I can’t believe your W said that to you Bo. Bizarre. Although that’s probably what my H was thinking when I asked him that question. Amazing since I have stood by him for four years of his FAKE treatment schedule. I will never know the truth but I suspect that he was getting treatment about 10% of the first two and half years that he said he was and about 2% of the last 7 months. Since I learned about his lying, he has been to the hospital three maybe four times in four months. I am still incredulous at the thought of that. You think after 13 years together, that you would know someone. I don’t know my H at all. I’m not sure anyone does.
Good luck with finding a lawyer. Sorry that you need one.
So life has given me some lemons and now I just have to make lemonade Limoncello.
I like it! I just, for the first time, am making my own! Just bottled it last night, and will wait 1 - 2 weeks to taste it. Cheers!
DejaVu - I don't post as much as I did in the beginning, but I check in on everyone from time to time. I can perfectly relate how the switch in feelings come right out of the blue. I am mostly at peace, and content with my life. I even told a friend last weekend that I really feel like in the end, I will not end up a divorced woman. Wishful thinking perhaps, but just a feeling that was there. Then, a few days later, the desperation and questions set in. How long do I let this go on with NC? How can we even thing about starting to work on M with we don’t have any meaningful contact? Does H even think about R. Do any tender feelings for me remain? No indication from him on anything. Just started month 4 with him out. But, no mention of talking or D. But, I reached out to an attorney just to meet them “just in case”. I’m trying to be logical and smart, and not let my feelings cloud reality. It’s tough, though.
Also said that if he had been remotely honest with me when we first moved, we wouldn’t both be going into debt right now and that he single-handedly ensured that neither of us would be retiring early, there would be a distinct lack of vacations, no big retirement boat and we would not be able to help our kids pay for school as much as we thought so they, too, will have to go into debt...starting with his daughter.
I can definitely relate to this. I think this is what a lot of us really resent about our situations is our future has been shot to hell. A future we've been planning on and working towards for years or even decades. It's absolutely amazing how quickly something like that can unwind. The only thing I'll counsel on this is try not to blame your H. What I came to realize out of my sitch is my ex wasn't responsible for my future and my retirement planning, she never was. I was planning for a future that was never going to happen! I made too many assumptions and acted accordingly. In retrospect had I known what was going to happen I could have insulated myself (and my kids) from it better. There were things I spent money on over the years that I didn't need to, I only did it because I believed the illusion that my financial situation would stay the same forever. I believed we were "two made one" but no one should ever see a marriage that way. Marriage is two people in a partnership, and like any partnership, either party can dissolve it at any time. So you work to maintain the partnership, while also being mindful of the fact that you are two separate parties in a relationship and that you need to plan for the future together AND separately.
If telling him off made you feel better then that's fine, sometimes we need that. But if your words had any impact on him at all it was probably a negative one. He doesn't need to be lectured on how terrible he is, it just makes you look like the bad guy to him. And deep inside he KNOWS he's terrible and in the wrong. Maybe he'll face that down some day and maybe he won't, but that's his journey to make and you can't speed him along on it.
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Right now I am just really irritated by the unfairness of it all and having to go back into debt again. It was glorious to be debt-free for 18 months, that is for sure.
My ex and I always maintained separate bank accounts. A couple of years before BD I used my savings to pay off the rest of our home loan. For one of her Christmas gifts I gave her the loan form they had sent me stamped "paid in full". When she opened it she had a funny look on her face, wasn't as thrilled as I thought she would be! She said she didn't understand and I told her I had paid off the house and we were 100% debt free. Little did I know she had secretly accumulated 70k in credit card debt over a span of 10+ years. She didn't disclose that until months later, and it was then that I realized why she wasn't excited about being "debt free" because we weren't. Ugh. We eventually paid off her debt but BD followed not too long after and now I have another loan on the house. So I'm right there with you!
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I keep thinking about all the people I know who have good marriages and the one thing I keep coming back to is that they have a good partnership and a friendship.
There are a lot of people out there that are faking it, some quite effectively. I can't tell you how many "happy" couples I've seen motoring along and then all of a sudden BOOM the bomb drops. Then all the usual "I was never happy, I've been unhappy for years, this was never going to work" comments. There are a lot of ticking time bombs out there masquerading as happy marriages.
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The more I think about this, the more I realize that my H and I did almost none of that. He stopped liking my company soon after we had kids. Needed his alone time and space and I gave him all of that. When we were together, he seemed irritable, stressed and pressured...always in a hurry. The more I remember, the more I think that I have been deluding myself about the person that I married and the marriage that I had. It is really painful to think about this stuff. I put up with so much crap. I was essentially ignored for years. Honestly...I should be the WAS.
Yeah that does not sound normal or healthy. Sounds like you had blinders on for the sake of the M. The last comment that maybe you should have been the WAS, that's a strong sign you are coming out of the fog. Because most of us here would have said the same before BD. BD triggers something in us- something that makes us forget how bad (or maybe just "bland") things were, makes us remember nothing but good things and make us want to do anything to save the M. Once we start remembering that things weren't so great after all, that is when we know we're on the path to recovery.
Once we start remembering that things weren't so great after all, that is when we know we're on the path to recovery.
Boy did this ring true for me! I've put a whole lot of thought into this over the last 4 months, after I stopped the desperate pursuing to save the marriage. Although I still want to reconcile, I want a totally new relationship with H. No movement in any direction, so I still have the gift of time to continue to self-examine and evolve. I wonder if H has/is doing any of that?
AS - Thanks for taking the time to post on my thread. You gave me a lot to think about. I have definitely learned that assumptions are a set up and I will not make that mistake again. Going back into debt is something I thought I would avoid so it is definitely an adjustment. I think what stings the most, however, is that by pretending to be in nightly treatments for an illness (so embarrassed still that I was that gullible), my H basically robbed me of the opportunity to do anything to either work on the relationship or walk away from it of my own volition. He basically pushed pause and left me to deal with all of the house and child responsibilities until he felt ready to leave. I was starving for affection from him but felt I didn't have the right to ask anything of him because of his illness and the impact that stress has on it. So I just suffered in silence... for years. And now that the secret is out, he just wants everyone to adjust their lives accordingly, forget that he played us for fools for four YEARS and have 50% time with the same kids he basically ignored for all of that time. It is a really, really tough pill to swallow. But...I am working on it... for my sake and for my kids' sake. They need me to be okay.
I saw my doctor this morning. Her H "checked out" after 21 years when her kids were young teens. It was 16 years ago though so she is long past it. She empathized with me big time. Says people are very good at lying when they need to be.
Grace - I hope your H is doing the work. I don't think my H is. I think he thinks that once he has checked off a bunch of logistical goals... [1. Dump wife, 2. Get wife to buy me out. 3. Get 50% custody and avoid child support payments 4. Buy house and go into debt. etc...] he will be XH 2.0 and won't really need to look inwards. After all, his unhappiness was about being married to me. It could not have had anything to do with the fact that he emotionally abandoned me the second real life stressor showed up (kids, bills, household responsibilities, etc...) or that he has no real moral code or value system to guide his decision making. Clearly he does not believe in loyalty, commitment and honesty. I don't think those three things are even in his top 10.
I think if you keep doing what you are doing and giving your H space, he will find his way back and want to have a MR 2.0 as well. It's just going to depend on whether or not you do by the time he does.
Hi Deja, I don’t come up here to newcomers that often, but I’ll admit, your thread is one that I creep on. So much of what you are going through resonates with me. My ex wasn’t sick and getting treatments, but he was involved in a big lawsuit that took priority over everything else for years. As such, I stepped back as the wife who had needs and wants and completely twisted myself into a million knots trying to please my ex so he wouldn’t be too stressed out during the trying time. It was tough. So, after he lost the lawsuit, and declared his unhappiness with ME (the one who was there through thick and thin) and manipulated me to leave the home (huge mistake on my part), he moved on with his life completely unscathed and unphased by the destruction he has caused. To this day (almost 4 years later) I can’t wrap my head around his lack of emotion of the whole experience. I’ve tried to rationalize it in a million ways, but it’s futile. I’m also his second wife. Oh and my ex also had that martyr personality where pre-separation, he felt like he still was so dutiful to others, he even funded a women’s abortion. To this day I’m not even sure that kid wasn’t his. Anyway......this is not about me... I just know it’s comforting to know that there are others out there who have been in similar camps.
I know how hard it all is... and for what it’s worth, you are doing well. Keep moving forward with love and integrity and you will be ok. You will be the role model for your kids and you will survive this.
Just know you have people in your corner rooting for you from afar.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
I think if you keep doing what you are doing and giving your H space, he will find his way back and want to have a MR 2.0 as well. It's just going to depend on whether or not you do by the time he does.
This is good advice DV. None of us here could have put it any better.
I will add focus on you and your own healing for a bit. As long as your H does right by your children, then fcuk him, his motivations and whether he feels guilty or ashamed or alone or whatever. Right now none of it matters. The only thing that matters is you and the kids. Yes, there will be unavoidable contact and communication. Deal with these quickly and as efficiently as you can and then carry on with your day. Right now you need to get out of the tunnels so you can see the light and breath the air again. Holding on to his every action both past and present does not help you. First you need to find you and the only way to do that is to GAL and detach. Once you've found you you will be in a better position to look at the past (and the present) in an objective way. Then forgiveness will come. You will also forgive yourself.
Did you ever contact the women you met before christmas? If not, you so should. Invite them out for a jazz night, or a comedy night or a play, or even just a movie.
Hi Deja, I havent posted in awhile but still learn a lot and feel a connection to you and others. You’re pain and anger at you’re situation with you’re H and you’re stories of moments and days where you are happy and remember and can love yourself give me hope. I have been praying for you and other people on this board, mostly for Reconcilliation and also for healing and happiness and a bright future no matter what happens. I’m glad you have a sister who is a big support to you, I wouldn’t know what I would do without my sisters. But I also dont want my sisters to hate my H, its not easy. My H and I have had a crazy time since the BD, he got stabbed, was in the hospital and missed TGing. Over Christmas hid Dad fell and we spent most of the holiday visiting him, yesterday he passed away, We still have so much to work through in MCing and even then I dont know if I can get past the betrayal and the hurt he has caused me. I’m trying to be supportive but at times want to call it quits, we both are estranged to one another. I guess what I would say to you from someone whose H still lives in the same house and sleeps in the same bed, is that I have many of the same feelings as you do even though we are together for the most part. I feel like I don’t know him, he led a charade and then blamed me for the reason he bottled it up and never told me he was unhappy. ( I was always too sensitive apparently). Eventually in therapy he will have to admit that what did was shitty and a lame excuse, i blamed myself and beat myself up at first but MCing has opened up my eyes to how many issues he has and it has been very empowering for me. I was petrified to go to MC and im grateful i faced my fear and went, it has been validating for me and if nothing else will help me to move on if we do D. All of youre feelings are valid and spot on I guess is what im trying to say although im sure you know that. But I really want you to know it in youre heart of hearts. So much of this is about our H’s and not about us, it sounds so cliche and redundant but it is the truth! Anyhoo im wishing you all the best in 2019. Thank you for pouring youre thoughts and feeling out on this board, you have helped me and I know you have helped others not feel so alone.
Once we start remembering that things weren't so great after all, that is when we know we're on the path to recovery.
Boy did this ring true for me! I've put a whole lot of thought into this over the last 4 months, after I stopped the desperate pursuing to save the marriage. Although I still want to reconcile, I want a totally new relationship with H. No movement in any direction, so I still have the gift of time to continue to self-examine and evolve. I wonder if H has/is doing any of that?
Probably not, the WAS's timeline to recovery is a lot longer than the LBS's. I don't think they even start to do their work until the LBS has nearly finished theirs. I'm pretty vocal around here about the fact that a lot of recons end up in the bin because by the time the WAS wants to recon, the LBS is done with them. And I think this disparity in timelines is a big reason for it. If both did the work and recovered around the same time I think the recon prospects would be better, but the WAS lags so far behind that the LBS goes on to a new life by then.
Pax_luv - You can creep on my thread anytime. Thank-you for your support. I know very well the feeling of twisting yourself into knots and trying to make everything okay for your spouse who is going through a rough time. It makes the betrayal ten times harder to accept when you so consciously put your needs aside for such a long time. It’s like you gave up your right to feel unhappy because you think it is something outside of your control that is creating the problem. And then you find out that no, your H was actually blaming you. It is a horrible feeling. My H was very emotional when this all started but now he is just steadfast and in a rush to get all the t’s crossed and the i’s dotted on our separation agreement.
FS - That woman I met was supposed to come to my NYE party but got stuck doing something with family. She texted me the next morning to apologize and I texted her back and asked if she wanted to come by for a glass of wine. Haven’t heard from her since. My sister has a meeting tomorrow that she will likely be at so she is going to say “hi” for me.
Sansa - I have read your thread as well. It seems like a lot of the WAS’s and WS’s on here are conflict avoidant and tend to bottle up their feelings with very little communication prior to BD. Part of me wishes my H was still in the home but another part is glad he is not. I miss the man I married but the guy I’ve been married to since our kids were born is very different. He slowly checked out. Stopped being interested in me. My sister said to me tonight that “he didn’t include you in his life at all.” I don’t think he was prepared for how our lives would change when we had our kids. All of a sudden there was a lot more real life work and responsibilities to deal with and he resented me for it. Thank you for your kind words. I don’t know what I would do without this community of people to tell my feelings and thoughts to. If it helps people feel more hopeful and not so alone, that is an extra blessing. I hope that your MC helps to clarify things for you. (((HUGS)))
AS - That makes sense to me. My H has no reason to do any work right now. He is too focused on getting going on his “new life” to look inwards. It’s also way too painful. I think he was doing much more self reflection at the beginning of this. That’s pretty much by the wayside now.
So I am glad I went to pool tonight. I had fun and we had lots of laughs. It felt good to laugh. I am blessed to have so many friends who care about me. Tomorrow is my first lawyer appointment. It is going to be an interesting day.
