I 100% agree this experience has done good. We all need those bullet points you listed above. They are the best takeaways we can have. My first guy was a HOT 21 year old MMA fighter, 6’4 with washboard abs. I was 28 with a year old baby. I was out at a local bar and it was ME he was interested in, when a bunch of other girls were definitely interested . He took me out, always paid, ( turned out he was filthy rich) and it got heavy fast. When it ended abruptly, I felt so Blech.
So I get it. I do. Just keep your head in perspective, slow way down and make it fun, not all serious.
Understood and thank you Ginger! I had texted her when I was out Friday and she replied quickly and happily to me, but then for the rest of the weekend I just let it go and I didn't hear from her. So who knows what's up with that.
I don't chase and believe I'm a great catch so it will be on her to contact me going forward. It wasn't until I did some "homework" over the weekend that I realized between my texting and being an open book, I had been doing all the wrong things when meeting a new lady. I'm happy to have learned some things to be better prepared next time. And apparently leaving this lady alone who I'm highly attracted to and being totally fine with it is about the most alpha like thing I could do and I didn't know that either. Folks going through what we've gone through detaching from our spouses, the strength that gives you when folks you want to date don't pan out is a wonderful thing.
Hopefully this was a dating "pop quiz" designed to teach me some important things for when a more realistic opportunity comes along in my future.
B, I agree with what Ginger is saying, you didn't "lose" her because you never had her in the first place. You didn't do anything wrong, this is just how it goes when you're trying to meet new people. Again I'll stress that when you're talking to someone new, try and meet ASAP. Meet, find out if the spark is there, THEN spend hours texting your heart out. When I started dating again there were two women early on that blew my phone up (not at the same time), we got into these long, deep convos sharing all kinds of stuff. When I eventually met them there was just no spark there, and believe me that can be VERY awkward if they feel a spark and you don't! Because you've already built this R with them through text, so you're stuck having to "break up" with someone you never even dated! So learn from my mistakes, push to meet ASAP and keep the texting minimal and business-like until you do meet them.
2 hours isn't that far away, I once set up a date with a woman that was 1-1/2 hours away for that night (it was a week I didn't have the kids). I drove there after work, had dinner with her for about an hour and then drove back. And nope, no spark so that was the end of that. Push to meet. She might feel intimidated, so tell her it's just for dinner to meet and say hello, nothing more.
Stander...yep, as I say I feel like lost the CHANCE with her. The deal is given we are long distance she was interested in getting to know me more by text first which is counter to what you've just said and I've read. Basically we should have had a quick convo to introduce and then agreed a time/place to meet ASAP. Instead we got a text relationship started and I got wordy and perhaps came off needy.
With her not calling and me basically not texting now, I think we're at a standoff. If I start texting again, that makes me look needy. If I leave it alone, even with i'm attracted to her, that MAY be the end of whatever this is and I'm ok if that's the case. I guess if she's not interested in a meet up ASAP to see what we think of each other, then I'll just shut it down and move on along. If she was local, this wouldn't be an issue as it would be set up the date and if not, walk on.
Okay a few things here, she is TWO HOURS away - not two days away. If you can't meet a single time due to this distance you had no business even starting this. Thing is I don't think it's the distance - I think that's your excuse for not meeting. Two hours dude, just drive there. It's going to go like it's going to go. If you're not ready - which I'd say is a strong possibility - that's fine. It may well be too soon. If not simply tell her "we may have had a misstart here, how about I take you to dinner and let's just meet - no pressure, just a fun dinner. When are you available?" Just do it. If she doesn't want to meet then you have your answer. If she does, go meet her and see. If you leave at 4 you can meet her at 6 hang out for a few hours and you can be back home by 10 or 11 at the most. You'll have many more answers after this. I'm just not sure you want these answers. You and her would not be the first to have an electronic only R - not that this is good or heathy but it's certainly more common than many people think. I just think all of this is too soon yet and that's why it's gone as off the rails as it has.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
LOL Don...I for sure definitely want to meet her and she initially wanted to meet me as well. When I said "hey let's do dinner this Saturday, blah, blah" she said that weekend would not work for her...then it was we should get to know each other before you trek up here. As I have custody 50/50 that punted us schedule wise to at the earliest next week.
At this point, it's a moot point really. I don't believe it's too soon and it for sure wasn't me not wanting to meet her. It went off the rails in a weird way when I didn't stick to just saying "let's meet" and if she declined, politely moving on from her.
Given the current radio silence between us, unless she reaches out to me this exp is over and done with in my mind.
It went off the rails in a weird way when I didn't stick to just saying "let's meet" and if she declined, politely moving on from her.
Ding, ding, ding - yep you've got it. Perhaps it's her that is afraid to meet and wants to keep the safety of the computer. I suggested it might be you because you've much more been bringing up this two hour distance thing when asked - you've less said she didn't want to meet. However that happens much more than you'd think. Anyone who has tried online dating will tell you of the many people who never seem to want to meet - they only want to chat. They always have an excuse. It's a lesson learned for next time. That's an easier change for you though. I'm still more concerned about how wrapped up you got with someone you've never met. That to me points much more to you being hurt by your ex and having attention from someone new taking that hurt away - even though you really don't know them yet.
I'd say you can still do this now however. Tell her you would still,like to meet but if she's not ready you understand but can't keep this as an electronic only thing. Put it back on her. You are ready to meet - it's her decision to make. Just don't let her dictate the rules to you.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Yup Don knows what he's sayin' It's a weird phenomenon that didn't exist when I was dating before I got married. We didn't have the Internet or email or smart phones back then, that didn't come until years later. But with the social media revolution came a strange new twist where people are into "online relationships" even to the point of sending nudes back and forth even though they've never met. A lot of people love to do this because they can kind of imagine the other person to be whoever they want. If you watch that Catfish show it's shocking how people will carry on these phone relationships for YEARS having never met, or even Facetimed, or even talked on the phone! 100% of their relationship has been messaging through FB or texting. And they insist they love this person they've been talking to, they say they are dating, etc. etc. It absolutely blows my mind. So yeah, be wary of that.
I've had ladies give me that BS line of getting to know each other through texting first, and my response is always "we will know more about each other in 5 minutes face-to-face then 5 weeks of texting." If they still refuse then I wish them well. It's a game of numbers, you've got to message 100 to talk to 20 or 30, and out of those you might meet 4 or 5 and 1 or 2 of those might be worth seeing again. It's a ton of work and takes a ton of time, so prepare yourself!
It's a game of numbers, you've got to message 100 to talk to 20 or 30, and out of those you might meet 4 or 5 and 1 or 2 of those might be worth seeing again. It's a ton of work and takes a ton of time, so prepare yourself!
OMG - this is soooooo true! But then step back and think about it - and then say 'Oh by all means, sign me up for that - it sounds like so much fun!" And then thing is, those number are perhaps only inflated a bit - but the radios are very much on - perhaps even a bit optimistic. Think about that. you have to send 100 messages in hopes of getting 20 responses. I have to tell you, that can even sometimes be optimistic unless you are counting the "sorry not interested" responses as "responses". So few will respond. And of those yes you might meet a few. Those are about my numbers to the T. I don't know how many messages I sent over the years but absolutely, positively it was over 100 (I tired OLD off and on for a half dozen years) I went out with at least 10 women - probably closer to 15. I wanted a second date with one or two of them but they were not interested. The others I was not interested. So to go back and try that again.... wow, yeah, like I said, sign me up for that. I hate to be such a Donnie Downer but it is really pretty accurate.
Then let's add in how many lied about who or what they are. How many ghosted. How many had old photos up. On and on. By comparison Jospeh is not doing too bad, although he's overlooked red flags I would not have and gave more women chances that I would have been long out yet he's had more second dates than I have. Ginger it took many, many years with the current guy looking good but that chapter has not been written yet. Dawn seems to have found what she is looking for. So it does happen. But you really have to change your mindset and you really have to not allow yourself to get sucked in. You have to stick to your guns on things so if you hear "I"m not ready to meet yet" I guess I can't say walk away but most certainly don't say "ok okay, you're not ready to meet in person so here's my life story and all of my deep thoughts." Think about that!
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Don...so it was definitely her wanting to get to know me better first. Thing is this was not entirely a blind/OLD type situation. Our mutual friends connected us, we had tons of pictures with each other, FT with each other...so it was far from a blind OLD type deal. Also, this lady was #3 in terms of my interaction with them post-EX. With the prior 2 there was definite attraction from me towards them and there seemed to be the same from them to me, but they did not pan out. Personality wise there were also additional mis-matches let's say. The current lady, my attraction with her was extremely high AND she was expressing attraction to me as well. So this to me is not about being hurt by my ex, but rather this lady just really set off all the bells and whistles in me...which is also exactly why I gave up my mystery to her way too fast and maybe why she lost interest. With a couple of days having passed now, I'm thinking still it best to just let it go. A guess here, but if she really did have interest in me maybe she'll contact me sometime in the future, if not...just keep on walking along, it wasn't meant to be.
Stander...so I met my WW through OLD AND we had an online relationship for a good 2 months or so before we ever met up. Once we did meet up, we knew instantly. So I have seen that arrangement work out to a positive result....course i'm getting divorced now from said experience but I think it can work. Now my IC has cautioned that if/when I date I should not follow that example and I get that as well. There's just no one right way nor wrong way to find love with someone. My being silent with Miss Sunshine I could see her thinking I was not happy about getting to know her first, whereas the real reality is that she went silent on me and I wasn't going to push her or chase her...whether that is right or wrong.
It is sad the situation I find myself in with Miss Sunshine as I feel like we could have enjoyed and had a great time together. I don't like what's happened, but I feel like if I contact her now after a few days of silence I'll be giving off needy vibes instead of right now her maybe at least being curious what's up with me.
It's a weird phenomenon that didn't exist when I was dating before I got married. We didn't have the Internet or email or smart phones back then, that didn't come until years later. But with the social media revolution came a strange new twist where people are into "online relationships" even to the point of sending nudes back and forth even though they've never met. A lot of people love to do this because they can kind of imagine the other person to be whoever they want. If you watch that Catfish show it's shocking how people will carry on these phone relationships for YEARS having never met, or even Facetimed, or even talked on the phone! 100% of their relationship has been messaging through FB or texting. And they insist they love this person they've been talking to, they say they are dating, etc. etc. It absolutely blows my mind. So yeah, be wary of that.