Deja - just catching up a little on your sitch. You are going through a lot, and it seems to be accelerating. His sense of urgency makes it difficult to process things in your own time.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
I should have done something when I sensed that I was losing him but I wasn’t brave enough.
Do not give this another moments thought. This is useless, and would not have probably helped anyway. YOU are not the reason he did the things he did. That's all on him.
I had a post all typed out this morning after breakfast. Pressed the wrong button and poof all gone.. darn. Oh well this is take two.
A little backslide - that’s ok. We only grow emotionally when driving that “car” (I assume you’ve read my latest posts, otherwise that last bit is going to sound weird). We really don’t know what might trigger one of these emotional side trips. This particular one seems like a pretty big wave of sadness, and probably has some ties to that conversation with H. It’s ok, feel your feelings. Acknowledge them, stop feeding them, and let them flit away.
I understand your need to have a conversation, the wanting to know the lies. I also had a conversation with W, around the same timeframe as you are, it was at neutral ground, a restaurant. She talked rather openly about a few topics. I then asked her if this was her first and only affair during our marriage. She looked down at the table and said nothing. Yikes! I told her don’t worry about it, doesn’t really matter anymore. In a little bit she said “no”. So, if she was telling the truth why the delay? Who knows. Doesn’t really matter anymore.
You, like I did, got some answers, got some insights, and got some more questions. I also believe that discussion was helpful for moving forward.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
I don’t see this wave of sadness as taking a step back... rather, I am seeing it as a step forward...
I am glad to see you realize this is still moving forward.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
...shaking off the remnants of a buried hope that my H might change his mind and try to rebuild our MR. He’s not going to. He is steadfast. I must be too.
DV, we all question our feelings of hope, and then lose the feeling of hope. So darn fleeting aren’t they - feelings.
You might just find that hope is more than just a feeling, just like love is. Hope lives within the possibilities. Hope is a belief. Hope resides within the spiritual path.
Your H might just change his mind, whether you hope for that or not. The changing of his mind is not contingent on your hope or lack thereof.
It is possible that H may change. I hope he can and will.
Your statements of his steadfastness are based on his outward portrayal, which may or may not accurately depict what is going on inside him.
I can understand the “I must be too” attitude; the need to be strong. Please be careful, strong is good, rigid is not. Rigid is good right up until it breaks and shatters. Flexible can bend with the sudden and unforeseen forces. Strong and yet yielding will, paradoxically, create a much more resolute position.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
I think the finality of everything is finally sinking in and it is bringing up fresh feelings of grief that I had tried to bury. This must be what it feels like to lose all hope.
The emotional journey hurts. (((DV))) Depression is one of the stages of grief, a needed stage for emotionally learning to accept. That stage is temporary, as are the others on the journey to acceptance. The feelings, the loss, the pain - it is temporary, honest.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
I should have done something when I sensed that I was losing him but I wasn’t brave enough. Forgiving myself is going to take longer than I thought.
Be gentle on yourself. Self forgiveness will come and go for a bit, it takes some time. You have already tasted it, so you know you will get there.
“I wasn’t brave enough”. Facing and letting go of our fears is a huge step in this process. What were you afraid of? What are you afraid of? Learn your fears, and learn to let go. I know it is scary.
Originally Posted by DnJ
You feel a hand on your back and under your elbow. I am there, knelt down right beside you, encouraging you to lift your head.
Fear is a prison and the keys to your freedom are within you.
Let your light shine.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thank you for the support Bo, Grace and DnJ. DnJ...that is above and beyond... to write such an involved post twice. I am honoured... and grateful. I have definitely been taken aback by this latest wave of sadness. I expected it in some ways but also did not. I am used to being without my H as he has been absent for a long time. But before there was always this imaginary end date when he would come back home and we would rediscover each other and fall in love all over again. That dream kept me going for a number of years. And now I know that is all it was...a fantasy that I made up to keep me warm at night. The reality, I have come to understand, was more of a nightmare.
Ugh...there’s a show on tv with a couple who are celebrating because his wife of 21 years finally signed the divorce papers so they can get married...the woman in the story (which is apparently a true one) is 21 years old. Gross. I just imagined my H in her boyfriend’s place. Yikes. That stings. A little exercise in self-torture. Oh....wait...she just got a threatening letter from her ex-husband saying they both are going to die. This might get good. [cue evil laugh]. Okay... I digress...thought I would insert some black humour into my post.
Thank you DnJ for that last quote. I can feel the encouragement and support from you and all of the wonderful people who are unlucky enough to find themselves here. It has meant the world to me and I am eternally grateful for all of you. In terms of what I was and am fearful of. Gosh that is a tough question. I think I was scared that I had already lost him, TBH. How ironic is that? What am I scared of now? I think I am scared that I will never feel that way again...about anyone. And even more scared that no one will ever feel that way about me...that this was my one and only chance at true love and I blew it. That is my biggest fear.
Hi DV - I can't add anything that hasn't already been said, and said so much better. You are doing great. This hurts. It hurts so much. Every single day it still hits me. It comes and try as I might to not wallow in my grief, somedays I fail. You will fail many times. You will get up, put a smile on your face, get your kids ready and go about your day. And more and more that smile will be genuine.
There will be times when the sadness feels never ending. No longer the desperate storms that came crashing down after BD and in the months after. One wave after another crashing down and pushing you under. It is now a quiet but endless sea. You are trying to imagine what that shore looks like. Close your eyes and float. Let it be. The sadness you feel today is for future that has not yet happened.
Try to think about the things that recently have made you smile. That beautiful sunrise. The friends you've made. That NYE party you threw. The trip you took with your sister. Moments of happiness.
Know that we are there with you. There are tears running down my face as I type this. I am here for you and if I could I, like your sister, would have been there with a coffee and a hug. We all would.
I know that imaginary end date idea. That is a tough thing to let go of. It feels wrong, sad, bad, and those feelings seep into other areas of our lives. Be patient, they’re just feelings. Float in that calm sea and keep your headings.
Thank you for sharing about your fears. Yes the fear of lost love, of never feeling that way again. That is a felt by so many of us.
This is the entrance to where your journey becomes your own. Letting go of fear, letting go of H, indifference, compassion, renewed hope! It is all possible and obtainable.
Thank you FS. Your H really is a fool for walking away from such an intelligent and genuine person. Your support has been invaluable to me... I can feel your hug from across the ocean.
I definitely feel like I am floating on this sea of sadness right now. This all feels so senseless. Blowing up a family for reasons that were so fixable. My H’s complaint is that I never took his opinions into consideration and I have been wracking my brain trying to understand where it was that I did that. Every big decision we have ever made has been done together. There was one, the sale of his childhood home, where I admitted years ago that I pushed too hard on (new mother panic) and I have apologized to him numerous times since then. I have never said “no” to him. Everything he wanted to do or buy, we have always found a way to make it happen. Maybe it was his feeling that he needed my “permission” to do these things? I don’t know. Certainly someone who will put up with an absent husband for four years with very few complaints cannot be that controlling. I just feel like his view of me is so unfair...here come the tears again. So many cheeseless tunnels my brain wants to go down.
I have forgiven my H. I want to forgive myself. It seems like that is going to be a much tougher process.
"Your H really is a fool for walking away from such an intelligent and genuine person"... This pertains to you too, ya know.
Of course it feels senseless. Of course you are wracking your brain trying to understand what you did. Of course his view of you is unfair.... This is because you have been and are being gaslighted. Gas lighting is a really big form of abuse. It does a ton of damage. (I suggest googling the term ) Talking to him is a waste, because every time you do, he twists it all on you. It pained me to read what he said to you at your last meeting. He deflected and turned it on you. And then you felt bad.
What he did and is doing is wrong and deceitful. And i think you know it and he knows it deep down. It is just hard to accept, which is why he twists it on you and why you accept it as yours to own. A person that does that is not a good person. Not a person to fight or pine for. Not a prize to win back. You are the price here. A loyal mother that wants to stay committed to her family. Read the posts written by many husbands here. They would cherish a woman like you. Your ex does not appreciate you. Good. Find someone that will. Or better yet, learn your worth first. Cause, you have absolutely nothing to beat yourself up over and nothing to allow someone else to continue doing it.
The only thing you need to forgive yourself for, is for allowing someone to treat you the way your ex is now. That is just a cruel way to treat yourself. Your not being kind to yourself.
DnJ - I so appreciate your wisdom and peaceful way of being. Thank you for taking the time to help me along this journey. Knowing I am not alone is comforting and also very sad. So many marriages did not have to end like this.
Juju - Thank you. I looked up the term. Certainly there are some things in there that apply to my H and definitely applied prior to BD when he was trying to maintain his cover story. I don’t think he is doing that now though. He shared with me some of his worst feelings about me and the relationship we had. I do not think he is a narcissist. I think he has Nice Guy Syndrome to the extreme and it stopped him from clearly communicating his feelings to me. I believe he was speaking the truth from his perspective just as I am speaking mine. You are right that he does not appreciate me though. I did so many things for him to reduce his stress during our marriage but it backfired as it led to him feeling like my child instead of my partner. What is that saying? The road to hell is paved with good intentions? Certainly that applies to me and my marriage. You are right about me needing to learn my worth. I know that is a challenge for me.
Had a text last night from a neighbour. She wants us to get to know each other better. Her daughter and my daughter have become good friends. I told her we should absolutely get together this weekend some time. Fits in perfectly with my goal of cultivating more female friendships.
Had a good weekend with my kids. Not super eventful but lots of laughs and some quiet times too. Yesterday I had my neighbour and her two daughters over for breakfast. I make my kids pancakes every Sunday and with their dad gone, I usually make too much so I thought it would be fun to have some guests. It went really well. My neighbour is working towards her BSW and in the practicum phase. I didn't know that about her. I have a BSW and an M Ed in Counselling Psychology so we have that in common. It was nice chatting with her. She is married but her husband works out of town for two weeks and then is home for two weeks so she often finds herself alone with her kids. We're going to go dog walking at some point this week. It is -3 here today so hopefully it will warm out a bit. Yes... I am from the West Coast so am a little bit of a wimp when it comes to cold weather.
Still recovering from my emotional set back last week. Been thinking a lot about life after divorce and it has increased my anxiety a little bit. Preparing myself for the summer when my H is planning to have some fun dating. I am dreading the day when my kids come home and start talking about "Daddy's new friend". Trying not to think about it too much but also want to be prepared for when it happens. All of the OLD discussions on here have not helped. I really did not want to have to go down this road at this stage in my life. I don't think I can love anyone as much as I loved my H...especially now that my heart has been broken and I've experienced that kind of betrayal that I have. I just can't see me ever being that vulnerable with anyone again. I never, ever want to feel this way again. Makes me sad as I've always viewed my ability to be vulnerable with people as a strength. Now I think it is one of my biggest weaknesses...that and my tendency to trust people.
My BIL likes to point out to my sister and I that we were raised in a way that makes us easy targets for people and that we tend to overlook a lot of warning signs because of our belief that people are basically good. My BILs experiences in life have taught him the opposite - that you really shouldn't trust anyone until they have given you good reason to. He is a jaded guy BUT he and my sister are approaching their 24th wedding anniversary and they have more disagreements in a week than my H and I had in a year. So he is jaded but he is also loyal, honest and committed. He also really values having a family. My sister says he would also never leave her because her family is his family and he couldn't stand not to have me and my brother in his life. My H does not have that same attachment to family - mine or his. He is avoiding them all at this point and spends most of his time with people who have known him for less than two years. Sad.
