Thank you all for your support. I don't always feel like I am doing great but that's because I'm not the most patient person in the world and I always want things to happen fast. So these periods of sadness are getting quite tiresome. I think my S agreement will be signed fairly quickly. I made one significant correction which is the date of separation. My H's L said May (when he sold his car and secretly rented his place) but I said October 1st (when he finally told me he wasn't coming back). It doesn't seem that significant except that you have to be separated for a year before you can divorce and I guess I just want to give both of us time to adjust to the new normal so that, at least for me, maybe D won't be as painful. That's my theory anyway. It also gives him some time to reconsider and even though I think there is less than a 1% chance of that happening, I would still like to keep it open as a possibility even though I am endeavouring to move forward and make a new life for myself.
FS - It's funny that you noticed that. I did too when I wrote it. I almost changed it to present tense but then I didn't. I'm not sure why. I think I am in a strange place. Do I have love for my H? Definitely...but it is not without reservation, the way it was before. My life for the last four years has been one giant lie made up of a thousand little lies...all of them told to me by the person I vowed to spend my life with. His betrayal has shaken me to the core. So when I say "I love him", I'm not too sure what that means anymore. I also don't really know who he is anymore. So who is it that I love? The guy I thought I was married to? The guy I am married to [technically]? I really don't know right now which is why I think it felt safer, and maybe more accurate, to write it in the past tense.
Great night. My sister and BIL came over and we invited my MIL to have dinner with us. We talked about a number of different things and shared a lot of laughs. The last time we all ate dinner together was Christmas and I was not in the best of moods...feeling the absence of my H and wishing for a time machine. I also thought of him tonight but not in the same way. I had moments of sadness that he was not there...but not because I was missing him but because he was missing out...on being part of a family.
He has, in effect, given up most of his family members. He sees his mother once in awhile but their relationship is not the same. He used her and lied to her in the same way he did with me so I think things are awkward between them. And, at the end of the day, she lives with me so it must feel very strange to him - like he is separated from her too. He has never been that close to his brother and sister and it sounds like his dad isn’t communicating with him again so he doesn’t have them either. My sister and BIL were sort of like pseudo family but he couldn’t get close to them because he was lying to me for so long. And I was the best and most supportive friend he has had for years and he threw that relationship away like it meant nothing. The only family he has left is our kids and he gets love from them but it’s not like he can confide in them.
I have been trying to imagine what it must be like to be him. If it were me, I would feel so alone and lonely but I have to remind myself that he’s not me and I clearly place way more value on family and relationships than he does. Still...how can he feel good right now given everything that has happened? I am sitting here feeling like crying - not out of sadness for me but out of sadness for him. Sad that he is missing out and even sadder that he may not even realize it. Is that crazy? I feel like I must be just the biggest idiot to be feeling this way but I’ve just had this urge numerous times tonight to text him to see if he is okay. I’m not going to because I cannot allow myself to go there. I have to move forward and work on detaching and saving myself. I do not want to be feeling this way in a year.
FS - It's funny that you noticed that. I did too when I wrote it. I almost changed it to present tense but then I didn't. I'm not sure why. I think I am in a strange place.
Perhaps it is better that once you noticed it (the unconcscious feeling) you chose not to change it (the active action). For me, love is both a feeling and an action. You cannot choose to love someone you do not but you can love someone and choose not to act on it. Having said that, what does the ‘slip’ mean for you ... I think your heart is starting to move on but your brain is keeping you firmly in place because it wants to understand, it wants to rationalise and it is scared. My advice, shut your brain off and trust that the universe, god or the “force” (whichever one resonates with you) will give you what you need - which may not be what your head wants.
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I have love for my H? Definitely...but it is not without reservation, the way it was before.
Of course you love him. It is just buried under pain, confusion, fear, resentment and (this is lessening with each post) desperation. Once those pass, and this will happen with time because time is a great healer, you will see again the man you once loved and also the man he has become ... and you WILL wish him well. I have faith in that because you are inherently a good person.
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for the last four years has been one giant lie made up of a thousand little lies...all of them told to me by the person I vowed to spend my life with. His betrayal has shaken me to the core.
look at it at this way. Four years you were in the dark. It could have gone on for another four years. Finding out has been a gift because you are now in a position to make informed decisions which are in the best interest of yourself and your two beautiful children.
Whilst it may have felt safer being in the dark, DV, the truth really has set you free.
Thank you FS. I actually think it is my heart that is hanging on but, as you noted, starting to loosen its grip a little bit. My head told me to walk away ages ago but it has been a battle. I guess I am "set free" as it is always better to know the truth, even when it hurts. I know I will be better off in the long run and that I cannot "fix" my H. This is a path he feels he must take and in his estimation, the benefits outweigh the costs. He and I will forever disagree about that but such is life.
I hope he becomes a better man. I hope he finds inner happiness and doesn't continue to search for it outside of himself and in other people. I hope he eventually comes to understand that he wasn't unhappy because our marriage was bad but that our marriage was bad because he was unhappy. That really is the gist of it. His mom commented to me the other night that she doesn't think he has ever been really happy in his own skin. She says he was reasonably happy when he and his first wife got together but that didn't last long (his happiness). She said he was even happier when he met me and that lasted awhile too but eventually he was back to being unhappy again. She is sad for him too.
So...today was going fine until my D11 called me to find out who was picking them up from school. Oops. Forgot about that. So I told her they should walk home and call or text me when they got there. Five minutes later, I get a text from her saying “home”. Huh? It would take at least 10 minutes to walk. So I ask her if she ran home. Nope, dad’s friend picked us up. Which friend? The one he lives with. WTF?!? So I text him, “you got J to pick up the kids from school?” He texts back that he has no idea what I am talking about. He then texts me a few minutes later to say that she apologized and had been driving by, saw them and offered to drive them home and it was “an act of kindness”. Great. Now she knows where I live. Why was she driving by? She lives on the other side of town! So...I probably shouldn’t have, but I texted him that I didn’t like it and it makes me uncomfortable and that I don’t want her driving our kids anywhere. No response, of course. I then texted him later that I had told them not to accept rides home from anyone unless it was prearranged or they call me or their dad to ask permission first. I don’t know. Maybe I watch too many true crime shows? Did I overreact?
I am just really mad right now. I am mad that relationship with my H has been reduced to the occasional text message. I am mad that he is a stranger to me. I am mad that I am going to have to deal with random strangers having access to my kids. I am mad that he checked out of being a husband and a father for the better part of four years, then broke up our family and now feels entitled to the same access to our kids as the person who has been there for them the entire time. I am mad that I married him and that I was stupid enough to trust him when all the signs were there that he was the kind of guy who cheats on his partners and abandons them without warning. I am mad that I have to deal with him in some way almost every day and it makes it very, very hard to not be mad!!!!! I AM MAD I AM MAD!!!! Maybe I am going mad???
Your feelings about not wanting any stranger - anyone that is not you, their father, MIL, or another trusted and approved adult should not be doing so. But I think in this instance, there is a chance it was an innocent act with the intent of just being nice. You and the kids' father should definitely be on the same page around this going forward. That dialogue has been started.
Your kids are safe, and they've learned a lesson. I'm glad they had the chance to review this lesson with you now when there was not a threat.
I found that I lead with my head and the heart has to catch up. Detachment, indifference. Love is indeed a feeling, as well as an action, a thought, and most important a belief.
As to the past tense - “loved him”. That is indicative of ruminating of the past, of better times, of different times. Speaking in a certain tense doesn’t mean you feel a certain way. That being said, speaking in the past tense can show the depression and sadness. Speaking future tense highlights the anxiety and fear. The present is peace and contentment.
The ride from school was an odd happenstance. I do agree with Yail it does seem like an innocent act. It is good you discussed it and your expectations with the twins regarding accepting rides.
I see you are mad, and you feel mad, but I do not believe you are mad.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thank you Yail and DnJ. My madness is fading...lol. I do think it was an innocent act but it still disturbed me. I think it just felt like “his life” was encroaching a little bit too much on mine. I still do not know for sure if there is something going on with my H and this woman or if it really is just a roommate situation. My MIL is convinced it is the latter. I tend to think that as well except that my H has lied about almost everything to me so why would this be any different? I told my MIL that I almost hope she is his “girlfriend” cause I feel like I could handle that for some reason. I’m not sure why... maybe because I have seen her and she is nothing like me? Or because she has been in the picture this whole time and I am just used to her even though I don’t know her.
So tonight I went on my email to see if my lawyer has sent me anything yet and I saw an email that I had sent myself earlier in the week. I had been cleaning up my storage at work and ran across a recording of a song my H had written about me early on in our relationship so I sent it to my home email. I wasn’t sure it would play on my IPhone but it did so I listened to it. Man was that guy ever head over heels for me then. At first it made me sad, that his feelings for me could have been so strong and now they are basically just gone. But when I listened to it a second time, it made me kinda happy. I think because it validated my experience with him... that my memories of him and I are real...that we were crazy about each other and that no matter what he says now or how he chooses to remember things, he cannot take that away from me. It was real. We were real. So this fantasy love that he is looking for... the one that just maintains itself with no effort from him... listening to that and hearing how hopeful and happy he was...not sure he could feel any more strongly for anyone than he did for me. And there is no way to mistake who he wrote it for since the chorous was basically my name and there were a number of references in it to things like where we went on our first date and a park right next to my house at the time. It was quite clever actually. Reminded me of some of the qualities that made me love him in the first place. Bittersweet...to say the least.
This most recent post has a lot in it. If I could, I'd like to point out what I took from it.
The first paragraph I'm hearing someone who is frustrated by the lack of control. New things are popping up, and you didn't see them coming. You want to get your feet under you and know what to expect for a while. Whether it is a real lack of control or perceived I don't know, but your frustration seems to be that you just cant control or predict the future. This seems to jive with your anger with your H that he lied to you for so long.
The second paragraph made me happy to read. I'm glad you found that song. Remembering that you did have love that was real is so important to letting them go, IMO. As you heal and move forward I hope this fact that you loved each other brings you strength and an occasional fond memory - not bitterness or anger. Cycle through those feelings now, but I hope your final healing phase is one of appreciation.
Once we get through some bad stuff, process it a bit, we start realizing the good stuff. Continue to be patient, and get the whole picture. You know what you lived, you know what was real. I am glad you found it again. As Yail said it is important to know that when letting go.
Keep your headings. Compassion and understanding. It does take work, but things will fall into place.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
