My WAS - looking help and thanks in advance PART 6

[NicoleR]

Ovrrnbw,

You have endured a lot. This roller coaster ride doesn't seem to end! I guess this is what they call a toxic / unhealthy relationship dynamic. The affair was obviously the worst but apparently it was a symptom of a deeper problem with your wife and how the two of you enable one another's negative behavior. I'm on your side though and even if you were too critical in the past or made any mistakes you never cheated on her. Any weak points that you have can easily be improved but her wild affair, unpredictability, and unwillingness to stop and reflect on herself is the real problem here. It's much harder in real life when you're bonded with your wife to move forward with a separation or a divorce. If I were you, I'd find a reason to travel elsewhere for the maximum amount of time possible. Does your employer allow you to work remotely? Or would you be able to take vacation or an unpaid leave-of-absence? Do you have a cousin living somewhere else who keeps begging you to visit or a conference you need to attend? I think a good two weeks of you being gone for a legitimate reason unrelated to marriage problems would be a great solution right now. You could refresh yourself and she'd have some quiet time to calm down. That's what I'd be considering, but if that's not possible then I agree with everything else that you're doing and asking the question of whether you can ever trust her again.

[SteveLW]

Hello everyone, just a little update. I like updating my thread b/c it is written record of things, it helps me to remember and helps me to learn. Thanks MWD .

Anyways, things slowed down a little last week. W went to her friends apt last Tuesday night. I don't know if she went back for OM or not, truly. But she is at home every night since. This is obviously different than before when she was never home, but she's not two feet back in the marriage either. I can't control that, so no sweat here. Wed morning she called a bunch, I didn't feel like answering b/c she wasn't at home Tues night. Finally I do, she has a flat tire and wants me to come change it. Funny how she didn't want to act like a wife Tues night, but Wed morning it made a lot more sense...Of course me changing the tire didn't come without some BS about how her and her dad thought I may not come do it. The two of them should be together, good lord. I won't even get started about how we have insurance that covers this kind of thing.

Wed night, she wants to make plans for St. Valentine's Day. OK, we went to sushi. Friday I didn't go to the office with the snow we were supposed to get. Went to town to get some groceries and what not, W was throwing a fit b/c she wanted to go out to lunch. Money is tight for her right now, so she wanted me to pay too. Although money is only tight for her b/c she's spending a lot and has access to $0 of mine. W was being a major B Friday afternoon, I didn't want to engage and told her and showed her. Finally I looked her in the eye and said you are being a "stinking B". That's the PG version anyways. W changes her tune after a minute, says sorry, asks for patience and reminds me how she was always patient with me. I told W how it's different b/c even when I was hurting her, I was always committed to her. W didn't like this so much, oh well.

Wednesday I met with my priest, and we discussed the possibility of me filing for divorce and/or separation. That felt good to talk about further.

The rest of the evening and weekend went fairly well. We watched movies and went bowling, I made chicken stock and chicken and dumplins. I love fires and comfort food when there's snow on the ground. I'll be honest, I'm a little afraid to leave W behind on a weekend night and go GAL.

I'm in this weird spot where my W's affair seems over but she's not ready to recommit to the MR. Of course, I didn't make her work very hard to get me back. That's my fault. But I can say that I am getting tired of her crap, this situation, and feeling better about the prospects of being without her long term. I am so much stronger, smarter, wiser than I was a year ago. I think about the 1 year mark, it's coming up soon. I think about Steve's old signature and timeline. I think about what I want for myself, and if I can ever really trust this woman.

Thanks for reading everyone, and thank you for commenting as well, it means a lot.

ovr, you have to go out and GAL. You've been an awesome contributor here, you give sound advice. But do me ONE favor. For an entire month concentrate on GAL. I mean be busy every single night. Drop your fear of leaving her alone and just go do all kinds of great, fun, enjoyable things. Bowl. Go to the gun range. Test drive new cars. ANYTHING. But for 1 month GAL.

Then report back here on how things are between you and the W. If things aren't better, then by all means continue down the D path. But give this a shot.

[ovrrnbw]

I´m asking you what do you want from now on? Rebuilding bridges to a new MR takes patience. A lot of patience...you both need to be working on the same frequency.

I guess I want to see her actually working if she wants this. It seems like she is just ho-hum about it all. Do I say this to her? Bring it up in MC? I don't know..

Serious question- why?

I am worried she'll be upset, mad, or blame me for leaving her or something really stupid. I've always liked going out or over to friend's houses for dinners and/or drinks with friends. And weekend nights feels like the time you spend with your significant other.

Does your employer allow you to work remotely? Or would you be able to take vacation or an unpaid leave-of-absence?

I can work remotely or take as much vacation as I want and still get paid. I'm switching to self employment/new gig Mar 1. Got the LA trip scheduled for week of 4/8. Have some friends in San Diego too so I may make them take me in for a bit.

Steve, I'm not on the D path. The D path was totally off limits, I'm just thawing out the D path, thinking about it a bit more. But yes, I am afraid of leaving her alone.

[SteveLW]

What we fear most is what end up creating. Your fear is of leaving her alone is that she will cheat or do something she shouldn't? Guess what, and you know this already, your suffocating her will make that more likely than leaving her alone will.

I'd really like to see you GAL like a madman for a month. And then take stock. I think you'd be surprised at the how positive the results would be.

[ovrrnbw]

Thanks Steve. I'm going to get out and GAL.

Gonna jot down the notes from MC tonight. Talked about last Friday's argument quite a bit and it seemed like we both learned quite a bit there, that was helpful. I went walking in the door thinking about being cool, thinking things through, and not speaking so freely.

At the end of MC, I brought up wearing our rings and what we're doing there. W says she doesn't feel like we are married, and went on to imply that she feels this way b/c things aren't good between us and that we shouldn't have gotten married. Looking back, I feel dumb for bringing it up. She doesn't have two feet in, why even bother mentioning this?

But just last week, she needed as husband to change a tire, she wants a husband to pay more than half of the bills so she can pay less...but she can't be a wife. I'm going to use that to fuel my detachment and GAL efforts.

[NicoleR]

Hi Ovrrnbw, your situation is so complicated! I think that's a great idea to go out and do stuff on your own. Just stepping out of this boiler room situation should help a lot. On the other hand this already been going on for almost a year so at some point, someday (maybe in another year?) I'm sure that you'll reach a point where you've had enough or your wife will reach a point where she's ready to take this marriage seriously. I hope something happens sooner or later because I know all too well from my own experience how draining it is to stay in a broken marriage for years and years.

[Gordie]

Over

Just catching up

I understand she is driving you nuts

She wants all the benefits of a H

But none of the obligations of a W

It breaks your heart

She is at worst taking advantage of you

And at best undecided

And you do not know what to do

I suggest you take a step back

Maybe go on a trip with a buddy

Or by yourself

You don’t have to tell her anything

But my guess is you will

So just say

I need some time by myself

And then when you are by yourself

Acknowledge your feelings

Let them out

Scream and shout

Cry

Be silent

Do whatever you need to do for you

But also dig deep into your beliefs

Feelings change

Beliefs are who you are at your core

And that does not change

Do not make decisions based upon your feelings

Make them based upon your beliefs

I support you man

I have been where you are

The answer is within you

[Ginger1]

I know this is a D busting site. But this woman is not trying. She uses you when she needs you and shows up at MC but does nothing to make the M better. She doesn't feel like she is married? Well, I am glad you brought up the rings. It gave you insight. See, I see those rings as something you wear even when things are bad, they show commitment to making it work. YOu don't just keep your rings on when things are good. The rings symbolize a marriage that she is supposedly working on. They don't just signify a good marriage.

You are both young, haven't had kids together. I would hate t see you fight for your M for so long without her fighting too. Marriage should be honored even without kids. But let's be real often kids push us a little harder to make it work. Your W isn't pushing very hard. I truly thinks she just wants things the way she wants them and expects you to give them to her that way.
You are also way to focused on her. You admitted to being afraid to GAL. Let her react the way she wants. I see you doing nothing for yourself or your own mental health. It's like you are simply waiting for her to just come around and decide she wants to be your wife. Your going to waste some very good years of your life waiting for that. If you are going to really remain committed to her, you need to commit to yourself.

[neffer]

Can´t agree more with all that has been posted. You need to keep moving forward. Protect yourself man. Stick to DB, get some more GAL, avoid MR talks, well...all the DB basics. You need to keep fighting Ovr. Stay away from W.

If you are going to really remain committed to her, you need to commit to yourself.

The answer is within you

You have the strength.

[ovrrnbw]

Hi guys,

thanks for checking in on me. Her statement about wearing her ring was really the impetus for me to start to get out and GAL and let the chips fall where they may. I wanted to be honest about my fears of actually doing my GAL stuff, b/c I knew it felt off. Thanks for setting me straight everyone!

Of course I still have emotional swings about all of this and I am getting better at recognizing and mitigating them. The one year mark is close and of course it pisses me off. Then I think about Nicole, and can't help but think that I'm wasting my time sitting around here hoping my W will change. But anyways I've been using the stop sign technique and others to not dwell on negative thoughts. This all just takes me back to detachment and like Gordie said, acting from my core beliefs, removing the emotions, and being true to myself. I am committed to doing that.

Friday night I went out with 1 friend for dinner and cocktails, which turned into another friend coming out, then meeting up with my sister and her friends. Very fun. W was calling and texting to see when I'd be home. She had been freaking out about me going out since Thursday morning when I told her. I also told her it should only be a couple of hours, but the fun lasted longer, and of course W was outraged Fri night and Saturday morning. My mistake was to comfort her when she was mad about me going out with friends.

Saturday I spent the day recovering. Sunday W and I started the remodel on my office space and should have it wrapped up soon b/c the remodel is only 700 sq ft or so.

Ginger, I really don't see the need to argue with W over the craziness that is her existence right now, but I do wonder if I should just refrain from bringing up her inconsistencies in MC. Or if I should even go to MC. I mean, for all that I know, W may still be in text contact with the OM. I have no transparency set, I let W break the Snapchat boundary. But I'm going to face my fears here, I've been letting those emotions control my decisions for long enough.

I'm thinking about trying hot yoga, inspired by Davide. I've always been a weightlifter so this will be a change for me. Also sports leagues are starting up soon, I'm excited for that as well. And yes, maybe I'm going to get out on some fishing trips - those last all weekend, right? Haha yes they do. And the LA trip is coming up the week of 4/8.

I am also going to commit to some more reading for fun, marriage education, psychological health. Truth be told I'm getting tired of the computer. Thanks for all of your continued support.