Thanks everyone for your support and words of wisdom. As per usual...it is very helpful. I have not done the OLD thing since I met my H in 2005 and things have changed a lot since then. I felt like my mom trying to figure everything out. The wide variety of people messaging me was kinda bizarre and a bit intimidating TBH. Of course, many people look really good on their profile and I'm sure a good percentage of those are not exactly honest about who they are. It is so hard to tell from what someone writes, don't ya think? Anyway...if anyone has any insider tips, I would appreciate hearing them. I was messaging my SD19 last night about it and she thought it was HIGHLY amusing. She is coming to visit me this weekend and says she will "help you [me] out". Great...dating advice from my 19 year-old. This HAS to be a set up for a disaster...lol.
Anyway...even though I am approaching this in the most casual of ways, I have to admit that it was really, really nice not thinking about my H when I was bumbling my way through everything. The last time I ventured down this road, I was acutely aware of my biological clock ticking away so even though I wasn't "desperate", I was definitely more serious about it. This time...well...just want to get out and leave myself open to whatever the universe has in store. I will consider it a success if I make a few new friends.
Deja - I've been so buried in my own sitch, I haven't ventured far from my own thread. Just catching up a bit.
I can see how enticing it is to "get out there". A few weekends ago, I went to dinner with a man my friend and I met at happy hour. He was in town on business. I was very clear I wasn't anywhere near ready to date, and even though I was separated I was still married. He invited me to meet him for dinner anyway. We had a wonderful time, and talked straight through over 2 hours. He did ask a bit about my sitch, but I made it brief. Anyway, I have two points on this.
1. It felt terrific to be validated by a man, that he seemed to really enjoy my company. 2. Even after being very clear of my sitch, and not ready to date, he still met me for dinner, and we had a great time. He accepted my boundaries, and I felt glad I was clear in the beginning. (I still felt a little guilty going out, though, to be honest).
So, be clear what you want, stick to it, and the worthwhile people will come. It might take a while, because I think truly wonderful, HEALTHY, people are difficult to find (particularly at my age - in their 50s). But, as I found out a few weeks ago, they are there somewhere.
Great to hear that you are putting yourself out there! Don't worry about not responding right away. I spent about a month just dipping my toes in the water, creating a profile, looking through profiles, and not responding to anyone who messaged me. I needed that time to get comfortable with the idea of dating again. You have no obligation to respond to anyone, so don't feel bad about that.
In terms of tips, I can only help from my perspective as a guy. I don't get inundated with responses like many of the gals do. I would just approach everything from a perspective of zero expectations. I have probably been on dates with two dozen women in the last four months and only two of them weren't great experiences. Even with the women who I had no romantic connection there was still generally an interesting conversation in which I learned something new. I approach each date like that and I think it has served me well. It sounds like you are in the right frame of mind.
Like everyone else says, don't waste your time chatting/texting for too long. If it isn't progressing to a meet-up in real life after a week or two, just let it go. It is hard to get to know a person from what they write. I really hit it off with one woman in our chats, and due to circumstances we couldn't meet up for nearly a month (we were planning it well ahead of that), when we finally met up it was clear within minutes that there was no chemistry. There are signs you can look for, common interests, well-written profiles, attractive and plentiful photos, but ultimately you always learn more in 5 minutes of face to face time than you can in weeks of online chatter.
In terms of disclosing my situation, I always make that call on the first date. If I feel like it is someone I want to see again, I make sure to let them know that I am separated and on the verge of being divorced. I don't do that online, and I don't do it if I know that there won't be more dates. I want to be upfront and honest in a possible relationship but I also don't feel the need to disclose personal information with just anyone.
Most of all, enjoy the process! You are forging a new path in your life and that should be exciting and even a little scary. Embrace that!
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Thanks All! I have suspended my profile on most of the sites... it was just a bit too much. Staying on Bumble and Tinder. Tinder because it seems to have more people on it and I’ve also be chatting with one guy who I think has potential when I decide to go down the road of actually dating. He’s a bit older than me, looks a lot younger than he is (like me), seems very nice and is a professor at a US university that is the closest to where i live. Basically a ferry ride and a 45 minute drive from there. I am actually planning to go to his community in a couple of months with my sister as we usually go there a few times a year. So...if we are still talking by then, it will be easy to meet up for a coffee with no pressure as i had already planned to go with my sister anyway. I am amazed how many people are on these sites. It’s kind of crazy. I had a 79 year old guy message me...lol. Hmmm...guess I could have introduced him to my MIL if she weren’t “done” with men...lol. Have to give him kudos for trying though.
Can I ask the guys out there a question?? What is with the full-bearded look these days? Honestly...the Grizzly Adams look is just not good, IMO. I sure hope this is a fad and men will start shaving again. Anyway...maybe it is just me and there are lots of women out there who love that look. No fun to kiss though, whether you like the look or not.
Got my separation agreement emailed to me yesterday. One more round of negotiations and it should pretty much be a done deal. Went through it with my sister as I didn’t want to read it alone. Still cannnot believe we got to this point without any attempts to save the marriage but it is what it is and he is who he is. Always searching for happiness and validation outside of himself. I think it would get tiring reinventing yourself every 10-15 years but that is just how he rolls. Sad.... for him and for our family.
"Suspended my profile on most of the sites ..." how many sites are you on ?!?!?
Seriously, do what feels right. Do it honestly and you will come out the other side with a clear conscience. There is an interesting discussion on dating post D which Steve started but, when all is said and done, only you know what is right for you. Your moral compass is sound and you will do the right thing.
I can't give much advice on dating sites. My only experience is when I put up the fake profile of a tree - which, strangely got a lot of responses - but I will say that there are nice people out there. I have a lot of male friends who I go out with, mainly lunches and drinks (as these are less like dates) and we have fun. Conversation generally flows and there is a lot of laughter. They know my sitch, know that I still hold out hopes for my marriage, and are respectful of that. They do think I am an idiot though.
I now see myself occasionally looking at someone and thinking "he's not bad" and "maybe in another life". Maybe there is hope for me yet
Sorry to hear re the separation agreement. It still breaks my heart that anyone can walk away without at least trying to save a marriage. But it is what it is and they are what they are. Pride, guilt and shame. Easier to reinvent then face the consequences of your actions.
Not sure about the Grizzly Adams look - maybe it's American thing? Most of the men I meet are overly well groomed. I do work in London though.
Can I ask the guys out there a question?? What is with the full-bearded look these days? Honestly...the Grizzly Adams look is just not good, IMO. I sure hope this is a fad and men will start shaving again. Anyway...maybe it is just me and there are lots of women out there who love that look. No fun to kiss though, whether you like the look or not.
I’m sorry to hear about the separation agreement (((HUGS))).
With respect to the full-bearded look? Even I don’t understand it as a guy.
I tend to be pretty clean-shaven—today I didn’t have time to shave in the AM because I overslept, so I have a bit of stubble. That’s the most I would do—I think a day’s worth of stubble is a good look on me, but anything further past that gets to be much too much for me.
W has commented in the past about my trying out facial hair—she would want me to try it out, thinking that I could look good like that. It doesn’t really work for me, and I really don’t like it—I would think it would get itchy, hot, you run the risk of stuff accumulating in the beard, have to trim it to make it look ‘nice’....it doesn’t seem worth the effort for someone like me. Plus, I have a rather young-looking face as it is, so it doesn’t totally look right. I’d rather fully embrace the babyface, I guess. A co-worker yesterday said I look really young—I asked him how old do you think I am? He said 28–I’m 35, to be 36 in about 2 months.
I also guess for me the issue is with those who do the beard as some sort of reflection on manhood—I’m not saying everyone who does this believes this, but I’ve seen it mentioned elsewhere. Having a beard doesn’t make you more manly, necessarily.
LOL...FS...I was trying to decide which ones were better for someone in my age group but you can’t peruse most of them without signing up so I had signed up for four or five so now I am down to two. Tinder seems to be the most casual where people are looking to chat or find new friends. A few married guys on there looking for a “female friend” and some that say they are in an “open relationship” or “polyamerous”. So my question is... why be married then? They are clearly missing the point. Anyway...there are a few interesting people amongst the bevy of mountain men...some of whom will die virgins...lol. The pictures people post are bizarre, to say the least. But they do say there is someone for everyone, right? Oh...and there is always hope for you FS!!!
Bo - I was texting with my XH (first one) and he said the same thing. He is a musician and said he was playing a gig the other night with a lot of people in their 20s and 30s. He said all of the women were dressed to the nines and the guys were scruffy and wearing hoodies. He could not believe it. IDK...different strokes for different folks, I suppose, but I, for one, always prefer the clean shaven look. My H sometimes is clean shaven and sometimes has a bit of facial hair. I think he looks best clean shaven even though he can pull both off... he’s also got a bit of a baby face. And BTW... 35 is YOUNG!!!
DV, your comment about the beard trend had me laughing and I don't know why. I live amongst the hipsters and many many many breweries... to see a man under 50 without a beard is a rarity!
It's a requirement to go with the flannel shirts and toques. Certainly can't play banjo without a beard. A charming look, in my mind - though I certainly don't have your same "scratchy kisses" worry!
He’s a bit older than me, looks a lot younger than he is (like me), seems very nice and is a professor at a US university that is the closest to where i live.
Are you basing that on pics from his dating site profile? Back when I was actively dating I heard so many stories about guys using very old photos or outright fake photos and looking completely different in person. I can't imagine anyone thinking that's a good idea (do you really want to start a new relationship out with lies and deception?) but nevertheless it's very common.
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Can I ask the guys out there a question?? What is with the full-bearded look these days? Honestly...the Grizzly Adams look is just not good, IMO.
Haha! It's just the popular style right now. I've only grown a beard once in my life and it was for a Halloween costume (I was Hook and my GF was Emma). It drove me crazy, even though it was a closely trimmed beard I just didn't like having something on my face all the time like that, LOL! And truth by told, a lot of the guys I know that grow them flat-out do it because they think they are ugly and they're trying to hide it.
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Got my separation agreement emailed to me yesterday. One more round of negotiations and it should pretty much be a done deal. Went through it with my sister as I didn’t want to read it alone. Still cannnot believe we got to this point without any attempts to save the marriage but it is what it is and he is who he is.
There is very little about what we all went through or are going through that isn't baffling. Look at how many years it's been for me and I still scratch my head over why it all went down. You will be able to look back at it without feeling hurt, angry, sad and such. It takes a while but you do eventually find peace with it. You'll still look back and think "WTF" though, I don't think that ever goes away!
