So...was having a decent day at work when I decided to look at my personal email to see if there is anything from my lawyer. Nope...but there is an email from my H. He says good morning, thanks for the chat on Sunday and btw... there is a property coming on the market soon that ticks most of my boxes. I've been watching all of the homes in my price range be bought within days so really want to buy something before the spring mark up. Don't want to annoy you or anything but if you could do anything to expedite the process, I would greatly appreciate it. Hope you have a great day!!
WTF?!?! Are you freaking kidding me? This guy lies to my face for years, leaves me to take care of everything, including our kids, while he is off enjoying a carefree single life doing gawd knows what, he then secretly rents a place and continues to lie to me [while still telling me he loves me and pretending to plan a future with me] as he goes off for his fake overnight medical treatmentd EVERY NIGHT until he is caught and then proceeds to drop a bomb on me, serves me with a separation agreement [accusing me of not trying to work things out] with a January 31st deadline and then on the 15th asks me to hurry it along so he can buy a property he wants. Seriously?!? How self-centred can one person be? Clearly he has done NO work on himself whatsoever.
Anyway... I thought about just not replying but he would see that as being passive aggressive. I then thought about telling him to "go f himself" but that would just be inviting a conflict. So, I settled on what my first reaction was and sent the following... "Your lack of empathy is stunning. There are no words." Not exactly DB material but everyone has their limits. "Um... I know that I have completely turned your life upside down and am now forcing you to go into debt and become a 50% parent but could you hurry it up please. I have things I want to do. Oh yeah... and have a great day! " Like I said...there are no words.
I'd feel exactly the same way. Perhaps the old phrase, "Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency for me" could be re-written. Not that I'm suggesting you say this.
"A lack of empathy on your part does not correlate to an increase of empathy within me"
or
"A situation with urgency in your life does not constitute an emergency for me"
Although in this case I suppose a simple, "I'll continue to work in a timeline that works best for me" would suffice.
I know he is being ridiculous. I'm sorry to hear it hasn't ended yet - but it will. Stay strong. You do such an amazing job every day.
DV - I can think of a few words but would definitely be censored. Anyway, I said them on your behalf here in my kitchen across the ocean. I promise you'll look back at the bare - ar**d cheek of the man and smile a wry smile - in time. It's to be expected isn't it - the lack of empathy - he appears to have been devoid for a while.
I'm sure I don't need to say this - do things to your timescale and what suits you and the kids.
Yep. Part and parcel of the wayward mindset. Everything is about them. At least he was polite. It's twice as ridiculous when they are mad and angry. Just stay factual.
Seriously. You are working with a BUSINESS TRANSACTION now. You shouldn't get emotional with business partners, suppliers, or customers. I would only approach it from that perspective.
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
Thanks all. Joe x 2 .... I get the whole business transaction thing... I really do. But we are talking about the dissolution of a 13 year partnership and the dismantling of a family unit. It is not business to me. It will never be business to me and he will never be my business partner. And I know I shouldn’t get emotional but this situation is less than four months old for me and has turned my life completely upside down so it IS emotional. I think I was very reserved in my response and not emotional at all...and factual. The fact is... his lack of empathy IS stunning.
I'm certainly not going to argue that it was in good DB form, but it's a response you meant and one he deserved. I would have said (and absolutely did say) far, far worse than that. Today my H still says he knows he deserved all of it. Just sayin. Like I said before, I think you letting in your anger is a very, very important part of your process and will help lead you to detachment. IMO you have been far too understanding and forgiving of him. He has been dishonest, neglectful and seemingly adulterous. Even if she is dying or has cancer, that does not mean it can't be an affair. Some here say it doesn't matter, I personally think it does.
So you are allowng more anger in. Good! It's okay to be angry. You don't necessarily need to share your emotions with him, but if you slip up, oh well. You can shake that off and move right along, sister! I care far more about you healing and finding your strength again than what that jackhole thinks!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Thank you Blu. I really appreciate your input. I definitely let some anger in today but, as per usual, what follows is a good dose of sadness. I made the mistake of going back and looking at all my old text messages from the end of September when he told me it was over but then backtracked five hours later to tell me how ashamed he was and how he was going to come home and work to regain my trust. And that he loved me. And then continued to let me believe this was his plan for a whole week before backing out a second time. That was three and a half months ago. And now he is pressuring me to hurry up and get this agreement done so he can get his money, buy his crappy house and start his new life. Never mind the wreckage he has left behind in his old life. He hardly gives that a thought anymore.
I think the last few days have just been really hard. My kids were with him for the weekend and my new credit card arrived so I spent yesterday transferring all of my bills. Just more steps towards having completely separate lives. So I’m pretty sad tonight and have been hiding out in my room a bit so my kids don’t notice. Luckily they have homework that has kept them busy and pretty much oblivious to what I’m doing. I am just so tired of feeling this way. I feel like I am always keeping a lid on my emotions... that if I really let myself go, I would just scream and cry for days. But I don’t and I won’t. I keep it together like I have for the past four years. But man... does my H ever deserve to get hit by the karma bus. I hate that I am hoping for that but I really think he needs it...to grow. Otherwise, why would he even bother? Things have always gone, and continue to go, his way. I know, I know... DnJ’s mantra is ringing in my head... Choose better, not bitter. I have always, always found a way to do that but gosh it is so d@mn hard to do with someone who has treated me so terribly and continues to do so with his smiley face texts and his “have a great day” messages. It is infuriating. And his “I like you as a friend” proclamation with this weird smug-looking smile on his face. I am not your friend, I am your wife, you jerk!!! Plus...you treat your friends way better than you have ever treated me so STFU. When he said that, it took everything I had not to punch him in the face... and I’ve never punched anyone in my life.
Sigh...moving forward...hopefully a good night’s sleep will help. Not that I’ve had one of those in months. Maybe tonight... Love to you all. (((HUGS)))
What have you been doing to GAL? Whatever it is you need to up it by 10 fold. Anger was my most difficult emotion to control. My WW destroyed a 21 year relationship and the security of our kids. I am trying very hard not to hate her.
That being said, once I kicked GAL into overdrive, I stepped off of the rollercoaster of emotions. I no longer allow my WWs actions to affect me. Its pointless. Get yourself out there into the world. Force yourself to drop that rope. Once you do, you will feel nothing but indifference towards your H. That and you will find true joy focusing on yourself.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
It’s ok to be angry, we all have slipped at one time or another and truthfully it won’t make that much of a difference in the grand scheme of things. My Xw moved out 3 weeks after bd, I have two young daughters, and our 14 yr marriage was dissolved in 8 months so I get it. The point is that even though you still very much love your husband and have feelings for him you can’t let those feelings get in the way of what is in your best interests. I guarantee you he is not looking out for yours.
