Think of your hope as I little burning pilot light tucked all away in the back of your heart. Time and distance is your best friend and what you need to heal. Eventually your emotions will subside and you will begin to move forward with your life. Stay present in your thoughts and avoid the rearview mirror.
Finding love again I know is hard to comprehend at this juncture, I couldn’t imagine it either early on. Just know your feelings will change. My life is complete without a partner but I do miss the things that a female adds to my life. I am currently dating however I have not dated anyone serious. I feel better equipped though this time around.
Be patient and kind to yourself. Buy some new clothes, hit the gym, get your hair done.....do things that make you feel good and confident about yourself.
My heart breaks whenever I read your posts. The pain, the confusion, the anger and the love you express is my pain, confusion and anger. I think that's why we're all rooting for you ... because you are who we are [were]. I've said this before, as have others, it does get easier and its not about finding love again, it's about finding you again.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Just got a rather pleasant logistics-type text from my H starting with "Happy Friday Afternoon :)" and ending with "Hope your clients are treating you well. :)" Why does my heart ache so much when I get these? He is just so d*mn happy while he is breaking our family apart. I mean, what is up with all these smiley faces? Does he just live in a completely different world than me?
There's those emoji's again. I still f'g hate them. But, guess what? I now use them in my texts to him. They upset me because I thought (and still think) it diminished emotions - emotions which were real and deserve more than a stupid sad face (when we've been discussing booking an appointment with the MC). But, now that my emotions are a little more level, I put them in texts to him. And I know that he probably hates them "Thanks, that helps a lot - have a great day [smiley face] [thumbs up]" after he has told me that it's ok to leave my car at his flat over night because I've had a drink.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
I miss him like crazy and he is perfectly content without me. How can he not miss me? I was his BEST friend for years. We have been through so much together and shared so many good times before he became the person he is now. Sometimes I think it would be so much easier if he had just died instead of this. Isn't that ridiculous? Man do I wish I had his talent for leaving people. It really is amazing how easily he seems to do it.
Would it be better if he cried and told you how much he missed you but was still resolute in his decision to leave, or if his texts were cold and abrupt or worse, if they were rude and insulting. What type of texts from your H would not hurt you right now ??
Hard as this is going to be to take, your H does not want to be with you. He might do so in the future, but not right now. Your H is trying to push through a separation without hurting you or causing a scene. So, he pretends that everything is rosy.
Think about the tool "detachment". They use this tool too (for different reasons). We use it to protect ourselves. They need to hold back their emotions too because they fear that if they let go, then they will lose their courage. I don't know if your H misses you or not (I don't know if my H misses me or not) but I know that he did and I know that the separation for him, like for you, was like losing a limb. He may have learned to live without that limb but I can guarantee that at some point, he missed it.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
So I feel like I am backsliding a bit here. [You think Captain Obvious?] This week has been one of my saddest yet and I've had some pretty bad weeks. I keep telling myself this is just the pain of my heart preparing to finally let go... once and for all. And then there is the fear of being alone for the rest of my life. And then also the fear of meeting someone who seems great and then falling for him only to find out he is as messed up as my H or even worse. I'm not sure I could take going through this again. It is the WORST pain I have EVER felt and sometimes it seems like it is never going to end.
You will not be alone if you find you. Stupid as the cliché is, I truly believe there is a difference between being lonely and being alone. I am alone a lot but I am not lonely. Once you get to that point, then the fear of being alone goes away. Look, it is lovely being with someone. But, if you aren't complete, then isn't the other person just a warm prop.
... having said that ... you will not be alone. It is a big world with lots and lots of people ... and one of them (if not more) is (are) waiting for you. In the meantime, try and enjoy your life. The right person will come along when you're ready.
Be strong DV. We are here for you.
Now, stop spinning, get a glass of wine or a cup of tea, put on your favorite TV program (something good and soppy or funny and a little ridiculous) and switch off for a bit.
Now, stop spinning, get a glass of wine or a cup of tea, put on your favorite TV program (something good and soppy or funny and a little ridiculous) and switch off for a bit.
I've been binging ATHF (Aqua Teen Hunger Force) now. I forgot how stupid (and hilarious) that show is.
DV6, from my perspective, your H is putting those emojis in his texts as either a very mild temp check or an overachieving attempt to make you feel like he is happy.
He's not happy. He is just trying to push his way through and sweep the ugly parts under the rug in the hopes he can run away and forget about them.
That's never going to happen. It all catches up eventually. I have tried to run away from my problems for many years and they caught up to me in the form of BD. Once BD happened I had no choice but to identify and confront them. It's safe to say that it is something that I'm happy that I'm going through. My sitch is by no means over but can say that I am a better person than I was at BD. When people ask me how I'm doing now, I say that it's the happiest I have been in a long time. That's the truth. I still have my rough days and break down, but the good days are outnumbering the bad ones BY FAR.
You are getting better and stronger too. I hope you can see that. Keep fighting. You're doing great.
You guys are the best. Honestly...I never could have guessed when all this began that I would be lucky enough to find such an amazing group of wise and empathetic people who have become such good friends without ever having met them IRL. Without all of you, I’m pretty sure I would be a total mess still. Somehow knowing that you are all out there going through similar experiences helps so much. It is my greatest wish that each and every one of you will come through this happier and more fulfilled than you ever thought you could be. And when you do, I hope you will come back here and tell us about it so that others who are sure to follow in our footsteps will be inspired and comforted by your stories.
Joseph - It is sooo hard to imagine loving someone again so it is helpful to hear about your experiences. I hope you find someone really special who appreciates you and makes you want to risk being vulnerable again. I know she is out there somewhere.
FS - Thank you for continuing to be the voice of reason and reality. You are right. There is no good way for my H to text me. Just seeing his name pop up in my messages is enough to bring about those feelings ...it doesn’t really matter what he writes or how he writes it. And I know...he is trying not to hurt me. It is a pointless quest on his part... he has already hurt me more than anyone ever has or ever could. A thousand happy or sad emoticons won’t change that...but I do recognize and appreciate his intention as it does demonstrate some level of care for me.
You are also right...about needing to find me again. I was so focused on keeping things together when my H was “sick” that I completely ignored my own needs. If I felt sad or lonely, I would berate myself for being so selfish because at least I was spending my nights at home with my kids whereas my H was in the hospital going through painful medical treatments. My work was quite stressful at that time too so after awhile, I just went into survival mode and operated on auto pilot. I didn’t dare allow myself to consider if I was happy or not...my kids needed at least one functioning parent and by default, it had to be me. So focusing on me and my needs is not something that comes naturally. But I am working on it...
No spinning for me today. Got my nails done, did some shopping with my D11 before dropping her off at a birthday party, made dinner for my S11 and two of his friends and tried out a new recipe on my sister and BIL. It has been a good day.
Phoenix - I think you are also doing great. I know you struggle sometimes but it is obvious from your posts that you are on an important journey of self improvement. I have great hope that you and your W will find each other again - when you are both ready. BTW...I have never heard of ATHF. If the title of the show is any indication, it sounds a little quirky. I watch a lot of true crime shows. There are an inordinate number of victims that share my name. It is a bit disconcerting.
It will be interesting to see if my H”s problems catch up to him. His first instinct always is to run. He has gone to counselling for short periods of time but I think he goes to feel better when he is really stressed... not necessarily to gain any insight into what it is within him that makes it okay to do something as outrageous as fake medical treatments for the better part of four years so he doesn’t have to go home to his family. I don’t think he asks himself the hard questions. Too afraid of the answers, I suspect. Two days after I found out about his double life, he collapsed into my arms crying and saying that he used to be a good person and he didn’t deserve me. I thought then that maybe, just maybe, he might have the motivation and courage to face himself. I was wrong.
Will you tell me my future? Does it have a rich handsome man in it? Don't know? So how come you can predict your own future? None of us would have predicted our current situations, 2,3,5 years ago, so how do we know what the next 2,3 or 5 will bring? Live for today and greet each day with a "this will not define me" mantra and I will find some joy in every day and look for new experiences.
What could you have done to prevent this? Nothing. He is broken. He needs to embark on his own journey of self discovery. He very obviously knows he's 'troubled' and needs to make changes, hence his running away. Fixing the marriage, or his relationships wasn't going to solve the problem because he needs to fix himself first. I hope for his sake that he realises that removing himself from all the important people in his life is only a temporary fix, because it feels different. Who knows if he will? It's not your problem to own.
He may say that he tried an interim measure to solve his inner turmoil ie the 'fake illness' which he hoped would minimise the damage. It didn't so he went the whole hog. None of us know. Only him.
I reckon I'm a tiny tiny step ahead of you (because I recognise all that you are feeling as being very recent) My next stage was being able to look back and not cloud the past with my feelings of today. I can now tell myself ' there were good years; sh*t happens; there's no going back; I will go forwards with no regrets and believe those that tell me that the future is bright'
When my Xw left I had the same thoughts. She will hit rock bottom, she will regret it, she will, she will, etc. etc. Eventually you won’t even care. You won’t care because if you do the work you will make your life so great that you won’t want them to be a part of it. You will out grow them if you put in the work because they are not doing the same.
I count my blessings every day that I have two beautiful girls, a great job that allowed me to keep our family home, friends, great parents, etc. Take stock in all the positive things that are in your life and try to not let one person, one relationship have that kind of power over you. There is no such thing as a soulmate. There are plenty of good ones and bad ones.
Own your part but don’t own his. Everyone makes contributions to a marriage ending and if it was a good marriage this would not have occurred. Time and distance will help you take stock and be able to reflect objectively once your emotions have subsided.
I know, I know... there is no way to predict the future. I am just writing out my worst fears. Somehow it helps to write them.. like I can think more realistically when I see them in black and white.
I don’t know if my H will hit rock bottom...likely not, as he has been living this way his whole adult life. He and I are very different. I have never been super comfortable being alone except for that brief period of time when I was living on my own before I met him. I think being an identical twin has something to do with that. I have been in a partnership my whole life...it is my comfort zone. My H, on the other hand, was raised an only child and his mom said he would spend hours by himself and be perfectly content. It was the same way in our marriage...he had many hobbies to fill up his time and having a family, I think, was a big adjustment that I think he resented deep down. So living on his own and being a part-time parent suits him really well. He rarely contacts the kids when they are with me. Truth be told, I don’t think he misses them. The fact that he chose to be away from them when he was pretending to go to hospital is a big indicator of that. However, he told himself it was me he was hiding from. I think that was easier for him to live with instead of admitting that he just hated the responsibility and pressure of kids, a home, and a wife.
I have many, many things to be grateful for. I have two amazing children, I have a good job with great colleagues who are very supportive, I have a a beautiful home with a view of the ocean, I have a supportive MIL who helps me take care of my kids, I have a twin who is always there for me and lots of friends who are there for me if I need them. I will be okay in the end. Missing him is tough. I had been missing him for a long time but this is different. Before I was comforted by the idea that he would eventually get better and we would repair the parts of our relationship that had been damaged. If only I had known how damaged it was. But... I AM moving forward even though my posts don’t always seem like it. I am still sad and I still wish things could be different but I am doing much, much better than I was a couple of months ago. In a couple months, I expect to be doing even better. I have discovered that this is a process that can’t be rushed and it really shouldn’t be. I need to go through all the steps so at the end I am truly healed.
He's not happy. He is just trying to push his way through and sweep the ugly parts under the rug in the hopes he can run away and forget about them.
Agreed. And we've all done it too. But it's very hard for the LBS b/c we are in a low point, a time of need.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Two days after I found out about his double life, he collapsed into my arms crying and saying that he used to be a good person and he didn’t deserve me. I thought then that maybe, just maybe, he might have the motivation and courage to face himself. I was wrong.
I guess that's why we keep them at arm's length until they have fully committed to bettering themselves and the MR. He probably meant it too, but then the feelings left, or were replaced by stronger feelings, or all of those feelings were too much to deal with so he ran again. It's sad.
I like the part where you stated what you are grateful for. It always helps to know what we have and to appreciate it.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
It is a great step that you are able to appreciate all the blessings that you have in your life. I have found that the more you look for things to be grateful for, the more you are rewarded with them. Focus on them, direct your energy to them, let them occupy your thoughts. They are what is important in your life. It is far too easy to direct our focus to things that don't deserve it, to things that don't feed our souls, to people who suck the life out of us.
One thing that you said does worry me, that you are not comfortable being alone. This process has taught me the importance of being able to sit with myself and quiet my mind. I had spent many years single before I met my wife and lived a very independent life, often not in a relationship. However, I was never comfortable enough with myself to sit with a quiet mind and just be. For me, that is an essential skill in order to clarify who I am and what I want, to recognize and love myself before I try to start a relationship with anyone else. Yoga and meditation have been vital in the self-healing process for me, much as prayer and religion help many others. I feel much more centered, in-control, and sure of myself.
hugs!
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Just got a rather pleasant logistics-type text from my H starting with "Happy Friday Afternoon :)" and ending with "Hope your clients are treating you well. :)" Why does my heart ache so much when I get these? He is just so d*mn happy while he is breaking our family apart. I mean, what is up with all these smiley faces? Does he just live in a completely different world than me? I miss him like crazy and he is perfectly content without me. How can he not miss me? I was his BEST friend for years.
He does miss you. He has regrets and he's wondering if he's doing the right thing EVERY SINGLE DAY. There are a ton of hurting people in this world masquerading as happy people behind smiley faces and words of affirmation on social media, in text and in email. It's just a mask they put on, but what's underneath? Only they know. You can react in two ways- you can do things that make him think "oh yes I am doing the right thing" or you can pull back and resist the desire to reply or be a "friendly neighbor" when you do reply and make him continue wondering if he's doing the right thing.
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Sometimes I think it would be so much easier if he had just died instead of this. Isn't that ridiculous?
No, it would have been easier. I mean I don't actually wish death on anyone, but if he died you would have grieved and you would have happy memories and you would eventually learn to cope and move on. This is more like purgatory!
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And then there is the fear of being alone for the rest of my life.
Aaaahhhh, but why fear that? I think that was a large part of recovery for me, was finally coming to realize that I could be happy even if I am alone. If you can be happy alone then you might WANT someone else in your life but you don't NEED them. And that is a much healthier place to be in an R. My ex MIL has been alone since my FIL passed 10 years ago or so. She fills her days with activity. Volunteer work, working around her house or in the yard, knitting, talking to friends and relatives on the phone, planning future events. She's alone most of the time, but not lonely. It's all a state of mind.
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I knew years ago that I was losing him in my heart of hearts but I was just too scared to address it and maybe if I had when I first felt this way, we could have done something to fix it before he was so far gone.
I think most of us here were destined for this NO MATTER WHAT. I think this is more about something our spouses are going through then anything that we did or didn't do in the M. Think back to the earlier days of your M, if it was like mine then the things he complains about now would have been minor speed bumps then. He would have done ANYTHING to overcome obstacles to be with his love back then. Now? Not willing to lift a finger. That says more about him than you.
