D - That was a good update. Eventually the good days will start to out number the bad. Remember to stay in the present and try to not look in the rearview mirror.
Thanks everyone. It is nice to feel like I am moving a bit. Big challenge coming up on Friday. It is my D11's belt test for TKD and both of us will be there. I am determined not to let it set me back.
So last night, I started listening to the audio book of No More Mr Nice Guy on YouTube. I keep seeing it mentioned on here so thought I would check it out. OMG!!! That is my H to a tee!!! The dishonesty, fear of conflict, covert contracts, passive aggressiveness (being unavailable, being late, forgetfulness, withholding affection, etc...), resentment of partner, having the critical abandoning dad and trying NOT to be like him (yet being more like him than he cares to admit) and looking for approval and validation from others and always feeling like I was never happy with him no matter what I did. The only thing that didn't seem to fit at first was the needy mom but then I thought...no, his mom isn't outwardly needy in that respect but she did rely on him to be the man of the house in a lot of ways. Still does. Wow...if only I had seen this book a few years ago. I thought briefly about sending it to my H but thought better of it as it would look like pursuit and, even more so, it is not my responsibility to try to fix him. What an eye opener though.
My daughter is just starting out. The place she goes to has more levels to achieve than most. This will be her third best test. Not sure what belt. She has a yellow belt so maybe a green stripe or something like that. It’s confusing. When I used to go, we just tested for the next colour and there weren’t stripes. I don’t think seeing my H will be much of a problem. I am in a different place than i was at her last test when this was all pretty new.
So I have decided not to go out of town this weekend. There are a couple reasons for it. I don’t really want to hang out with a bunch of couples and feel like the odd woman out. Also, my sister and her H are going and I think I need to cultivate more friendships outside of my R with them. They are planning to go to Croatia for a couple months at the end of this year so I need to get used to them not being around. Yesterday a friend of mine texted me to see if I have plans for Saturday night. I didn’t so we made plans to have dinner at my place and then go out somewhere for a drink. I also invited that woman I met at the beginning of December. She works out of town but said if she was back by then, she will definitely join us. I may invite a fourth friend as well.
MIlestone moment... woke up this morning and my H was not the first thing I thought of... maybe the third. Progress.
LOL... just saw an ad for a new show on ID tv called “Someone You Thought You Knew”. A quote on there was “You only know someone as well as they allow you to know them.” Hmmmm... wonder if I can sell them my story?
Swimming is the same. ** Back in my day, it was straight forward and there were fewer levels with names that made sense. Now there is like what 97 levels with crazy names. No wonder no one knows what their doing. When I was kids, things were different, things were hard, walked to school uphill, both ways, well I never had... grumble grumble... ** ha ha ha. Just kidding. What the heck, did my coffee go bad? Somebody’s spiked my coffee.
I like your choice about the weekend, it is the one I would choose. GAL doesn’t necessarily mean you have to go out.
Look at you! H is not first on your mind when you wake up (withdrawl is getting better). That is some serious progress there. How are you sleeping? Nice full nights? Restful?
Keep doing what you’re doing.
Is your heading still compassion and forgiveness?
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Totally agree about the swimming too. My son refuses to go but my daughter is a bit of a fish. Loves the water like her dad and I.
Originally Posted by DnJ
I like your choice about the weekend, it is the one I would choose. GAL doesn’t necessarily mean you have to go out.
Thanks. I have even kicked it up a notch and invited two other women. Neither of them are much like me but both of them are single, outgoing, a bit quirky and fantastic for my ego as they have both told me I am "gorgeous" and will have no problem finding someone new. I don't even care if they are right. I just like that they believe they are and I could use all of the positivity that I can get. Anyway...in the past, I wouldn't have made plans with other women for fear that it would interfere with plans I might have with H in case he didn't have to go to his "treatment". So mostly I was home alone all of the time. Deep down I have always wanted to have more women friends so I am kind of excited. I hope at least one of them can make it this weekend.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Look at you! H is not first on your mind when you wake up (withdrawl is getting better). That is some serious progress there. How are you sleeping? Nice full nights? Restful?
I still think of him every morning but my thoughts are not connected to overwhelming sadness anymore. Just a twinge of loss and regret (for things I could have done differently in my MR) but then I get on with my day. I am still only getting about six hours a night (I'm a night owl) but they are a solid six hours and on weekends I get about eight. So...feeling much, much better.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Is your heading still compassion and forgiveness?
Funny you should ask that. This morning I had a pleasant text exchange with my H. My daughter had texted him about a sleepover invite she had for tomorrow to see if he would let her go. He said ok and then she came into my room to ask about pick up and drop off times. In the past, I would have texted the mom and organized everything but this time, I just texted her contact info to him. He thanked me and then let me know our D's belt test is at 4:00 today instead of the usual 6:30. I thanked him for the heads up as I would have shown up at 6:30 and both me and my D would have been disappointed. He also texted me some info about the upcoming schedule that was nice to see. He is not relying on me to tell him where and when anymore.. he is doing it himself and feeling good about it, I think. I am too. It is nice to not have to be the one who keeps all of the balls in the air all of the time. Ironic that my H had to leave to start taking an active role in his kids' lives. Sigh... anyway... water under the bridge at this point.
So today I made a decision and it has taken me a long time to truly get there. Today I forgave my H. As CRAZY as his actions have been over the last four years, and they were CRAZY, I have come to understand that his primary reason for doing it was not because he is an evil person and wished to do me harm but because, in his own twisted sense of logic, he didn't want to hurt me. I know...sounds ridiculous given how things played out. But looking back on the things he said to me in the beginning, I have come to believe that he really did think he was trying. I think he was running away and, at the same time, hoping that he would wake up one day and feel differently so he could stop running and be my husband again without me finding out about everything. The day after I found out and he took me to his place, I remember asking him on the drive home about what his plan was and what he thought was going to happen. He tried really hard to answer me but his thoughts were as jumbled as his emotions. All he could say is that he didn't know and that he thought he could just somehow make it better. I dismissed it at the time but honestly, I really think that is what he was doing. Trying to resolve whatever he was going through and hoping that he wouldn't have to hurt me to do it. So as misguided and bizarre as his actions were, I can't really be angry with him about his intentions.
I told my H a while back that I could never be his friend... and I meant it at the time. He told me that he understood but that he could always hope that I would change my mind. While I don't ever picture us sharing a beer and talking about our love lives, I do think there might be opportunities in our future for spending time with our kids together and sharing in their big moments. So...that is my goal and today is a good day to start working towards it with both of us going to our D's belt test.
So...yes...compassion and forgiveness is still my heading and today I really feel that I am truly, truly getting there. Gosh it feels good.
New THEME SONG people... and it's a great one!!! "Living in the Moment" by Katharine McPhee (The Book Club soundtrack). Listen to it!! It will put a smile on your face and a spring in your step. Love and (((HUGS))) to you all!!!
Love, vengeance, envy, joy, etc... all start with a choice - so does forgiveness. A willingness to work towards it, and in time it will be fully achieved.
Make sure you work on forgiving yourself while you’re at it. Remember there will be good days and bad days, days of forgiveness and days of not so much. Don’t worry, look long term.
Forgiveness returns so much to the one who forgives. It truly is for you.
You’ve chosen a great path. Keep walking it DV.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
