I'm one month into my seperation. Kinda just looking for some guidance and people to talk to about the situation. My spousr is still hurt over the matter. I dont blame her I lost focus on myself and forgot to love myself. My anger came out at times never physical but emotional. Long story short she split a month ago and took the children. During this month I have started doing everything that was making me hate myself. And as of yesterday I remembered how much I do love myself. On a positive I do talk to my Wife once a day and we plan on positive family events in the future I do only talk to her when my 4 year old is on the phone. She told me she talked to a divorce lawyer but she hasnt made up her mind.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Welcome! You spelled "separation" incorrectly. We've never had spelling and grammar police here before but I figured I might lighten your mood by being a turd?!
Can you give us some details on you, your spouse, the marriage, your familes, kids, what happened, when it happened?
You are at a very important time in your marriage, your life, and your children's lives. There are more experienced folks who can help you navigate custody and divorce proceedings and I'll leave those things to them.
What has been going on? What are your convos like with your wife? Are you guys snapping at each other?
Read those links a lot! There's a lot of info to absorb and right now you need to be a sponge!
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
No problem on the grammar police I really am learning alot through this time away. I'm 30 years of age my wife is 29. We had a pretty happy marriage up until I broke my back a couple years ago. My wife had to go back to work. 6 months after that I returned to one of three jobs I had at the time. Land Surveyor I make decent money but I was only pullung 3 days a week. Winter times are always stressful because of my job. My day's off I was with the kid's she became more distant during these times. At the time it was the only option we had. She was brought up sheltered and spoiled she holds grudges from 15 years ago. And she can be controlling she has been in multiple abusive relationships before me. I brought alot of baggage to the relationship when I said I didnt remember how to love myself. At 21 I killed my cousin drinking and driving got sued by the dad when I was in prison for $68k. Any check I get will get garnished. I'm fixing this by filling ch.7 bankruptcy. At this point I dont have much to lose the only thing that matters to me is making these changes and coming back to my family happy.I will definitely check all the links out I find comfort in most things I read. The first week was bad that's probavly talked to the divorce lawyer. I havr a feeling in time she will lighten up to me. I always told my daughter mommy and me have a bond for a lifetime and I think she knows that. I honestly do look at the situation as her giving me the time to fix myself and come back happy. I've also hit bottom twice in my life before so yeah the pauns there I know how to suppress alot of it. Prayer and patience things will work out.
Just realised I only answered some of your questions. The kids are great D4 yeat old see's iy and it bothers her alot she ooens up to me more because I was always there. S1 he doesny have a clue except he get's happy when he see's me once a week. My whole situation started off with me catching my wife in a $10 lie over a stupid pin she wanted to get. She said she felt guilty over it and I asked her why lie over something small. If you can lie to me about this you can lie to me about anything. So this is when she turns it around on me. And does the whole I think we need a break from eachother. Last winter she did the samething to me. 3 days after that she called me back begging for forgivness. I look forward to my family events in the future. Like I said my wife will loosen up once she realize's that I'm back. The last 6months together were a complete blur to me I remember it all it just feels like a dream.
Last edited by Cadet; 02/12/1911:59 PM. Reason: remove names
Yes I have been reading alot this last month. It really opened my eyes to the ahole I was. I am already enrolled in a bunch of programs anger management, marriage counseling, and I even have a life coach. I will definitely keep everyone up to date. The big day coming up for us is this new posutuve family get together I suggested it and she agreed the next day. I dont think I'm nervous about it. But I can use some insighy most likely.
I guess I should add are convo's are just nornal day to day convo's we had as a married couple. I told her let's push are differences aside and focus mainly on positive family get togethers let's worry about the other stuff later when we are ready to talk about it. We never bring up the relationship and I never engage the convo she usually messages me are bumps in on my daughter and I's convo.
Thanks Adam. I'm definitely taking this time to fix what has been plaguing me. I do have more respect and confidence in myself just by handling everything on my own. Life has been crazy but every negative is always a good learning experience. It definitely will be turned into a positive with or without my spouse.
Don't build up this event too much. One day, one sentence, one moment doesn't usually make or break. It's the overall history and pattern. Don't make it so big that you're nervous..
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
This morning I woke up thinking what my wife said the other day to me. I try to push most to the side right now because I know shr is mad. She told me she is tired of helping people who give nothing in return. Does she honestly think I wasn't there this whole time supporting her? Is she so angry that she just says these things out of anger. It's understandable I've said some pretty messed up stuff angry. Does she ever think about all the times she needed me for anything. This has been on my mind I figure I'd vent it here.
She is probably experiencing a wide range of emotions right now, just like you. This could be keeping her, and you, from seeing things clearly. It's also quite normal for the WAS (walk-away spouse) to rewrite history in order to justify their decision. It's out of your hands, so it's recommended not to worry about things you can't control and to focus that energy into a positive channel.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
You are absolutely righy it is out of my hands. I do have to stay positive and I will. I wrote out my feelings of it in a letter to her I wont send it I just find comfort in writing my thoughts.
Good for you Mosher. Sounds like you have been through more than your fair share of cr@p. Keep working on your 180s and PMA. Things will get better in time whether your marriage survives or not. Only you have control over that, however, so just keep working at it. (((HUGS)))
Thank you for the kind word's. I been on the phone today with a bunch of different pastor's to get reconnected with God. I will be starting church again as soon as possible. My support group is very small and hardly reliable I think it's time for new stronger support to help with the process. Somedays are better then others today just isnt one of them. Doesnt help it's pouring outside how depressing give me the sun please.
So a week ago I sent my daughter and wife a $63 bouquet of beautiful flowers. Tonight the wife messages me saying did you send a bouquet I told her no. My flower's werent supposed to be there until tommorow. She said well this is creepy someone sent me flowers and a note. I chuckled and said damn it's only been a month she hung up immediately. So I texted her saying it was a joke can I please talk to my daughter. Then I thought let me screenshot the flowers I sent and see if they were them. I sent the pic with in seconds she responds how do you know what they look like haha. All in all one of the best convo's ive had with my wife in a month.
It sounds like you have been through a lot. Its good that you recognize your failures in the marriage. Please understand that I am in no way judging as I have my own demons as well. But it sounds like you may have had some addiction issues that severely impacted you and in turn impacted your relationship with your family.
I will not assume anything about the situation and I am a firm believer that the disease of addiction can be treated with a loving and compassionate approach. I just want to give my feedback on addiction.
This horrible disease of addiction not only has a significant impact on you physically and emotionally, it also severely erodes any trust between a H and W in a marriage. Again Its great that you have taken a step back and seem to be genuinely sorry for what you have done.
The erosion of trust with your W is going to be extremely difficult to heal. In my opinion I would stop with any jokes or poking fun at the wife. It seems like your W has left the lines of communication open. I would suggest you take this time to prove to her with actions that you are seriously working on yourself and that you are making the necessary and consistent changes to heal yourself.
These changes must be consistent and must last for a very long time. Consistent changes that last are your best bet to rebuild that trust with your W. Keep up the self care and prove it to
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
Were you with her 9 years ago? What I am saying is that deep down this woman may have severe trust issues with you and your past could be part of it. Unfortunately most people dont believe that someone with that issue could do ever be trustworthy. People think being an addict is a choice. Even when you are no longer exhibiting that behavior.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
No I been with my wife for 5 years. She knew about my past she knew me in high school. She knew I did drugs and what have you. When I went to prison I made the choice to sober up. I had ton's of opportunities to get high in prison i just said no. I hurt her emotionally without even knowing it. That's where her trust issue may come from. It's something I've apologized for all I can do about it is change so my anger doesnt come out. By doing everything that was bothering me in my head the week after she left I've regained alot of self respect and I'm able to smile and mean it. The only crap part is I am doing it at the cost of my family. That is what bothers me the most. My wife is a wierd women. She has alot of issues and most of it have to do with her growing up coddled. She lived a very sheltered mormon life young. She retaliated by becoming a erotic dancer. That stopped before me. She has always been very dramatic on issues. Such as her idea of fighting is a quick back in forth snap. We honestly have had 3 fight's maybe 4. The way I see it I'm busting my butt every single day to accomplish my goals and I love my wife but she has to change to. Her parent's are buying her a house in the summer. That was really are saving grace when we were in the apartment. Communication was a big factor in it aswell. Never once did she approach me to tell me what I said hurt her. From what I see is we forgot how to love eachother. Communicate are feelings to one another it got bad in this apartment alot of negative energy. All I can think of is just love myself the rest will fall into place.
Well im glad you were able to clean up. Thats a very very difficult issue to get through. I can relate honestly.
A womans childhood makes a huge impact on who they are as an adult. For example, my WWs father cheated on her .other and left them all while he moved to another state and married his AP.
Because of that, my MIL has deep seeded resentment against him, which in turn she directs at all men. My MIL is also a narcissist. I can see that my WW is exactly like both of her parents . I cant wait to get away from my WW. 21 years with jer and I am trash in her eyes.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
Wow that's intense. I find it so crazy how they can just shut off like a light. Glad to hear you cant wait to get out of that mess. It's funny the more space we give eachother the more you start to see the flaws on both ends. I can't say my marriage was all rainbows and lollipops. I ended up sending my wife the letter I wrote her I am thinking of posting it.
Yeh post it up. And yes, I see that I deserve much better. I already met someone that is much nicer to me. Very happy.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
Dear Wife The other day you texted me something that has been on my mind and it is hard to shake. You told me you are tired of helping people who don't give you anything in return. I know I probably shouldn't get hung up on it because your angry and people say stupid crap all the time when they're angry. I thought this can't be right does she really think I've never been there. I was there helping for a long time. I supported you a lot I supported the kid's a lot. And I was always there for you to vent. I never asked for anything but your love. That's all I wanted from you. I was always there for you and I stood by your side with every decision. I will remain by your side cause I know your hurting and I hate seeing you hurt. You said you needed change and I understand it I needed it to. I know my issues hindered us from growing that's why I was so mad all the time. I couldn't think clearly with all the crap that was in my head it didn't help the situation. I know during those times I was an ass and I treated you unfairly. Without knowing what is to come I thought of something that may help us forgive each other and forget it. I propose we divorce are old bad marriage and look only to the future. Keep the good parts get rid of the bad. We don't have to start a new relationship we can work on ours slowly but surely it can get better. This isn't for just us it's for our children. All marriages have it's up's and down's I'm working my ass off so we can never have downs again. If we work on ourselves truly I believe we can reconcile and move forward. We are unbreakable we may be loose right now but in time are bond can grow strong again. We have always been inseparable. No, I am not saying come back to me now. I want this space because I wanna come back to my family a complete 180 I want to come back to my family knowing I can take care of it. I hated you working all the time it was the only option we had and it bothered me. I hated it because I know you didn't wanna do it and it leaves you with no real options to grow. I know it will take you time to forgive me and that's ok I don't wanna rush anything. Communication is key and that's something that blocked us from talking to each other about our problems. Since I am back from my stupid haze I want you to know I am here to communicate and I am here to listen. The only thing that keeps me going is looking forward not looking back. You told me to let go and I let go of all the negative times we had together. And I'm only looking to the future. We have all the time now to change and turn the wrong into right. Change is good if you can accept it as what it is and move forward from it. That's what it's all about moving forward. For myself I will alway's continue to move forward I hated that person I was because he hurt the only ones he cared about. I can't afford to do that again not to you, not to my children. Time heals all wounds I hope you can see all the times I was there and all the times I did help and not focus on the negative parts. We had a rocky road over here it will only get rockier if we decide to not work together. These positive family events can be really good for us as a whole. It can strengthen our family and shed new light on what we can actually be bigger and better. That's what I want at least to have a better life with my family. This doesn't have to be answered right away just something to think about. HappyValentine's day I know it's one of your favorite holidays.
ME
Last edited by Cadet; 02/15/1909:55 PM. Reason: remove names
You didn't send that did you? It's healthy to write things out to get them off your chest, but don't send it. Type up an email and delete it. Or write a letter and burn it. But never give it to the WAS. It's the sort of thing that might be a good idea in a healthy marriage but is a really bad idea with a WAS.
I did send it. I know I write a bunch and save them in my folders. Im not to worried about what will happen. I really can't control the outcome all I can do is do me. If she want's to work on it I will. If she doesn't well there is plenty of fish in the sea.
I am going to tell you a story, a story about a guy from this forum, who actually did rather well in detaching from his sitch. Things were progressing albeit slow, and there were a lot of veteran assistance to this "persons" questions and that helped immensely. It actually progressed so well, that the wayward wife had begun to show interest and now it really gets interesting - The person in question had a birthday coming up, and because everything was dandy, and he was feeling on top of the world, he decided to include the WW into his birthday plans, because, what could possibly go wrong?
Turns out, this "person" had gotten his expectations up, and had made covert contracts with himself about what to expect. Those contracts were not met, so he reacted by writing her a long mail, explaining what he felt, how he experienced everything, and what could be done (sounds familiar?), and followed that up with a text. <-- Writing is good, its healing, but do pass it by the forums, so you can have some input before shipping it off. Trust me, it can mean the difference between progress and sinking the ship.
You see, this happened in december, the veterans were completely lost for words, because all progress that was made with the WW went down the drain - The ww did not see his mail and texts as solutions, but merely as accusations and pursuit, and that pushed her away.
This is now 3 months ago, and the person in question has given up (not that you should by any means - you know whats best for you, im just sharing), the WW lost respect, and distanced herself so much, that R'ing is most likely never going to be an option.
The person in this story knows this, and he is fine today, he is embracing this new life of his, and is excited for the journey, however...
Could he go back, to that birthday, and have not sent those texts and that mail? would he have then? you bet he would.. I know that, because that person is me.
Point of the story is really: Distance yourself, do you, validate her feelings if she engages in conversation, be upbeat, content, work on yourself, find the strength to love your self, every day. You remember this: You attract what you project - so project confidence, happiness and willpower - Do not be a victim, rise and be so much more. There is one person who can begin the change, and that is you.
You are so strong, you must be with the adversity that has been shown you - make use of that strength, and build yourself up, and have a great life, with or without your wife.
I am rooting for you my friend!
/H
Last edited by Hurt213; 02/15/1908:13 PM.
BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
Thanks for the heads up. My wife and me talk almost regularly so distance and space are a hard thing to follow. Everytime I call to talk to my daughter the phone is on speaker so she can chime in at anytime. She engages most convos I answer alot differnetly then I did in the past. We talked a little bit today about doing a snow trip before summer hits. I dont think I ever mentioned this but she told me a seperatiin for a year and then we will talk about what is the best plan. I dont think she wants a divorce I think she want's me to make my changes. That's what I'm doing making my changes. I'll step back from sending any letter. Maybe I will just post them here instead.
It's been a day since I last posted. Sundays are the only day I get to see my kids. My new busy schedule and the distance between us makes it hard for me to have visits. Everything is going good on my end. The wife is trying to make me jealous as of lately and I've done a really good job at ignoring it. I stopped communicating with her in general and she hasnt really been taking it to lightly. My goal is to not be readily available for her. This morning shr got mad at me because I didnt respond to her text about the kids coming over. Am I doing a good job are am I doing to much. The more the day's go by the more I keep getting hit in the face with freedom.
Hurt explained quite well why it's a bad idea to send those temperature-checking messages!
Originally Posted by Mosher23
My wife and me talk almost regularly so distance and space are a hard thing to follow.
Do you see the irony in this statement? We tell you to give her time and space, your response is "I can't because I don't give her time and space." It's like saying "I know not eating chocolate will help me lose weight, but I can't because I eat chocolate every day." STOP DOING IT!
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Everytime I call to talk to my daughter the phone is on speaker so she can chime in at anytime.
Ask your D to take it off speaker.
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We talked a little bit today about doing a snow trip before summer hits.
Read Sandi's rules every day. One rule is don't make plans for the future.
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I'll step back from sending any letter. Maybe I will just post them here instead.
Good.
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The wife is trying to make me jealous as of lately and I've done a really good job at ignoring it.
What is she doing to make you jealous?
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I stopped communicating with her in general and she hasnt really been taking it to lightly. My goal is to not be readily available for her. This morning shr got mad at me because I didnt respond to her text about the kids coming over.
Do respond to kid-related texts. Everything else follow this rule- sometimes reply right away, sometimes reply hours later, and sometimes reply not at all (if it's nothing important).
I have been doing a good hob latelu at not making myself so readily availablr. Last night she initiated a convo with me and we talked for a bit before I pushed her to the side and focused all my attention on mu Daughter. I am doing alot better at just staying the F away from the wife. But her lil 4ft10in self can sneak into anything it seems. I believe i am making her jealous by doing more stuff. I devoted my life to my children when we were together I quit hanging out with my friends I made my family my number one priority. Now since the split everything that hindered my growth is noy around anymore. On a daily basis i am taking out my old baggage. Meeting new people going out. I started playing pool again. I just grt a hint of jealousy when she randomly text's me about stuff she already has an answer for specially when its at 2am in the morning. I could be over thinking it. Life has been going well I am happy 90% of the time. That 10% lingers abouy but it never stays to long.
Tommorow is the big day. I am excited for it. I know I should stay away from any relationship topic. Yesterday I did a pretty good job at shocking her with some changes I made in my eating habits. She even offered to go grocery shopping with me. Wish me luck tommorow should be fun.
Today went well. We had alot of fun taking the kids out. We left the relationship out of everything. I even asked her out for a movie she said she will let me know when she can go. Things are looking ok right now. Big progress for sure. I'm a happy dude.
Yeah I asked her is she wanted to take the kid's out with me. So she picked me up and we took the kids to a museum then we ate at one of are favorite mongolian bbq spots for lunch. It was a good time for sure. I was suprised she said she will go on a date with me tbh. I think my positivty rubbed off on her today she was a little uptight at first slowly but surely she came around. They're is still work to be done on my part and it's not alot but it will help me out a ton in the future. Life is such an emotional roller coaster sometimes I'm happy that I'm back on the positive ride.
Glad it went well. If you are into DR, MWD will mention to make note of what works and what does not work.
Here's the thing too. It's easier when you're high off the good moments. It's the bad moments you want to be better prepared to endure in all aspects, physically, mentally, and emotionally.
Also remember no expectations. If she backs out, you can't control that and shouldn't feel bummed unless you were having expectations.
Also if she does go, what are your expectations? what are you prepared for?
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
Lol that's a pretty good question. I am a firm believer in hoping for the best but expect the worse. So if she does go then that's on her. I'm moving forward regardless of the outcome. I cant stop at this point I have two beautiful children who need me to be the best Dad for them. That's what I'm expecting to still be the best Dad to my children. I honestly dont think she wants to go she would of divorced me already if that was the case. I think she was legit scared of how stuck we were. It was a scary mess of negativity. Good news is I have a whole bunch of positivity to spread and that [censored] is contagious. Alot of it rubbed off on her today. I know not to get my hopes up to high. But damn man it was a really good day. I hope your day went smooth aswell brother.
Thanks, today went well. it's about the PMA. I like that attitude. Keep it ALWAYS was my point to where once dark days are gray days and those gray days have silver linings on them.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
Been awhile since I've posted. Things have been going good for me. Yes I have some moments but I get over it quick. I've distanced myself more from my wife. I am happy getting back into the groove of my new life. I can't wait to move closer to my children it's hard not being around them all the time. I was alway's there. Shame the W doesn't see how much crap I actually did for her. Maybe one day she will wake up. But I think her selfishness is getting the best of her right now. One thing I found out is that her Mom is trying to get my W to quit her jobs. Also was told that the house we were gonna get isn't going thru so she is being controlled hard by her Mom right now. We will see how long it lasts with her at there place. At what point do these women wake up and actually look into the future. I see her future and it will be hard as hell for her. That means it will be hard as hell for my children. I hope everyone is having a good weekend stay safe and kerp happy. Life is brutal but it keeps moving so should you.
Been awhile since I've posted. Things have been going good for me. Yes I have some moments but I get over it quick. I've distanced myself more from my wife. I am happy getting back into the groove of my new life. I can't wait to move closer to my children it's hard not being around them all the time. I was alway's there. Shame the W doesn't see how much crap I actually did for her. Maybe one day she will wake up. But I think her selfishness is getting the best of her right now. One thing I found out is that her Mom is trying to get my W to quit her jobs. Also was told that the house we were gonna get isn't going thru so she is being controlled hard by her Mom right now. We will see how long it lasts with her at there place. At what point do these women wake up and actually look into the future. I see her future and it will be hard as hell for her. That means it will be hard as hell for my children. I hope everyone is having a good weekend stay safe and kerp happy. Life is brutal but it keeps moving so should you.
IT really is funny what our spouses see during the whole process. My w told me awhile back that her and her dad said how the entire 17 year relationship everything was about me and nothing was about her. That is the biggest crock of sh#% lol. We have moved across the country like 5 times all because of her and I stand right behind her and support our adventures. Or that she went shopping every saturday for new clothes and spent god knows how many thousands of dollars on things. If she only relayed to her dad the things that i may have wanted thats on her not me. It just amazes me what they say and think.
It truly is some crazy crap. Luckily her Dad knows my W flaws and he see's the wrong in it all. But he wont ever talk to her because she controls him. On top of it she wont listen to him only her Mom.
It's been a couple day's since I've last posted. I'm keeping up with my distancing from the W. The last couple days have been hard on me she snapped at me last night because they called me while I was in the middle of something. So I picked up I told my daughter I love her and that I can only talk for a minute. So I chatted for a minute and got off the phone. The wife sent a text message righy after saying the reason they ignored my call last night was because I'm to busy all of a sudden. She kinda went ham. And I said to her I dont think you understand what you took when you left. Those kid's were my life I took care of them all the time and I was always there. She messaged me saying she was sorry you feel that way and appologized for her outburst. It's been eventful but the more I distance myself from her the crazier she gets.
So yesterday I was talking to my daughter about trying to find a place to live thats closer to them. My wife chimed in saying I chould look into Cedar City Utah of course I asked why. She told me because her parents are gonna move and how she doesn't have a place to go so she will go with them. This isnt legal right she cant take my kids out of state without permission from me right? Does the W ever wake up and realuse what they are doing is wrong. Does she realise that her life is being controlled by her parents now. It jist blows my mind how she is so oblivious to her future.
