DV! Great to see you posting your progress. Take it one day at a time, and each day do something for yourself and your kids. Focus on that! That's what life is about, right? Being OK, and helping your kids be OK! They really go hand in hand too. Great idea going to the salon! I bet you look fantastic!
If you happen to hit any speed bumps, don't worry. Soon you will be able to navigate those obstacles and glide over those speed bumps instead of smacking them full force. Nothing but smoother roads ahead of you!!!!!!
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
Kind of a tough night but not devastatingly so. My H came over to talk about a couple sticking points in our SA. The one that we were most stuck on is the date of our separation. He says May 1st is when he moved out (in his mind) and I, of course, disagree because I didn’t realize he was gone until the middle of September. Anyway, I told him I could not agree to support a lie and he got really upset saying that we would just start from scratch then in terms of what he was offering me. He stormed out saying we had nothing to talk about. I followed him out and I asked him if he was trying to blackmail me into agreeing to the date. He said no but that he just wants everything to be done and be divorced before the summer and finally admitted it is because he wants to date. He accused me of trying to hang onto him and I told him I was just trying to give myself some adjustment time.
Anyway...long story short, we ended up talking for quite awhile. He came back inside and we talked a bit more. He said there are a lot of things that he would like to apologize to me for but that I wouldn’t let him because I had told him that sorry doesn’t mean anything coming from him. I asked him if there are anymore lies that I need to know about and he said a decisive no. So I asked him if I went over to his place and introduced myself to his “roommate”, that would be okay. He told me to go right ahead and that it was not a problem at all. I told him the whole thing is just weird and he said it isn’t because of the rental market in town and that I should go on Craig’s List and see for myself. He’s not wrong there. My sister and I rented out a tiny bachelor suite in a rental we own for $650 a month. We had 75 applicants in two days. Anyway... I am giving him what he wants. We have agreed to work on our parenting relationship and try to make things less awkward for our kids. We are planning to do something with them on the Family Day stat.
I remember some of my early conversations with the Xw. It felt like an out of body experience and I could not understand how someone I had been with for 17 years could be so cold and indifferent. It still baffles me to this day. If you can get a place where you can have mutual respect for one another then your kids will adjust and be just fine. Early on we did not do much together because I couldn’t emotionally take it. I would advise to only do things you are comfortable with early on. Hang in there!
Dangit....I'm going to suggest you don't do this again.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
He said there are a lot of things that he would like to apologize to me for but that I wouldn’t let him because I had told him that sorry doesn’t mean anything coming from him.
Translation: "I'm dealing with my guilt, but I'm not ready to accept responsibility, so it's your fault."
Just a couple areas to improve on, but overall I think you are doing quite well. You can't always make sense of everything he is doing, but you're doing a good job of keeping your focus on you.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I get where you are coming from Ovrrnbw. I think I just need to get it over with and let him do what he thinks he needs to do. I need to move forward and start rebuilding my life. It’s gonna take some time. My H is all gung ho to get out there again and replace me. I, on the other hand, feel sick to my stomach just thinking about it. I have never in my life had “trust issues” but I have them now... and a broken heart.
Despite everything, it was helpful to talk with him and hear some of the things he had to say. I do think he is trying to be a good person and doing the best for me that he feels he can do. He was not cold or indifferent. He was just him... looking forward to his life...without me. I need to do the same.
That sounds like a really hard conversation. They do get easier with time, but that is probably of little consolation to you right now.
I do hear you still hanging on to him in your conversation. Why are you fighting over the date of separation? That is a personal one to me because I want to go to my WW and basically ask her to lie so that we can file for D sooner. If he wants out, what is the point of fighting him on that point?(excuse me because I don't remember the difference between the May and September dates). Also, why are you asking him if he is still lying about the "roommate?" If he had been lying a about it, would he really admit it now? Also, even if he told you the truth, would it really change things? Those things are sending clear signals to H that you are still clinging on to him.
You are right it is a process and it is going to take time, and you need to keep the focus on you, your kids, and your future. The more you can limit communication and contact with him the easier that will be. Obviously you need to work together as co-parents, but I would try to limit my conversations to that.
Hang in there. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Thanks Davide. I am not fighting the date of separation or anything else. My H and I have never really “talked” since BD. This was kind of the first time. The significance is that he was leading a double life and pretending to live at home until I found out in mid-September.
I am letting him go. I know it might not seem like it given what I wrote but it is what is happening. Time has helped. I am not done grieving or reached 100% detachment. I am a lot closer despite my sadness over yesterday. All part of the process, I think. I am not trying to save my marriage. I am moving forward. There are better days ahead.
Stayed home from work today. First time since BD that I just couldn’t go in. Tears started to build when I dropped my kids off at school so I called my sister to see if she could distract me and instead, when I heard her voice, I just lost it. She told me to turn around and drive home and showed up at my place with a coffee and a hug. I had a headache as well so decided to call in sick. I don’t see this wave of sadness as taking a step back... rather, I am seeing it as a stop forward... shaking off the remnants of a buried hope that my H might change his mind and try to rebuild our MR. He’s not going to. He is steadfast. I must be too.
Only able to stay for half of my work day today. I have a headache that won’t seem to go away... combined with a heartache that is also really stubborn. I think the finality of everything is finally sinking in and it is bringing up fresh feelings of grief that I had tried to bury. This must be what it feels like to lose all hope. Seeing my H’s desperation to divorce me has set me back a bit. Not completely, thank goodness as I am not a puddle on the floor the way I was the first couple of months. I have let go of the bitterness and the anger. Yes, he made most of the decisions that made this situation so difficult to come back from but we both had a hand in the deterioration of our marriage.I should have done something when I sensed that I was losing him but I wasn’t brave enough. Forgiving myself is going to take longer than I thought. He was the love of my life and I lost him. So...no more resentment or poisonous thoughts...just deep, unadulterated sadness and regret.
