))

[Turbine]

DejaVu6, remember who I was before... been so long I'll need a tomb raider or Dr. Jones for help. Seriously though, I remember being assigned to the Enterprise and being tired of being in port and stuck on the ship. Live, eat, sleep, work, medical and dental all right there. Didn't have to leave the ship even in port. Except I wanted to and to be going to a place that was mine. With someone waiting and wanting me there. I asked God to help me find a wife. He did and I found Mrs. Turbine before she was Mrs. Turbine.

Really strange courtship, if you could call it that, and we didn't have much time to "date" before we had filed a fiance visa and were getting married. After we were married we were separated due to a deployment and when I returned there were three of us. We have never been the two of us, even now.

I enlisted and went to boot camp two weeks after graduating high school. No girl friends of note or for any length of time. Shy awkward and nerdy. That was me.

Am I that person? Is there some of that still in me? Not as much. Pretty sure I am past the shy part. Although my tolerance for stupid and dumba** is much higher now than then. I'll admit when I was wrong but I will stand up for being right more too. Not so much back then.

So I feel like I need a serious change. New job, although I really like the place and people I work with, new state (Illinois is circling the drain on so many levels)... at 55 years of experience.

Thing is, going to a new state would mean I would pretty much be on my own. Have to start over with everything, and I mean everything. From doctor and dentist to bank, living, employment, insurance... all of it. Some place a far removed from Illinois politically as possible. Chicago has too much influence in this state and it is a matter of time before that city and the state implode.

So finding me... minus Mrs. Turbine... pretty tall order.

[Turbine]

Reading the post above. Still have so much to deal with. I have lots of frustrated anger. Oh how I want to get rid of it. I want to so have some sort of positive interaction with her.

Updated my signature line too.

[ovrrnbw]

Turbine, you feel like you need to move far away to undergo a serious change, do I have that right?

Let's imagine you did do that, all those challenges you listed I saw as things to be excited about if you did make that change. You'd be in a brand new world. Now, I'm not saying I recommend you do it b/c I'm not sure really. But you can do anything you want if you have the can-do attitude and the mindset that you're going to be positive and accomplish your goals.

As for who you are, well that is always changing in my opinion. Whether or not you recognize it, you are always passively changing in some ways. But the important question is in what ways are you actively changing and how does that line up with who you believe you really are and who you really want to be?

[Turbine]

I've had much to think about the last week.

Fell apart making chili. Which was mostly for pot luck at church. Well received so much so there were requests for it again. Yes there are onions in it an no that's not what kicked it off. Whiskey Lullaby by Brad Paisley. So that is currently not on my playlist.

When we had our meeting with the Ls. W said she would help more with the bills. Hasn't happened.

I asked her about it. She replied that she had been paying our medical insurance all this time. My response was that since she had been taking care of the finances then she knew my check was spent covering bills as well.

I didn't belabor the point because it seemed not in my interests.

Maybe time to show her that there are consequences to this. We both make about the same and for assorted reasons my take home is larger. She wants this so the sharing of funds should cease. She has paid bills from the joint account without adding funds. When I have planned on paying another expense only to learn she paid the cable bill... it gets frustrating.

I don't want to force her to do anything. Nor inflict any pain or be a jerk about this. Maybe though I have no choice and can remain polite and civil and kiss her goodbye. For me in the long run. So not what I want but she is expressing no change. Our kids say I can do better... etc...

We shall see.

[ovrrnbw]

Yea that's a tough song Turbine. Mine is "Colder Weather" by Zac Brown.

Just keep a record of what she said she'd do and whether or not it happened. Now she has an explanation about why she couldn't uphold the agreement. That's annoying, but it's not like she hasn't done this before, and with bigger things. And I agree that it was probably not in your interests to drag it all out either.

I would consider no longer contributing to the joint account if I was in your shoes. She is definitely taking advantage of the situation there. You can do this without being mean. I know that fear you have, that this is going to be the thing that pushes her away. But then, hopefully, you can remember that she is already gone, right? How can you lose what you don't even have? Once you give your emotions a reality check like that, it makes it a little easier to do the right thing here. Your kids may say you can do better, and maybe that's so, but right now you need to do the best that you can in regards to yourself and being the person you want to be. Doing better? That implies getting a "better" partner. Well you aren't ready for that, but in time I have no doubts that you will be.

[Adam04]

Oh man when I was a teenager that Jim Croce if I could save time in a bottle always got me thinking ...

But now it’s black label society piano version of Scars.


Good sir Mr Turbine,

Nothing like a good chili with a little on-yons init. Them church ppl I know were blessed that day.

I understand where you are coming from with the finances and I agree with ovrrnbw on the joint account. I know you don’t want to be mean but don’t let her take advantage of you.

[Turbine]

So I spent the weekend making trips to my sister's place. Two trips 50 miles one way. So lots of thinking time.

My sister had some pans that were our Grandmother's and wanted me to drop them off at our Aunt's.

So that was my task for today. As I was leaving my L called saying the settlement offer was on her desk.

Settlement... my heart must regenerate because it was ripped out again.

So taking a little time to sit down with my L. Time for counter offer. I love her but in no way am I going to roll over on this. She wanted this. Probably longer than I realize. I was looking for a picture of the safe combinations and saw pictures of us. Both smiling just a few months before the BD. Had I not been so stupid would I even be in this position now? Pointless speculation.

She has been not sorting her stuff nor removing it. Makes me wonder what is going on. So do I try to behead this thing with my counter offer? Try to make it as painful as possible for her? Right now my mind is that this bridge gets burned and there is no rebuilding it. Maybe there is nothing to salvage now. I don't know.

Is she testing me?

Seems like the six sessions I got with my coach was a poor choice.

Terminally stupid has less appeal than before but so hard to not get that stupid sometimes. Kids and grandkids, family, friends. I know God is there. Members of the church? Not feeling much support from the leadership. Another test? Maybe.

So yeah, lots of doubts and angst right now.

Not going to do anything to her stuff or her. Its petty and does nothing to improve my mood.

Talking to a friend and he suggested that I hang in there. I asked if that was a suggestion. Poor word choice was the answer. So yes my sense of humor is there. Falling apart didn't last as long this time. Return to the sadness and confusion. Gym after church tomorrow I guess.

Looking forward to y'all thoughts.

[ovrrnbw]

Turbine,

you smiling right before BD does not make you stupid. You should read some other situations here, one guy's W had an affair for 4 years before she BD'ed him. We've all been the buddy.

Don't try to make things painful for her, unless you just want to show her how much power she has over you. Look to your morals and figure out the right thing to do. Why do the six sessions seem like a poor choice? Because you don't think you're close to getting her back? I think I know why you are feeling low right now, and I understand why you are upset. But remember, some things are out of your hands, make the best out of the things you can change.

What kind of support are you hoping to feel from your church leaders?

[Turbine]

Turbine,

you smiling right before BD does not make you stupid. You should read some other situations here, one guy's W had an affair for 4 years before she BD'ed him. We've all been the buddy.

Don't try to make things painful for her, unless you just want to show her how much power she has over you. Look to your morals and figure out the right thing to do. Why do the six sessions seem like a poor choice? Because you don't think you're close to getting her back? I think I know why you are feeling low right now, and I understand why you are upset. But remember, some things are out of your hands, make the best out of the things you can change.

What kind of support are you hoping to feel from your church leaders?

What support from the church leaders. Well I was talking a lot with one of the senior ministers in the church district. Then he was transferred to a new assignment. So there isn't much reassurance spiritually.

My faith isn't as strong as I'd like and he was clearing up questions I was having.

Help?