Making sense of nightmares

[Dawn70]

Let me start by saying I think it is good that you are questioning whether you are being hyper-sensitive since you are already "looking for something" as you put it. I don't really think you are being hyper-sensitive in the case that you laid out, though. Just based on some of the things you have posted about your BF, he seems to be a bit of a negative nelly. I don't know if this is his natural setting in general or if it is just in his interaction with you, but being with someone like that is just thoroughly exhausting. I think that everyone has an off or down time on occasion, but to be that way all the time can be draining for those around the negative person.

I'm not sure what state laws are in your state (or even where you are, for that matter), but here, IEPs ARE a given for students with different learning needs. Now, that is NOT to say that you haven't worked hard for your son and have really done your best in being present and making good decisions for him that are having a positive impact on him, as reported by his teachers. That is AWESOME! But, having been in the public school system and teaching a vocational class that got a lot of mainstreamed students, I know first-hand that everyone of them is supposed to have an IEP. Of course, how effective that IEP is relies solely on parental involvement and follow-through, so again, I'm not saying you haven't worked hard because from what I'm reading, you are one of the parents who is doing it right and I commend you for that. It is a lot of work on the part of the teacher, the parent and the student and all of that has to happen in concert with each other. I say all that to say that maybe your BF doesn't understand all that and that is why he kind of blew off your major efforts to help your son succeed. I know it is a struggle for you and your son and I know you work hard to help him to do and be the best he can. I just wonder if maybe BF doesn't really see all the effort because he is not as present as maybe he should be. I don't know what your arrangement with him is regarding how he interacts with your son, but in order to have a good, strong, positive relationship with you, he does need to understand the extra needs that your son has and the extra effort that it requires on your part to insure his best education.

I do agree with your first statements in general...that people need to connect with but not correct the children. In a serious relationship, you need to know that not only are you safe, but your child(ren) are as well and that does require a connection to be formed between your partner and your child. You want to trust your partner with keeping your child safe, but you don't want your partner taking on the main role of correcting your child. I do think it is ok for a partner to ask questions (NOT in front of the child) about the way things were handled, not to say someone is doing something wrong, but to try to better understand how the parent is handling things. To me, that is all part of open communication that strengthens the relationship. I don't know if that makes sense or not, but I guess what it boils down to is that BF should be engaged with and connected to son if y'all are at that point in your R and he should definitely understand the needs and requirements your son has in order to achieve success in the classroom. If he's not willing to understand all that or continues to be negative and undermine you, maybe it IS time to cut him loose.

[kml]

Oh honey - you're not being overly sensitive.
He's trying to diminish the hard work you have done as a parent to get your son to where he is now.

He's focusing on a VERY MINOR, extremely unimportant issue (for cripes sake, if the kid is cold let him wear his hoodie! Nobody in this country gives a flying f--- anymore if a little kid wears a hoodie in a casual restaurant - if BFs rules are that rigid things will only get worse as your son gets older.

BF refused to even consider your point that HE IS NOT THE PARENT and it is not his job to correct your child. I love that phrase - "connect not correct".

Your instincts are correct. It's not just that he was annoyed by something your child did, or had a different opinion than you about headwear in a restaurant. It's that he thinks his way is the right way and you and your son need to follow it, that he was unwilling to even discuss a different way of being with your child, and that he responded by belittling the hard work you have done on behalf of your child.

Dump him. Really. This is not you being overly sensitive.

I'm dealing a bit with this with CMM. Even though my sons are grown, two of them still live with me and both have some mental health issues (one has Asperger's, one is recovering from a heroin addiction and has severe anxiety and an eating disorder). CMM is a little rigid and also an OCD clean freak so when he comes over to cook dinner for me there is sometimes tension about what he thinks my boys should or should not be doing in the kitchen. Frankly, I'm so concerned about my youngest son and his eating disorder that I could care less if he leaves a whole sink full of dirty dishes, I'd just be happy he cooked and ate something! (Btw, my son is not that messy anyway.)

I've had to just come out and tell CMM that if he has any issue with my sons, he's to speak to me, not them, about it. That's doable since they're all adults but probably not workable with a young child and a potential live-in BF.

If you want to just keep dating him and leave your son out of your dates, then fine. But if you were hoping to progress to a live-in or marriage relationship - nope, not this guy.

[JujuB]

Thanks guys.

Just as a side note. Getting the IEP was really hard for me because academically my son does really well. He has trouble socially and behaviorally and with fine motor. Our districts do not really want to pay for the extra services. I had taken my son to tons of doctors and paid out of pocket for evaluations from specialists to get these services. I had to debate the OT at the last meeting to keep him on program. (The teachers have been incredible though and one of them had actually given me the heads up that the OT wanted to discharge)

Ugh. I’m rereading your messages. This has been ongoing

[kml]

Good job on advocating for your son to get the help he needs. My friend's son has Asperger's and because he's high functioning she also had to fight to get him the IEP he needed. I know how difficult it can be. And for the BF to belittle that as if it was nothing or unnecessary is downright disrespectful.

[JujuB]

Thank you KML. My son did have 2 doctors diagnose him with high functioning aspergers then another specialist diagnosed him with adhd and did not think he was on the spectrum. We ended up just addressing the symptoms and this year has been great for him. As he got older a lot of the sensory stuff seems to have calmed down. He has problems socializing but does not really recognize it or care because he can logically rationalize things. he is genuinely IQ score gifted so they label him twice gifted. He’s a great kid, really funny and compassionate. When one of the kids got hurt, he was the only child that went up to him and asked him if he was ok. And that’s the stuff I focus on and make a big deal of.

[TBSakaJ9]

I may be the BS but I would never tell my girlfriend how to parent or say anything to her unless she asked for my opinion

[Ginger1]

Juju,

I am sorry, but this guy has got to go. He belittles you as a mother and tries to parent your son to his standards? Is this the guy you want to blend families with and marry?
Like I have been saying over and over, believing in long term commitment is not enough to stay with someone.

YOu can do so much better. ANd alone would be better than dealing with that.

[DonH]

I thought I'd chime in with a guys opinion here. I'm also someone who in the past wondered, out loud here, if you might not be a little too critical and thin-skinned about some of the things you've mentioned. My point in saying this is I was never quick to jump on the dump him band wagon. That said, what you provided above is concerning. Does he have children of his own? Something in my memory tells me that he does not.

I first of all agree with the others and you that the whole hoodie thing is just not a battle that needs to be waged - for sure not by him. It just is not that big of a deal, but the thing is, I don't think it's about the hoodie. I think i may have said this about your BF before. I think there is something else or other multiple things that are really bothering him. That does not in any way excuse this. In fact it may make it worse, depending on what it really is. I really think there is much more going on here, I think he senses you are not happy with him - and I think he's not happy with you or at least with the R. I think the whole hoodie or luggage or whatever else it has been is about these deeper issues. It may be more in the camp of he feels you are very critical of him but son can do anything he wants, even where a hoodie at dinner, and nothing is ever said. Again, I'm not condoning it - just trying to give possible perspective. His response is still the wrong one - but do you see how if I'm correct, it's not about the hoode?

I think it's beyond admirable that you are giving the benefit of the doubt here and questioning if these are really big deal items or you are making them into big deal items. I tend to think they are big deal items.

I think I've asked you this and suggested this before but I'm going to try again. Why are you staying with him? Have you sat down and listed all of the positives and negatives? I really think you should. But beyond everything, I really think you and BF need to have a huge heart to heart about all of this. If you really do want to stick with him or "give him a chance" or whatever you want to call it, it's imperative that you sit down with him and tell him how you are feeling. Otherwise this is heading towards a BD that he will never see coming. And that's not fair either. He may be a great guy that needs to hear some of these things. Take it from a guy who blurts things out (more than I should) but rarely if ever tries to be mean about it - an attitude adjustment is sometimes needed. You teach people how to treat you JuJu and I fear you've taught him it's okay to say things like "they hand out IEP like candy." The reason should not be you getting up and walking off in a huff or giving him the silent treatment for a day or two - but should be met with looking him directly in the eyes and saying something like "that was very mean. Did you really mean that? Do you have any idea how much time, work, money and effort I've had to put in? Why would you say something so mean to me?" He needs to hear something like that from you. Otherwise I'm guessing he has zero clue and part of me thinks if he loves you as you think he does, he would not have said it if he knew how much it hurt you.

This is all a learning experience JuJu. I think you went in with this guy quickly because he was so different and checked the boxes you focused on. Unfortunately you've now come to see there are way more boxes that should have been considered. But that's okay. That's what dating is about. If you think you just need to stop here you can. If you want to give him a chance to step up, it's extremely important you start having some serious discussions with him. Whatever you do, please don't keep going on the path you are. Something needs to change here. Don't allow this to continue and by all means don't let it progress to a live in or married situation.

[JujuB]

Hey don, he does have a child that he raised by himself cause the mother left. That’s something I really liked about him and that hoodie incident happened a really long time ago and I made it clear he could wear his hood and it was never a huge argument or fight, I was just using it as an example to demonstrate that my values are more lax and his more old school. I did bring all this up to him and you are right. He was surprised. He had no idea how upset I was. He told me he thought he had improved and this has been an ongoing issue for him not just with me. He said he wants to help and feels like he is giving warning to prevent a train wreck and I said that was an arrogant way of thinking, as I myself put lots of thought into all of my decisions. He said he did not mean to undermine my accomplishments. He feels like he has to just be quiet and keep things to himself around me and I told him we will both be walking on egg shells.

Regarding me, I get thrown off and don’t know how to communicate in the moment. I have to think it over, evaluate if my feelings are legit before confronting. It’s part of a people pleaser nature I think. I will overlook things but then when they start adding up I will lose it.

Am I thin skinned? Not with friends or at work, but yeah with him I am. I have been told by someone else that I nitpicked a few things that became big in my eyes. I think my guard is up now and it’s just gonna be tough to go forward.

I do not think he is a bad guy. But he is arrogant and too blunt about negative things and not expressive of the positive things and that has been corrosive

[DonH]

This latest information really helps at least for me to get a clearer picture - which is still so hard simply over text and from only one person's view. I still maintain above all else the two of you really need to start communicating - and for sure JuJu you need to find it within yourself to communicate - not only with this current guy but if you should decide to not continue with him, I'm fearful the same things will happen with other guys down the road.

Right/Wrong - Good/Bad I get the feeling your BF and myself may be somewhat alike. We share and say what we are thinking. I can't speak for your BF but can totally speak for myself - it's rarely meant to tear someone down or hurt them, it's meant to help them improve. I totally believe he just wanted to help. I don't think he's being ego driven or that his way is the right way. If he has raised a child on his own and did a good job - he might even be right. He is clearly right - for him. He may just not be right when it comes to you and your son.

Regarding me, I get thrown off and don’t know how to communicate in the moment. I have to think it over, evaluate if my feelings are legit before confronting.

I can totally see that and it's okay. But what is not okay is if you never gather your thoughts and feelings and reopen the discussion - which I fear is what happens. Then even worse, you stew on what he said - so much so that the example you gave us, I thought for sure was recent, but it turns out to be old - yet it's STILL really bothering you. He moved on from it minutes after it happened - I'll guarantee you this. Yet for you, it's still eating at you. That's not fair to you or to him. And it's also something that, sure you can replace him, but you'll do the same thing with the next guy. You really have to try to work on this. If you can't do it in the moment, do it the next day after you've had time to think about it. If you don't this wedge will keep building.

He cares about you and wants to help. He thinks he is - even though he is clearly hurting you when he tries. Yet he says that he feels like the only other option is to not say anything. Is that true? Is that really his only option? Is there any way he could say something like this and it be okay with you? Because, while I guess I would not care at all about the hoodie thing, I'm sure there are many things I could point out that I'd disagree with your parenting. And that's okay. It's okay to disagree - right? He doesn't have to agree with you - but he does have to support you in your decision. Something tells me, however, that would not be enough for you - you don't even want him to disagree. Am I right about that?

I do not think he is a bad guy. But he is arrogant and too blunt about negative things and not expressive of the positive things and that has been corrosive

I very strongly believe you need to say this to him. Again, if he and I are alike (and honestly the above statement could well be said about me) I'd feel terrible if I was told this and would want to do anything I could to change it. I'd likely even say "why haven't you told me this before." And I'll bet you'll say that you've tried to - and you may have. I just don't think it's been communicated clearly - or perhaps you are afraid to. The people pleasing, conflict avoiding part of you just doesn't want to go there. It's easier to just dump him and find someone else. And that may be the ultimate best answer for you. Something just tells me if you addressed this part, you'd have stronger feelings for him again.

I guess the best advice I can give you is, if it were me (and again he and I seem somewhat similar) I'd very much value a heart to heart discussion from you about it - rather than simply saying "this is not working, we need to break up."