Not a fan of limoncello but I do like the sentiment Yail.
DV - you are one of the best mums I don't know. It won't matter if your kids grow up in a two parent family, one parent family or blended family. They have already won.
You’re doing great DJ! I love the attitude in your postings.
There are going to be days where you backslide, but they will become further and further apart.
One time after a couple weeks of feeling fine, I accidentally burned a pastry and completely broke down. I stood next to the trash can eating the less-burnt parts of the snack sobbing and thinking about how I can’t even toast a damn pastry. How am I supposed to go on and be a good parent? I got my sht together a few minutes later and immediately made plans to go out with my best friend.
That’s an important thing, too. Friends. Interacting with other people. Getting out there and making connections. They don’t have to be deep BFF’s, they don’t have to be romantic, they don’t have to be with any purpose other than to experience that the world has much much much more to offer! Even some of the people from my divorce therapy group became my friends and I keep in touch with them often.
It’s going to be OK!
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
FS - Thanks for the vote of confidence. I don’t always feel like a great mom but last night I heard my kids say good-night to each other and then “I love you” and “I love you more.” That was a proud mommy moment.
Joe - Thanks. I don’t know why but backslide days seem to follow really good attitude days. It’s almost like there is a part of me that doesn’t want to completely let my H go which is crazy to me because 1) he was incredibly dishonest and neglectful and 2) he is already gone...and he was gone a long time before BD. So it is more like I miss the idea of him than I miss him. My MIL and I were talking last night and we both remember that he wasn’t particularly fun to be around. So the part of me that doesn’t want to let him go is really starting to annoy me because believe me, I WANT TO LET HIM GO... for real. And there are days when I feel like I have. And then there are days when I just miss him and my head is swirling with 13 years of memories and feelings. How he just walks away from that with barely a second glance is almost incomprehensible. Clearly we are very different people. I knew that... I just didn’t know how different.
WHy is it that things always just hit you out of the blue. Pretty good day today. Did some arts and crafts with my D11 while her brother had a friend over. My sister was here as well and my BIL joined us for dinner. But I’ve just been struggling for the last couple of hours. A bit of a headache and then just feeling really blue. Had to leave my living room and hide out in my MBR to have a bit of a cry. I was thinking about my H and all the chances we had to change the trajectory of our M. We were so in love once. I know... cheeseless tunnel. Just peaking in the door.
My MIL says that some people just aren’t cut out for marriage or long term relationships and she thinks my H is one of those people. He’s great in the short term but when things get hard or routine, he’s looking for a way out. She even said that if I got something like cancer, she doesn’t think he would have been able to deal with it. His own mother thinks he is the kind of guy who would cut out on a sick wife. She thinks that he is like this because he never had the experience of living on his own and having to fend for himself the way most people do in their 20s so that is what he is doing now. Going back and trying to do it over.
Really need to get out of this funk. Going to go cuddle with my kids.
I have random breakdown moments as well. Just let it happen, and you'll come out of it naturally. The grief process for what we're going through is a long one.
Thanks P9. I appreciate the hugs. This really is a process, isn’t it? Some days I just feel so strong and others... I just want my family back together again. If there is one thing that I am going to try to do better in the future, it is to be more present and in the moment and to make sure the people I love FEEL loved by me. The last few years, I have been on auto pilot and that’s no way to live. So even though I am going through a lot of pain right now and I would love to just skip over it, I think it is important to really feel it... strange as that may be. My H appears to have skipped that part...I think he is just so relieved to not be living a lie anymore that he has barely considered just how much his life is going to change over the long term. It won’t all be good either.
Hey DV - Sometimes it is the very littlest things that have the power to set us back. If it helps, these moments happen less and less over time. My H called me at 11:30 last night. The phone only rang twice before it cut off. It reminded me he always use to call me at night before he went to bed and that sometimes I would let it ring out because I was already in bed and wanted to go to sleep or cut the phone call short because I wanted to get back to my movie or book. Anyway, like you say, things could have been so different if we had just known. But we didn't know. We can't go back and fix it. We can only move forward. Move forward with love.
Having said that, grief is a process. We can't stop it from entering. Trying to do so when it is so desperate to come in is futile. So you are right, when it wants to come in, feel it, but, and I mean this kindly, don't allow yourself to stew in it.
Let it in, allow yourself to feel it, then tell it to go. Mentally write it on a piece of paper then visualise standing on the top of a mountain and letting the wind take the paper away. Feel the coolness of the wind as it does this.
If you can't do this on your own, then (and I know I've said this before), try one of the guided meditations on YouTube. There are really good ones on there about learning to let go, releasing your fears and healing a broken heart. It is 30 minutes before you go to sleep. Try it for a couple of days ... if it doesn't help then all you've lost is a few hours.
In this new year, let go of the things that no longer serve you. Oh, and try and balance the grief with good moments. Building new memories with your children is a good start. Don't forget to build new memories on your own too - not just as DV the mum, an awesome a mum as I know you are.
Oh, and I know your MIL is trying to help but IMHO, someone telling you that your H 'would walk out on his sick wife' is not what you need right now. You do not need someone to validate your resentment. It will keep you in that hole longer. You need to get out.
I know your MIL is trying to help but IMHO, someone telling you that your H 'would walk out on his sick wife' is not what you need right now. You do not need someone to validate your resentment.
Amen to that.
Everyone seeks answers and reasons for what happened, friends, family, MIL, everyone. A lot of these answers or reasons lack understanding. This is pretty darn alien to most people, cannot expect them to understand. Most want a narrative they can accept and get on with things.
You will find understanding of your situation, that will most likely be at first, different from understanding of the situation. That’s one of the reasons that being patient and letting answers present themselves is such good advice.
Be careful DV, you are broken, things can easily get deep within yourself right now, and they are devilishly hard to remove later. Conversely, you can remove or modify some of those things you don’t really like. This is a golden opportunity if you choose it to be.
Do you really “believe” your H, the man of 13 years ago, for many of those years, would actually walk out on a sick you? Or is it just a quick easy answer that can allow you to move on?
Moving forward is different than moving on. In my experience, most everyone moved on with their lives after W blew up, very few moved forward.
Do not feed your resentment, feelings, they will pass. Grieve and move forward. Use this gift of time you have been granted. Focus on you, work on you.
Those out of the blue moments that drag you back. Welcome them. Those are your subconscious mind accepting, pushing back denial, challenging, seeing clearly. Like most things in life we see the bad of a situation first, then the good shows through (if you are still looking). FWIW, from my point of view, these backslides are needed and misnamed. This is forward progress, those bumps are in front of you.
Be patient, focus, and keep moving forward.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I woke up feeling much better this morning. Had a lazy day at home watching movies and doing some painting (Xmas village houses) with my sister and D11. My sadness from yesterday has faded somewhat. Despite all the crappy things my H has done, I don’t spend a lot of time resenting him as I know it doesn’t do me or my kids any good. Do I think my H would really walk out on his sick wife of 13 years? Funny... I actually asked him what he would do if I got really sick. If he had asked me this question, I would not have hesitated. Of course, I would be there for you. His answer? “I don’t know what I would do.” So would he? Ummm... I’d say 50/50 chance of it. He has spent four years resenting me for what I don’t know...but he seems to have some reasons that he’s not really able to articulate... or they seem lame when he says them outloud so he just doesn’t. There are not a lot of good reasons for breaking up a family.
I agree with you DnJ about the sadness being denial pushed back. And I am moving forward. I have not choice and I am not someone who is comfortable with letting negativity reign. Forgiveness is always my goal. My H knows this... he is counting on it.
Tuesday is my first lawyer meeting. I am dreading it and looking forward to it all at the same time. It is one more step toward D and also one step closer to detachment. Hopefully we can come to an agreement soon. My H is anxious to buy a house and go deeply in debt for life. Yep... I’d be in a rush too. [insert eye roll]
Anyway...off to get my kids going on their bedtime routines. Back to school and work tomorrow. Ugh.
There are not a lot of good reasons for breaking up a family.
(((DV6))) I’m so sorry to hear, and I agree with what I quoted above.
I have something similar, perhaps: I’ve been with W through 2 pregnancies, and a TON of dental work for her (she hates the dentist)—so taking care of her after she would go to the dentist, listen to her anxieties / fears, as well as the financial costs of that. I stuck by her through all that, though I admit that I got grumbly at first about the financial aspects of her dental work, but for me it faded into acceptance and dealing with it. But if she leaves guess who has to deal with it?!?!?
I threw out my back back in February—probably around the time when things really started to go south with W. What did she say to me? “I wish I loved you enough to want to take care of you.”
Like you, I should probably lawyer up—that’s gonna be one of the projects for the first part of my week, now that a new semester of teaching is starting for me.
