Did she actually file yet? Did you respond? Once that happens there is a RO in place on the kids, travel, assets, etc. Despite what she said to you about being a flight risk, if she takes YS and bails isnt that basically kidnapping? Is it that big of deal for her to take YS to visit her family for the first time? If you really suspect she would bail with YS you have potentially bigger problems then her wanting to D. Always good to run things by your L if you are unsure. However, if or when this goes to D, you and W are still bound together by those 2 boys. If you are going for 50/50 custody you will have to work as coparents to raise them in a healthy environment. Despite any harsh feelings for your W (if don't already I am sure at some point you will) you need to put those emotions aside to lead the family and set the example for the boys and W.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
She has filed yet, yes. I am working with L on a response.
I am willing to co-parent with her, yes—that’s not a problem.
Right now, I just have sad feelings for W. I do wish things were different, and I want(ed) my boys to be raised in a household by both parents. That’s not going to happen.
Also, she reiterated once again that her worst fear is that I will take the boys from her. I told her I would never dream of doing such a thing.
What she explained to me is that for her, her mind races to the worst-case scenario, and when I’ve tried validating, that causes her mind to race and wander, and she immediately assumes the worst. That I’m hiding something from her. That I have some ‘smoking gun’ or that I’ve done something or have evidence that she’s done something, or that I’ll take the boys.
Projection.... she could be having an A or have done something or believes she has done something that could cause her to lose the kids. It could be irrational fear and a runaway mind.
From my experience and what I have read here some WW act like a wild animal with a foot in a trap. They will attack anything including themselves.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
It seems to me like an irrational fear / runaway mind. Like something’s broken inside of her (I know we’re all a bit broken, but this seems a bit much.)
She wanted me to call her on whatever she thinks I think I have on her (if that makes sense). I don’t really have anything—no firm proof of an affair.
Earlier in the convo she talked about how when she said that she was getting birth control / IUD, that I allegedly said that I will never have sex with her again because it’s sinful. “I said that?” “Yes, yes you did.” (Even though evidence proves otherwise—she got it in late-October, and the last sexytime was early November. I asked her a few times for sex, and she rejected me / brushed me off, and then I got the hint.). Or something I said about her not being submissive enough for me or something. Once again—“I said that?” I really have no memory of saying those things to her.
Some of this stuff that she claims that I said is just beyond belief. I know—believe nothing they say, especially WAS-speak.
I’ve been wondering about what she would do earlier this week.
I understand that with a WAS / WAW, reason and logic are often thrown out the window, but: I thought about how much sense it would make for her to move out because 1.) she will be going off to her training in September, so why rent a place and pay on it for 3 months when she won’t be there and 2.) there’s no guarantee that she will come back to SoCal, or even to a place near her current field office. She currently works out of Long Beach; there’s always a chance she could go to Westwood (near UCLA), or to somewhere else: Riverside, West Covina, Victorville, or even Ventura, or other places in SoCal. Why would she commit to a place if she doesn’t know where she will be come January?
I also wonder if she’s trying to get me to leave—that I’ll come to reality about our current living sitch and finances, and I’ll be the one to bail first. I doubt either of us can presently afford our current place by ourselves—and she barely outearns me to begin with. Maybe she wants me to make the financial decision and leave first—but I’m not leaving these boys so she can claim abandonment.
W told me my lack of sharing feelings with her is why she doesn't want to do marriage counseling
Why would she trust me to open up to a stranger if I can't share my feelings with her?
And then it came out that she is apparently resentful of the fact that I went to the RE Congress while she was sick and had so much to do last weekend.
YS caught the cold circulating around our condo—first W, then me, now YS. W stayed home with him yesterday, I was home today, she may be home tomorrow depending, I may be home Thursday depending.
Planning out the week to be at home to care for a sick child doesn’t exactly sound like plans to move out and take the boys.
Also, her dad is flying in later this month, and she said that “he will be staying with us.” Doesn’t sound like the mark of someone who will leave right away.
I’m getting more and more sick of the BS and threats from her.
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Had a really good day with YS today. He slept on me this morning for 2 hours, we were buds around the condo, and I took him around the corner to the grocery and Panera (to get a couple of things, but also to get us out and for me to keep my sanity).
I did have a moment with him this afternoon after we got back, when I got super-emotional and I did cry a bit. I love that little guy so much and I wanted him so badly (I wanted a 2nd child so much, though I didn’t expect it when we did). And I feel so so terrible that this is happening to him, and that if / when this goes through, I’ll see him for half-time. (I know the same can be said for OS, but YS is still only so young—he’s 6 months old, and I’ve at least had the last few years with OS).
That is why I’m so blessed to have days like today where I can be with him, or on Sunday afternoon where I carried him and he fell asleep in my arms for 90 minutes (best weight-training ever). I try to soak up every minute I can with him especially—like when I rocked him back to sleep last night. I’m tear-ing up just typing this now—sorry, this is hard, and I hate what this does to us (me and the boys), and what this will do to the boys, and what this is doing to me. This little boy is my joy right now, and I absolutely hate that he will be away from me.
I get that Adam, one of the hardest things about S and D is losing your W AND losing your kids for half the time. I wouldn't worry about them though, as long as both of you love and support them they will get through this just fine. Certainly it's not optimal but all you can do is make the best of whatever time you do have with them. I learned to cram 2 weeks worth of time in with them every other week. I changed my hours at work so that I was home when they got home from school at 4 instead of getting home at 7. I spent more time with them and did all my house chores on the weeks I didn't have them. 2 of the 3 are moved out now but looking back I am content that it all worked out just fine. And it will for you too because you are a great dad and an awesome man.
I wouldn't worry about them though, as long as both of you love and support them they will get through this just fine.
I hope so. I’ll do my best—just have to let W do her part, and what she does is not up to me.
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Certainly it's not optimal but all you can do is make the best of whatever time you do have with them. I learned to cram 2 weeks worth of time in with them every other week. I changed my hours at work so that I was home when they got home from school at 4 instead of getting home at 7. I spent more time with them and did all my house chores on the weeks I didn't have them. 2 of the 3 are moved out now but looking back I am content that it all worked out just fine.
I tend to pride myself on making the best of bad situations. Looks like this will be no different.
I have given thought to what this will look like in the event everything goes through. That I’ll kill it on grading / prepping / cleaning / whatever when I don’t have them, so I can be fully present to them.
Summers, as well as the various breaks / off-days throughout the year will be interesting.
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
And it will for you too because you are a great dad and an awesome man.
Some days I don’t feel like it, but I appreciate the props and the confidence boost. Thank you.
