Thank you DnJ and Adam. I am really hopeful he means it. I think he realizes, on some level, that he has to do this. I do believe he loves our kids and that wants to work cooperatively with me. I know he knows he owes me more than what he has given me by way of an explanation. I also know there are still many lies between us...some recent...some not so recent. I don’t need to “understand”, persay, because I don’t think he understands himself so how can he explain it to me. I just need to hear him say something that makes sense...that is believable. I think it will be good for him...and it will be good for us. The “us” that used to be is long gone... I get that finally.... but this is the start of a new “us”...two people who love their kids and are working together to support them as best they could. I fully believe he will look back on this one day with regret but I suspect my feelings for him in that respect will be long over. Even now...they are fading. It’s funny how that happens.
I had a looonnnng text exchange with my ex-husband tonight. Man, everyone needs an ex-husband like mine...lol. We reminisced about some funny memories. He told me he and his best friend were watching old videos and his friend’s teenage daughter thought I was “stunningly gorgeous”. I said “really?” and he said my eyes are amazing and that I am still really striking. Awww...shucks...that is just what a woman who has recently been openly rejected by her husband needs to hear...lol. My ex is my biggest cheerleader and fan. He says I taught him a lot and still continue to teach him with how I am handling everything. He, too, hopes my H finds the courage to tell me the truth. He also, as always, expressed his dismay that he had his head up his @ss back then. I think he definitely appreciates me more now than he did then. Maturity and growth...eventually leads to figuring out what is important in life. Back then I was the quintessential “girl next door” and not exciting enough for my H who was totally focused on dating women who were risky or stereotypically beautiful...one step off from a stripper kind of girls. When we met, I had a HUGE crush on him but he was lukewarm on me. But he would spend at least two nights a week hanging out with me and making me dinner, etc... but never tried to kiss me or anything. His friends constantly told me that he liked me...he just didn’t know it. Then, when I had given up all hope and he found out that I was thinking about getting back together with my old boyfriend, he completely changed his tune and kissed me the night before I was leaving to go back home for a visit. Ruined my ex’s weekend, that’s for sure. Anyway...very different beginning than with my current H who wrote to me that I had given him back his will to live after our second or third date. I thought that was the key to lasting love...that both people are instantly head over heels. I don’t feel that way anymore. My ex and I had the foundation of trust and friendship. He made some mistakes in our MR, as did I, but he would have never betrayed me to the level that my H has. Not in a million years. It has been 28 years since my ex and I first met and he probably loves me more now than he did then... at least he appreciates the qualities in me that seemed so boring back then...honesty, loyalty, stability, etc... the kind of person you can be married to for 50 years. So I guess that begs the question... why am I facing my second divorce?
This is gonna sound crazy cause I still have my up and down days and days when I miss my H...my old H...before the alien abduction. But...I think I am happier now than I have been in a long time. I am starting to feel like me again. I think this experience will turn out to be a blessing in disguise. The things that I am learning and will continue to learn are a gift. I am getting there. Finally!!!
I am on my phone so apologies in advance for inevitable typos 😌
You are doing so well. I have an ex too who is my biggest cheerleader. Difference is i was the one who left him. He was reliable and loyal and loved me completely and i treated him like [censored]. Whilst I would never go back (he has long moved on, as have I) at no point did i undervalue those qualities - even when my H and i were in the throes of our love affair. Now that i have been cast aside, my ex has listened to me crying on the phone, tried to counsel me when i was at my worst and many many times told me that i am too good for H and deserve better. On the flip side, he says my H really did love me and that he is good father. What I am trying to say I guess is those we once loved we will always love and that goes for our Hs. They will always love us - it is the baggage that gets in the way. the resentment that led to the little lies, the lies that snowballed into (your case) a double life. That double life that had at the root of it a tiny lie, maybe a sense of freedom / escape he felt when he was away getting treatment so he went one day earlier than necessary or stayed one day longer. Snowballed. it doesnt matter though - he will never tell you just as i will never tell my ex. Guilt. I know there was love. I know there is love. There is just no marriage. You know this too.
hugs Dv.
oh - You will never know how many lies he told, whether there is one or many OW - they do not matter. Understand the motivations not the details - it will help you forgive.
Reading your posts, i really do not believe that you ever will know the truth, and to be honest do you reckon that is worth it? Believe in what made your happy and forget the bad parts.
Roommate? nope. Deep down you know the answer.
Really scares me reading about co-parenting, its so hard. How can you be rational and make so many important decisions with someone that you can not trust?
In a way i am lucky that i did not have to spend a day away from my daughter yet, but i now that day will come. The advantage of my ex being a crap dad at the moment is that i can be a great mom.
He is playing daddy for 2/3 days a month, but he comes and stay in our home. Difficult for me, but means stability for my daughter and at least i know that he is not introducing her to a low life.
DV, I've got to be honest, I cringed when I read your messages to H. They are full of anger, resentment and bitterness. I feel like you do pretty well on your DB'ing for a while and then you backslide and give your H "a piece of your mind" which just sets you back weeks or months in your progress. You are still so hyper-focused on him and overly attached, and it is preventing you from growing and moving forward.
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No response. An hour later... I know.... impulsive...
Yes you are exactly right. Next time you want to fire off a nasty-gram to him then please please please post it here first and get it out of your system.
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I think it will actually help me with my detachment and I think it will give me some peace.
No, having convos like this with him will do the opposite. Time and space is what will help with your detachment. Stop trying to have R talks with him. I know you will say that's not what it is, that it's just coparenting, but dig deep and ask yourself what your motivation for this talk really is. My ex and I have had years worth of coparenting talks and I assure you that those talks are strictly business, there's no talk of someone lying or being deceitful or whatever. Those comments have no place in coparenting talks.
I had to go back and re-read your conversation with H. I didn’t think it was about coparenting, and still don’t. I saw it as a desire to understand and to let go. Dwelling on the relationship, lies, etc... will keep you attached. However, we all need a certain level of understanding before we can let go, detach, and move forward.
I had a face to face meeting with my W. Sat across from a woman I’ve known for 30 years and didn’t recognize her. The mannerisms, the speech patterns, the thought structure, and the feelings. All that was recognized, was her face and incredibly thin body, her shell.
A level of understanding is required to keep moving forward. I was cautioned that I had made a mistake having a meeting, perhaps I did. This is not an exact science, a lot of this falls to faith, espically in ourselves, even when that is in very short supply. You still know your situation better than anyone here, and you live the consequences.
Is this meeting even scheduled yet? If not, you can always reconsider.
I am still impressed with your articulation of your thoughts and feelings. I do agree that bringing that here first is a much better idea than being impulsive. For now, what’s done is done. Look to next time.
Looking for understanding is admirable. Be careful, trying to get inside his head will drive you bonkers.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thank you all for your thoughts and opinions. AS - I have thought a lot about what you wrote and I can see, from a divorce busting perspective, that I should have steered clear of all of that. I agree. A few months ago, that would have been the exact wrong thing to do. But I am no longer trying to bust this divorce. I have accepted the inevitable and I know my MR is over. My goals are different and if you knew me and my history of relationships and in particular, this relationship, you would know why I did what I did.
No, the texts I posted are not about co-parenting directly...but they are indirectly. Prior to the texts I posted, my H and I were having a conversation about our children and things that they have said to me. My son, in particular who has literally melted down when he said something about his dad that he thought he shouldn't have (once because Daddy bought them popsicles)... "I don't feel as safe talking to dad about my feelings. I haven't been very good at keeping his secrets so I don't think he would be good at keeping mine," was his comment to me the other night. My kids are very protective of me. They are bright and empathic. I get the impression that they feel like they can't talk about their dad or anything about their visits for fear of telling a secret (implied not spoken) or upsetting me in some way. I hate that. If their dad is living with his girlfriend and it is "their" house, I want to be able to refer to it as that so my kids know it is okay. I want to be able to tell them that I KNOW Daddy has a girlfriend and that it is okay with me that they spend time with her. I don't want them to think there is a major part of their life that they aren't allowed to speak about because they think I don't know. I don't want them living with the burden of that. I need them to know that their reality matches my reality and right now, that isn't the case.
The conversation I plan on having with my H is not about our MR. I don't want reasons or feelings or anything like that. There are a few events and situations from the past four years [I have made a list] that, quite simply, I want to know the truth about and I do think he will tell me. And I know you think this won't help me but I think it will. I am working on forgiveness and getting closer to it every day but I know that in order for me to truly let it go, I need to know what it is I am forgiving and letting go of. Maybe that doesn't matter to some people, but it does to me. I think it will be good for him too. I think he is carrying around the weight of some of these things and that "coming clean" with me and not being berated for it will allow him to let go as well. At the end of the day, I just want to move on and be able to look back on our history without a HUGE number of holes and question marks.This situation is not a win/lose proposition for me. For me it is all about peace, understanding, acceptance and an improved DV6 and I know what it is I need to know to get there.
So thank you all for your thoughts and your concern. I really, really, really do appreciate it and take everyone's opinions into consideration. I assure you, I am in a MUCH better place than I was a few months ago. I have come to understand that for the past four years, I was deathly afraid of the truth about my MR and I allowed it to dictate my life. I am not afraid of it anymore so am not worried that a conversation will set me back. And if I am wrong? Well...as DnJ wrote... I will live the consequences and I am okay with it. Love and (((HUGS))) to you all!
And if I am wrong? Well...as DnJ wrote... I will live the consequences and I am okay with it.
Not quite what I meant. Well, partly.
There is also:
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And if I am right? Well...as DnJ wrote... I will live the consequences and I am okay with it.
I looked up the definition of consequences. It is usually referring to negative result, it can mean either positive or negative, but usually is taken as negative. So, poor word choice by me. That’s what I get for rushing to finish typing before heading out the door.
I was going more for our actions and inactions can affect our situation. We have to live with whatever happens. I think you know what I was trying to say.
Take care.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
