You really should read that book LH recommended. The author also has companion vids on YouTube. His way is not the only way, but he is good at explaining relationship dynamics and helping people not mess it up.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
TF...yeah, agreed...I picked that up some months ago and got through a good bit of it, but as there wasn't someone else at that time...I set it aside. I know he has his supporters and critics, but I do believe there is some good information in there overall.
Between BD/my sitch and this new scenario... so much of this stuff just doesn't make sense to me...can't lie getting off the playing field still at times seems like the best decision.
More I've thought about this new relationship, the more I think I have to go no initiating texting, calling or email. Let her come after me and if she doesn't, just keep going. Seems so counter intuitive to what I think I should be doing....where have I heard that before??
So, I decided to go back a bit and read your sitch since I last posted to it.
Correct me if I am wrong, but you have been dating this girl for a WEEK?!? You are calling it an R and you are seeing a future? I just read some posts from you about 2 weeks ago where you were kind of pining for your wife.
I am scared for you. I am not going to lie. You are just getting to know eachother and the way you write, I would think it would have been atleast months of seeing her.
What's the rush? Why so hot and heavy in a week? Pet names? Asking for goodnight calls? Speaking of relationships?
Am I missing something here???
The smartest thing I did was give myself some time where I was totally done with my ex and not involved with anyone else, just living my life. Savoring that time. Focus directly on me and my daughter, not if I am messing up a new R or what have you. Just GAL, raise my child, build my career, spend time with friends, get some new hobbies...... That time was invaluable to me.
We have only been talking for two weeks. She FB friended me one day, texted me and called me that night. We both took it light speed for sure. If I did call it an R, that was not intentional and just a bad choice of words. New acquaintance would be more appropriate. And yeah, if I did say a future...guilty as charged. One thing though, it has been months since I've been pining for my wife. Sad that D was inevitable, yes. Sad about the loss of my D's family, yep. But definitely not at all interested in my wife.
She and I got WAY ahead of ourselves for sure. She took the lead on it and now has hit the brakes and rightly so.
There should be no rush, it just happened. For sure there's no rush now. There were no i love you's or confessions or you're the one, stuff like that but we did get quick into good night/good morning calls and texts. And while we never said exclusive or anything like that, we did tell the other we wanted to get to know each other together if that makes sense.
You aren't missing anything, perhaps believing it was a bit more over the top than how the first week went but mostly right on. To be honest I thought we'd text, email back and forth for a few weeks before even talking on the phone, but we hit that stage the first day when she called me.
So I feel like I have been done with my ex for many months now and have done with my D just as you described, living my life not really pursuing anyone. My IC is aware of this new person, she believes that I am far enough along to be able to get to know this new person. Does she know how fast this whole thing has gone, no, but that is only because I have not seen her again since it took off. And as yet there have been no in person dates, there is distance (2 hours) that is a factor in this along with me having my D4.
Look I'm not oblivious to what you are rightly saying. In fact WOAH BUDDY, I totally agree with that. We got out of the gate the first week from her aggressive approach and I went with it. Now she is hitting the brakes and I definitely know that is the absolute best thing for the two of us to be doing.
I really do appreciate your 2x4's Ginger! Had she not come to me with interest, I would still be riding along finishing up my D doing nothing more, but as she did and I was interested in the person I found, I couldn't not see where it led.
I do agree with those rules you use and have already started using them. And yes, she is (to me at least) way younger and you are right she does see me as you describe. When we met and she asked about my job and I told her she said “oh you don’t have a job, you have a career!” It surprised her I guess because so many guys aren’t stable/settled in employment. Was funny to me to hear that.
B, I've been dating my GF for 4 years now, and dated a couple of other young ladies before her. So I have some perspective on the dynamic of dating someone who is basically from a different generation. A lot of these young women are used to dating boys (I am not going to call them men, and I am not talking about age, some of them are in their 30's) who have never grown up. They lack a strong father figure and they're not being raised as men, they're basically being left alone in their rooms to do whatever they please, which is typically playing video games and living on social media. Their relationships with the opposite sex are mostly texting, and when they do get together these boys typically expect the woman to decide where they are going and what they are going to do. They don't even understand the basics of being a gentleman such as dressing nice, opening doors for their date, picking up the check, pulling their chair out, helping them with their coat, etc. If they work at all it's usually whatever odd job lands in their lap. The reason many of these young women look to date older men is because they are sick and tired of all the immature crap. They want the opposite of that. Part of the allure is you are experienced, professional, aloof, busy. In short- MYSTERIOUS. So constant texting is not going to flip her switches, she can get that from a dozen boys. You need to be different.
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Thing is from the start she was the one to call even FT, now she has cut back on that, but then earlier this week she wanted me to call her to say good night.
Sometimes my GF absolutely blows up my phone and sometimes she goes radio silent for hours or even days. When she goes radio silent it feels like she doesn't care. I mentioned that to her once early on and she said that she thinks about me constantly, especially when we're not texting back and forth. In fact she said the less we text the more she's thinking about me and fantasizing. So yeah, if she's not texting you that is not a bad thing. It doesn't mean she quit caring, could be quite the opposite. But you've got to resist the temptation to temp check her.
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Almost like she’s testing me saying “ok, I told him this was an issue, let’s see if he has fixed it and can handle it”.
She could be. But here's the thing, you need to quit sitting at home fretting about what it all means and just get out and GAL. Go work out or something. Sometimes I don't reply to my GF's texts for hours, but it's not because I'm trying to be mysterious or whatever, it's because I'm legitimately busy. Don't wait for her to text or call. Just do your thing, and when she texts then text back later when you have time. Because that is her perception of you anyway (that you are a busy man with a full life) and why she is attracted to you in the first place.
Originally Posted by ballast
The whole one/two text deal...makes me feel like the primary way we had to communicate day to day has dried up. Very mechanical now from how it was pre "Overwhelming" By that I mean..."How was your day?" <time_passes> "it was pretty good" <time_passes> "how was your's?" <time_passes> "could have been better" And while I enjoy any communication with her, this back and forth is boring and gonna kill any excitement we might have between us over time.
I try to avoid really generic talk like that. I'll ask her specific questions, like recently I found out about a haunted house show going on in a few weeks and mentioned it to her and asked if she wanted to go, what night and such. Her daughter is a girl scout and I asked how many boxes of cookies they've sold so far. She said she's working on a knitting project so I asked her about it and asked her to send me pictures. Stuff like that is more interesting and personal. But again, I let her drive the pace. I don't initiate many texts, I let her.
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so in my mind i wandering if she is like "will he call me, why hasn't he called me" as we've not talked, i decide just before bed to call...
But you WANT her thinking things like that! Remember, by mysterious!
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anyway i'm frustrated...for the first 10 days of knowing each other I thought we had wonderful open communication on text/phone...now I'm "robot world" with text, she has basically stopped calling, but she is still calling me hon/sweetie on text, says she's excited about us and other good things...this morning i decided not to text her good morning, hope you have a good day. i've been doing that every morning for like a week and i'm just thinking that being so reliable is gonna get me good guy zoned/no challenge/no need for pursuit from her and maybe that everyday is a bit much. i really do like her a great deal especially how we've communicated up to now...just feeling frustrated because I don't feel we have a way to get to know one another like we did initially.
Sounds like NGS kicking in. Be the alpha. Quit being so available. Pull back. She'll probably start pursuing, and if she doesn't then she's not as interested as you thought and it's time to look elsewhere.
Ballast I don't think I've posted to you before but when I saw how fast you were jumping in I had the same reaction as ginger. I see this so much here. The LBS is so hurt and so broken up that anyone who shows interest helps to heal those wounds. It's just a bad bad idea. The rule of no dating for 6 months minimum if not a year is a great one, yet many don't want to heed it. They then rationalize how they've been done for six months (even though they have not) and all of the reasons why this 6 month rule should not apply to them. Could you really be a healthy partner right now? Honestly? And why let someone else decide your life? She came in so you just had to go with it? Why? Now she pumps the breaks so only then are you slowing down because she forced it? Why can't you decide these things? It's because it's too soon.
When in it we really can't see it. When outside we can. The last thing you need right now is some girl 15 years younger two hours away. Sure it feels great but it won't help you in the long run. And lightening speed is an understatement. You are whole and good and worthy without soneone. Take the time for you. Don't get into a new R so soon
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Being realistic, 2 hours away and a 4 year old with someone you barely know.......
Another person can not heal you. I read where you said "it's amazing how all could change on a drop of a dime" You were speaking if your depression and then a woman showed interest and all of a sudden it's gone and things are changed? What that really puts you in danger of is if you don't slow down, if it ends abruptly, you are in danger of falling even in a deeper depression.
Don's post is excellent.
Just because she showed interest, doesn't mean you are ready.
I have been exactly where you are. That's why I speak to it so strongly. I know the high of someone showing interest and it taking you out of depression and wanting to throw yourself into it. I also know the extreme low of when you get so involved and what was covering up something underlying is taken away from you, and it is plain awful.
Stander...thank you for the comments you've provided. They are always insightful and helpful and given how your sitch in some ways is similiar to mine, what you say makes total sense. I was raised in the South. Traditional roles of man/woman and of courtship. The man courted/pursued the lady, the man won the lady's heart, happily ever after. Sadly I believe a very inaccurate depiction of modern day relationships/dating between men and women. The whole idea of my being mysterious, unavailable, etc...I do get the I'm experienced, successful, busy man to win, but compared to my upbringing so much of what works seems so "unempowering" to the man. As with my texting beliefs, clearly society knows better than I and so on this topic as well I'll do my best to understand and learn. It just seems unnatural to me is all. A GF of mine who knows of this new lady told me, unless/until she asks you a question by text, email or phone, sends you a selfie, something...leave her alone. Basically this:
"Be the alpha. Quit being so available. Pull back. She'll probably start pursuing, and if she doesn't then she's not as interested as you thought and it's time to look elsewhere."
That I can do. For myself that is the single best thing I will do. What I've done to now has been all wrong.
DonH...I always appreciate when anyone new provides comments to me so thank you! I hear what you are saying, although I haven't been so hurt, so broken as to try and dive into OLD or ask ladies out or anything like that. I have been perfectly content to ride along by myself with D4...until she came along. Of what I knew/saw...I had to see where it leads. Where it has led so far was WAY faster than I expected. I honestly can't even say how many months I've been over my WW. It has been quite some time for sure simply because she has completely been a ghost to me for a year now. Do I believe that I could be a healthy partner right now? Yes, I do. I only say that because of the fact that I have been working for the past year in IC who has told me in her opinion I am at the point where I could do so IF! the right healthy partner for me came along. Why did I have to? Looks, highly educated, similar interests up front. Going past the looks, other than the light speed with which we progressed, she has shown me many personality/communication traits of a healthy partner. That she has actually recognized our crazy speed and pulled back, even that I take as showing maturity. Is it too soon? Possibly so. Am I whipping around because she went full throttle and then hit the brakes, yep. I am strong enough to know that I can decide these things. As Stander stated above, I can control the pace of this getting to know process if I just let her go. And honestly I'm ok and accepting if she walks. I honestly don't know where or if this new interest will lead anywhere. She is not a random whom I fell head over heels for to heal my broken heart. Was it a crazy start? Yep. Is it maybe just the first real lady exp since my WW, maybe so. I just know with this one, I have to give it a shot even while being mindful of the risks.
