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A Message from Michele
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Re: Moving forward [Re: Hamburg] #2836760
02/11/19 01:31 PM
02/11/19 01:31 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 26,045
Southern Maryland
job Offline

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job  Offline

Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 26,045
Southern Maryland
Happy Belated Birthday! I am glad she recognized the day.

I am so glad that her family is reaching out to you. They can see what is going on and realize that she is not herself. Unfortunately, there is nothing they can do to change her course in MLC. You are very lucky that they are there for you. Many MLCers' parents distance themselves from us for a very long time until they see the light.

Continue as you have been. Keep the focus on you and your children.

Good luck today!

Re: Moving forward [Re: Hamburg] #2836766
02/11/19 01:57 PM
02/11/19 01:57 PM
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,515
P
peacetoday Offline
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peacetoday  Offline
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P
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,515
Happy B Birthday

I'm glad she reached out to you, and also her father is showing you his continued love and support-


The kids can see her unavailability and it may be best for them to be with you-
She may also be willing to let them go-
Mlcers are usually poor parents, and may be grateful for their freedom with some visitation rights
Only you will know what is best for everyone-


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
Re: Moving forward [Re: Hamburg] #2836811
02/11/19 06:35 PM
02/11/19 06:35 PM
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 662
G
Gerda Offline
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Gerda  Offline
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Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 662
Happy Birthday, Hamburg! We are glad you were born, and it sounds like so are all who know you. Even W, somewhere deep in the depths of her MLC.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Re: Moving forward [Re: Hamburg] #2836854
02/12/19 03:49 AM
02/12/19 03:49 AM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 176
H
Hamburg Offline OP
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Hamburg  Offline OP
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H
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 176
Dropped off groceries on her list. Brought a few extras and she seemed very thankful. Also left a grocery giftcard and she was almost in tears from it. I told her to let me know if she needs anything else and I would help.....but she is prideful. Kids were constantly hanging on me and saying "I miss you daddy. When are you going to move back in?" She teared up a bit and told them to stop.

I don't miss the house at all. Glad I'm over that now. I do miss my kids though. They are my world.

I'll admit, it was hard to see her. I have told her a few times lately that I miss her. Feelings and emotions wax and wane.

Re: Moving forward [Re: Hamburg] #2836859
02/12/19 06:19 AM
02/12/19 06:19 AM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 935
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DejaVu6 Offline
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DejaVu6  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 935
Happy Belated Birthday Hamburg. Iím a February baby too. My birthday is on Friday.

Bringing your W groceries and a gift card was a very classy thing to do. Sorry to hear about your kids. Kids really are the biggest losers in all of this and the only ones who donít get to make any decisions until they are old enough. My kids left with their dad on Saturday morning and I wonít see them until Tuesday after work. I hate being away from them this much. I have to say that it is VERY hard not to be mad at my H for doing this to us. I told him before we started trying to have kids that ďthis was itĒ... that I didnít believe in divorce with kids and that it would be the absolute LAST resort unless all other avenues have been tried and that if he didnít think that, we shouldnít have them. He agreed with me but I think he must have been crossing his fingers behind his back because for him, it was the first option. I made the mistake of thinking that his values and beliefs were similar to mine but I was sadly mistaken. Anyway... clearly you are a stand up guy who has a strong value system. FWIIW... I think this A with the OM will fizzle out soon if it hasnít already. I think your W will regret her choices in the near future and you will then have some choices to make of your own. (((HUGS)))


Me 51
H 45
B/G Twins 11
SD19

Together 14 years
Married 12 years

BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018
Re: Moving forward [Re: Hamburg] #2836911
02/12/19 03:46 PM
02/12/19 03:46 PM
Joined: Dec 2018
Posts: 65
K
kate11 Offline
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kate11  Offline
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K
Joined: Dec 2018
Posts: 65
You did the right thing in buying the groceries and taking care of your kids. I think that this hurts the kids so much more than the MLCer realizes. It's so hard to get past that level of selfishness. Good for you in doing the right thing.

Re: Moving forward [Re: Hamburg] #2836917
02/12/19 04:24 PM
02/12/19 04:24 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 176
H
Hamburg Offline OP
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Hamburg  Offline OP
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H
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 176
We had been at odds for a couple of months and last week I told her it was nice to see her when she dropped off kids. She texted and said I wasn't acting like it. That's the first semi-personal communication we've had in some time. After that I expressed that I miss her and care for her. Then came the "if you really care, you'll help us out....I'm broke, etc..."

Last night she was different. She seemed more somber and stressed out than usual.
We made eye contact. She followed me to the door to see me out. She didn't throw any daggers. I was calm as usual. Not sure what it means but hopefully we can maintain this level of decency.

As for the A, not sure where that stands. He has little means and surely cannot help her financially. But its valentines week so who knows what will happen. I am sending her flowers anonymously but I'm sure she will know it was me. I didn't say anything mushy in the card.

Happy birthday dejavu. I hope you have some fun plans!

Re: Moving forward [Re: Hamburg] #2836949
02/12/19 07:30 PM
02/12/19 07:30 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 935
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DejaVu6 Offline
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DejaVu6  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 935
Thanks Hamburg. I don't really have any plans the day of but my kids will be with me so that will suffice. On Saturday, I am having some friends over for a girls' night. Similar to what I tried to do a few weeks ago when a couple people couldn't make it. This time they say they are in. We will see... smile


Me 51
H 45
B/G Twins 11
SD19

Together 14 years
Married 12 years

BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018
Re: Moving forward [Re: Hamburg] #2837676
02/17/19 01:43 AM
02/17/19 01:43 AM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 176
H
Hamburg Offline OP
Member
Hamburg  Offline OP
Member
H
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 176
Well, that lasted all of a few days. W wanted me to cancel a contracted service for her house and I told her it was against a court order to do so. She didn't like that. She then said I was controlling. I told her I gave her almost $500 in gift cards and groceries, she spent thousands on furniture and spends money taking her boyfriend on dates. She didn't like that either. She lied about taking him out and I said I've had enough and know the truth. None of this is apparently any of my business and knowing her whereabouts, expenditures, etc....is creepy. She then said to stop giving her gifts and sending sentimental messages. She wants me to move on and be happy, put personal feelings aside, etc...

I will admit, when she requested help I got roped back in. I had a difficult time for a few days, reminiscing about old times. I cannot let myself do that again. I'm doing ok now but feel it's better to leave my guard up. Live and learn I guess.....

Re: Moving forward [Re: Hamburg] #2837681
02/17/19 03:37 AM
02/17/19 03:37 AM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 1,172
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DnJ Offline
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DnJ  Offline
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Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 1,172
Hello Hamburg

You did a kind thing with the gift cards; she just canít handle it. Imagine her guilt and stress, the inner turmoil. So she lashes out again. She justifies her position and warps things to her view.

Be gentle on yourself. So you got roped in a little, get up, dust off, and let it go.

I understand the desire to want to help. However, she does need to learn the consequences for her spending and lifestyle, to grow up.

Keeping working on detachment and find indifference, it is so worth the effort. And just so you know, you can still care and love.

For now, you should probably follow her request and stop sending her gifts. Give her plenty of space and time.

Yep, live and learn, we all do it.

You are doing a fine job of things Hamburg.

DnJ


Oct 8/17 - BD
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
w/OM, Left Kids
Dec 9/17 - Legal Separation
Oct 3/18 - W Files
Apr 6/19 - Divorced
Current
Me51 XW47 S22 S20 S18 D16

I may give up, but not today.
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