That is so strange that you would tell me to work on forgiving myself because you know what, I realized today that part of my not being able to forgive my H was because I hadn’t yet forgiven myself. So I made a choice to do that too. And that made forgiving him 100X easier.
Just got back from my D’s belt test. Last test was very close to BD and I remember sitting next to my H and feeling sick the whole time...and sad. Today was SO DIFFERENT. I didn’t feel sick at all or even bothered TBH. I was happy to see him. Afterwards we went back to my house and he got the kids’ stuff gathered up. He told me about a show that he has been wanting to tell me I should watch and told him about NMMNG. Said I thought he would get something out of reading it but it was up to him. Anyway...he left pretty quickly with the kids and I said “bye” to them and when I closed the door, I WAS JUST FINE!!! No tears. No sadness. Just me in my beautiful QUIET home with a pink/blue sunset view of the ocean. I AM BLESSED!!!
You told me that I could get to detachment with love and compassion and I’m not sure I’m completely there yet because I’ve had setbacks before BUT this feels like the closest I have gotten since all of this started. I AM OK. I love my H...probably always will...but I don’t feel scared or alone. I have so much to be thankful for...my beautiful kids, my family, my career which allows me to help other people, a bunch of old and new friends, a newfound energy and appreciation for life and a sense of excitement at what might be ahead of me... notice I said “what” and not “who”. I’m done with that. I’m not done with the idea of being in a loving relationship but I am done with the idea that in order for me to be happy, I NEED someone else. I don’t. I am just fine on my own and as I’m writing this, I can’t tell you how happy I am to be feeling this way. Like I am enough. For so many years I have been unhappy with myself and feeling like I was just coasting through life waiting for my H to come home and make me happy. Even if he had come home and none of this had happened, he still would not have MADE me happy. Only I can do that and I KNOW that now.
Anyway... gotta run. I’ve got things to do. Looking forward to my girls’ night tomorrow. It’s gonna be fun.
Love and (((HUGS))) to all of you out there in DB land!!! xoxoxoxo
The sunsets can be stunning. I get a better view of the sunrise though. Never gets old. I’m waiting for winter to arrive. So far, daytime temperatures are averaging around 9 or 10 degrees. February tends to be the worst month. Have some plans for my non-kid weekends in February. A trip to the States with my sister and then my bf from university is coming to visit me. She didn’t know my H until we got married but ironically, her little brother knew him. They were in the same grad class. Small world. She had no idea we had split and was pretty shocked. She is a child of divorce. Not a fan although I think her stepdad was a much nicer person than her dad.
My ladies night didn’t turn out quite the way I planned. My one friend’s flight back from the mainland got cancelled so she didn’t make it back in time. My other friend worked late and was too tired. So it was just me and the friend I originally invited. She and I just sat around and ate some apples and had a couple of drinks. I don’t know her super well so it was a great chance to get to know her. All in all... a great night. I wasn’t too disappointed about not making it out to the pub. My goal for this coming year is to cultivate more friendships with other women so this was a good start.
My kids are back home. It is nice to have them running around the house again. My H dropped them off and then was gone in five minutes. He was pleasant, as always, but uncomfortable. A twinge of sadness when he left... and loss. Things could have been different...but they’re not and I have accepted it. My D and I are just hanging out. She told me she is happy her dad is being a good dad now. She commented that he didn’t used to be around much before. Yes...a silver lining in this cloud... my kids have their dad back. I am grateful for that.
Day off tomorrow. Getting my hair done and then taking my kids to the dentist for teeth cleaning. Pool league at 7 p.m. Going to be a good day.
Mine were awkward and uncomfortable early on also. Trust me it gets much easier. Keep it strictly business no small talk and don’t linger. Your doing good!
Good day today. Got my hair cut and coloured, walked my dog and took my kids to the dentist. No cavities!! Yay!! I think they have inherited their dad’s cavity-proof teeth instead of my cavity-prone ones. You always hope your kids will get the best of both of you. So far so good.
My H came to get them about a half hour ago. Today was the first time since all of this started that felt natural and easy. We joked with each other and shared a laugh. I was GENUINELY upbeat and feel like I am as close to dropping the rope as I have ever been. I would say that I have except I have had setbacks before. If I am still feeling this way a few weeks from now, I will be more confident but today, I just feel really good. And I think my H noticed. He was more comfortable than he has been and shortly after they left, he texted me to ask me for a recipe and made a joke about our son’s diet that I laughed at. I don’t think he would have texted me if he had felt tension between us. A good sign for future coparenting, I think.
Tomorrow I have a birthday dinner to go to at my favourite Greek restaurant. Looking forward to it!!
Hope all of you in DB land are having or had (depending on your time zone) a good day. (((HUGS))) to all.
I am so glad to read these wonderful and positive updates! You are really turning a huge corner. Yes, you will absolutely be fine without him. You have known this but are forcing it to the forefront of your brain by processing and doing the hard work.
You will continue to have good days, and some bad days, but as time goes on, those bad days will become further and few between!
I love what you said about not needing someone or an R to make us happy. I think we all need to accept and remind ourselves often that yes, happiness does ALWAYS come from within. We just need to use those tools we have and sharpen them often. Bravo!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
