Definitely go and see a lawyer. You can get free initial consultations. See as many as you need until you find the right fit. Mine is great and I feel in very safe hands.
I too thought about a separation agreement. I was advised against it in my circumstances. As he is on a bit of a reckless spending spree (for 20 years it transpires lol) the financial situation was just as likely to get worse as it was to get better. If we proceeded to divorce then the financials have to be done again and he could ask for the agreement to be altered.
The Form E that has to be completed for divorce is daunting, but it's a court document and has to be truthful.
I'm sorry to say that I would have put money on there being OW.
I keep hoping that mine will move in with her because then he can't claim the same housing costs! Sadly, apparently she's told him she doesn't want him full time, more of a friends with benefits kind of relationship. Shame. He thinks he such a catch that she'll soon change her mind. That's why there are £100 bottles of perfume on the joint current account.
In the spirit of sisterhood I hope she can see through it, but then again, serves her right.
Monkey, the whole flipping thing is just awful but get as much knowledge as you can about your options. Find a professional who will tell you like it is and not sugarcoat and dillydally. Knowledge is power.
This last week he has been acting strangely, messaging and phoning and asked if I was seeing someone (I’m not, so I said no). He brought the children home a few days ago and asked again if I was seeing someone and then proceeded to break down and tell me that he had had an emotional affair around a month before he walked away. He has since been seeing her and thinks he may love her but that a week of feeling intense jealousy and seeing me move on with my life and ‘get over him’ has made him realise that he cannot and does not want to live without me.
My response was shock and upset, that he could drop this bombshell on me now. I said I am not doing a ‘pick me’ dance with the other woman and that if we stand any chance of saving our marriage then he must end all contact with her immediately. I also specified open access to his phone whenever I feel the need and that most of all, the reason he was unhappy enough to look elsewhere needs resolving, no more burying our heads and not talking about things, no matter how painful or awkward we must talk and communicate. He has told me he has been having really dark thoughts for quite a few months before he left, I think maybe he needs professional help.
I am not sure our marriage can ever be repaired or how I get past the lies and deceit. He’s not moved back home yet, I am not sure that is the best idea.
I'm sorry to say that you may not yet have had full disclosure. I had 3 mini BDs before big BD. 1. "I'm really unhappy with my life. No I don't want to be with someone else or live somewhere else" Cue 'pick me dance' from me. 2. "it's just an inappropriate friendship. Thank goodness it hasn't been sexual that would be really complicated" Cue more 'pick me dance' 3. on the finding of explicit texts " It's just been a 3 month fling" Major pick me dancing. 4. "it's actually been 2 years but I want my marriage, please just give me time" More major pick me dancing until I found out that when she rang when out on a night's drinking, he went out to pick her up and she stayed the night. No more dancing. It wasn't so much about the sex, it was the lies, lies and more lies. Even when found out.
The caution to my tale is that I too saw tears and tales of how dark a place he had been and that I didn't appear to need him or appreciate him.
Open access to the phone is no surety of anything. There are Hs who have bought 'burner phones' in order to appear whiter than white.
So, carry on doing what you are doing and see what ensues in the following weeks. He's told you that he's in love with another woman and that he can't live without you. At the moment he's just lining up his fill of cake. Heaven help him if you move on before he's decided if he wants to be with OW long term. Let's see if I can juggle a few things until I decide. Feeling jealous about your activities doesn't equal a saved marriage. Just shows his sense of entitlement in my view.
You don't need to do anything yet monkey. He's got loads to do. Time is on your side.
Yorkie that sounds so much like me right now. I have not slept all night and feel like I am back at square one again. The heart wrenching, destroyed feeling has returned to me. He has been messaging say he does not know how he feels, does not know if he has the strength to fight for us etc.
I don’t know what I want or need right now. I feel utterly betrayed by the lies but also relief that I was not going crazy when I was convinced there was an OW.
I told him I will be there for him through this dark phase, but I’m not sure I should or even want to be. A big part of me wants to tell him if he wants me back then he needs to show it. He needs to pull himself together and work on us rather than dwell on this fantasy life with the OW.
This is such a mess. Just as I was getting my life back together.
He has been messaging say he does not know how he feels, does not know if he has the strength to fight for us etc.
Then he's nowhere near being ready to reconcile. Here's the thing- NOTHING HAS CHANGED. So he had a little "moment of clarity" before slipping right back into the fog, that is not your problem!
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I told him I will be there for him through this dark phase, but I’m not sure I should or even want to be.
If he needs emotional support he can turn to OW for that. You're not his mommy. Don't open the door to that role or he'll be crying to you about everything from OW to the weather.
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A big part of me wants to tell him if he wants me back then he needs to show it. He needs to pull himself together and work on us rather than dwell on this fantasy life with the OW.
Absolutely. I wouldn't tell him now, but if he brings up any talk of recon again then tell him then.
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This is such a mess. Just as I was getting my life back together.
HE is the mess, not you! Continue on with your life! Let him flip-flop around, he will for quite a while before he eventually hits rock bottom. THEN he may be serious about recon.
He convinced me that it was me he wanted but with less than 24 hours since he returned to his parents he has told me that it is the OW he wants and not me. That the weekend was a mistake and he was confused.
One thing is for sure, my motivation for posting on here to begin with was to get him back. I don’t want him back any more. It disgusts me the way he can treat me, his children and those around him. I can’t believe that I trusted him to be a decent person.
Wish I could say I was surprised but you saw what I posted just before your update. I'm not clairvoyant, they just all do the same crap. Just use it as a reminder of why you need to stay on your own path!
He’s now said he will issue divorce proceedings. Part of me thinks I will just divorce him now and have a clean break (well as clean as possible where children are involved) but the other part of me thinks- why should I give him what he wants? He can wait until I am ready. I must admit, most of the sadness has gone and I just feel angry, humiliated and unfortunately rather bitter, especially because he dragged the children into this.
