Westo, I'm sure there are many of us who are soooooo envious that your H came back, but kind of relieved that we don't have to drink the megalitres of STFU smoothie that you have swallowed. Having to say nothing, and keep saying nothing, for fear of setting H off or ruining the reconciliation would absolutely and certainly cause a shedload of stress for me if he hadn't said and done the things I think he should. I know you are patiently waiting for the right time to broach The Discussion, and that kind of patience must be incredibly difficult to maintain.
I have no advice at all. You know you can give up drinking under normal circumstances. I think you're self-medicating and doing what you think you must to get through this part of the reconciliation. Is anybody else worried about how much you drink? If your H is, how is he expressing his concern?
While I have guzzled quite a few STFU smoothies, I have opened my mouth a few times. As you can imagine the tongue is looser with alcohol.
The times I collapsed (in the early weeks) were days spent as a family with D and her kids. I would worry if we were getting on H nerves, her talking too much, the kids being too loud or naughty. It was terribly stressful. But now that my paranoia has worn off and I can see how much H has changed almost back to his old self, I haven’t collapsed since.
I gave up smoking 20 years ago and basically replaced it with wine, as a kind of reward. I know, it’s mad. He is concerned but I don’t think he thinks he’s in any position to say anything.
Now that H has been home 6 months, I can’t use stress as an excuse anymore so I’m going to read that book again.
Be kind to yourself. You've admitted the situation and at some point, you will need to figure out how to deal w/the wine situation. You've been strong throughout your h's crisis, so that tells me that if you put your mind to it, you can quit. You may need a little help in doing so, but my faith in you is very strong.
For now, the excuse is becoming less and less. It's a new year and a time to reflect and make those changes that you think you need to make in order to be happy and healthy.
BTW, there is no harm in having a few talks w/your h. Keep them straight forward and in a calm voice. Try not to use the "you" and point fingers...but I know you can do this.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yes I will address this, when I make my mind up to do something I will achieve it.
Last year H brought a suitcase of clothes he said he didn’t wear anymore and put it in our garage. It took a lot for me not to open it.
Our GD who is only six years old came over this morning wearing her leather jacket...she looks so cute in it.
H said “I’ve got a leather jacket too, in the garage”. I raised my eyebrows and said “I’ve got one too along with jeans...but haven’t worn them for years”. “What on earth made you buy one?”.
His answer? “I dunno, must have thought I was in my forties and not my fifties”.
I just looked at him with an expression of....oh dear. I now wonder if, when he packed those clothes in that suitcase, he was moving into the acceptance stage that Hearts Blessings mentions as the last stage.
And today, he finally accepts it. I honestly believe so.
Let’s hope he doesn’t bring that jacket in the house!
I'm intrigued by the timing between when you now believe your H to have entered the acceptance stage, and when he finally came home. Can you recall when last year your H put the suitcase in the garage?
I think it is great that you shared about the wine. It shows your desire to change that. I also imagine it feels better and freeing. From what I’ve read from your posts, you are a determined person, once you out your mind to something you will achieve it.
I have a thought / suggestion regarding this and H.
I agree with you, H is probably concerned and feels he is in no place to say anything. If he is entering reconnection / acceptance, overburdening him with more responsibilities would most likely not be wise.
All that being said, talk to H about this problem and your desire to overcome it. Include him in the solution, in the support you are seeking. No blame. No finger pointing. No mention of stress or other potential causes, he will unfortunately guess enough on his own.
I see an opportunity here. If this is really about MLCers growing up, you can demonstrate to H some very valuable lessons. Being open and honest about a deep problem and reaching to your partner for support and acceptance. In your actions you can show him how to deal with his own deep concerns. He will follow your lead, will learn through you, this could be such an opportunity for growth.
You gain a valuable supporter and he gains a valuable role model. This can be good for you and him, separately and together.
I am not thinking you have long conversations with him and seek advice. You are just including him, showing trust, and how to trust again. Just little steps for him, maybe for you as well. Depending on how he responds I am sure you can figure out where to go from there.
In the end, being a lighthouse is really all about you.
Be his lighthouse.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Your words made me well up, I hadn’t thought of it like that. I did speak to him last night about reading that book again.
He didn’t say anything, just nodded as if to say.....”good”.
H hasn’t done anything regarding the yard, garden etc since 2013 (he just wasn’t interested) and it shows. The place is a mess. The garage is full of rubbish and everything in it is going mouldy as there is no air circulating. I basically have a path through to the freezer and dryer.
Since he left, I’ve painted the outside and hired gardeners to mow the lawns. I’ve also done some decorating inside, but the slabs need pressure washing and the guttering needs cleaning etc. You know.......the man stuff!
I was determined not to mention the state of the garage or outside to H and hoped in time he would address it himself. Well, he’s cleared most of the garage, taking stuff to the dump in the last couple of weekends. I’m hoping when he’s finished and the weather gets better he’ll get the pressure washer out but I’m not saying anything. I know that when he does, the interest in our home will have returned which will be significant in him coming out of depression.
I can’t wait for spring, January is such a miserable month here!
Hello, i have only read back a bit of your thread. Yes. Your husband is very lucky. And i wish you the best of luck.
It takes a lot to be able to recognize an addiction. I think its the first step to healing. Now i do not know the details of your alcoholism. But alcohol can be a very dangerous drug to withdraw from and i hope you do it under medical assistance.
Thank you for stopping by. I’m afraid that what you wrote is wrong. Controversial I know, but I stopped for three months last year with no affects whatsoever.
It’s all in the mind. The only thing was I found it difficult to get to sleep for the first three or four nights. That was it, in fact it was far easier than giving up smoking.
I have to read the book again though, it basically brainwashes the reader and at the end you just stop and don’t miss it at all.
