Don, our heart to heart turned into me losing it and telling him how I couldn’t stand the negativity and that I didn’t want to invite him places with me and I’m disconnected from him cause he’s so critical and that he doesn’t listen just thinks his ways are the best etc. He said he doesn’t know what to say and that it was never his intent to undermine me. That he holds me in high regards and knows I’m a good mother and that he feels like he could help based on what he went through. He said he has frequently heard it’s not what he says but how he says it. He said he is not the type to sugar coat his opinion and is always honest. He said he feels like I took 7 months of stuff and just threw it at him. (Not true, I have brought it up in calm discussions - he just didn’t get how upset it was making me)
I don’t like the disagreeing with me. It makes me do the opposite even more and I don’t know why. One time he told me something he ended up being 100 percent right about and I did opposite just cause I was feeling this sense of adversity with him from other things. When friends or family make suggestions or posters make suggestions I never get ruffled. With him I do and I don’t know why. maybe the tone? There’s a cockiness in the way it’s delivered maybe? Sometimes he takes a strong stance on something that does have 2 sides to it (for example medicating a kid with adhd) and doesn’t address the 2 sides. Only his side. For me, I am looking at both sides cause it’s my kid and because I’m general things are never black and white.
Now that you mention it, I do notice that you sometimes bring out that defensiveness in some posters. I can’t pinpoint why, but it’s similar and it might make some people want to prove you wrong. you do not tell people what they want to hear, only what you think which is honorable and relieving in someways but might feel like a lot of cynicism for someone as well.
With bf it was feeling like too much of the pointing out bad with no good things going along with it and it’s exhausting.
It's well-known that if you're delivering constructive feedback/criticism (call it what you will), that you should sandwich it between two pieces of positive feedback. Some people might say that is 'sugar coating', and taken to extremes it most certainly is. Done properly though, it's a great way for avoiding the criticism that your BF says he constantly hears - i.e. it's not what he says, but how he says it.
People who believe not sugar-coating their criticism means they're 'honest' are kidding themselves. They need only see how defensive they get when the same treatment is dished back out to them. Your BF did it right in front of you - when you finally said things honestly, he missed the message because he was busy dealing with the feeling that he'd just has 7 months of stuff being 'thrown' at him. You didn't sugar coat, and look what happened to him!
I have to be a 100% honest. your BF carries so many traits of my exH it makes me cringe and I want to smack him. And your doubting yourself and it's like the gaslighting I used to experience. So I am not so biased on what you should or shouldn't do in this sitch and I probably shouldn't comment because I have a desire to save you before you get too deep or it seeps on over to your son when it does.
That being said, if I just look at you in this sitch, there honestly hasn't been one positive thing you have said about him or how you feel around him. You seem miserable with him. You STILL have no answered the big question everyone keeps asking about what you love about him, why you are with him, whats good about the R...….
Having someone to have someone is not something I know you need. That isn't you. So why? Why are you continuing? What benefit are you and your son getting? Because all I read are the negatives.
There are things I love about him, or this would not be hard... He puts family and loved ones first, over his job. That means a lot because it was the opposite of my ex husband. Like I know if I had any type of medical issue he would put it first. (My ex did not come to any of the md appts or US of my last pregnancy. When I had to induce an abortion cause the fetus heart beat stopped, he went to work the day I did it and when I called him terrified that the dr made a mistake he got annoyed with me for bothering him at work) I know bf would never be like that.
BF cares about things and has passions for things. He takes care of all the animals his child wanted and was the midwife for his dog. My ex would never want to be bothered with that. It would be extra work for him. He will go places with me, take classes with me, brain storm ideas with me. He is attentive. He is on time for things and very responsible. He is not a guy that is aching to go out and party with his friends. (My ex). He actually likes being home with his partner or kid. He is pretty independent and will act on his own instead of follow his peers. He’s more the type to criticize his peers if he disagrees not follow them (My ex had a few close friends who got divorced and then he followed in suit). We do laugh and converse well (but i can pretty much hold conversations with most people)
A big one for me is that he wants and values a relationship and partnership. I trust that he’s not a cheater. He is not like a lot of the guys on here and probably out there in dating world that are just looking for a person to bring to weddings and have over on the weekend. I recognize that.
The nagging and negativity is the thing I can’t take. My mom is like that as well - she constantly notices and b!tches about everything and everyone, as if she knows it all and it invokes strong reactions in me. it annoys me, makes me want to argue and makes me not trust her opinions even if some of them are right. My mom has recently changed a bit as she saw how well the positive reinforcement has worked on my son.
Some of us had pretty lousy spouses and yet we were still dumped by them (vs us being the one to choose to end the bad relationship). It makes perfect sense to want to be with someone who is the opposite of our ex’s. But just because they are the opposite of what we had before, doesn’t mean they are the perfect partner.
And in no way shape or form am I placing judgement or opinion on your situation at all. Your rationale and justifications for being with him are good. I am projecting here as I’ve thought a lot about what I want in a long term partner. I often waffle between knowing what’s on my list of non negotiables and engaging with someone just because he has qualities that demonstrate he’s not the same as my ex. (And I have to temember, at one point I loved certain traits about my ex). So.... maybe he’s different and “better” and the relationship is more fulfilling and reciprocal than what you had before, but is it what you want?
Just food for thought.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Pax - the thing is, I know there’s no such thing as the perfect partner. I’m not looking for that either. But the negativity for me without the positivity for me made me detached and ready to end it all. He indicated doing things to change. But this isn’t the first time we had this type of fight. I’m just really sad, cause there are things I like about him that I am thinking of now.
I think about my dad. He is a loyal husband, likes to go places, responsible, frugal, put my mother first. . But also yelled a lot about stupid things and was not outgoing or fun. Pretty negative as well. Yet he made a good partner amd family man. He once complained about my moms cooking and she threw his literal plate in the garbage and then he never complained again. Always was careful about what he said to her. At point being, that I know people have positives and negatives. But too many negatives are no good. Poor treatment of another is no good either. They also grew into their relationship from when they were young. They raised a family together.
Dating when your young and you already have kids is different. You have to think about what you are introducing your kids to. Your separate in finances, not sharing things as a family as you have to think about each of your own children. There’s a different dynamic to start with. Your not building a life with someone like my parents did, your sharing a life with someone and that feels different.
I think what Don said is something you can work on regardless of how this R goes. Holding things in and letting then fester will be the long term death of any R. It resentment is just too much after so long.
Originally Posted by JujuB
The nagging and negativity is the thing I can’t take. My mom is like that as well - she constantly notices and b!tches about everything and everyone, as if she knows it all and it invokes strong reactions in me. it annoys me, makes me want to argue and makes me not trust her opinions even if some of them are right. My mom has recently changed a bit as she saw how well the positive reinforcement has worked on my son.
^^you said the negativity isnt something you can take, yet I think you keep waiting for him to change. I think you seen your mother change some and believe either he will or you can make him change, nope... It just wont happen. I cant remember the specific numbers but there was this study that looked at long term relationships hat said maybe 90%of problems in a relationship are unresolvable. Also, the things people argued about in the beginning of a relationship are usually the same things toward the end, even if its 50 years later. What matters to those who make it longterm are how they communicate through that conflict, but not that the conflict is resolved. I see two options in your circumstance, you either accept the arrogant and negative person he is (which isnt necessarily wrong, its just different. Its who he is) or you part ways. If you want something to change with the dynamics it will be you that has to change, expecting him to change so it works out is a fantasy that will leave you disappointed. Only he can change himself, only you can change you.
I know you see all these good qualities in him and many are ideal after what you experienced with ex. I get that and I'm sure it's a difficult situation to handle, I hope you can figure a solution soon to relive this internal pressure one way or another.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
First off, it is good hearing from you Fogg and I’m looking forward to a catch up with you outside of all this again.
This has been difficult. I do not want to string him along, I am just not feeling certain. I worry that in 6 months things will get bad again and then I will say, ugh I should have ended thing 6 months ago when I already went through the drama. but at the same time, I do recognize some really outstanding morals in him. He’s a known evil. It’s arrogance and a lack of a filter. There will be others that are perhaps charming, but frequenting hookers, or abusing kids, or bipolar or still hooking up with their ex or god knows what. I don’t think I am that easy of a person to deal with either. I’m still really traumatized over ex.
If I do end things, I have absolutely no desire to date for a while. I’m not happy with a lot of things right now and I need to get myself back. I don’t feel motivated or attractive or hopeful. I’m on a bad routine. Not exercising or eating like I normally do and I need to make changes ASAP.
I have money saved. In another part of the country I would be able to afford a house. It’s really frustrating that I’m stuck here. The really small starter house in my neighborhood from the 1960s tthat needs tons of work and updates in my school district is just under 500 and the taxes are 15 grand a year and I see that and I just want to cry cause I see no way out. The home prices keep going up as do the taxes. I need a partner... just like the old days but can’t trust a partner or rely on one.
J....is this the first time you have had this type of conversation with him? I think it is if I remember right. If so....can you give it some time see if he can rectify? I say that because I wish my Xw was as direct with me when she started to feel a certain way about our marriage.
