GAL proceeds swimmingly, but emotional detachment lags. I am busier than ever with multiple projects. I just returned from overseas, and am going back to start a project I hope will change people’s lives in a meaningful way. The opportunity is bittersweet, as I believe the project would be compatible with everything W would want to do, and everything that drew both of us together.
I have started a new form of prayer/contemplation: to conjure W in my mind’s eye and to address her, saying, “I hope you find joy. I do not need you to find my own joy and happiness.” Over time, I hope the heart catches up with the mind.
But my daughter’s question, raised months ago, lingers: “Is this the new normal or an aberration?”
Daughter and mutual friends have begun encouraging me to walk away. Digging deep into my best, authentic self, I can honestly tell them: - I choose to remain committed for now because I continue to love W; - I hope I know W’s best, authentic self enough to think this is an aberration; - For now, choosing to love her this way is consistent with how I define who I am; - I trust myself enough to know I can afford to take this emotional risk.
My thoughts and prayers go out to anyone reading this who is similarly situated; we all know this is not easy.
Remember, most of the people close to you do not want to see you suffering. This is why it is usually best not to tell people close to you about your sitch. They will have one priority: to get you through your pain as fast as possible. They love you, and care about you and do not want to see you suffer. So their advice will be what they view is the quickest, easiest path to that eventuality. Almost all the time they will encourage you to walk away. So take that advice understanding that their number one goal is to help you stop hurting, and fast.
You are correct, this is not easy. But nothing worthwhile ever is. If you do all of this hard work and end up healthy and happy, it will be worth it all. If it has the side-effect of saving your marriage, even better.
Thanks for the update, paco. I wondered how you were doing.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Apropos of my statement above: "- I trust myself enough to know I can afford to take this emotional risk", part of that trust is my ability to discern what is and what is not helpful for me.
I would still be on the floor in a fetal position if not for the loving support of friends. They are wonderful, especially mutual friends who love W and me, whom I trust not to take sides, and who want the best for both of us. They are gold.
I get different asks from different people. For example, members of W's family, including her mom, have asked me not to walk away. I told her truthfully, to the extent I can, I will not. But ultimately, that decision is not mine alone.
paco, this is more for others that may read your thread, since the toothpaste is already out of the tube for your sitch. But the other reason it is a bad idea to tell family and friends about your marital problems is that now that becomes another obstacle to the WAS coming back. If she has to fix things with you that is one thing. If she has to fix things with you plus rebuild relationship and trust with your parents, siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles, and friends, that might be too much for them and they'll view walking away as the easier option.
paco, most LBS do rely on support, and that is great. I am not telling people that have confided in friends and family they've done anything wrong. Every sitch is different. Just to consider it differently. I know in my sitch, if my friends and family found out what my LBS had been doing, she never would have wanted to face them again.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Got it. My own approach--whether in real life or on this board--is to try to respond to people in particularized ways. Personally, I find overly-generalized responses for complex situations (e.g. Spouse is probably having an affair; don't date until divorce; etc.) less than enlightening. But that's just me.
GAL proceeds swimmingly, but emotional detachment lags. I am busier than ever with multiple projects. I just returned from overseas, and am going back to start a project I hope will change people’s lives in a meaningful way. The opportunity is bittersweet, as I believe the project would be compatible with everything W would want to do, and everything that drew both of us together.
I have started a new form of prayer/contemplation: to conjure W in my mind’s eye and to address her, saying, “I hope you find joy. I do not need you to find my own joy and happiness.” Over time, I hope the heart catches up with the mind.
But my daughter’s question, raised months ago, lingers: “Is this the new normal or an aberration?”
Daughter and mutual friends have begun encouraging me to walk away. Digging deep into my best, authentic self, I can honestly tell them: - I choose to remain committed for now because I continue to love W; - I hope I know W’s best, authentic self enough to think this is an aberration; - For now, choosing to love her this way is consistent with how I define who I am; - I trust myself enough to know I can afford to take this emotional risk.
My thoughts and prayers go out to anyone reading this who is similarly situated; we all know this is not easy.
Both of my daughters did the same. D19 and D16 are still very hurt that WW did this to our family. Both of then told me a couple of months ago that I deserve better and that they want to see me happy.
I am doing just that.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
Full speed ahead with GAL: conferences, papers, a book, an overseas project. Been real busy.
Last week, saw W for the first time in a while. Caught her up on my various projects. She said she wanted to move forward with mediation. I told her my position in clear terms: I am against D, but I also will not stand in her way.
We hugged each other when we said good-bye and we each told the other, "I love you."
I have been seeing friends, including female friends. Am very transparent with them that I still love W.
Had a productive chat with my daughter, who is probably one of my best friends. She gave me useful perspective, making me realize even more that W needs to do this, which is essentially to find her own voice. My daughter's perspective also helped me understand W's resentment and anger, not so much because of anything I've done, but rather because of who I am. I've pretty much accomplished all I set out to do in my career.
While I am sure I might have been more empathetic and compassionate, I also recognize all I contributed: having members of her family live with us; cooking dinner every night; being an engaged father; doing my own laundry; full partner in other household chores; having a high-paying job with benefits and being the main bread winner. I think W would have experienced midlife individuation regardless.
Bottom line: emotional detachment is hard because I truly, deeply love W. Given all I have on my plate professionally, I am choosing to stand by, even as I open myself to other friendships. If anything, these friendships remind me of how special W is. This may change in time, but for right now, I remain committed. She is worth the wait.
You are lucky, make use of the time , hit the gym , get groomed to 10/10 , dress well keep up the socialising. Be the man only a fool would let go , you can do this
