Friday was a good day. Work went reasonably well. Saw my kids towards the end of the day as my H brought them by my office so I could say goodbye before they went to his place for the weekend. Got lots of hugs and told them to have fun with their dad.
After work, my sister and I took my dog for a walk and then shortly after we went to an Epicure cooking class being put on by someone from her women’s business network. There were about ten women there, all new people that I have never met before. Really liked them. Most of the women there were married but two of them are separated from their husbands. One of them moved to town in March and it sounded like she is the one who left her H but that it quickly became a mutual decision. We seemed to be about ten years older than me. The other woman was the one who actually taught the cooking class. She has been separated for two years from her H who sounds a bit similar to mine. Both are musicians and both were highly dependent on the women in their lives to manage finances, etc.. Her H went without heat for a short time when he moved into his new apartment because he didn’t know you had to contact hydro to open an account. She also said that for most of their separation, he has had a lot of anger towards her but recently has done a 180 and now has nothing but good things to say to and about her. She has no idea what happened and that it was a sudden shift.
All in all, I really enjoyed myself and the food was yummy. I ordered a few things and signed up to host a cooking class of my own in early February. Looking forward to it.
Noticed last night that I was in a good mood. On my drive home, I listened to my latest favourite song that relates to my sitch (Babe by Sugarland...check it out!!!) and I thought about everything as I usually do when I am on my own with time to think. I am grateful that it’s not as painful as it used to be. I still have pangs of loss but I don’t have the fear that I used to have and my thoughts don’t go into a negative tailspin. The fog is lifting.
My H brought the kids home an hour or so ago and we spent some time talking about the coming week and who is doing what, etc... It was fine on the surface but it was one of those conversations where you know there is more NOT being said than there is being said... if that makes any sense. And it feels so awkward to try to have this pleasant conversation with someone who has treated me so terribly and who once felt so strongly about me that he wrote a love song about it. How could those feelings just disappear?
I also realized tonight that while I am doing much, much better than I was a couple of months ago, I am still really, really sad that things have come to this and that my H never made any attempts to try to save our marriage and everything we had worked for.... that after 13 years,it meant so little to him. It still boggles my mind that he can just throw it all away with such certainty. Not sure I will ever understand it...
Had a text exchange with my H’s favourite cousin’s wife who visited us this past summer. She was checking on me to make sure I am okay. She told me that they are both there for me if I need them and that even though they aren’t taking sides, they are really sad for what I have been through. I don’t know how much they know but I am grateful for their support. I just told her thanks and that I would never want them to take sides anyway. I told her that my H loves both of them a lot and that he needs good people in his life.
So like Maika said in his post... I got hit by a wave tonight. Still looking for my surf board.
I was just rummaging through my jewelry box and came across some money that I had forgotten about. Yay me!! But then I turned around an looked into the box again and right on top was a recipe card with my H’s wedding vows written on them in his handwriting. I didn’t even know I had it. Don’t know how it got on top of everything... Anyway... talk about a dagger to the heart...
“We have both traveled such different roads only to be lucky enough to have found each other at the end of the journey and to begin a new one together. You have proved to me that both fate and true love are real. You have made me feel complete and given me the love I have dreamed of. This is a valuable gift. And like your heart, I will protect, cherish and honour it for the rest of my life. I love you madly!”
That is rough. I have a bunch of cards and stuff my XW gave me over the years, and I sat and read them one day during our D and got SOOOOO mad! Were they all lies? Was it just a bunch of meaningless words?
You know what? I don't think they were lies. I think that at the time, they were genuine and written with positive intent. Things change. People change. But in the moment it was written, it was real.
I'm really happy to hear that you went out and connected with people! My IC made it a point one session for me to go out and connect with at least two new people, and that mission turned out to be one of my most interesting stories lol. Eventually, I started being way more social, and being way more outgoing. It can help tremendously. Keep it up!
It is going to be ok!
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
The sadness is to be expected and understandable. What I wonder though is perhaps they did make effort in their own way. We don't know the internal struggles that they went through to try to stay in the marriage. You are comparing what he did and didn't do with what you would and wouldn't have done. That's comparing apples and oranges because you are obviously very different people.
It winds my kids up that their Dad goes about as if nothing is wrong. That is his belief because in his head he thinks he tried but it's not my version of trying.
Every body needs a go to song. Mine is a cliche. "First I was afraid, I was petrified/ thinking I would never live without you by my side / but I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong / that I grew strong" ......Gloria Gaynor; I will survive.
It's tough to have those conversations, I know. And it's normal to be upset by them. But you don't need a surfboard to ride those waves. Everything you need is inside you. You are strong enough to outlast those fleeting emotions and come out the other side stronger. Just keep focused on what is important to you -- your kids, your GAL, your plans for the future. You are body-surfing now.
big hugs!
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Wow, finding his wedding vows. Yes, that is going to hurt, and feel good too. Your life together was real. Your feelings are real.
His feelings were real, and probably still are, just buried under untold layers of justifications containing lies, semitruths, fantasies, and even a few real concerns. Just imagine how much it would take to change him, to cause him to choose this path, to be driven, forced to take this path.
My W during her exodus told me she had gone through the entire house looking through everything. She would cry all day until me or the kids came home and then would act like herself showing no signs of the dualistic life she was living. She said for two months she looked through everything - all 46 photo albums, school work, gifts, decorations, dishes, etc..., the entire house, and in the end left everything behind.
Weeks after BD and her leaving I discovered, stumbled upon, our wedding stuff. It was out of storage. Our vows, blue flowers wreathing the double hearts with “Just Married” written within them, the blue quill pen, napkins, invitations, our speeches, and so on. She had dug it all out at some point.
Your H knows his vows, knows what he promised, knows what he is giving up. He most likely read his vows and put the card back on top where you found it. And yet he continues down this path, unable to stop himself, unable to see any other choices. Imagine what it would take to change someone that much.
In time he might start to see a better path. For now he really cannot figure a way out. Anything you would say - he knows, he is aware, within his head and heart, and he keeps pushing them down. He puts on his mask, smiles, tells himself and anyone that will listen that everything is good, and tries to believe his justifications.
The most compassionate and best thing you can do for him, and coincidentally the best for yourself as well, is to give him lots of space and time. Finding a compassionate way through all this mess is not just for him, not at all - it is truly for you, first and foremost!
The pain and suffering that the LBS goes through, was horrible. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.
Our spouses are living something much worse. A hellish existence, devoid of true hope, joy, happiness, or love.
Imagine what it would take to change them.
Realize who they were, the real love they had, and might still possess. Find compassion and understanding. With this, do the best for each of you - let go.
DV, you are detached, with love. Finding and reading the vow, not spinning out of control and becoming a heap on the floor, demonstrates it.
It is time to look towards the next steps. They are coming - realization of fears, letting go, indifference - and like detachment seeing them through a lens that matches your core beliefs is better. Compassion and love.
I won’t lie the road ahead is bumpy and difficult. Keep being patient it does smooth out. Lovingly letting go and compassionate indifference.
I realize your path is unfolding and is unknown to you; I found it helpful to atleast know where I was heading even though the route was a mystery.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thank you all. Feeling a bit more grounded this morning. Last night was an unexpected journey into the past and it was good, on one hand, to remember how strongly my H once felt about me but also not so good as it brought up feelings of regret and thoughts about what I could have done differently to help him keep his promises. I know, I know... those were his promises and he made the choice to go against them, not me. But I didn’t help things. I became hyper-focused on my kids and doing all of the things I thought I was supposed to do as a mom. I forgot how important it was to also be a wife. I made the mistake of thinking that our love would just sustain itself. I didn’t epically break my vows the way he did but I did become somewhat complacent. I felt him slowly slipping away from me. Reminds me of the frog in boiling water analogy. I just got used to it over time.
Not sure why I keep finding this stuff. First the song and now the vows... Maybe it is part of letting go? I don’t know. I’m not a fan though. Trips down memory lane don’t feel overly helpful to my healing. Compassionate indifference. That definitely fits with my value system as I have always been a compassionate person. I think it does make the path towards indifference that much longer. I guess nothing worth having comes easy though so it makes sense that I would still be going on this roller coaster ride.
DnJ - I don’t think my H was reading those vows. He doesn’t go into my jewelry box and the card only showed up because I was rummaging through it. I’m also skeptical that the love he had for me is still inside him somewhere. If it is, he has buried it so deeply that I don’t think it is likely to resurface. He is so committed to this new reality and he seems very, very calm and detached. I wish that I had his resolve. This would be so much easier. I’m working on it...but I am a few years behind him.
Not working today but I have a dentist appointment to look forward to. I really have to stop scheduling these appointments in the middle of my day off.
I know I shouldn’t have but I took a picture of the wedding vows I found and sent them to my H. Told him that I wanted him to see them in case he was thinking about rewriting history and claiming that he never really loved me in the first place. That was his story about his first W... that he shouldn’t have married her and that he didn’t really love her in the way that he should. I didn’t want him to be able to do that with me. So...not the best move but honestly, I don’t really care at this point. He’s not coming back. He’s moving full speed ahead and our S agreement should be signed and over with in a couple weeks or so.
After the dentist, I spent the rest of the afternoon switching the house bills over from our joint credit card to my new one. A couple accounts are in my H’s name so he has to deal with those. I texted him and he replied that he would take care of it with a smiley face. ARGHHH... stop it with the smiley faces. I am NOT smiling!!!! This s#cks!!! He is breaking up our family. There is NOTHING to smile about... NOTHING!!! Can you hear me yelling???
I know... detach, detach, detach. Despite what seems like a bit of a setback, I am still moving forward. I have too much self respect not to. And I am getting there. I no longer disolve into a puddle on the floor after talking to or seeing him. I have some sadness, yes, but i get on with my day.
Went to Costco this morning. The guy at the front door is a guy that I went out on one date with just prior to meeting my H. I recall that he and I got along pretty well and he texted me as soon as I got home but then disappeared. I have a feeling he may not have been as single as I thought. I do remember he had a daughter. Anyway...that was almost 14 years ago so who knows what his status is. He doesn’t wear a ring but then a lot of men don’t so that doesn’t mean anything. He gave me a big smile and said “hello” and I did the same. He is tall and nice looking...aged well... Hmmm... Who am I kidding? I am nowhere near ready to date anyone even though it would be nice to feel like I was attractive to someone instead of just feeling rejected by my H. He’s been such an a$$ the last five or six years, I should have been the one to reject him. But I meant my wedding vows so it would have taken some REALLY bad behaviour for me to do that. I mean, the man went to fake medical treatments for four YEARS and that’s not bad enough??? WTF is wrong with me??? Sorry for swearing... situation seems to call for it.
Anyway... tonight is pool league so I’m going to go socialize and forget about my H and his broken promises. He is taking the kids overnight so I will be returning to an empty house. But... it means I don’t have to get up quite so early so that is a bonus. (((HUGS))) to all of you in DB land!! Hope you all have a good night.
