I totally hear you Nicole. But you are young... you’ve got lots of time to figure out what you want. Keep making your plans for you and your D. I think, when the time is right, you will meet someone to compliment your life who appreciates all of the great things that make you AWOAFWL. You have a great future ahead of you. Don’t doubt it for a second!!! (((HUGS)))
Nicole, do you live in the US and he lives in Europe?
Ok, here are my varying views on this situation. We know very well, that is a very long distance to have a real relationship. Usually, those kinds of arrangements are for comfort. You text eachother back and forth talk about marriages, frustrations, ect. You guys are like therapy to eachother. How long can that last on that basis? Probably not too long. But it serves a purpose for the time being. But when you are communicating such a long distance, across continents, what is the R really based on? It's nice to be able to talk to someone, usually these kinds of relationships can't become anything, however, it's "safe" in many ways, because you know that, while still getting ot communicate with someone.
Now, I trust no one I meet online from another country. There was an attempt to catfish me. I saw right through it, luckily, and I played along for fun. He pretended to be from here, actually stole the pictures and name of some random guy online. Stole pictures with his kids from FB and sent them from me saying "look, we are out bowling" when I did my detective work, those were stolen. Then he went in for the kill asking for iTunes gift cards to he complete his work assignment in Brazil! His English would get worse and worse, and I knew I was getting scammed.
Unless you can meet these people, I wouldn't get too emotionally invested with someone online from another country.I hope you find someone who really piques your interest in person. It will happen.
how "in love" can someone be while they're married to someone else? You think the wife of the WH is far from the OW's mind? I doubt it. Even a fool would be worried.
As far as what you can do, there's plenty. I'd read some of the old threads R2C has linked, I find some of the "old techniques" here quite interesting, though many of the posters are long gone. And sometimes I wonder, what do you/I/we really have to lose? Isn't subtracting a negative a positive?
Originally Posted by NicoleR
I think you missed the line where I said I have more in common with the type of guys that come to this forum!
I'm just a typical American, what can I say?
And yes, you never know what someone may think about going back overseas with you! You know what they say about assumptions, right? I've found that girls that "aren't good" at romance/dating are better partners b/c they don't know or need to play all the games. That is a huge positive for you. If I get divorced, I would refuse to do online dating, b/c I too would be horrible at the games and lingo and texting and ghosting. I don't know the games and I don't want to know them. I'll say hello to the girls at the store or at a bar. Good girls go out to bars too. If you do get involved with someone from a dating site, I'd not talk so much about your WH. I can totally commiserate with you on the "good ole days" of a happy life and marriage, but as we see now, those days were just an illusion.
Nicole, be strong. You have a lot to offer the world.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Therefore I'd appreciate a few words of advice kind of like Ballast.
Well first, I agree with Ginger that there's no point in communicating with people in other countries for dating. I had a woman contact me through a dating site, she claimed to be in Australia but her broken English was a red flag. I was pretty sure it was a scam but played along because I was curious to see what the angle was. After exchanging maybe 5 brief messages she told me she loved me and wanted to move to the US to be with me, LOL! Honestly I literally laughed out loud when I read it. My replies to her were just short of rude yet she had fallen in love. A couple of messages later she was talking about needing a plane ticket of course. I quit replying after that. I image searched her pics and they were on many other dating sites as well as a site where she was offering her services as a surrogate mother! Anyway there are a million different scams out there as well as a lot of people just looking for a pen pal. So stick to people that are relatively close.
Also when I started dating, the women I met shared all kinds of stories about their dating experiences. Let me tell you, women have it tougher than men in this regard, because whereas most of the women I met had used accurate photos and descriptions of themselves, it rarely happens with men. Most men use pics that are not them at all, or pics that are 20 years old. They routinely lie about their marital status, how much they make, and what they are looking for (JUST SEX). I heard stories that were... well just icky. Very icky.
So my advice is push to meet them to confirm they are who they say they are, and to see if any chemistry is there. Be VERY careful. Meet them in a public place such as a restaurant. Have a friend that you keep touch with throughout. Text her during the meet and let him know you're texting a friend for security purposes. If he's normal he will completely understand and respect that. If he's not you'll probably get a strange reaction from him and that's your queue to leave.
Also, same advice I gave B, do not engage in endless texting before meeting. When you do that you start to develop an idea in your head of how they talk, look, sound, act. And it's NEVER right, LOL! Meet first and if you like them, THEN start sharing a bunch of stuff by text if you want.
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When I tried the dating app a few weeks ago I made plans to meet up with the guy who was happy to get divorced right away. I'm glad I did because there would have been no use texting him.
Exactly.
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But sometimes you don't want to limit yourself to whoever is in your immediate vicinity and there might be a long distance so then what?
Well I understand that, but I still firmly believe you need to meet them before "falling in love" via text or email. Meet first, THEN engage in a long-distance R.
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These are the days when you just miss being married and having a partner because it's just so overwhelming to think about ever meeting anyone again and yet it's overwhelming to think about just being alone as well.
Being alone can be nice too. And usually about the time you get comfortable with the idea of being alone is when someone pops into your life.
Dejavu, thanks for your encouragement! I want to believe all that although I'm not so convinced about the young part. :-)
Ginger, yes, I live in the US and he lives in Europe. Not just any place in Europe though. I don't want to be too specific on a public site but he lives in the city and country where I've been going for several decades and where I plan to spend more time in the future. So, it was a bit strategic when he and I connected since I already know the culture and language. I would categorize our communications as friendly just like here on this forum until we re-connected a few weeks ago and started trading pictures. I think I'll still contact him to meet up. If he still doesn't respond then it's no big loss. That's funny about the catfish attempt you experienced! Having worked with people from developing countries for most of my career I know how these things happen. The people who do these things have no patience, have no shame in asking for stuff even though in their own cultures they'd never do that, and they are quite professional because they probably all train each other on their techniques. It's good you didn't fall for it! I fell for the worst scam of all - my husband. We met in person the old fashioned way overseas and we've been married for 10 years but it may have been one long elaborate scam especially since the timing of his departure coincided with him finishing his residency and starting as a paid physician and his whole family safely settled here.
Ovrrnbw, I know nothing of what my husband told the other woman but it must have been convincing since they live together. I'm sure she feels pretty good knowing she's 14 years younger than me. I'll look for R2C's thread. There's also no such thing as a typical American! :-) It's good to know there's a guy out there such as yourself who's not into the games and lingo. I'm not even sure if online dating existed back when I was last single and it was disappointing to see what's out there when I checked. You're definitely better off meeting women in person if you have the confidence to approach them.
AnotherStander, great advice!!! I love the story about the 'Australian' woman. She's a multi-scammer looking for husbands and surrogate deals at once. Too bad people in this world are so desperate. It's a good story for you to tell! I believe what women told you about their online dating experiences. That's kind of why I took a look and realized I could rule out 99% of profiles almost immediately. I met the one guy that looked decent and I don't regret trying it. I was able to verify his place of employment, his real name, etc.. prior to meeting. If I ever try again I'll be really careful. It's also good advice about meeting someone first even if it's long distance. That makes sense to me. The guy I describe above who lives overseas wasn't meant to be a dating prospect but the texting kind of evolved in that direction. I'm not looking for a relationship given my current situation but I want to learn how this world of online dating and texting works since I wish to meet someone someday. I'll just keep being alone for now. I'd rather be alone than with the wrong person but being with the RIGHT person beats being alone!
I want to learn how this world of online dating and texting works since I wish to meet someone someday.
Nicole,
It's not just swipe left or right anymore? Hm... coulda sworn my W was doing that before... Nvm, bad attempt at a joke.
I was told by a millennial at work the game has changed so much. She dates often by guys hitting her up in DMs on her Instagram(on one of her ig accounts, she has multiple ones, go figure...). I think from what she expressed, sending certain types of pix is so normal now. She said she could school me on SM and I quickly and politely declined. No thanks to all that for me. My eye sight's getting bad and I'm hard of hearing so I cant see you on face time or skype and I cant hear you on the phone, I'd need the person sitting right in front of me... in broad daylight.
My sister in law is getting married to a guy she met online. They both are in mid 40s with two kids each; both doing well. They met through a matchmaking site. There are a couple of people who met face to face like that and have hit it off pretty well with multiple dates with the same people. My sister in law probably dated a few years though before finding this guy.
I don't see myself ever dating again. For me after 25 years of being with someone, I just don't know and am okay with leaving it like that for a while...
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
I met the one guy that looked decent and I don't regret trying it. I was able to verify his place of employment, his real name, etc.. prior to meeting.
Oh good, sounds like you are being very careful then!
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I'm not looking for a relationship given my current situation but I want to learn how this world of online dating and texting works since I wish to meet someone someday.
Well it can be very frustrating, aggravating and time-consuming but if you go into it knowing that then your chances of success are much better. I think a lot of people are under the mistaken impression that you just cruise through the photos and descriptions, pick out the person you want and ride off into the sunset with them. If only! I did meet my GF through an online dating site and I'm glad I did but it took a lot of effort. I used to tell people it was like having a second job, LOL!
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I'll just keep being alone for now. I'd rather be alone than with the wrong person but being with the RIGHT person beats being alone!
Great attitude. And there's nothing wrong with being alone!
Hi Adam, interesting read out from a millennial. That doesn't sound tempting to me either! But that's great it worked for your sister-in-law. I guess there are so many variables but it seems the main point is not to get caught up in time-wasting games. In your case it does sound hard to think about someone new after 25 years of being with someone else. You never know what will happen in the future but there's no rush. You have your kids and they'll keep you busy!
AnotherStander, if something seems too good to be true it usually is! I can imagine with online dating you have to navigate through so many unknowns and endless choices, not to mention rejection and rejecting, to find something real. That's great you have a girlfriend yourself! It's encouraging to hear how many of you already-divorced members here were able to find love again. That makes an unwanted divorce feel just a little less depressing.
Thanks Adam. That's good advice because I don't put much value on fun but it's a nice thought. After all this pain and misery it's nice to remember what it's like to have fun!
There's a quick update on the guy I wrote about - he texted me from a ski resort in France at 2:00 AM his time tonight. He'd had a few drinks but we talked for a long time. We're going to meet in person in April. We'll see how it goes.
