We had a lovely evening and both his parents looked very happy that all the family were there. Unlike last year when H couldn’t be bothered to attend his dads 80th or his mums birthday meal two weeks later.
MIL gave me the biggest hug and kiss on the cheek I’ve ever had in all the 30 years I’ve known her. Is haven’t seen them since a christening a year last October, which H didn’t attend either.
In fact, I’m hard pressed to remember any affection from her!
D said H looked very happy last night, laughing and cracking jokes like he used to do before BD, and he was very affectionate when we went to bed (no sex) just very cwtchy.
He’s a man of very few words (unless he’s talking about work or rallying) on that score, it’s all about actions with him and I believe it was his way of showing he’s grateful for the lovely evening and the normality of it, like it used to be.
This is so lovely Westo. I love how pleased and welcoming your in-laws were. I suppose that shows your H was not trying to bad-mouth you during the time you were S. Or if he ever did, they saw through the blame as him trying to justify his actions.
I'm trying to remember - did your H ever mention D in the time he was away? I recall he left a note and was gone, and you had long periods of NC. It sounds like he indicated he was unhappy, but did he ever tell you what his plans at the time were? Such as - "I want a D" or "I need space" or even "I don't know what the future holds". I'm curious what he thought he wanted at that time, if you know.
No H never mentioned D, just the “I don’t love you anymore”. He did say in one of his emails that he knew he was acting out of sorts since BD but couldn’t do anything about it at that time. He said he had to find his way through it all himself.
So that’s when I stopped contact. I actually (for probably the first time) listened to what he was telling me rather than just hearing it.
He was never, what I would call a true WAS as my first H was. He’s always paid the mortgage and all the bills.
I am so proud of you for recognizing your problem and taking steps to improve it. This is a huge gift of love for you and your H. Just like Gordie's thread, I think there is evidence of relationships that will be much better than what they were before.
Yes, I believe that I am now seeing a better relationship forming. Now it’s been over 6 months (7 now) since he came home, I had made up my mind that I will start this new year alcohol free.
I had run out of excuses and it was time to call an end to my relationship with wine. It’s a new beginning and time for change.
They say to be the best version of yourself you can be, so stopping was a must for me
Best wishes for you new resolution. depending on where you were at, that can be difficult. You can do it and yes a better you will be there at the end. Good luck
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Almost two years ago when I was waiting for treatment for breast cancer in our local hospital, I told H ( who had just made contact after a year) that I wanted a miniature Dachshund puppy.
He asked how much would one be, too much I answered! Tomorrow we are picking little Hector up.
He’s never been bothered about having a pet but after returning home now eight months, I’ve never seen him so up for it. I always knew that I would never get the big I’m sorry and I love you lark....it’s just not him.
Action not words is what he’s all about and I know this is his way of showing how sorry he is. I now that this little pup is going to focus my mind away from what he did...like my cancer diagnosis did.
I still think of the hurt 24/7, but I will have something else to focus on, and I’m glad for that.
He’s very much like his old self now, even teasing me and making me the butt of his jokes to the kids like he used to do. But not since around 2014....that’s how long and how detached he got.
My paranoia and sensitivity have almost gone now...things are getting back to ‘normal’.
It really is a marathon and not a sprint. My advice to all you newbies?
Westo, I'm so glad to hear this update. I was thinking about you the other day and wondering how you were. I'm glad to hear you'll have a new little pup in the family! That's great fun! Hector is an adorable name for a little guy of that breed. Perfect!
Thank you so much for documenting your story and process over the past few years. Your H and my W sound a bit similar in their leaving and not doing the "touch and go" game. Which should not be a comfort to me but it is. I just feel comfort in knowing I'm not the only person who has ever faced this. I value reading how similar and how different everyone's situations are.
The great thing for me about this board is less about where we are at here and now - but more about the documentation of where everyone has been over a period of years. We see the changes that each person went through as they were living it, and how they felt at the time. Knowing we all feel the same way is a great comfort. The archives of this board are pure gold for this reason.
I hope you continue to post and update a bit, but I'm sure now that your H has returned you'll update a bit less frequently. I'd just like you to know that while you probably weren't thinking about it at the time, your posts of your process really do help the next "generation" (for lack of a better word) of folks.
So now the real question: Will Hector come with a Designer Purple Pooper Scooper? Or will that be H's job
I am so excited for you and your family! You are getting a puppy! You will love Hector to bits. I love Dachshunds!
I am glad to read that things are slowly but surely returning to normal for you and your family. It's been a long haul, but it has been worth it in the end. You may never get a "I'm sorry for what happened", but his actions are speaking louder than words. Who knows....down the road, when he's more comfortable in his own skin, he just might fool us all and say "I'm sorry". But for now, take those actions as his gestures of sorrow and make each and every day count.
You are one of the lucky ones.
Let us know how things work out with the pup. I can't wait to hear about him.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Westo...... I have never posted on your sitch, but have followed along with everyone else.
Congrats on the positive changes happening in your marriage. You have given me strength to know that things can work out if we are trusting, patient and truthful to ourselves, thoughts and feelings.
Congrats on the new puppy. Dogs have a way of bringing such happiness into our lives.
