Hi DV6! I'm just checking in again after being away for a while. It's great to read about your GAL, the friends who support you and your positive attitude! That's the way to do it!
Good luck today with the L.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
It seems like a lot of the WAS’s and WS’s on here are conflict avoidant and tend to bottle up their feelings with very little communication prior to BD. Part of me wishes my H was still in the home but another part is glad he is not. I miss the man I married but the guy I’ve been married to since our kids were born is very different. He slowly checked out. Stopped being interested in me. My sister said to me tonight that “he didn’t include you in his life at all.” I don’t think he was prepared for how our lives would change when we had our kids. All of a sudden there was a lot more real life work and responsibilities to deal with and he resented me for it.
That sounds SO much like my sitch as well. DV6 one thing I will tell you I found about appt's with my L. I go in dreading them, thoughts of "why am I here?", "I can't believe it's come to this", but then strangely every single time I've left, I've actually been happy. Perhaps it's that the discussion helps reveal to me the light at the end of the tunnel I'm seeking and a future free from the current dysfunction I'm living through. I hope once your appt is concluded you'll have the same feelings of hope.
Thanks Davide & Ballast. I am hoping the L appointment will be a positive thing. I still struggle with the idea that it has come to this... that my H is so determined to blow everything up and make life hard again without any attempt to save the marriage and preserve our family. I don’t want this...never even considered S or D even when I was at my lowest point in our marriage. But I accept that I cannot control this and I have no other choice but to move forward and try my best to make a new and better life for me and my kids. I hope there are good things ahead for us. (((HUGS)))
DV6, yep I COMPLETELY felt the exact same way every time I had to go to see my L. The only thing I can say is that I had to accept as you say and do whatever I have to in order to protect my rights and interests with my D. It helps to fashion that you are there for your family and not that it is due to your H's decision.
Originally Posted by DV6
I still struggle with the idea that it has come to this... that my H is so determined to blow everything up and make life hard again without any attempt to save the marriage and preserve our family. I don’t want this...never even considered S or D even when I was at my lowest point in our marriage.
Well...that was awkward. Just had a text conversation with my H's half sister who was inviting us to their dad's surprise 80th birthday party. Had to tell her we are separated. She had NO idea despite the fact that my H has been talking to his dad regularly. Not surprised though...his dad would have lots of questions and my H would have to do some more lying in order to save face so he hasn't told him anything. My SIL said she thinks there is something wrong with H and he needs help... he apparently got into a HUGE Facebook fight with their brother (H's half brother) a couple of days ago and now he has deleted his Facebook or at least blocked the family members. Funny...he told me he deleted Facebook years ago but I think he just blocked me because he didn't want me involved in "his life". I have confronted him on this a number of times... he has denied it every time and continues to even after all of his lies came to light. His last story was that he tried to add me but it wouldn't let him. Not sure he knows what is real and what is not anymore. He simply cannot tell the truth if it puts him in a bad light. He basically lies by omission until someone forces him to give an answer and then he makes something up while providing as little info as possible. Makes me wonder how far back this behaviour goes... It is a terrible way to live, that is for sure. I just couldn't do it. Makes me really sad because I know that he does have a heart in there somewhere... I see it when he is with our kids.
So...appointment with lawyer over. Basically agreed to most things my H wanted we a few corrections on some of the facts. I liked her. She wasn’t trying to make a lot of money off of me. Apparently his lawyer has the reputation. And she is quite argumentative. There was a lot of things written into the agreement that my L said was completely unnecessary and irrelevant to the separation. Anyway...it should be over and done with soon and my H can go looking for his greener grass.
I came home and my MIL had made me and my kids dinner. I love her. She has been my rock. I don’t know what I would do without her these past few years. She has been trying to talk to my H more. He complains to her sometimes. Said something to the effect that is tough being the guy that “everybody” hates. She has no idea who everybody is. He says people make a lot of assumptions about him and his mom told him it’s because he doesn’t tell people things about himself. He says he is “private”. There is a difference between being private and secretive. My H is the latter. You also can’t tell people much if you have four years worth of lies to keep track of. Must have been a hellish existance but it was self-created so I can’t feel too sorry for him. So strange that I do though.
Feeling kinda down this morning. I think the visit to the lawyer and my conversation with H's sister yesterday is still weighing on me a bit. Coming to terms with the reality of my sitch and still grieving the loss of what might have been if only... I know... cheeseless tunnel. I look down at my left hand as I'm typing this and I MISS my wedding ring and what it represented to me. I loved my H without reservation and took my vows very seriously. Commitment, loyalty, honesty... these values are so much a part of me... it is so hard to walk away from that and also to accept how easily my H walked away from me. I don't think he will miss me. He didn't the entire time he was hiding from me so why would he miss me now when he finally has everything he wanted? Anyway...I am going to feel sorry for myself for a couple more minutes and then get on with my day. Sending all of you my love and lots of long distance (((HUGS))).
DV6...once again everything you just wrote I have been living in my sitch. Sometimes even with my ring off there's like a phantom feel like it's still there OR it wants to be there. It is cliche but sincerely you are not alone in your feelings. And your partner's ability to just let everything you had together go...we each have to come to acceptance that there are many things in life perhaps that we will just never be able to understand.
DV, sorry you are feeling down! But I'm glad to hear that the two of you are pretty much in agreement on the terms of D, that certainly keeps a bad situation from getting a lot worse. And it's OK to grieve, grieving is NOT a cheeseless tunnel! Doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result is a cheeseless tunnel. You are doing great- constantly moving forward. Grief is part of it, don't fight it, let it happen!
Sorry it's been a bad day for you DV. These will come. Let them in, feel them, then quietly let them go. They will come back, but less frequently. Eventually, they will occur so rarely that they will take you by surprise. I was walking in a crowd the other day and I suddenly smelled something that reminded me of my H - that I've been playing 'sport' smell he had when he came home from football practice or the gym. Hit me hard. But not with sadness. Just recognition. And then it passed.
Also, one little word stuck out for me in your last post ...
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
I loved my H without reservation and took my vows very seriously.
"loved" ... past tense.
A Freudian slip perhaps. But something worth you taking note of.
