New here, I've been reading quite a bit on the forums the past few days and decided to finally post about my situation.
Sorry for the wall of text, a lot of it is backstory leading up to ILYBNILWY and the time since
To start, I am 30 and she is 29, we have been together for 12 1/2 years and married for just over 2. No kids of our own.
The start of the journey that lead up to this was about a year before our wedding, we decided to move in with some friends to help save money for our wedding. Within 2 months the couple we moved in with separated and this caused all kinds of hell in the house. We put up with it to get through to our wedding, once we got married we started saving to move out on our own. The whole time we were living there though put extreme amounts of stress on me and I started a descent into depression. Fast forward to November of 17 we finally found a place and were ready to move out. I was so excited to be out of the roommate situation...... but then her phone rings, its her best friend since middle school who was wanting out of her abusive relationship with her 2 kids, she had no where to go and no job. We took her in, and right back into a situation I was so desperately wanting out of. We got her a job quickly, but we had to watch her kids on the weekends so she could work. 6 months goes by, and she moves out. We continued to watch the kids on the weekends, and it felt like she was at the house everyday, almost like she didn't move out. It was getting to me.
Through all this I worked nights (tues-fri) and she worked nights (sun-wens) so the only real time we had together was saturday and it was spent with me being exhausted and watching kids. She kept trying to get me to go out on saturday nights but I couldn't because I would stay up after work with her and the kids. I was expressing myself that we need to do something about not having the kids on saturday so we can do things together. She fought back and said that I can't blame me not wanting to do anything on the kids. I would simply say "You can't get a babysitter for the babysitter"
So I took matters into my own hands and applied and got a transfer to day shift. This would give me Thurs & fri night with her and I wouldn't be exhausted saturday nights. Win/Win.......
But, I was in such a bad state of depression that I made some stupid decisions and some impulse purchases that I shouldn't have. I always handled the bills and have never done this before but I wasn't thinking straight. And these purchases ended up causing bills to get behind to the point that my truck got repossessed and she didn't know about the situation, she always held me to high standards and I wanted to tell her but didn't know how as I was scared that she wouldn't look at me the same, and this is where it all began.
No additionally, I would get irritable towards her for no reason and I couldn't for the life of me understand why. After all this happened I found out it's because of my Hypothyroidism that I haven't been on my meds for for the last 3 years.
Anyway, come thanksgiving I stayed at home by myself while she went out of town to family as I had to work thanksgiving day. It was this day that I found out she was looking to divorce. She came back home the next day and I asked her about it, and that was when I was hit with the ILYBNILWY and it hit my like a sack of potatoes. I broke down, all the emotions that I was holding in from depression came out.
The next day I woke up feeling like a new person, and was instantly performing 180's on my bad behaviors. We talked about it and agreed to work on it. She moved into the guest room, and only stayed in there 2 or 3 days and was then back in the MBR. Things seemed great, until just after Xmas, I found out she told her mom it was never going to work.
So we talked about it again, I asked her why she made it seem like things were getting better and how it made me feel like I was being "led on". She agreed and said it was wrong of her. But even so, nothing changed, she continued to stay in the MBR, we celebrated NYE together. This whole time I continued with the changes I had made right after i was hit with the ILYBNILWY, and she said she noticed them and likes the changes I made. 2 more weeks go by of the same behavior.
She then suddenly goes back to the guest room, when asked she said it's because the bed is more comfy (it has a mem foam pad) and is better for her back (she's been in back pain for a while), so I said ok. 2 days go by and she hits me with the I still want a divorce, and then asked me what she wants to do about the rings.
She had always called me babe, and after this day it was instantly stopped. It was like a switch had flipped.
She knows my stance on the situation and that I want to reconcile our differences. So last weekend we were watching a movie together with her friend and I had my spot on the couch that I was laying on, I stepped away for a few minutes and came back and she had moved into my spot. I kindly asked for it back, and she was like "but i just got warm and comfy" to which I replied "Well, you know I would cuddle up with you, but you don't want that". After which she thought about it and moved. 10-15 minutes goes by and she gets up and comes over and cuddles up with me. Later that night we had sex and had slept together in the guest room. (At this point she said no more cuddling and the sex was just that, sex)
Then this weekend comes up, and she's been talking to me and calling me a mix between my name and "babe" she also makes a comment while talking about actors saying "you know how couples get a free pass if they can get with a celebrity they want, yea you would be in trouble" (I'm here thinking I'm already in trouble) I brush it off and don't say anything. We again sit down to watch a movie with her friend, this time I sit in the middle where she was last time keeping about a foot distance from her, when about 15-20 minutes into the movie she slides over and cuddles up to me again. We both slept in the MBR that night and the following night.
So basically at this point I don't really know what's going on. I started today the process of detaching, limiting my conversations with her to only if she initiates it. And spent the day working on some projects I've been needing to complete for some time now. She seemed to have noticed me backing away because she asked me "what's up with you" in which I replied with a smile "Nothing" to the response of "Um Hmm"
I know I made the mistakes along the last 2 months of trying to discuss it with her (I didn't know that until the last few days of reading here, so that has come to a stop)
Anyway, I'm looking for any guidance. I really want to make this work with her but I know I must also focus on myself.
M(32) W(30) Together 12yrs Married 2yrs ILYBNILWY 11/23/18 EA Discovered 3/20/19
In House separation 11/26/18 - 11/29/18 & 1/10/19-3/20/19 W Moved out 3/20/19 M Moved out 5/31/19 W Filed for D 3/3/2020
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
sorry you're here. My initial reaction is that you guys aren't good with boundaries. You guys adopted a family and let it ruin your life.
On the financial situation, own up to the mistake, learn from it, and 180 there. Save first, spend second. Allocate all savings and investments for your goals first while paying your monthly expenses, then spend after that.
Next, you have to start making changing and not running to her to "talk" every time something isn't going right in this marriage. You aren't going to talk your way out of this and she probably doesn't want to support you like this anymore. You're going to need to detach. This means you don't depend on her for everything anymore and you aren't affected by her anymore. She goes to the guest bedroom? Oh well.
The cuddling and sex is mixed signals. But you can't be trying to read into it right now because you just won't be able to decipher it.
Originally Posted by mikeyb
Then this weekend comes up, and she's been talking to me and calling me a mix between my name and "babe" she also makes a comment while talking about actors saying "you know how couples get a free pass if they can get with a celebrity they want, yea you would be in trouble" (I'm here thinking I'm already in trouble)
I'd be worried. Most folks here have a wayward spouse. This is pinging my radar in the wrong direction.
Originally Posted by mikeyb
So basically at this point I don't really know what's going on. I started today the process of detaching, limiting my conversations with her to only if she initiates it. And spent the day working on some projects I've been needing to complete for some time now. She seemed to have noticed me backing away because she asked me "what's up with you" in which I replied with a smile "Nothing" to the response of "Um Hmm"
Great. Keep posting and reading here. You're off to a great start.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
A few things I forgot to add into the original post: -We did get the truck back after 2 days. -We are caught back up on financials -She took the rings off last week (And they are hanging on a necklace by the mirror in the MBR bathroom so I have to see them everytime I walk in there)
As for today, I came home from work, she was in the guest bedroom (no surprise) I took a shower and then cooked dinner. She came out to eat and started small talk, asked me how my day was, in which I simply responded "busy" she then went on to talk about how her night at work was last night, I just listened. I then cleaned up from dinner, she got ready for work, she said goodnight, see you tomorrow and now here I am
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Mikey,
sorry you're here. My initial reaction is that you guys aren't good with boundaries. You guys adopted a family and let it ruin your life.
It does suck to be here, but I'll make it through one way or another. As for the adopted family, that is basically exactly it, we had continued to watch her kids for her after she moved out. When things started getting on edge with me and the W I had taken on an extra day out of my weekend watching the kids myself instead of us both watching them on saturday. This freed us for some quality time, but it was too little too late. That continued until 2 weeks ago when her friend got a baby sitter for the whole weekend as she was seeing what it was doing to us.
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
On the financial situation, own up to the mistake, learn from it, and 180 there. Save first, spend second. Allocate all savings and investments for your goals first while paying your monthly expenses, then spend after that.
I own my mistake and have learned from my actions, I have set a course to correct it and we have since fully recovered in less than 2 months, we are still running on a tight budget which doesn't make her very happy since she doesn't have extra money to spend when she'd like to but that's just what we have to deal with for a little bit while we build up some savings.
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Next, you have to start making changing and not running to her to "talk" every time something isn't going right in this marriage. You aren't going to talk your way out of this and she probably doesn't want to support you like this anymore. You're going to need to detach. This means you don't depend on her for everything anymore and you aren't affected by her anymore. She goes to the guest bedroom? Oh well.
As far as talking to her about the marriage I am past that and will patiently wait, in the mean time I'm focusing on me. As for the guest bedroom I'm ok with it now. I wasn't at first and couldn't even sleep in the MBR, was on the couch for about 2 weeks. I have since gone back to the MBR
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
The cuddling and sex is mixed signals. But you can't be trying to read into it right now because you just won't be able to decipher it.
Not trying to decipher anything coming from her at the moment, both verbally and physically. As I haven't got the slightest clue as to what she's got running through her head, and really don't want to know until she's certain she knows.
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
I'd be worried. Most folks here have a wayward spouse. This is pinging my radar in the wrong direction.
It was said jokingly, and I'm certain there is nobody else. And if there is she's being very good at hiding it. She doesn't show any signs that somebody else is involved, she hardly leaves the house except for work, she's not hiding her phone from me, etc...
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Great. Keep posting and reading here. You're off to a great start.
Thanks, I will be here frequently.
M(32) W(30) Together 12yrs Married 2yrs ILYBNILWY 11/23/18 EA Discovered 3/20/19
In House separation 11/26/18 - 11/29/18 & 1/10/19-3/20/19 W Moved out 3/20/19 M Moved out 5/31/19 W Filed for D 3/3/2020
Ah she took off the ring. That means she is free of her marriage vows. The modern take on marriage makes me want to puke. I promise to be true to you, until it's hard and then I quit and am free to be a disgusting, selfish person. Of course, no one has the guts to say that part in front of friends, family, and God. So if she has her ring off, who is it, exactly, that you are cooking food for?
Originally Posted by mikeyb
It does suck to be here, but I'll make it through one way or another.
Yes you will. Great attitude!
Originally Posted by mikeyb
we are still running on a tight budget which doesn't make her very happy since she doesn't have extra money to spend when she'd
She should work more if she wants more money. Don't be Mr. Moneybags for her anymore. Also, I'm happy to read you go things fixed on the financial side. That's what a smart, strong person would do.
Originally Posted by mikeyb
It was said jokingly, and I'm certain there is nobody else.
Most people here were totally blindsiding by the other person involved in their spouses life. I hope what you say is true.
What's new in your world as far as GAL?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Mikeyb, saw your thread the other day but didn't get a chance to read through the whole thing. I think you are reacting too much to her, and not acting from a place of knowledge. Let give you an example:
You go into detail about your bad behavior. You find out she is looking into D, you confront, she BDs you with the ILYBIAMNILWY, and you immediately change.
When WAWs get to the point where they are considering D, and they ILYBIAMNILWY bomb you, this didn't happen over night. The WAW goes on that journey over a long period of time. In fact, usually it takes about a year for the WAW to give up on the marriage. And another year before they BD their LBH. You may have shortcut that a bit by being the one to find out about her desire to D and initiating BD, but the point is that she has been headed that direction for at least a year, if NOT 2 years!
The flakiness you are seeing is very consistent with most WAWs here. During that 1-2 years they are very susceptible to OM. It very well could be she has one, either as an EA and/or a PA. I would do some recon to try and find out because if she is in an active PA that jeopardizes your health! You need to know. I would stop all sexual activity until you are sure she is not in a PA.
You have already gotten some good advice otherwise. Detach. It sounds like you are doing fairly well here. When a WAW starts asking "what's wrong" then they have noticed that you are giving the space they have asked for. That is not a bad thing. Loving detachment WILL be noticed. And staying friendly, upbeat, and present, like it sounds like you are, is the key. But not allowing her emotions, actions and words to have an emotional impact on you will get her attention.
GAL. Do not skimp on this. Get into IC. When she asks about it: "I realize that some of the underlying issues that caused me to behave the way I did need to be addressed professionally." Rarely will a WAW, that is still on the fence, react negatively to their LBH trying to improve himself. Take up new things, rekindle old friendships (with other guys!), be busy!
And keep up the 180s. You know what got you here, you did a good job detailing it. Make sure you do not let your guard down on the 180s. One slip back to the old MIkey can undo weeks and months of hard work.
One thing I am noticing is a tendency on your part to rationalize your mistakes. 180 on that. Own your mistakes. You screwed up and got your truck repo'd. You can claim temporary insanity or whatever defense you alluded to above. DON'T DO THAT. OWN IT. You screwed up. Be stand up about it. You admit trying to hide it from her. Look at every great fall in history, rarely was it the first mistake that brought the individual down. It was the cover up. Look at David and Bathsheeba. David's sin with Bathsheeba was adultery. She got pregnant. He then murdered Uriah, her husband, to try to cover it up (after trying to use Uriah to cover it up himself). OWN YOUR MISTAKES. Don't excuse them or try to minimize them by explaining them away.
We all get to choose. None of our choices are out of our control. Own your choices, good or bad.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
To me detachment means letting go of outcomes. I don't control the outcome so I shouldn't place my worth on the result. Doesn't mean stop caring, not trying, not having a plan, or giving up. I am solely in control of myself. If I do my best, I did all I could at the time then it has to be enough. I can learn from the experience and improve the process for future experiences.
How to practice detachment? Figure out the worst thing that could happen to you? (Spiers Doctrine - "The only hope you have is to accept the fact that you're already dead. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you'll be able to function as a soldier is supposed to function.") So the only thing that matters is are you doing the right thing. It easier to make a plan, take action and be brave when you aren't afraid of the outcome, you can't get hurt if you are already dead.
mikey, you have R2C posting in your thread. That is huge. Listen to him, the guy knows his stuff. Do the reading he sent (as well as Cadet's). Listen to him.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I feel pretty good today, while at work I read your guys replies and used that to decide what I was going to do when I got home. I left work at 3, and I have an hour drive home. On the way home I stopped off at a gym and started a membership. I will probably go tomorrow after work. Then once I got home at around 4:30, I went out back and dug out my bike, filled the tires up, grabbed my headphones and went for a nice bike ride around the neighborhood for about 45 minutes. This actually felt really good and helped put me in a better mood for when I got home and was around the wife.
I then got back to the house from my bike ride around 5:30, went into the MBR bathroom and seen the rings still there hanging by the mirror, so I took them down and put them away, didn't want those in my face anymore everytime I walked into there and to have an effect on me, I then grabbed my bluetooth speaker and threw on some tunes, took a shower and then the wife woke up afterwards.
She started small talk again like yesterday, by first asking how my day was. I responded simply with "rough" and left it at that, she then went the same route as yesterday by telling me how her night was and I listened with little input, besides acknowledging what she was saying.
I cooked dinner again (The reason I cook is because our budget is set around meals, and these meals are also leftovers for me to take to work the next day. It's more beneficial for me). While cooking she seen a old note on the fridge that was reminder for a doctors appoint and she asked what it was, I nicely said "It's old, erase it". And I got a similar response as before "ok cranky" to which I just smiled and laughed. She seemed taken back by that reaction. I finished cooking and sat down for dinner. I stayed pretty quiet while eating until she started the small talk again by asking what made my day so rough, so I told her the problems I had during the day and left it at that.
She then got ready for work and said goodbye, see you tomorrow. And that was that for today.
Additionally, about year and a half ago I stopped smoking and switched to vaping. I felt so much better with a few weeks of that. a few weeks ago she had asked me what I wanted to do about the ring and I got up and left the house, forgot my vape and ended up buying cigarettes again. I had basically been smoking again since then. So today I straight up went cold turkey against both cigarettes and my vape. So to have the kind of day I did while fighting a nicotine craving I'm filing this under a successful day.
------
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Ah she took off the ring. That means she is free of her marriage vows. The modern take on marriage makes me want to puke. I promise to be true to you, until it's hard and then I quit and am free to be a disgusting, selfish person. Of course, no one has the guts to say that part in front of friends, family, and God. So if she has her ring off, who is it, exactly, that you are cooking food for?
I agree on the ring part, that it should stay on until if and when the D is done. When I noticed it, I had just finished dinner and she ate in the guest room, I was at the kitchen table and I was literally sick to my stomach that I couldn't eat. And I cook only because it's part of our budget and benefits me twice by having the leftovers for work. While I do like cooking for her, I am currently not looking at it that way and am more so looking at how it benefits me.
As for GAL, like said above I took my bike out for a nice ride today and will start going to the gym. I'm hoping going to the gym will not only help me work out physically (I'm not in bad shape as is, I can never seem to gain weight, my wife and her best friend both say how I haven't change a bit physically from high school haha, literally If I shave completely I look half my age) but also help "work out" these emotions I got as well.
Originally Posted by Steve85
Mikeyb, saw your thread the other day but didn't get a chance to read through the whole thing. I think you are reacting too much to her, and not acting from a place of knowledge. ......
Steve, thanks for all that. Really helpful stuff. As for a PA/EA after she hit me with the ILYBINILWY I did some recon to see if there might be someone else involved. I was not able to see anything that showed signs of someone else. Even now I still continue to check for any signs but there just is nothing there that says hey, you weren't supposed to be here at this time, or who is this person you are texting/calling, or why are you hiding your phone she just doesn't show any of those signs
And your right, I do try to find a way to rationalize my mistakes. Even though I do own them, I still try to put a reason behind them. I need to just say I messed up and take responsibility, and leave it at that. Will work on that
I am also continuing on the 180 to the other things I started after BD. Those have been going very well, I feel great now with those. It's mostly been completing projects I'd start and not finish, cleaning up the house both in general and after myself, keeping a good personal image of myself, better organization, better financial habits. It's been these that I have been doing very well at and I've noticed the change as I feel better about myself from these. And there is still more work to be done with them.
