Bo, she's disrespecting you by quietly moving money around without your knowledge. Confront her about it, let her know it's not acceptable. I think you said you were leaving the account open to pay for bills? Maybe it's time to close it and figure out some other arrangement for paying bills. My ex and I split the bills, I paid certain ones and she paid others. We continued to do that until she moved out.
It’s a joint account that we both deposit payroll into, and draw from to pay bills.
I’ve been considering moving direct deposit of my paycheck to my personal checking account—L and I talked about this previously. L previously said to hold off for now—don’t rock the boat or escalate. I will tell L about this—this will probably change her mind.
I also saw for the Digit savings app that it was not closed—rather, she moved $$$ over. I saw that the Digit account continues to siphon off $$$ from both of our paychecks, and she treated herself to something Fitbit for $215.
I also took screenshots of the transactions in question and emailed them to myself, so I can have for later. In case she denies or plays dumb.
I’m PO’ed, to say the least. (Was feeling so good about things, and thought I was better about detachment.)
I think you're doing pretty good with detachment but this is a whole other issue and it's perfectly understandable that you're angry about it. Your W is testing boundaries to see what she can get away with I think. Let it slide and she'll continue testing in increasingly brazen ways.
Bo, For sure run things by your L but I'm really questioning the don't rock the boat part. You need to protect yourself and your finances. The only thing that matters is the bills get paid, doesn't matter from what account or how. The fitbit is probably just the beginning. Recent weeks spending in my sitch has gone crazy with hair extensions, thousands of dollars of new clothes etc. If I still had a joint account i'm sure it would be worse. W is draining her account on useless crap every two weeks.
I’m in a surprisingly buoyant mood, considering the financial shenanigans and overall pi$$-poor attitude from W—I’m annoyed and unhappy with her, but it hasn’t crushed my day or my week, which I will take to be a sign of progress.
Rocking / walking YS to sleep after overnight feedings does help—I love it and embrace it as much as I can, even though it is tiring, and now I have a headache THIS BIG. But I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
Day 3 of new dress shirts—I love how I look, and they fit and look great. I feel so much more confident, and I feel like my relationships with colleagues and students are much better recently, but especially this week.
Thursday looked for Running Club—didn’t see anyone (though I did see a participant from the email list, but she wasn’t going to be there and she affirmed for me that I was in the correct meeting place), so I did a 15-minute run by myself around campus and the track. 15 minutes is probably not very long, but trying to ease my way into it so I won’t wreck myself, get discouraged with it and quit. If the club meets today, the run should be longer. /crosses fingers
Running Club is today, so I have clothes packed. Also followed up about the pool—signed a school waiver for permission to use, then I’ll have to coordinate with security, and the ball is rolling about that.
Found in my faculty mailbox today: A card with my name on it, and “Hi” on the front. Handwritten message inside? “Dear [Bo], I was very down a few days ago, and some kind words from you changed my day. Thank you (underlined). -Anonymous”
Obviously not a student since I’m referred to by first name and not ‘Mr.,’ and it looks like a woman’s handwriting. Thing is, I can’t remember who I talked to, or what I would have said. “Who the F did I talk to and what the F did I say?” Glad I made a difference, and I can use this as an example to my classes about youneverknow what happens from what you say, too.
While I may have struck out on the Spain trip so far, at a rally yesterday, I heard our Performing Arts director talk about a trip to Italy, so that got the gears turning in my head. So, I emailed him and asked for more info and let him know I’d be interested. He emailed me back, said that info is coming soon, and to check back in a couple of weeks if I don’t hear anything further. Nice! Italy is on my bucket list, and it’s especially meaningful for 2 reasons: my dad’s family is from Romania (which was settled in part by the ancient Romans), and as a Catholic, to see Rome and the Vatican and everything associated with that. In this sense, it will be like going home on at least 2 different levels—ancestry in terms of blood, and faith. Plus the food, and potentially the women, tbh.
I might get 2x4ed for this, but whatever—went by Campus Ministry to drop off a letter of rec for a student, and as I walk up to the front desk, the receptionist / admin assistant is eating a beignet, and she has it halfway in her mouth as I’m walking up. She asks if I wanted one, I say “no, I’m good” and then she tells me “they’re really good—I’ve had like 3,” and I just told her “you know what, go for it, you really deserve it.” I recall seeing in a previous thread something about validation and the example of saying to a woman “go ahead, choose the water—it’s healthier for you.”
This is a joint account that you both contribute to? Regarding the $200 FitBit, I would not say that at first glance this is cause for any pushback. She earns, she spends. I would caution against coming down on the side of "controlling" if this comes up in conversation.
That being said, the $1,000 being "siphoned" is certainly unusual and is cause for discussion.
I'm not saying your W should or should not be doing anything specific with her money - I don't intend to imply or state any opinion on what is or isn't happening. I just wish to get a clearer idea of what would be considered "normal" or "within her rights" in your own dynamic.
I say this because I've read a lot of sitches where one spouse tried to tighten the purse strings too much and used it for control. Until you hear otherwise, I might advise that you seek clarification from her - not accuse her of anything. Until, that is, she says something insane. Just my 2 cents.
You are doing really well Bo. Keep up the good work! As I went through the process and finances we an big issues, my lawyer continued to say, document, document, document. If it comes to D, this will all be part of the negotiation process. If there is money being siphoned off, keep track of it. It seems petty (especially if you are buying new clothes and things as well), but keep track of her spending in case you get hosed over time. It's hard to feel detached while going through this, but detach from her and the relationship, not from your finances. The other hard piece is even that you know she is doing things that piss you off, don't let it effect the way you interact with her.
Keep your head up and keep growing. You got this!
Me: 44 Her: 42 T: 22, M: 20 D:18, S:16, S:11 Sep: 6 months in 2002 Sep again: March 15, 2015 (5 months) WAW talk again: January 21, 2019
Your updates sound great! You sound like a great dad. That mystery note is really intriguing. You must have some idea who it could be from!! And a trip to Italy or Spain would be a wonderful experience, especially at this particular time in your life.
