They will always love us - it is the baggage that gets in the way. the resentment that led to the little lies, the lies that snowballed into (your case) a double life. That double life that had at the root of it a tiny lie, maybe a sense of freedom / escape he felt when he was away getting treatment so he went one day earlier than necessary or stayed one day longer. Snowballed. it doesnt matter though - he will never tell you just as i will never tell my ex. Guilt. I know there was love. I know there is love. There is just no marriage. You know this too.
At the risk of hijacking the thread for a second, I just want to say this struck me right between the eyes. The other night when I talked to H in the aftermath of me figuring out he was back with OW, he said he knew I loved him, but thought it was clear I didn't care whether he was around or not (both during the M and now). He also states he's too damaged, and beyond repair, and I'm better off without him. His baggage. It's a definite block for him AND our M. I realize it's his way of justifying his actions now and throughout the years, but your post reminded me that love isn't enough. Perhaps there's just way too much damage and water under the bridge for us to every repair. Perhaps he is too damaged for me. I need to realize that I can love and have concern, but he might not be available as a partner any longer. Something for me to think about.
Originally Posted by FlySolo
oh - You will never know how many lies he told, whether there is one or many OW - they do not matter. Understand the motivations not the details - it will help you forgive.
Wow! this is profound too. Thanks for the reminder. Most of my marriage was a lie, because H was unable to express deep emotional thoughts to me. He blames our marital dynamics, but I know it is much, much more, because I have many deep emotional connections to others, and he has none. It's hard to NOT focus on the "symptoms" (details), but the motivations are surely the key. Thanks for the reminder, FlySolo.
Great visit with my friend this weekend. It was good to have her around. The house seemed less empty. Yet another person who never really warmed to my H. She said she couldn’t put her finger on why. She thought he wasn’t very friendly and didn’t seem interested in her at all. Now he has only seen her a few times so it is more of an “impression” than an opinion based on lots of contact. I think the last couple times she saw him, he was already checking out of our marriage so maybe that is why he seemed standoffish. He didn’t always come across that way. I, too, have noticed his personality shift in the latter half of our marriage to where he wasn’t very friendly to others but I guess when you are living a lie, it starts to affect how you present yourself to people.
I saw him last night. We had a brief chat. He wants to talk later this week. Says it is important and he has to be in the right frame of mind. Wants to go through “everything” with me and he can’t do it in ten minutes. So...that will be interesting.
You got a lot going on. Looks like you are still GALing. How is the pool game?
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
Isn't reconnecting with friends or establishing new friendships one of the great silver linings of living through our sitchs? I have felt so much more connected and open to friends. So many people, both expected and unexpected, helped support me in my time of need.
In terms of the meeting with WH. Just remember, no expectations. Don't let any narrative take hold in you head beforehand. Just listen and validate when you can. You got this!
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
TF... The pool game is okay. My sitch affected it earlier in the year as my brain was only half there. But I am recovering and so is my game.
So yesterday was unexpected. My sister accidentally flooded my butler’s pantry and the water came out into the main kitchen. We mopped it up as best we could but it managed to seep into the subfloor so water started pouring out of the air exchange vent downstairs. Called my insurance company and they told me to call a restoration company. So I did and they were here last night until midnight trying to mitigate the damage. Now I have to listen to a dehumidifier running 24/7 on both floors of my house. And there is a big hole in my ceiling downstairs. Apparently I have to let the hardwood floors settle for a couple of months before they can be refinished. So lots of excitement. Definitely figured out that I am not sweating the small stuff these days. I didn’t even get upset. Just felt bad for my sister.
So...confession time... when my friend was over on the weekend, she convinced me to put up a profile on a couple of dating apps. I had 11 guys wanting to meet me within two hours. It completely freaked me out. Haven’t replied to any of them... you have to buy a membership to do that. I’m not sure why I did it because I said I wasn’t going to. I guess I got a bit tired of feeling sad about my H and was a bit curious to see who is out there. She said there is no harm in meeting someone for coffee and making a new friend but I know that most people are on there to find a partner or a one night stand. Not sure I’m good material for the first and definitely not for the latter. I have never been a hook-up kind of person. Anyway...haven’t decided what I am going to do yet. I am feeling a bit rude that I haven’t gotten back to anyone though.
Davide - Yes. I am definitely grateful for my friendships and I have spent more time with other women in the last six months than I have in the six years prior. It is a really great silver lining, no doubt. Thanks for the encouragement. I have no expectations.
Time to get back to work. Hope all is well out there in DB Land. (((HUGS)))
Re: the app - don't stress too much about it. I'm guessing you'll get a massive amount of varied input from this board if/when you do decide to actively us a "dating" app to meet people. (Yes - I think "dating" needs to be in quotes - because the apps really have a wide and varied use, depending on who you ask :))
I imagine the use of the app feels almost like a game - a window into the possibilities, but you're not willing to shop yet. That's okay. From my perspective it really is OKAY to not respond to these inquiries. You'll hear different perspectives on this too. Some people think that apps should follow the same social rules as if you meet someone IRL. I tend to feel differently - that the technology is used precisely because it ISN'T yet personal, so there is flexibility - and a safety wall to hide behind. I tend to lean more towards the belief that different technologies should be used for different encounters and have different social norms. I would never ignore someone who gave me a polite "hello" in real life. Online? Yeah. I would. Because then they are literally in your HAND - they are in your HOME essentially. You do tread more carefully, and most folks know that online it is okay to not be your full authentic self yet.
On a related note - I went to download "Babbel" (a language app) to my phone over the weekend and almost downloaded "Bumble" (a dating app where women need to make the first move). Whoops! I caught myself in time but had a good laugh at the mental slip-up.
I'm sorry I haven't been around much outside of posting in my sitch. I'm trying to catch up now.
I saw the stuff about you getting responses on a dating app. That's good that you are getting some folks reaching out to you. I do want to warn you that (based on what I hear) women on dating apps get BOMBARDED with winks/messages/other things. And you are correct that many are looking for a hook-up. I would make sure that you define what you want when you dip your toes back into the dating pool. Set boundaries and stick to them. Yes it's going to be difficult to enforce them and it's going to be just as difficult for the men to truly grasp your requirements and expectations. Just play it by ear and take it slow (which I still have no idea how to do).
Not sure I’m good material for the first and definitely not for the latter. I have never been a hook-up kind of person. Anyway...haven’t decided what I am going to do yet. I am feeling a bit rude that I haven’t gotten back to anyone though.
(((DV6)))
The blessing in all this is that YOU CONTROL your pace in all this. Glad to see that you’re not a hook-up person either; if nothing else that’s encouraging for me wayyyyyy down the road (if it gets that far), that there are at least some women also not totally interested in casual sex / hook-ups.
There’s nothing wrong with making friends—if that is what you truly want, and if you are clear in your intentions not only with yourself, but with others.
I do hope that whatever you pursue, whenever you do it, that you are careful, because you are worthy.
I can see what you are saying about feeling ‘rude’ that you haven’t reached back out to anyone—I get it, but it’s at your own pace.
I did online dating (how I met W), and it’s honestly a numbers game, on both sides—both sides make contact with the expectation that it only results in a few ‘hits’ back—a few messages, which narrow into fewer conversations, which then narrow into fewer relationships, and so on.
And besides, those who truly want you for you will wait. So if they’re really into you, they will message you back and continue with you when you are ready.
