Thanks. I have planned on only helping her once. I will always help my kids and support them. I will decline to help her again. Money seems to be her motivating factor.
I thought I had detached pretty well. Then....boom it hits again. I guess detachment takes time for the LBS.
The only problem I see here is that you are focusing on how your choice affected your W.
When you posted your idea about the groceries, we all chimed in about providing for your kids. No one here would have said to buy her stuff to affect her behavior or to change her. That is not possible.
And I still think you should buy your kids groceries no matter what she does, if you think they don't have what they need. And if your wife needed food for herself and you saw that, I think you should feed her then too. Likewise any enemy.
But if it's a matter of your kids having nine kinds of granola bars or just one kind -- e.g., if she can afford fruit and vegetables and to keep them fed even if it'll be rice and beans and eggs, then let her handle the groceries at her house and you can get them all the special stuff at yours.
If I didn't buy groceries, my kids would not eat. I buy it all, even if it's not fair.
As far as the gifts -- sentimental notes may put a lot of pressure. Little useful gifts, who knows? Trying to strategize seems to me to be a losing battle, it will make you crazy to try to figure out what will "work," since these MLCers change constantly. I try not to think about that and only about my need to protect myself somewhat and my main goal, to please God, not try to change or affect my H. (In secular terms, that would be, "To stay true to my beliefs, no matter what H does.")
I try to respect my (so far, still in-house) H's need for space, but I do continue to give him small things at 3 times a year -- X-Mas, Valentine's and his birthday. I leave a simple note and a tiny gift at our anniversary. I do this as a wife but also because my kids like to see us as a family, they are happy that his stocking is filled or that his place at the Valentine'sDay breakfast table has a couple little small gifts.
Maybe your sending a gift p!sses her off. But maybe in the long run, it's better to keep doing it anyway. I have read just as many testimonies from returned spouses saying that the continued kindness was something they secretly loved, even when they lashed out about it, as I have read admonitions from these boards saying to stop giving gifts.
What I do is -- when I want to give a gift, I do. When I don't, I don't. Likewise anything else. If I want to invite him to eat with us, I do; and if I don't have it in me, I don't. Sometimes when I don't have it in me to be kind, I pray for that grace, and then I am able to offer. Sometimes I don't get that grace and I stay silent. Tonight I am doing laundry and for some reason I feel like adding my H's in and folding it nicely afterwards. Usually, lately at least, I don't want to do his laundry or even come near any of his things, so I don't. And sometimes when I do his laundry, he will not only NOT thank me, but tell me not to do something "next time" -- e.g., don't dry this or that shirt. I just laugh about that. I know I can't please him. I go dark when I need to for myself, or grey. But when I am feeling stronger, l keep being a wife in small ways because my goal is to please God by loving unconditionally (and sometimes that means going dark!) and to surrender my H to him, knowing that I can't do anything to change H, only things to change myself.
Last edited by job; 02/17/1902:32 PM. Reason: edited a word
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
They are by no means starving. They had enough groceries for 2 weeks or so. I wanted to make sure they were taken care of though. I also got her valentines flowers, but no mushy note.
Our 13th anniversary is 3 weeks before our mediation. I don't know how to handle that. Our youngest child's birthday is the week after anniversary. I don't want the association of bday with our divorce, but no options unless it goes to court......or we settle well after mediation.
Purchasing groceries we asked for assistance was nice, but there comes a time, that you need to rethink doing so. If you purchased groceries for two weeks, then they should last just about two weeks. I would stock up on groceries at your place of the things that your children most likely will not get at the home, i.e., if wife doesn't have or can't manage her money to purchase them.
You purchased gift cards for her. You've purchased flowers for her. Now, it's time to step back, detach a bit more and since she has specifically stated don't buy her gifts, etc., then don't. Sending flowers made her feel guilty for what she's doing and she doesn't like that feeling.
As for the anniversary, unless she recognizes the day, I wouldn't or I would get a card that isn't mushy. No gifts, no flowers, nothing but a card and if I were in your shoes, no card...but that's me.
As for your child's birthday, plan something fun for the child. You may extend an invitation to your wife, but she most likely may do something herself or expect you to pay for the entire party. You have to think of your child and what would be the best way to recognize his/her birthday.
I know you are a good provider for your children, but you have to step back just a wee bit and not get roped in when you wife says she has no money. The welfare of your children is most important at this time. As for your wife...she needs to learn how to manage her money properly and not rely on you to continue to rescue her even if you are headed to separation/divorce.
No more gifts to wifey! Cards are to be generic. If gifts need to be given, they come from the children.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Not much has happened since my last check in. W and I haven't spoken. She was dropping off kids bags at my place and I was dropping off at my (her) house. Now she's made a deal with the school to drop bags off there. So now we must walk the hallways with suitcases in hand for all to see. It's quite embarrassing.
Kids counselor called me and the youngest has been a complete emotional mess. The oldest is on the autism spectrum and the behaviors (that have been absent for years) are now manifesting again. I need to find some additional help for her.
I have spoken to all of W's family, they haven't talked to her since Christmas time. I guess this is the new norm for an I definite time.
House has showings but nothing solid. Mediation is in 5 weeks and it will be awarded to me. That's not what I want so may push mediation back another month or so. Would also let the kids finish the school year there.
I continue to surround myself with positivity, have a great group of friends and work colleagues. They are a blessing......
Walking around school with suitcases is heartbreaking
You cannot control w
So here is what I would do
Buy them everything they need to stay with you
Clothing and toiletries and school supplies
Duplicates of everything if necessary
Then they only have to bring normal stuff to school
They may forget something sometimes
But all the basics will be covered
Take care of them
Spare no expense
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
There is no need for you or the children to be ashamed of walking around with suitcases. Just imagine the comments and looks they got.
Duplicate what they have at home or even better...get them something totally different so that they have something to look forward to when they are at your place.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hamburg, I notice such a vast change in you since you started posting. You are healing even though you have to go through this horrible fire.
I agree so much with Gordie -- I always agree with Gordie! And Job's idea to get them things that are special just to your house makes it even better.
I would involve them in that -- you can say that you want them to pick out stuff to keep at your house because it's their home and they don't have to bring suitcases to their own home. Spend a Saturday shopping for things. You have something that a lot of us LBS's don't, to help with some of the pain, that that is a big budget! I have often thought how much easier this would all be on my kids if I could take them fun places or get them things they really need/want, but my sitch has caused dire financial woes, as my H hasn't contributed since BD over five years ago. So use what you got -- your big heart and a little extra cash. Your W is not thinking of anything but her own comfort at drop-off, she is willing to weaponize your kids to get what she wants. All it reveals is how desperate she is not to face the pain she is causing all of you. But you can keep being the wonderful Hamburg that you are.
Last edited by Gerda; 03/05/1902:26 PM.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Told her I refuse to pick up bags at school, as it may negatively affect the kids. She agreed and let me in the house to get then. Brought the kids in to say goodbye to her for the week.
Shes flat broke and let me know. I kept quiet. She asked me to help with daycare during spring break, which is her week. I kept quiet but will keep them with me an extra 2 days. She wants to talk about the house and delaying mediation (my idea) in person. As we left she started to tear up. I feel bad but can't let myself get hooked again.
Shes being nice, sending me text updates about the kids and her job. I cant help but think shes only looking out for herself.
Meanwhile I have some fun things planned for the kids spring break. I'm excited.
