Whirlwind of Hurt 7

[Twofeet]

Old thread.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2827673&page=11

As AnotherStander said at the end of the last thread "I think it's probably upsetting you because you were still clinging to the notion that maybe somewhere down deep she still loves you and wants to be with you and that this is all just a bad dream that'll wash away with the morning light." Yes, this is true even now at this moment. A little piece of me hopes it's all a bad dream. It not my personality type to let go or give up, I see it as failure and quitting. W would sometimes say to me you always get what you want. I would say yes because I stand up and fight for what I want, I put in the backbreaking work to get what I want, nothing I want in life was ever handed to me. Unfortunately, this may be one of the few exceptions I will experience I won't get what I want and hard work won't make a difference. It does feel like utter failure. However, I did win the lottery 3 times over with the kids I have. Sometimes I wish there could have been a 4th, but then in all likelihood I wouldn't be here and I would probably be a widower instead. Weird thought.

AS if I had to guess I would say I am rolling into stage 5.

Again,

She probably just is pushing to get me to sign asap so she can move on in her affair without feeling guilty. Like you said there is still a chain attached to my side of the fence. When I dropped the kids off yesterday at her house S3 was upset and didn't want me to leave. He told W, I don't like you mommy go away. W said he does that all the time. I said oh really, this is the first time I am seeing it. S3 was clinging to me like glue so she said I could stay and hold S3 on the bench till he was ready for me to go (I am not sitting on OM furniture). I held S3 then W pushed me about signing again. I said I wasn't taking the kids to the L office. She made up some fantasy where she thought I told her my parents were going to watch the kids so I would have it signed by now. I told her no as I told you before it will be signed early next week after I drop the kids off at school. This pissed her off so she kindly kicked me out off the house before S3 was ready. I put up no fight stayed cordial and left. No rollercoaster ride on that one, just annoyed with her.

[Twofeet]

Oh and I found a comment under a blog about MLC that I want to share.

MLC is very real. I had it happen to me. When I found a network of men (over 1200) who all had it happen to them, I found an uncanny similarity to their ex’s and mine, down to the things they said. It was like a textbook and all of these women followed it precisely. PRECISELY!

I did much research on MLC and found very simply that it occurs in people who think people outside of themselves make them happy. It comes from a childhood where the world is taken care of for you. Where you are emotionally immature and unsophisticated. You are taught that life is about performance but given nothing inside as resources to deal with life. It has little to do with hormones but does have a lot to do with a certain type of childhood as the foundation (I’ve interviewed hundreds of other men and all our ex’s are exactly the same upbringing) and a sudden change in life later in life (death of close relative, major move, etc) between the ages of 35-42 and 48-53. That change brings about a boredom. But keep in mind that these people live a life where they are easily bored, don’t express their true needs, and are all very codependent. Those that “stand” for them are also very codependent as the utter crap thrown at you when these people think they have met the man of their dreams is unbelievable.

And later he said

I have written quite a bit on various MLC sites on the subject of MLC having done extensive research. I don’t call it a disease. Rather I call it a conditioning. We all wake up one day and wonder what happened to us. How did we waste our lives. What can we use as a crutch to get us to “feel” better. For some it’s a sports car. A motorcycle. Others an affair. Those that can’t work out that this point in life (midlife transition) is about us and only we can fix have a crisis. Everyone has a mid-life transition. Only a certain type have a crisis. As I said, you have to be emotionally immature and unsophisticated to go down that path of crisis.

I remember the day I woke up and suddenly thought I had wasted my life. I somehow thought a motorcycle was going to make me happier. I eventually talked myself out of it and found happiness again. most of us do. Who doesn’t get to point of wanting to leave their spouse.

Life is a cycle. We all remember how good it felt that first time around with our spouses. How tickley feeling felt inside. Eventually that goes away. That is natural part of a relationship. And we cycle from lows to highs for the rest of it. It’s the immature who don’t see that it’s about them when the bad times come to be. Rather they reason in their mind this way:

You don’t make me happy anymore. We used to be happy, but I don’t get that from you anymore. He makes me happy. He gives me that feeling we used to have. So if he makes me happy and you don’t it must be our relationship…

And to that I say, no, it’s you. I can’t make you happy. Only you can.......
Sorry, there is no mystery to MLC. Only terrible hurt and pain as a person destroys their family due to selfishness.

In another post he says

You seem to think only men go through this. Just as many women do it. It is a product of our society but not limited to the US. I attribute it to one key factor, a person who is emotionally immature and unsophisticated, traits that started in childhood.

In the thousands of first hand stories I’ve read (yes thousands) I found one of two situations where women do it. First is where they are in a relationship that started in the very early years of their life. These “teen brides” hit a wall after getting older and since they have no worldly experience when the “I’m in love” moment comes around with another guy they look at their “old” relationship and say wait a minute, he makes me happy but you don’t, so it must be YOU! Of course no one can make you happy. You have to find the happiness in yourself and the world.

The second sitch I didn't post because it didn't apply to me it was more towards a NGS person marrying a fixer upper.

Anyway his description or 1st scenario type of a mlc strongly resembles my sitch. I just didn't think a 35 y/o woman could through a mlc, but in retrospect the signs were there whether you call it a mlc or not. Like I said this is pretty on point to my sitch. Especially, the taken care of part in my W childhood and extending into our MR.

[LH19]

TF

I have always been fascinated with how people who come here characterize their situations. IMO the vast majority of people who come here spouses show signs of MLC. I know I once took a test online to find out if you are having a MLC and answering how my ex would and she scored like 90% she was having a MLC. Hanging out with younger friends, plastic surgery etc.

I have seen people come on here and suggest that their 27 year old spouse is going through MLC???? I have come to think that if they can label it makes them feel better. I think for some it is even a way to excuse ther spouses behavior.

I've come to realize that MLC, WW, WAW its all the same. A grown adult making a conscious decision to walk away from a marriage knowing full well it is logically not what they are supposed to do unless obviously abuse, addiction etc. are involved.

Just wanted your take. I assume you believe your W is going through a MLC. Does that make you feel better, or worse about your situation?

[Twofeet]

LH,

I don't think my W is necessarily in a MLC. I mean there were signs and things she said that might indicate that. From what I can gather it seems like the difference between MLC and WS is that IF they come back at all the WS might be more likely to comeback sooner. My IC who used to see W before W declared herself "healed" doesn't call it MLC. She says W has just regressed to a point in life she feels she missed out on. There is some definite immaturity on W part. In those texts I saw to OM it was like a teenager talking. That in itself blew me away.

I just posted that gentleman's comments because in his search for answers he kept finding a scenario that plays fiddle to my sitch. It gives me comfort to know that this is a common theme, and I am not some PoS that caused this. Anyway, W was my only GF, she had 1 BF before me, but that was like at 14 or 15 and not much substance. Her life was very taken cared of and some of that extended into our MR. Hell when I asked her parents permission to M her father warned me that she was spoiled and that was something I would have to contend with. As he jokingly put it he had a no return policy.

What I do know is that my W has been chasing happiness pretty hard for a while now. Probably since D5 maybe it started as early as after D8. I have been riding that MR ride for a while now and it hasn't been easy. It has made me despise the happy wife happy life mantra. For me it has been happy wife, is happy wife until wife needs to find the next thing to make her happy. Now don't get me wrong I think we had a pretty good MR and we got along great despite our headstrong personalities. However, my own faults and flaws in the MR didn't help our sitch, but I am not sure that it even makes a difference other than to be perfect would only delay the inevitable. Happiness comes from within not from, things, places, or AP.

So WS or MLC? I am not sure it matters what title you throw on it. She left to seek her happiness in a new life, in a AP, and at the expense of our kids/family/MR.

[Twofeet]

Can anyone give me the details I need for a divorce/custody diary? I was told today I am kind of doing it wrong.

[Ready2Change]

Can anyone give me the details I need for a divorce/custody diary? I was told today I am kind of doing it wrong.

I just did a search on DuckDuckGo for "divorce/custody diary". Looked like good info.


Do you believe W will challenge custody?

[Twofeet]

I don't forsee her challenging custody. I wouldn't be surprised if the kids go from 50/50 to spending more time with me. It's mostly in case I need to challenge her for custody. I hope I never have to go down that road, but I also never thought W would D me. I have just heard too many horror stories. I just hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

[Twofeet]

I should say the the plan is 50/50 but since she left in early November it's been closer to 60/40 with me having them 60% of the time. I'm okay with that and I wouldn't challenge for something like that. Its mostly just in case things get toxic. She is loopy and has already done some things that are subpar parenting. It's nothing that that needs a legal challenge as of yet.

[Twofeet]

Well today was D-day. She handed me the hammer and the nails and basically said its now your turn to put the final nails in the coffin of the MR. I went down to the mediator/lawyers office to review (cause W forgot to when she signed), and sign the decree. I looked at the paralegal and said " that's it?" She said "yep that is it." We looked at each other shrugged our shoulders and I left and went back to work. In 7 to 10 business days it will be official. I will be civilly divorced, but in the eyes of my religious faith/church/God I will not be divorced... Ugg.

I didn't get one of those weight off my chest relief feelings like I have read on here. I failed to DB my MR and just kind of feel bummed and down. I feel like a failure even though I probably shouldn't. I called and let my folks know it was done and my Mom kept saying well TF from here on out its only going to get better. To which I responded well I hope the better hurries up, I could use some more better right about now.

W lit my phone up this morning wanting to know if I went down to sign. I pissed me off and I wanted to give her a piece of my mind, but I didn't. She didn't get any response. Its just not worth my time. I am not bitter, I am okay, I will be okay, I am just extremely disappointed.

[EZdozit]

TF,

Sorry to hear but glad you didn’t have the sudden realization that you are now divorced. I can only pray mine can get to that point without it being a bloodbath...

[LH19]

I didn't get one of those weight off my chest relief feelings like I have read on here. I failed to DB my MR and just kind of feel bummed and down. I feel like a failure even though I probably shouldn't. I called and let my folks know it was done and my Mom kept saying well TF from here on out its only going to get better.

Hey man I am sorry. I can understand why you feel like a failure I was there at one point. I know you don't realize it now but the fact that this all happened so fast is a blessing in disguise. You are going to find out so many things about yourself that you never realized. You are still so young that you have your entire life ahead of you. Trust me when I tell you that you will learn to like being home by yourself. Plus your kids are young and will be in sports that you will attend on you off days so you will see them more then you think.

I started running when I was healing in my sitch. I would listen to "Feeling Stronger" by Chicago and it would totally speak to me. Then when I was done running I would walk down the street to my house and listen to "Ordinary World" by Duran Duran. I would think about us walking the kids in their strollers down that same street and it would make me cry.
This morning I went for a run and listened to the same songs as I had last year. I had tears again but they were for a different reason. I have found my new Ordinary World and I am so proud of how far I have come that I shed tears of joy.

You are 13 years younger then me and will have the world by the b@lls when your ready. It will take some time but you will get there. I can usually tell which newbies are going to survive and thrive and which ones won't.

Lastly, my gut tells me she'll be back. Don't wait for her though because that will just prolong it. I still predict that when it happens you will say "thanks but no thanks".

One day at a time my friend.

[Wanted1]

TF,

I'll be in the same boat as you once mine is final from the Catholic faith aspect. I still have another 6 or so weeks to go before an order can even be signed (60 day statutory waiting period). Are you going to proceed with the annulment process right away? I think I'm going to once the decree is signed, sealed and delivered.

[Bo562]

TF,

I’m so sorry.

(((Hugs)))

[Twofeet]

TF,

I'll be in the same boat as you once mine is final from the Catholic faith aspect. I still have another 6 or so weeks to go before an order can even be signed (60 day statutory waiting period). Are you going to proceed with the annulment process right away? I think I'm going to once the decree is signed, sealed and delivered.

Wanted1,

It was recommend that once the D is final to proceed with annulment because everything is still fresh in your mind. I haven't decided what I am going to do. I have talked to a couple of people who have been granted and a few who have been denied annulment. I need to talk to a priest next. The problem that I am seeing is that its not looking good. We were so traditional, straight laced and by the book while we dated and up to the sacrament of marriage that it may not be granted. What I think some Catholics don't realize is that if its declined you are supposed to remain celibate until the death of your spouse (or if your spouse comes back), otherwise you cannot not receive communion and you are committing mortal sin (adultery). Its a big nasty pill to swallow and I don't know what to think about it right now. I have read that it has caused quite a few people (seems like LBS types) to walk away from the church.
I am not even ready to think about an R right now so I have time to process it. Mostly I just need to focus on bettering my life for myself and my kids.

[Ready2Change]

Lastly, my gut tells me she'll be back. Don't wait for her though because that will just prolong it. I still predict that when it happens you will say "thanks but no thanks".

It will be a total mind F....I predict it will happen as well. Most likely you will have another significant other.

....I feel like a failure even though I probably shouldn't....

DBing is not a sprint. It is a marathon. Set her free. Forgive her. Forgive yourself. Focus on being the best dad and keep focused on your personal growth. You have kids together. There will be many interactions. Your W will be watching you.
Read, and reread the attraction thread started by Coach.

[Twofeet]

LH19,

Duran Duran has always been a favorite of mine after seeing their music videos as a kids when MTV would play string of 80s videos.

As far as waiting around goes.... I have some goals and aspirations I want to achieve in life that are easier to accomplish with a partner. So in order for me to achieve these things solo I am going to really have to step it up and bust my tail. What I am saying is I wont have time to wait around for her.

[Wanted1]

TF,

I'll be in the same boat as you once mine is final from the Catholic faith aspect. I still have another 6 or so weeks to go before an order can even be signed (60 day statutory waiting period). Are you going to proceed with the annulment process right away? I think I'm going to once the decree is signed, sealed and delivered.

Wanted1,

It was recommend that once the D is final to proceed with annulment because everything is still fresh in your mind. I haven't decided what I am going to do. I have talked to a couple of people who have been granted and a few who have been denied annulment. I need to talk to a priest next. The problem that I am seeing is that its not looking good. We were so traditional, straight laced and by the book while we dated and up to the sacrament of marriage that it may not be granted. What I think some Catholics don't realize is that if its declined you are supposed to remain celibate until the death of your spouse (or if your spouse comes back), otherwise you cannot not receive communion and you are committing mortal sin (adultery). Its a big nasty pill to swallow and I don't know what to think about it right now. I have read that it has caused quite a few people (seems like LBS types) to walk away from the church.
I am not even ready to think about an R right now so I have time to process it. Mostly I just need to focus on bettering my life for myself and my kids.

I haven't researched it much other than the process. It gives me a some peace knowing that you found it was recommended to proceed right away since those are my feelings on it. Thanks for sharing that. I don't think I'll have any trouble getting mine granted if you've been following my sitch!

[Twofeet]

Just a question I think I already know the answer to. Now is the time of year when I typically start seeing new jobs in my industry and related industries. Today I have been approached for a REALLY good position with a company back in the state I moved from. My children are my anchor, and I could never imagine leaving them. Has anyone successfully negotiated a move with the Ex? Everything is so darn fresh I don't even know if I should even approach her on the topic.

[LH19]

TF,

You can approach her but I am pretty sure you are not going to like the outcome.

[Twofeet]

Yeah, I figured as much. It's disappointing because this position would flip things on its head and I would have to start paying her child support. If she wasn't involved with a paramour it might be a different story.

[LH19]

After M ex had filed I received an opportunity to move to Cali and would have been near her sister.

Just found out at Christmas her brother is moving out there. She's stuck here alone for at least another 11 years.

Oh those choices we make lol!

[Ready2Change]

Get a written job offer before approaching X. Let company know that your decision will be based on X willing to relocate as well.

[AnotherStander]

My children are my anchor, and I could never imagine leaving them. Has anyone successfully negotiated a move with the Ex? Everything is so darn fresh I don't even know if I should even approach her on the topic.

What do you mean, what is it you want to negotiate? Visitation? I mean she can't keep you from moving, but if you do you will likely give up your parental rights. I would think about all you could negotiate is seeing them once a month or so. I have two friends (in different states) who were both required to have a clause in their D decrees that if either party moved beyond a certain radius then they would surrender their parental rights. That wasn't in mine (I'm in TX) so I think it varies.

EDIT- Just read R2C's post, are you thinking about trying to get her to move there too? That makes more sense then what I was thinking above. Not sure you would have much luck with it, but if the opportunity is that good then I don't think it would hurt to ask. I would make it clear to her that you haven't accepted the position and are just running it past her for her thoughts.

[Twofeet]

My children are my anchor, and I could never imagine leaving them. Has anyone successfully negotiated a move with the Ex? Everything is so darn fresh I don't even know if I should even approach her on the topic.

What do you mean, what is it you want to negotiate? Visitation? I mean she can't keep you from moving, but if you do you will likely give up your parental rights. I would think about all you could negotiate is seeing them once a month or so. I have two friends (in different states) who were both required to have a clause in their D decrees that if either party moved beyond a certain radius then they would surrender their parental rights. That wasn't in mine (I'm in TX) so I think it varies.

I mean negotiating with her to follow me. Due to the nature of my work my job is common to certain regions of the U.S. (and the world). Her job on the other hand is found everywhere. So even in our MR I couldn't always follow her, but she could always follow me.

Edit: If she won't follow me I won't go. I would never give up custody/parental rights.

[Did]

Focusing on being your best self. Be true to yourself and life will send you what’s meant to be for you. Success a partner etc. Do you love your job? Do you meditate / visualize the things you want in life? Do you focus on problems and negatives or positives and small consistent actions to reach your long term goals. Every relationship is 50% you and 50 your partner don’t take all the blame. Turn your regrets into lessons. Fail forwards. My separation has been almost 20 months and at times had a serious negative affect on my health. Maybe it’s better to be short. Every morning use an I am statement to say something good about yourself and your future. Repeat it 3 times. Visualize 3 things you’re grateful for in the past and 3 things you’re hopeful for in the future. Thanks for coming in on my sitch. I’ve learned a lot and still struggle with DB and how to interact with the mother of my child and woman I thought I’d spend my life with. All the best. I hate divorce but it can open doors instead of close them. Good luck, cheers!

[Twofeet]

Hey Did thanks for the words of encouragement. Since I am on here I will comment and share some of my current thoughts. I do love my job, it's a lifestyle as much as it is a career. It gives me purpose outside of my family. I am a glass is half full guy, it helps me bounce back and move forward with that type of PMA. While every R is 50/50 sometimes the outcome just isn't 50/50. I understand my failures, but I don't think I was 50% culpable for the end result. She had been chasing external happiness and running from her internal demons for some time now. Unfortunately, myself and our MR became the next target of her pursuit. If I realized my failures could I help her overcome her issues? Maybe, but also maybe the end result would have been delayed. She appears outwardly happy now, but that is just until her shiny new thing wears off. We had interactions I posted here that shows the cracks in her armor. I am indeed concerned for her, but my job as the H is over. It's time for me and the kids only. I do hope for a recon down the road, but that would require a lot of growing up to do on her part. I am just not sure that is going to happen.

Just a quick update. I signed on Tues. it was rubber stamped and became official on Thursday. The mediator said it was the fastest turnaround they have ever seen. I was bummed so I went night skiing that night to get my mind off it. I have the kids this weekend and we have plans so that is good. Still working on detachment as I battle the thoughts of what she is doing as a new divorcee this weekend. Probably out celebrating. Fortunately, I can squash the runaway thoughts better. The emotional raucous these thoughts cause are a lot quieter and while they bum me out the dont set me off in a tailspin.

[Did]

Hey TwoFeet just wanted to thank you for chiming in on my sitch. You seem very level headed. I dont know what advice to give. You saw on my post that we facetimed and saw her at a guys place looking good and I felt hurt and jealous. This is almost 20 months in so more power to you for accepting things faster. If she is out partying as a divorcee its shallow and empty. Not true happiness, love or meaningful physical interactions. I know the same thing in my sitch but emotionally it still affects me.

My W is the same way with appearing outwardly happy. But she has told me she feels like she has no reason to get up, nothing to offer the world but pain. And has jumped from guy to guy since weve been separated never being alone more than the first couple months and always texting with men. I allowed myself to be manipulated and enabled her.

Time to work towards our goals. Live our best lives. Do you have changes you want to continue to make? Are you living with passion and purpose?

Anyway, cheers hope you have a great night.

[LH19]

What's new TF?

[Twofeet]

Hey LH,

I bought an app to do guided meditation a few times a week.

I am still picking up heavy things 3 days a week, and while my gains are still going up my weight has plateaued at 173lbs so I need to slightly increase my calories. Target is a lean 185lbs. Right after BD in Sept the divorce diet caused me to drop to 157lbs Last time I was that light was early college way before MR.

Still night skiing 1 to 2 times a week.

Wanted to do yoga and XW left me a yoga mat when she moved out in the beginning of Nov. Shuffled my feet on it till 2 weeks ago when D8 told me that mommy keeps a yoga mat in her car, does yoga, and said that our daughters can occasionally go do it with her. Well I thought if XW is doing yoga why aren't I. So I went and signed up for Hot Yoga and I do that 2 times a week. While my motivation to do it was not the best it has been one of the best decisions I have made. It is a bit hard, very hot and uncomfortable, but I feel great afterwards. The boost in mental, emotional, and physical wellness from hot yoga is amazing. PMA for sure. Oh and the majority of women participating in these classes are great eye candy. There is also a lot of socializing pre and post class, so lots of opportunities to talk to women. Also the dudes who do hot yoga are all pretty cool.

Still need to work on my social GAL. This is kind of the next step in growth for me.

Built a website, blog, and Instagram account (I still dislike SM) for my side gig. I already had 2 clients, but I want to try to grow it to 5 this year if possible. I met with a prospective client last weekend, but he is probably a year out from needing to hire me.

A married woman from my industry who I associate with through industry functions (I mentioned her here before) has decided she wants to be my match maker. She told me she has a friend and thinks we would make a great couple. Caveat was this lady was still M and going through a D. I want no part of that because I find it morally wrong, as well as wrong for more reasons than I need to list. When matchmaker friend told me the dirty details of this woman's D I instinctively rolled my eyes. She was kind of dumbstruck so I said I am not ready to date as I have some personal growth and healing to do from my D. She said to let her know when I am ready because she said she knows plenty of women who would like to date a guy like me. It was very flattering and good to know I have a "in."

On my days with the kids I try to find games and activities to do with them or at least focus on doing things together or in the same room. I keep a strong focus on school work for D8 and make sure she keeps up on her reading. I also read to D5 and S3 or have D8 read to them. Once spring is here GAL with kids will open up more. I also have been working on giving the kids small and easy chores/duties (clear your plates after dinner, help me fold towels, clean your rooms, etc) and I work on there manners and picking up after themselves. At my house I am trying to teach them independence at a young age. Not sure how this will work in the long run as XW does everything for them at her place.

Still going to church every Sunday, usually meeting XMIL there. This past Sunday she expressed concern for the kids and XW ability to parent properly. She wanted to make sure XW and I were communicating and I told her we do but it can be difficult (usually it is one way communication about kids, me to XW but didn't tell XMIL this). XMIL is concerned XW is spoiling kids in an attempt to basically not deal with them. XW is doing this, but it's not a discussion I am going to have with XMIL.

S3 keeps wanting to know when mommy is going to live with me again. D5 has been hitting a lot lately and she also occasionally comes running into my bedroom at night crying about XW and I and our divorce. D8 seems to be doing ok, but she has her moments. I still have frequent dreams of XW. I miss her and I miss her love, comfort, and companionship. It's sad, but nothing I can do except move forward.

Dealing with XW can be a PITA. I just got the kids yesterday from XW. We bath the kids M, W, F, then Sat or Sun. Well the kids hadn't been bathed since I did it on W. S3 was in the same clothes I put him in on Friday, our handoff day, thank heaven the girls can change themselves. His pull up was soaked in pee cause XW said she forgot to change him. She isn't attempting to potty train him, and I am the only one doing it and S3 has gone backwards since D. XW had complained about school costs (despite making a lot more than me) and still owes a partial payment of her portion of Dec expenses. She could have payed it if she didn't just drop $400 to $500 in tablets and cases for all 3 kids. Well in MR D8 had a tablet that all 3 shared, it's still ar my house. It has a child monitoring app that has limited times they can use it and restricts what they can view. I told XW it's a paid for app and she can put it her tablets. She didn't want it as so when the kids are at her house all they do is sit in front of there tablets all day. Likely so she doesn't have to deal with them. So frustrating. At least she is feeding them full meals now.

Not going into too much detail on here about the difficulty of trying to get taxes, insurance for kids, or other financial pieces with XW buttoned up. She asks for reminders, I give them and she does nothing. I told her yesterday at the handoff that the longer she waits the more money it costs. She is trying hard to portray a awesome happy life and when I am not as detached it makes me feel like garbage. However, with the finances convo we had yesterday I see chunks in her armor.

[LH19]

I bought an app to do guided meditation a few times a week.

I meditate everyday for at least 5 minutes. It really helps with anxiety. Mine is pretty much gone. Once you go through a divorce nothing scares you anymore.

I am still picking up heavy things 3 days a week, and while my gains are still going up my weight has plateaued at 173lbs so I need to slightly increase my calories. Target is a lean 185lbs. Right after BD in Sept the divorce diet caused me to drop to 157lbs Last time I was that light was early college way before MR.

How tall are you?

Wanted to do yoga and XW left me a yoga mat when she moved out in the beginning of Nov. Shuffled my feet on it till 2 weeks ago when D8 told me that mommy keeps a yoga mat in her car, does yoga, and said that our daughters can occasionally go do it with her. Well I thought if XW is doing yoga why aren't I. So I went and signed up for Hot Yoga and I do that 2 times a week. While my motivation to do it was not the best it has been one of the best decisions I have made. It is a bit hard, very hot and uncomfortable, but I feel great afterwards. The boost in mental, emotional, and physical wellness from hot yoga is amazing. PMA for sure. Oh and the majority of women participating in these classes are great eye candy. There is also a lot of socializing pre and post class, so lots of opportunities to talk to women. Also the dudes who do hot yoga are all pretty cool.

I dabble in Yoga but to be honest with you it is harder for me then CrossFit. I am not flexible at all. Agree completely with the scenery lol.

Built a website, blog, and Instagram account (I still dislike SM) for my side gig. I already had 2 clients, but I want to try to grow it to 5 this year if possible. I met with a prospective client last weekend, but he is probably a year out from needing to hire me.

Awesome!

A married woman from my industry who I associate with through industry functions (I mentioned her here before) has decided she wants to be my match maker.

Yep. They will be coming out of the wood work.

On my days with the kids I try to find games and activities to do with them or at least focus on doing things together or in the same room. I keep a strong focus on school work for D8 and make sure she keeps up on her reading. I also read to D5 and S3 or have D8 read to them. Once spring is here GAL with kids will open up more. I also have been working on giving the kids small and easy chores/duties (clear your plates after dinner, help me fold towels, clean your rooms, etc) and I work on there manners and picking up after themselves. At my house I am trying to teach them independence at a young age. Not sure how this will work in the long run as XW does everything for them at her place.

You're a great Dad and the kids will thank you for it later!

keeps wanting to know when mommy is going to live with me again. D5 has been hitting a lot lately and she also occasionally comes running into my bedroom at night crying about XW and I and our divorce. D8 seems to be doing ok, but she has her moments. I still have frequent dreams of XW. I miss her and I miss her love, comfort, and companionship. It's sad, but nothing I can do except move forward.

Yep that can be tough but it will get easier as time goes by.

Dealing with XW can be a PITA. I just got the kids yesterday from XW. We bath the kids M, W, F, then Sat or Sun. Well the kids hadn't been bathed since I did it on W. S3 was in the same clothes I put him in on Friday, our handoff day, thank heaven the girls can change themselves. His pull up was soaked in pee cause XW said she forgot to change him. She isn't attempting to potty train him, and I am the only one doing it and S3 has gone backwards since D.

That is unacceptable and you will have to address it with her.

You are doing great! One day at a time.

[Twofeet]

[quote=Twofeet] I am still picking up heavy things 3 days a week, and while my gains are still going up my weight has plateaued at 173lbs so I need to slightly increase my calories. Target is a lean 185lbs. Right after BD in Sept the divorce diet caused me to drop to 157lbs Last time I was that light was early college way before MR.

How tall are you?

5' 10"
I made a run for 200 lbs about 2.5 years ago. I got up 195 -196lbs, but then got a work related injury followed by an illness and preceded to lose all that hard earned muscle. My frame can easily carry 185 lbs and it's not a lot of maintenance to keep that muscle and stay lean. My issue now is I am trying to lean gain and that is a slow process.

[LH19]

I'm 6 ft at fluctuate between 185-190 depending if I am marathon training.

LOL. I remember my BD diet I went down to 170. Pants were really baggy lol.

[Twofeet]

Not sure if I should post here or start a new thread in Surviving the Big D forum. One of the yoga instructors at the place I go to seems to be showing a high level of interest in me. Basically, she flirts with me before and after class. Should I see if she wants to grab a coffee? She is attractive, but older than me and I am not interested in dating or any R at this time. H3ll, Monday I couldn't stop crying in the shower....that hasn't happened in a while. Still going through my own grieving process although there are less lows now. I don't have a problem meeting and befriending women through my work/industry, but that is all very cohesive. Yoga lady pushes me out of my comfort zone. I wouldn't mind a friendship and down the road who knows, but I am not sure what to do. Any advice? Again if this is not appropriate place to post please let me know.

[SoTorn]

Uh hell yes. Jump on that asap. Lol.

[LH19]

TF,

You can post on here is long as you like or you can move it over to the surviving D forum.

I still have a hard time believing how fast your sitch went from start to finish. (BTW I think that's a good thing)

There is nothing wrong with getting out of your comfort zone. You definitely are not ready to date.

I had my last breakdown two years ago while my ex was away with the kids. The house felt so empty. Now, I love having the house to myself some days lol. Funny how things change.

You are doing great! Keep moving forward.

[Twofeet]

LH,

2 ways to look at it. BD to the judges rubber stamp was 4 months.
BD to ExW moving out and everything being split up... Probably the real start of D in ExW eyes.... was 2 months. If you knew my ExW irl and how impulsive she can be after the initial shock it's not that big of a suprise.

When I am ready to date I will be hitting up my industry friend. I was out for drinks at a function this weekend and she happened to be there. From what it sounds like she has quite a few high quality women lined up who would want to date me once I am ready. Kind of makes my head spin. Its exciting to think about, but I also understand I am not ready.

[LH19]

Yeah I think you got the record buddy.

It's still the best way. So much damage is usually done in the limbo periods because the LBS become so panic and pursue which comes off as weak and more damage is done.

My guess is by next Christmas your ex is going to say what the fuch did I do. Will it be too late?

[LH19]

What's new TF?

[AnotherStander]

BD to the judges rubber stamp was 4 months.
BD to ExW moving out and everything being split up... Probably the real start of D in ExW eyes.... was 2 months.

WOW!!!!! That's crazy, even by WAS standards!

How's it going?

[DejaVu6]

Twofeet... IMO...you are definitely not ready to date. I think it is important to go through the grieving process fully before going down that road. It is tempting, for sure, because attention from someone else does help ease the pain of rejection by our WAS’s but I don’t think it is fair to the other person who is looking for a relationship. I think you will instinctively know when you are ready but until then, focusing on you and GAL should be a priority. (((HUGS)))

[Twofeet]

It's funny you all posted on my thread today. I have it off and XW doesn't so she dropped the kids off this morning. When she left D8 needed to call up XW quickly. XW needed to speak with me after. At the end of the conversation I swear I heard XW say ILY to me. Maybe it was a freudian slip, I don't know maybe it was old habits. Anyway she called again after lunch and asked if she could come over and give the kids some gifts she bought. Lol, she also was complaining to me about money (if she would only cutback her spending )and said she wasn't going to get any raises for at least a year and wanted to know if I would tell her my compensation if it grows. I told her my goal is to be a true financial 50/50 with her and I don't like taking her CS money.
Anyway she stayed for about 15 minutes before heading back to work.

Speaking of her a little more, she has been occasionally sucking at being a parent. D8 had a fever last week and XW called at 23:30 at night and tried to get me to take her. I told her no, I could do a half day but not a full as I was already taking a day off to be with the kids that week and save money on childcare as it was a teacher in service that day. I had 6 days of work I had to compress into 4 including an interview for the news that day. She started throwing a tiff so I just called her out on her behavior. I just don't validate bad behavior from her anymore. I used to validate to de-escalate, but now I have too much respect for myself to put up with that. Anyway the next day she left D8 home alone with a fever for the morning while she dropped off D5 and S3 at school and ran errands. I found out from D8 about this and had to get after XW as this was not acceptable.

So anyway XW runs hot and cold. Likes to call the 5 of us a family or her family, wants to keep it in the family, don't share info outside of our 5 member family.... She is very nice or can blow up over one wrong word. Yeah she is still a bit nutty, and due to the age of the kids we have to interact a h3ll of a lot more than I ever thought we would. She never talks about our R thank the lord. Just kids and finances.

I pretty much have taken over as the primary parent. I deal with the school, scheduling, appointments, extracurriculars, etc. Xw does play dates and bday parties and that's about it, but that works for me. Kids need structure, discipline, and at least one stable parent. I continue to be that rock.

A week or two ago I caught the kids playing divorce. A very caustic divorce were D8 was the judge and S3 was the abusive H and the kids were going to be taken away and S3 had to move out of state. There was some other stuff because then D8 said child services were going to take the kids from D5. It was getting grim both from D8 and D5. I panicked and reached out to XW to which she laughed at me. XW was useless, so I stopped the kids explained the wrongs of the sitch and scheduled some counseling for them. Outside of that they have been doing well other than S3 never wants to go to XW house or be with her which makes things difficult for XW.

This new normal feels weird and I often feel like I am the twilight zone.

I am putting on weight. Up to 177 lbs, but still leaning out while making weightlifting gains. I need go down another waste size again, but the next size down feels too tight in the quads and thighs. This has happened in the past when I hit the weights seriously. I tend to put a lot of muscle on in my legs. I have my deadlift in the 300s. It will be a bit, but I will get it in the 400s again. Been doing hot yoga for a month or month and a half, and I love it. It improves my flexibility, my weightlifting, my PMA. I recommend it for anyone BD thru post-D. So I lift 3 days a week, do hot yoga 2 to 3 days a week depending on kid schedule, and night ski once a week. Season has ended up having some great snow this year.

Work is picking up and going well. Lots of work this season, but all very exciting. Due to the nature of my job and my participation in my local industry I am able to tie a lot of GAL in through work related connections and functions. Next couple of weeks are pretty packed with things I am attending. I have loose trip planned for late April to visit a buddy in L.A. I want to plan a little 3 or 4 day vacation for me and the kids this summer, but I haven't decided what to do yet. I have some solo hiking trips planned for this summer, I would like to add a lady companion to these hikes if the time is right.

Yes, I am probably not there yet to start dating women, but the temptation is very real. I sometimes wonder if I give off a vibe that women pick up on because I am seeing the interest. I think when married I had a H mindset and just shut my brain off to women as women. I am at the point where I am ready to move on, but haven't moved on. I still have moments of grief, but they are few and far between. If XW tried to comeback tomorrow the answer would be no. It hurts to think that, but I could never consider another attempt unless she matured and worked on herself. At that point it would only be a maybe.

This whole process has helped me connect to my emotions and express them much better. I think I have made self improvements by the leaps and bounds. I have an IC appointment this week to do a check in. I know IC says where I am now compared to the first week of BD is light years ahead.

[Adam04]

Hey TF,

Good to hear you are doing well and being the rock for the kids. Sounds like a great update overall. Definitely looks like you got a full plate of things to do.

Sorry to hear about the kids playing D. They're going to mimic and pick up on what they see and hear. Some of it will mean nothing and others you will have to make sure they understand what is/isn't appropriate. You did right with explaining the wrongs of the sitch and I think it was okay to reach out to xW. Sorry to hear that she laughed about it.

Your GAL sounds awesome. I have a brother who goes skiing with a close friend of mine every year. They take a group trip and I've never gone before. Came close to taking the kids before my youngest one screamed his head off from being scare of the plane ride. Was the last time we flew for any trips. How is night skiing? Never really heard of that.

Man 177 pounds and building muscle? I was 5 ' 10, 175 lean muscle wearing size 32 back in my hay day. Vibes, pheromones, confidence, whatever you want to call it, they can tell.

[Twofeet]

Just to clarify. I explained the wrongs of the kids divorce play. XW and I did not have an abusive or caustic MR or D. I am not sure where it came from. Maybe school friends of D8 and D5, maybe tv shows? Who knows, but I am glad I stopped it and hopefully they learned why it was wrong.

[AnotherStander]

TF, sounds like you are taking care of business! That's crazy that the kids were doing a mock divorce, wow! Regarding the "family" comment, my ex does the exact same thing and still does it to this day. Not often, but when she does it's just... so.... weird to hear it come out of her mouth.

[Twofeet]

I just have to get on here and vent because I am so angry right now I don't want to do something stupid. XW texted me about scheduling and then called me. She has an "appointment" most of the day Saturday into the evening, and this is her weekend with the kids. I said I am super busy Saturday, but I would be available Sunday. I also asked if this was overnight because I am available Saturday evening. She scoffs and says this isn't a date. I say what's going on cause the doc isnt open on Sat. She says she is too embarrassed to tell me. I say you dont have to tell me what it is. How about you just reschedule for next weekend when I have the kids? I say I am just booked up all day Saturday. She gets pissed and proceeds to talk about our MR and how if I want to be successful in a future R I need to be less selfish and I always put myself first in our MR and above our kids blah, blah, blah it's all your fault. I said if stuff comes up in the future to let me know however I am booked She threw in some foul language and more blaming. I just sighed heavily into the phone and said I hear what your saying, I need to go, goodbye.

I got off the phone shaking in anger. I want to call her selfish @ss up and give her a piece of my mind. I mean the school has been contacting me because we are late in tuition because she isnt paying her portion. I forwarded her the email a week ago only to have her get pissed at me and try to blame me. Last week she forgot the kids lunch for after school care on a 1/2 day. I let her know the school called. She wanted me to go get a lunch but I was wrapped up in work and over an hour away. It would have taken her 15 min to leave work, run to the grocery store, and drop it off at the kids school. She then blamed me for not taking off early to get the kids. (Official handoff time is 3pm). She forgot their lunch, but she says I am selfish and I put work above my family even though I am physically an hour away from even being able to head to the kids school which is another 30 min away.
I am the selfish one even though I am the one going to school events, taking D8 to tryouts, prioritizing my budgets around their education, taking them to counseling, and so much more.

I am just so tired of her effing sh!t. One minute she is nice and the next she is nasty. Is she delusional? Is she a narcissist?

I have been nonconfrontational with her, avoiding and ignoring arguments and her piss poor attitude. I need to be a coparent, treat her like a business partner and take the high road. When is enough going to be enough? I just want to tell her to go take a flying leap.

[bubbs16]

I just have to get on here and vent because I am so angry right now I don't want to do something stupid. XW texted me about scheduling and then called me. She has an "appointment" most of the day Saturday into the evening, and this is her weekend with the kids. I said I am super busy Saturday, but I would be available Sunday. I also asked if this was overnight because I am available Saturday evening. She scoffs and says this isn't a date. I say what's going on cause the doc isnt open on Sat. She says she is too embarrassed to tell me. I say you dont have to tell me what it is. How about you just reschedule for next weekend when I have the kids? I say I am just booked up all day Saturday. She gets pissed and proceeds to talk about our MR and how if I want to be successful in a future R I need to be less selfish and I always put myself first in our MR and above our kids blah, blah, blah it's all your fault. I said if stuff comes up in the future to let me know however I am booked She threw in some foul language and more blaming. I just sighed heavily into the phone and said I hear what your saying, I need to go, goodbye.

I got off the phone shaking in anger. I want to call her selfish @ss up and give her a piece of my mind. I mean the school has been contacting me because we are late in tuition because she isnt paying her portion. I forwarded her the email a week ago only to have her get pissed at me and try to blame me. Last week she forgot the kids lunch for after school care on a 1/2 day. I let her know the school called. She wanted me to go get a lunch but I was wrapped up in work and over an hour away. It would have taken her 15 min to leave work, run to the grocery store, and drop it off at the kids school. She then blamed me for not taking off early to get the kids. (Official handoff time is 3pm). She forgot their lunch, but she says I am selfish and I put work above my family even though I am physically an hour away from even being able to head to the kids school which is another 30 min away.
I am the selfish one even though I am the one going to school events, taking D8 to tryouts, prioritizing my budgets around their education, taking them to counseling, and so much more.

I am just so tired of her effing sh!t. One minute she is nice and the next she is nasty. Is she delusional? Is she a narcissist?

I have been nonconfrontational with her, avoiding and ignoring arguments and her piss poor attitude. I need to be a coparent, treat her like a business partner and take the high road. When is enough going to be enough? I just want to tell her to go take a flying leap.

man i feel for you that sounds exhausting .... they really do all act flippin nuts dont they ?

[Twofeet]

Yes and I thought it would get better, but it feels like its getting slowly worse. Like there is a slow impending fallout on the horizon. I feel like she is going to hit rock bottom and pull me down with her. It's like I can see it coming, but I just haven't figured out what to do.

I'm so worked up I can't sleep so I'm going to go lift right now to burn up some energy and anger.

[LH19]

TF,

I think you handled it fine other than I wouldn't have brought up at all what she doing. Your still attached but that is normal due to the speed of your BD to D. In time when she has those melt downs you will shrug your shoulders and get a laugh out of it.

I was also deemed as selfish in my marriage but a lot of it was because I always took the lead on things we were going to do and never was given any push back from her. Then when things got bad it was always "we always did what you wanted to do".

[Wanted1]

TF,

I think you handled it fine other than I wouldn't have brought up at all what she doing. Your still attached but that is normal due to the speed of your BD to D. In time when she has those melt downs you will shrug your shoulders and get a laugh out of it.

I was also deemed as selfish in my marriage but a lot of it was because I always took the lead on things we were going to do and never was given any push back from her. Then when things got bad it was always "we always did what you wanted to do".

Not to hijack, TF, but this sounds exactly like my XW, LH. I was controlling and selfish because everything we did was what I wanted to do. Looking back, there might be some truth to that, however, the thing that is overlooked is the fact that I always went to her to discuss/approve whatever it was I was suggesting we do or buy. Never once did she tell me 'No' or that she didn't agree. How is that on me? If I don't know that she felt differently about something because she didn't speak her mind, I always assumed she was in agreement with whatever it was.

It's just sort of sad/mind boggling that that is essentially the only thing she can 'cling' to as a reason things we awry.... She even admitted in C that she has always felt the need to do/please the male in her life due to her past abuses. Basically, that even if she didn't agree, she would keep quiet about her opinions and agree with whatever it was because that is what I wanted and she wanted to make me happy. Again, that is somehow my fault....

Sooooo frustrating. But, on the bright side, I don't have to deal with that anymore!

[Twofeet]

TF,

I think you handled it fine other than I wouldn't have brought up at all what she doing. Your still attached but that is normal due to the speed of your BD to D. In time when she has those melt downs you will shrug your shoulders and get a laugh out of it.

I was also deemed as selfish in my marriage but a lot of it was because I always took the lead on things we were going to do and never was given any push back from her. Then when things got bad it was always "we always did what you wanted to do".

LH,

Part of me just wanted to know in case it was a serious need/favor worth breaking plans for. However, you are correct part of it is that there is still some attachment to her. I was introduced to a nice looking woman yesterday, I guess as a vetting out plan by a gal I know. She told me I should consider dating this woman. I had that bug stuck in my head all day yesterday until my XW threw her fit on the phone. I then realized while I am not attached at the hip to XW anymore, I still am attached to her. That whole tirade was a bit of a reality check and further pushing me to that tipping point. I am not ready to see other women. I am getting closer, but still not over XW yet. I look forward to the day when XW has a meltdown and I just say look when I have the kids I do my job, so when you have them just do you job.

XW says I was selfish in the MR, but its total BS. This is just something she used to get her way with me. She even tried leveraging this against me through her folks. Eventually, that stopped working on them as they could see the truth, and her mom called her out a few times on it. XW wanted me to take the lead so she wouldn't have to deal with it, unless it went against what she wanted. Then it became how she does everything and I am just selfish. The more time goes on and the more I look back on our MR I wonder what the heck happened to her.

[Ready2Change]

shaking in anger.... I just want to tell her to go take a flying leap.

"I understand you feel that way"
"I am sorry you feel that way"
"It must be hard to feel that way"
"I can't change the past"

I have been there. I channel that anger into positive actions.

Email is my communication channel with My X. That was my boundary.

One example:

Hi Xwife,

You brought up some good parenting points during our discussion of the exchange times.

You state that you tried to have a decent conversation with me. If a decent parenting conversation is your true intention, I am all willing to participate. Anytime you want a face to face conversation with me, set up a time with our family therapist and I will gladly meet to discuss parenting issues with you. I look forward to the day you step up and start co-parenting. Until then, please comply with the divorce agreement and keep our parenting conversations in Email.

I did speak with the kids and you are very mistaken about their desire to spend alone time with each of us during the other parents parenting time. They all have a deep desire for this. Ask them and listen to them if you need clarification. If you want a professionals opinion about the importance of this, speak with the kids therapist.

Your continually vague accusations of lying intrigue me. Want to share specifics? I am all ears.

I hope you enjoy the kids during the spring break vacation.

Best regards,

R2C

[Again18]

It's classic projection she's projecting herself onto you. She's being selfish but she blames you in order to take the heat off of her. You did the right thing. Let her vent, no amount of you telling her she's selfish will convince her otherwise. Leave her be and continue to work on yourself. When she gets all upset just tell her you're not going to let her bring you down and politely get off the phone. You don't have to to be her door mat. Always project happiness when around her. As she goes down this trail of unhappiness she will need a lighthouse full of happiness to return to. You have expressed that you may not want a relationship with your ex-wife in the future at least not a romantic one. Pray to God that he works on your relationship as friends for the kids sake. You ultimately want her to be happy for her and the kids sake, maybe not yours. You two are still at the beginning of all of this, so pray that God works on you, works on her for joy and wisdom and friendship. Have you ever read the book The Love Dare? Just curious it might help if you in fact do want to try and reconcile and rekindle some love in your relationship.

[Twofeet]

Hello Again18,

Good to hear from you. I have come to understand that this for the most part is projection. I also understand that I am not her husband anymore. I cannot be there to catch her if she falls. I cannot fix her problems anymore. I cannot help her anymore. As far as a relationship goes, I have told myself and I still believe that if she wants to reconcile with me down the road I will always be open to it. We have a strong shared history, 3 children, and I will always hold a place in my heart for her. However, I cannot reconcile with her in her present capacity. She needs to grow and improve herself. Unfortunately, it appears she is not doing this at all, and she may in fact be falling deeper into whatever hole she has dug. On the flip side I too need to continue on my own journey. I am working on my personal growth and development as well as who I am as a father. Whether it is my XW or a future woman they deserve a better version of myself. Just so you know I pray for myself, my kids, my XW, and everyone on here as well as anyone going through this experience. I am open to God and what he will open on my path.

Thank you again for taking the time to post on my thread.

Edit: Thank you for the book suggestion. I will be sure to get it and read it.

[Again18]

You've now been D for a few months now last month you said your XW hasn't grown or improved herself. Has she been doing any temp checks? How are the kids doing? Have they settled into the routine or are they still pretty scattered from the divorce? Finally, TF I see you are pretty helpful around the forums but how are you doing at this point?

[Twofeet]

Hello Again18 and thank you for checking in on me.

My XW has been temp checking me. I have always had strong boundaries in my life with everyone, but my XW. It is something that I am and will be continually working at. IC and books have been helping me with this issue. Granted XW doesn't flagrantly violate my boundaries, rather she just prods or slightly penetrates them through old habits or because she wants to and is temp checking. She often mentions how I am guarded with her, and I just validate her feeling and move on. Of course I am guarded, she is not my W anymore.

I can tell when she is at home and either bored or lonely. She sends me text messages about the kids or pictures of the kids. She knows I will not respond to anything, but the kids, scheduling, or finances. Scheduling or finances, or illness are the only things I initiate conversations with her about and that is via text or email. The only time I call her is usually because the kids want or have a need to talk to her on the phone. While she uses the kids as a topic to engage in convos with me, I keep it brief and non-personal. There are times when I can tell she is out and about because if the kids need something from her they will call on either my phone or D8's watch phone and XW will not respond or will call or text me at late hours such as midnight, to which I don't respond.

I think she was a wreck with her finances, but it sounds like her parents bailed her out again. She had been 3.5 month late paying her portion of school tuition and they finally slapped us with late fees. I told her she needs to get things figured out and take care of the late fee. She also owed me for her portion of the kids insurance, dance school, etc. etc. I thought about burning a bridge and going to her parents, but I decided against it. They are not my parents anymore and we have a really good relationship. You don't go to your friends and tell them how to raise or take care of their kids, unless they ask for your advice. I just let that one work itself out and it sounds like she went to them. They gave her one of their cars, I think they bought her car from her and they gave her money. I know this because X-MIL watches the kids for me on the days I have them and they don't have school, ie spring break. She alluded something like this to me.

Last week XW had a health scare. She had been sick, then she had a migraine for 2 days. She called me while I was having dinner with my sister. I don't normally answer the phone unless she requests time to talk via text, but my gut was saying answer it. She wanted to know if I was home and could possibly take the kids if she wasn't feeling better. She had a migraine and her right arm was numb and tingling. I let her know I was close by (sis lives less than 5 min from XW) and I could pick them up after dinner if she wasn't improving. Well an hour later she calls me in a panic because her entire right side of her body, head, arm and leg had gone numb and she was feeling tingling in her hand and foot. Her Dad was on his was to take her to the ED and I needed to pick up the kids. When I got there her dad was +20 min away and she looked bad. Clammy, pale, sunken eyes, she was having difficulty moving around. I wasn't sure if this was her migraine or if this was a potential stroke or heart attack. Her parents were calling me about the time I arrived at her house and I told them what I was seeing. I told her dad just to meet me at the hospital. XW protested, but I told her she didn't have a choice and I loaded her in my truck with the kids and we took her to the ED. I dropped her off and her Dad would be with her once he arrived. She later text me that night that she was going to be ok and was referred to a neurologist for her migraine issues. I didn't poke or prod her for more info, which is an old habit of mine wrt to XW. I just let her know I appreciated her getting back to me and that while I felt sorry about her migraine I was glad to hear she was going to be okay.

A couple things things stuck out to me about this whole event On the drive to the hospital she broke down in tears and was sobbing. She also made a lewd comment about a bad driver in front of us. She said why is he driving so sh!tty is he getting a blowjob or something? I snapped at her for that because she said it out loud in front of our kids. SMH, this kind of vulgarity started up after BD. The next day after school the kids were concerned about XW so that evening they called her and she wasn't answering. Kids being kids they kept calling her from D8 watch phone and she finally answered. I was very loud and hard for them to hear XW. She said she was at a coffee shop, but between the loudness and her talking like she was intoxicated I think she was at the bar. It started to alarm the kids and I think she noticed so she said she had to go.

She was at a plateau, but has been losing weight again. I think she looks great, and I wish this was something she would have done during our MR. However, knowing her, she isn't working out and its not a lifestyle thing with a proper healthy diet. She just loses weight by not eating. Anyway on our face to face exchanges I just try to be careful to mask my emotions so I don't give off that wolf whistle look. Part of it is her (and who I thought she was not who is currently is) and part is probably just my lack of physical intimacy with a woman since the end of August. A good sex life and intimacy to no sex life, going cold turkey, has left its own void.

That is a lot of talking about her. I know there is more, but that is just some of the key things. I have some work things that need to be addressed so I will post about how the kids and I are doing later.

[Twofeet]

I was very loud and hard for them to hear XW. She said she was at a coffee shop, but between the loudness and her talking like she was intoxicated I think she was at the bar. It started to alarm the kids and I think she noticed so she said she had to go.

Change I was very loud to It was very loud where XW was at and hard for the kids to hear XW.


Anyway the kids are adjusting and for the most part doing well. Their teachers have told me that they are doing well and that the D doesn't appear to be affecting their education or social interactions at school. I have them in counseling and I take them about 2 times a month. D8 seems to be handling things well although she is very busy with school and activities so if homework gets left at moms house XW usually throws it away. Also if D8 leaves things she needs for her activities, school, or for life in general XW will not bring it to D8 at school, my house, or a halfway point. This has been tough on D8, but D8 and I have been tying colored ribbon on her backpack as a reminder of certain things she needs to bring between houses and school.

D5 has been getting more affectionate with me and while she has always been mommy's girl she has been stating her disinterest to go to mom's house and wanting to stay with me an extra day. Could just be a phase since all kids go back and forth between which parent is their favorite. However, all 3 kids have been doing that, but this is probably just from me being more active with them and staying busy with them. I try to keep them busy so that tablet and TV time is minimal. I still have to keep D5 in a pullup at night as she still has trouble. Hopefully she will go back to not needing this. The one thing we have been working in IC with D5 is how she can be so physical when she doesn't get what she wants. Basically when she can't communicate her needs to her brother and sister she punches them.

S3 has been handling things the best he can from his 3 year old mind. He doesn't understand "why mommy wont come live with daddy, so we can be a whole family." I just tell him that I understand how he feels and he should ask his mommy why. I have been working really hard with him along with his daycare/preschool teacher at getting him re-potty trained. As of about 2.5 weeks ago something clicked and he is potty trained again (during the day).

A little boy is naturally drawn to other boys to play games that boys just seem to instinctively want to do. He gets bored and/or too aggressive with his sisters which in turn can cause D5 to get punchy, heck even D8 has had to smack him a few times. I try to spend time with him playing, wrestling, and doing things boys his age like to do. Last month I reconnected with a childhood friend and her H who have a boy S3 age and a boy who is D8 age. I look forward to getting him around more boys instead of hanging out with my daughters all the time.

The kids are working through it all and I hope that as I lead by example they will turn out alright. XW tends to spoil them or just throw electronics up in front of them so she doesn't have to deal with them. This is something I have to be aware of and manage, however this hasn't really changed since we were in a MR. I am leading the family even more now that we are D, and XW has taken a back seat and follows my lead.

[Again18]

Right now she's probably swimming around aimlessly, not sure of what she should do. Probably too prideful to admit that getting a divorce was the biggest mistake of her life, which is unfortunate. All you can do is put on a happy face around her, don't be cold to her that just makes you look unhappy. You need to be joyful, and if she comments that you seem happy, just tell her that you are starting to feel good again and your joyful for what you have had and what you have now with the kids. I'm not saying you should work on reconciliation that's obviously a personal thing, you may find that you don't even want that anymore. But you do want her to get her head out of her ass and start living a good proper life and person you can trust with your kids, and be a reasonable friend with to help your kids through tough times in the future. I'll pray for that TF.

[Twofeet]

Again18,

I would like to think you have a crystal ball and that what you are saying about her is true. However, I just don't know. It just seems like she has become very selfish, and somewhat unrecognizable. As I said there are other things she has done that I did not post about. They just make you go WTF who is this person? It reminds me of AS stories about how his XW was so unrecognizable, and however many years later her old self is finally showing back up. Anyway, as I have said before I will always be open to reconciliation with her, but I don't think its likely. She is not putting in the work, she has never put in the work, and I don't know if she ever will. She probably would have to hit rock bottom and I don't know if that will ever happen. If she does make the changes and she wants to recon then I would consider it at that time.

I also realize I mentioned XW and kids in the previous two posts, but I have not posted updates about myself.

I have been staying VERY busy.
Ski season is over, so I am doing hot yoga 3x a week and still lifting 3x a week. I need to add 3 more pounds to get up to my goal weight. Probably going to hit it in the next 1.5 to 2 months. After that I may consider going up to 195 lbs. I think I may start running for 30 min once a week for cardio as the weather has been really nice. I was plateauing there for a bit, but I slightly increased my food intake and have been working on my sleep.

Sleep habits are one of the things I have been falling behind on and need to keep working on. I was meditating daily using the headspace app, but that too is something that I have let fallen by the wayside. I need to be more disciplined about sleep and meditation. Other than those 2 items no real backsliding. I have been seeing IC still and it has been helping my emotional state, although I think I am seeing the sunset to IC. I am still grieving the loss of my MR. However, the time heals all wounds is proving to have truth to it. Emotionally I am getting better and better and healing from the bomb that my XW set off on BD. I am pretty detached, but never as detached as I think I am. This also reminds me of AS stories about him thinking how detached he was only to have something happen and realize he wasn't so detached. The health scare of my XW triggered that moment for me. After taking her to the hospital I have been really down, and just came out of it two days ago. Lots of dreams, memories, emotions, and tears in the shower or on the way to work. I haven't had that in a while, but the event was like ripping off a scab on a healing wound. Heck even LH says he is mostly detached, but still has his moments.

I am still going to church, kids are now looking forward to church when they are with me on those Sundays. They get to see X-MIL and sometimes X-SIL her husband and their kids. I am thankful that I have a decent relationship with the x-in laws. D8 has really been wanting to get involved, and I need to get her into catechism. At her age I think she should be receiving her first communion.

I have been reconnecting with old friends, some of them mine and some former friends of XW. I am building a solid group of guys that I hang out with and do guy stuff with. I still connect with some of my friends from the state we moved from. Going to go to a visit next month to see a few of my buddies. I am also hoping to go to Cali to visit a friend and his wife in late May or early June. A childhood friend of mine has brought me into her and her H group of friends as well. She has introduced me to a lot of her female friends, so it has been good to have a opportunity to work on the social dynamics with the opposite sex.

On the days when I don't have the kids and I actually don't have something going on I try to find something to do where I go out and socialize with strangers. They are usually places where socializing isn't a requirement, but if I want to talk to people I have to make an effort. It challenges me and makes me uncomfortable, which is why I do it. While I am introverted, I don't want to be stuck as an introvert shut in type of person.

Work is going really well this year. My side gig with consulting has only 3 clients. My goal is 5 for the year, and while I am not sure its going to happen I will stride for it. One client wanted me to take over her whole operation, but I am too new to my sitch to feel comfortable taking on that much of a role while figuring out my new work/life balance. I told her maybe next year. I am also going to spend this year researching all the info on another business I would like to get started in the next 1-3 years. This would be pretty risky so I really need to dot my i's and cross my t's.

I think for anyone who has read this far I just want to say D sux, and post-D sux in the beginning. Its going to take work, and it won't be easy, but if you put in the work it gets better. Like anything the more effort you put in it the better the results and the sooner those results occur. I am also not dating any women right now even though there has been interest from the fairer sex. After BD and self reflection there were issues I needed to correct. I don't think they were so terrible to cause the fallout of my MR. I still think that BD and D has more to do with XW than myself even though I do recognize what I could have done better. What I am saying is that I want the issues I am correcting and changes about myself that I am making to permanently stick. I am building a better me. To do that I think I need to focus on myself and my kids and not date. I saw a guy on youtube say chase excellence not women. I think that is a good idea for many guys on here.

[neffer]

There is no rush TF. Take all the time you want. You can´t be waiting for XW to do her inner journey.

Stay strong there, enjoy the kids and keep moving forward, keep DB.

Time to move on man.

(((TF)))

[LH19]

TF,

You are a DB champ you are doing everything the way it should be done. Keep pushing yourself to get out of your comfort zone it will pay off big time.

Like my best friend told me if you didn’t have bad days then the last 24 years were a waste of time.

Onward and upwards! The ladies will be waiting for you on the other side.

[Bo562]

chase excellence not women

Love this!

[Ready2Change]

Hi TF,

Thanks for the update. Yes D [censored] at first. Keep doing the personal growth stuff. During my "Me Time", I would do dinners alone and interact with the staff. Keep doing the uncomfortable. Soon it is just the new you behavior. I am almost always the first to start conversations now.

[IHCLACS]

chase excellence not women

Love this!

Love this too. This is excellent advice, given the unsurmountable level of hypocrisy that my wife is. Almost makes me want to push through the divorce, and get on with my own life exploring the world.

[Again18]

TF you are a sturdy and safe lighthouse. To bad your XW can't see it from where she's at :-( You are also an inspiration to a lot of people here. Thank you for that.

[Twofeet]

Hey folks I need to vent a little today.

I am post-D and I unfortunately didn't bust my D, but I need some help, perspective, 2x4 etc. LH has often said to me it has to get worse before it get better. I feel like both are happening congruently. My personal, social, career life are on this big uptick. The sitch with my XW from the outside might look like its better or at least on the level, but I feel like its a continual degradation. She has turned into a real piece of work and I barely recognize her anymore.

A couple of weeks ago XW brought the kids to D8 game. It was cold and wet and S3 what running around with no shoes on, just socks. I asked XW where was his shoes. She said she is making him responsible for his own shoes and he forgot them. I said our 3 year old is running around soaking his socks on this cold day and you are telling me he forgot his shoes. She then got sheepish and said she messed up and forgot his shoes.

XW lets kids watch youtube unfettered. I don't like this as I found inappropriate videos the kids have stumble upon in the past. I sent XW news articles about some of the pedos rings and other problems and she agreed to remove youtube from her house or at least sit down and watch it with the kids. Did she do this? Nope. When the kids ask me to let them watch youtube I tell them no. Their response is well mommy lets us watch it as long as we promise to not watch bad shows. OK great, its now up to my 3, 5,& 8 year old to police their own content on the tablets she bought them.

XW is trying to use me as a bank. She wants to pay me her portion for schooling and then have me pay the school everything. I told her no. Despite the fact that she makes more than me, she is having a hard time paying the school on time because of her poor spending habits. I am not bankrolling that train wreck.

I found out by what the kids told my mom, that XW uses my house as a scapegoat for punishment. Ex if you kids don't behave I am going to take you to your dads house, drop you off at your dads house, have you live with your dad.

Two weeks ago XW broke some things in her new house and asked me to come fix them. I told her no, she can take care of it, but if she gets stuck she could call me and I could walk her through this. In hindsight I just should have said no and left it at that. Anyway, she texts me or speaks to me about needing her home fixes at D8 games. When are you going to fix it, when are you coming over to take care of my problems, etc. I finally had enough and said I am not going to fix your problems you need to get your dad to do it. Well guess who showed up to fix it. OM and his boy. So of course she introduces him to the kids as Mommy's friend. So I guess he did all of her honey dos and then they went and played "family" in the backyard afterwards. I guess OM has 3 kids, one in her 20s from one woman and two teens from another. I don't like the fact that she has brought this bozo around or that his kids are so much older than mine. I kind of understand the mindset of some of the people on here, but I don't trust this guy or his kids. I am not sure what was the best way to handle it. I told my kids they may be mommy's friends, but they are still strangers to you. Don't be alone with them, and if they make you feel awkward, touch you, or hurt you, then I need to know immediately. I have heard enough horror stories to not be foolish enough to turn a blind eye and think it couldn't happen to me and my kids.

What kind rubs me raw about this among other things was that XW set up all these rules upon D. For example no kid introductions for at least 6 month of dating, and the other parent meets them before kid introductions. I don't want to be the Divorce Police, but why did she want all these rules if she isn't going to follow them. It sure seems like I am the only one running things by her to follow our agreement while she does whatever the heck she wants.

As always there is much more to this pile of B.S., but these are the only things off the top of my head worth mentioning right now.

She generally is a lying @sshole towards me unless she wants something. My cup is starting to get too full and I am trying to not get to the tipping point. Last weekend at D8 game she pulled some BS on me and blamed me for something she messed up. I temporarily lost my cool and snapped at her pretty damn harshly in front of my mom. Trying to stay on the high road I did later apologize to her for snapping at her in front of my mom, but I feel like maybe I shouldn't have even done this. It wasn't like she apologized for disparaging me in front of my mom for something that wasn't even my problem. I feel like I have the mongol horde at the gates and I am going to have to fight them off for another 15 years. Good grief!

Any vets, any post-D people, heck anyone have some advice I sure would appreciate it!

[Ready2Change]

Hey folks I need to vent a little today.

Great place to do it.

I need some help, perspective, 2x4 etc.

I read the post. I will give my input.

It was cold and wet and S3 what running around with no shoes on, just socks. I asked XW where was his shoes. She said she is making him responsible for his own shoes and he forgot them. I said our 3 year old is running around soaking his socks on this cold day and you are telling me he forgot his shoes. She then got sheepish and said she messed up and forgot his shoes.

Google "parenting with love and logic"

natural consequences work well. As long as there is no "real" danger.

Determining when to criticize the others parenting is learned skill. Some things are worth calling out, others are not. Some need discussing.

XW lets kids watch youtube unfettered.

I had my network locked down with OPENDNS. XWife bought kids smartphones with full access to everything. Pretty much worst thing you can give kids. Nothing I could do.

I found out by what the kids told my mom, that XW uses my house as a scapegoat for punishment. Ex if you kids don't behave I am going to take you to your dads house, drop you off at your dads house, have you live with your dad.

Call her on her BS.Father "Mother, I heard this 'Bla bla bla'. is that true?"

Google "Divorce poison."

[Twofeet]

R2C- Got it, thank you! I googled and now have the info to read. Thanks for the input. I have been doing really well with my own life and development. I just feel like this part the whole D sitch is trying to drag me down. For me to come on here to vent means that I have been chewing at it for a while. Makes me feel bad or childish to do so, but it helps get me back on track.

[Ready2Change]

I had to use the phrase "Hate campaign" with my X once. Got her attention.

[LH19]

What’s new TF?

[Twofeet]

What’s new TF?

Everything....

Work is going well this season. My consulting side gig is bringing in a little extra as well. I have some irons in the fire for expanding that as well as some other business opportunities in the next 3 years. The volunteer work I do related to my job and industry has been going well and has provided a lot of good connections.
My social life has been going well and I have been added to a couple new social circles/ groups of friends. I have some vacations lined up this winter as well.

I hit my weight goal of getting up to 185lbs a while back. I hit a hard plateau so I switched programing that now has me lifting 4 days a week. Last time I weighed myself I was 187lbs and my new target weight is 195 lbs. Because I am busy with work I only have time for hot yoga about once a week. I also run once a week for cardio.


I have been dating through online and through friends. Dating can be kind of meh in my opinion. If you recall my XW was my HS sweetheart and the only person I had been with. So out of my marriage I was basically a virgin to the dating game. Well I found out that if you are a man and you have your act together with minimal to no baggage women line up. Not only that, but I was surprised how easily they want to sleep with me on the first or second date. There is definitely a hookup culture in the age ranges that I date in. I also date 2 to 3 ladies at a time as I have time, currently since I have been so busy I have weeded it down to 1 lady at a time. Before that there was a 29 y/o woman I was dating for a bit that I really liked and we had potential. However, I tend to be a good listener and people like to open up to me. She ended up having more baggage than an airport carousel. When she tried to compare notes all I have is that I am divorced with 3 young well behaved kids, if you want to call that baggage. She told me she was garbage and I deserve someone better than trash like her.... to use her words. She ended it which was fine because her baggage was very serious and I would have ended it either way. Fortunately, from what I gather she stopped dating and is getting help. My thoughts on dating are that I basically will give all walks of life a first date if they seem interesting, and boy have I dated some interesting women. However, the vast majority of women aren't worth a second date. I think its going to take a lot of digging to find anyone worth a serious relationship. Don't settle its not worth it.

My kids are doing well. Glad school is out and the XW has been giving me extra time with them so she can do her thing which is more than likely OM. I have them about 60% of the time, and we have been spending the summer swimming, fishing, and just having a lot of fun. XW has been bringing OM and his teenage boy around the kids and taking kids to OM house. She broke her rule about waiting 6 months and meeting the other parent first. However, I don't want to meet OM. Its funny because when I confronted her about it she said there was no rule, but she still wanted to meet the woman end up with and be able to have convos with her about our kids....LOL. I told her no that wouldn't be happening. Right or wrong I told the kids the reason why mommy divorced daddy was because mommy wanted OM to be her boyfriend. The two youngest didn't get it but D8 did. I let XW know what was said and of course we had words. She denied everything and after I confronted her with some of my evidence she just said I don't give a $h1t what you think anymore. I let her know that was the last time we will ever speak of our former R again. She of course lied to the kids and said OM was just a friend and I don't know what I am talking about. She felt guilty though and bought their love with gifts. That is her usual m.o.... other than that its her usual PITA manipulation and stunts she pulls on me which is getting old. It doesn't work on me despite it being annoying and frustrating. Fortunately, we haven't had much interaction out side of the OM issue. Oh and a side note. I still have a good relationship with XW parents and sister. It sounds like XW had a falling out with her parents and sister, but I don't know why and I don't ask. I don't share XW dirty laundry with anyone. Not my farm, not my fight.

For those who end up D like me you will get to a point when you can look back. You should own your side of the fence because you aren't perfect and you made mistakes. That being said you can see their side of the fence a lot better and have a better perspective of your shared past. I keep learning or seeing new things I never realized and I keep coming to the conclusion that I can't believe the amount of abuse I put up with. My family came very close to cutting ties to XW and I when we were in our MR and now I see why.

[LH19]

TF,

Yeah I hear you on the dating thing I have been on about 20 first dates and two seconds and one third. I just canceled one Monday for tonight because quite frankly I’m just not in the mood lol. I’m thinking about putting it on hold until summer is over. I’ve dated a few WWs and became quite annoyed with their scripts.

Next week will be a year on my own. Had to spend the last couple days with my ex because of school stuff. She’s been initiating a lot of contact but I don’t think anything about it. I do notice she can’t hold eye contact with me which is something new. I hear from the grapevine she’s not seeing anyone and is still unhappy.

All and all my life is good and my kids are great so I can’t complain. Still sometimes wonder how this could all be worth it to them but as the saying goes not my circus not my monkeys.

[Davide]

Great update Twofeet. I hear you about dating fatigue. It is tough. And the older you get the more that you see everyone is bringing their own baggage and scars to a new relationship. I had very good luck early on finding three/four quality women whom I was interested in exploring a relationship with, but that has since dwindled. Date after date with no chemistry is tough, but of course there is no point in settling.

[AnotherStander]

TF, sounds like you are doing awesome! I too can relate on the dating, I had so many first dates that I couldn't escape from fast enough. Finding someone compatible takes a lot of effort! A lot of people say it's like having a 2nd job and I couldn't agree more.And like you said, don't settle! Stick it out until you find that diamond in the wild.

[Ready2Change]

Thanks for the update. You sound good. Welcome to the other side.

[Ready2Change]

Stick it out until you find that diamond in the wild.

Keep sifting. Find one that is open, honest and treats you like a king.

[TBSakaJ9]

Stick it out until you find that diamond in the wild.

Keep sifting. Find one that is open, honest and treats you like a king

Amen! This and compatibility are very hard to find but worth it!!

[Twofeet]

TF,

Yeah I hear you on the dating thing I have been on about 20 first dates and two seconds and one third. I just canceled one Monday for tonight because quite frankly I’m just not in the mood lol. I’m thinking about putting it on hold until summer is over. I’ve dated a few WWs and became quite annoyed with their scripts.

LH19,

The majority of women I have dated so far have never been married, also the majority of women I have dated have only been first dates. I have started dating a friend of a friend and she is D with kids like me, but she initiated the D. What are these scripts that you mention in the quote? I think I have seen you mention something like it on a few other quotes. I am trying to figure out if I am dealing with a potential WW/WAW.

[LH19]

TF,

Statements like “ I am finally learning to put myself first”. “I’m free to do whatever I want”. “I have finally found myself”

[IHCLACS]

^^^ Hell those statements are all over every single dating profile out there. And those statements I've heard right from my WAW as well. " Another variation is "I'm finally standing up for myself and putting myself first" keep them coming LH19

[SoTorn]

Glad you are doing well TF. Im all moved out. I feel very lucky to have met a beautiful young woman. Been six months with this new GF. We get along very well. Its amazing having an emotionally intelligent and empathetic woman. I hope you find a good one. I got lucky honestly. This woman shows me with actions that she wants to be a part of my life. Thats how it should be.

[AnotherStander]

Statements like “ I am finally learning to put myself first”. “I’m free to do whatever I want”. “I have finally found myself”

I believe these are out of the book titled "How to Guarantee You Will Never Have a Second Date with the Same Man"

[LH19]

Update time!

[Ready2Change]

Update time!

This ^^^^^^^

[Twofeet]

Hey all, it has been a while. I still lurk these forums from time to time, but I rarely post. People come and go, new faces, new stories, but in the end its all still a similar problem with no easy answers. We talk about how the walkaway/wayward spouse has blinders on. How could they do this, why would they do this, why didn't I do things differently, etc. However, us LBS definitely have our own blinders on as well. I knew I had those blinders on during the process, but it took some time for them to really come off. It took some time for me to realize who she became and was different than who I thought she was. I thought she was the person I was married to in the first 2 to 3 years of our marriage. Despite that especially in the last 3 years of our marriage she had changed and I couldn't see it. Now that we have been D those attitudes and behaviors she has have only been exacerbated, and have become even more unattractive. I still think about things and surprise myself from time to time, and wonder why I accepted and tolerated certain actions and behaviors. It is not who I am or whom I ever was. I think from my prospective it was to carry that cross and just to make it work without really tackling the real problems head on. Towards the end years of the marriage as much as I do not like who she became, I do not like part of who I was in response to her. Do I wish I still had my M? Yes of course, but only in the fantasy of what I thought it was, not the reality. I look back at what we had and I look now, and it saddens me, especially for my children. I shake my head and think what a d@mn shame. However, these are the scars I carry and who I am is much better than a fantasy.

I am still hitting the weights, 3 to 5 days a week depending on the programing. I went from 165 lbs to a little over 190lbs. Meeting my goals, but they are taking longer to get there than I thought. Still doing Hot Yoga, but I am thinking about backing off on it. It is expensive and I don't see the benefits as much as I would like too. I still need it, but maybe two to four times a month would be enough. I quit meditating, but I think it may help if I start that up again. I found Hot Yoga and lifting to be very meditative in there own way. I really wasn't able to get any quality big game hunting done this year as either work or the weather didn't cooperate. Now I have switched to bird hunting with the former father in law, and I have had more time to do that.

My work has finally slowed down for the moment, or at least enough to catch our breath and reset. We have a lot of potential going into the future so I am excited to see where that road goes. With my side business I was able to exceed my client goals that I initially set up for my side business. I am looking forward to seeing where I can take that as well. I have been really working hard at establishing myself as a leader in our local industry and I think I have been fairly successful. While moving back to my home state when we were M wasn't what I wanted, it has turned out pretty well for my career.

I have been spending a lot of time with my family, and my kids. Still running around with people I know and meeting new people and new social circles. I did a lot of dating mostly online, but found that to be not great. I don't have any issues getting dates, but I found dating post divorce means that everyone comes with baggage wither the woman was a divorcee or not. I have found that the women I have dated like to hide the amount off baggage that they have, but it eventually comes out. Fortunately, I met a lady through a friend, and while she has her issues, as far as I can tell they are manageable with no red flags. We have been seeing each other for about 5.5 month with about the last 3 of that being exclusive dating. By reading the signs I think she has developed or is developing strong feelings towards me. However, for me post-D things are just different. I am very fond of this woman, but there is no infatuation, or lovey dovey feelings anymore. Its just different and the scars from my M and D probably do not help much. I think I have read some similar sentiments possibly from AS or other post-D posters. It is still something I am trying to figure out. I do know whatever I had with the exW is gone, and I do not think I will ever love another in that way again. Sorry its just hard to describe. Fortunately, neither of us are looking to get married again, and because of work and kids (she has 2 that are around the same age as my 2 youngest kids) we just take things slow and see each other once a week and/or on kid free weekends.

The co-parenting with the exW has been an interesting ride. For the most part things have been smooth, but when its too smooth I just know its a matter of time before she calls up being indignant about something. Very similar to our marriage. In fact the one thing I am having a hard time getting through to her is that we are not married. She likes to take her problems to me, and I have to gently tell her I don't care and she needs to solve them or to take it up with her BF (who is the same OM from the get go). From what I understand she and her BF are building a house and are possible getting married. Sounds like this has caused some blow back from the kids. How do I know about this? Well she calls me up to blame me, LOL! She can be a real PITA. Unfortunately, for some reason she has blown up her R with her parents and sis. So now I take the kids to see her family, since she wont speak to them. At least I have a good R with her family and its never been awkward because we don't talk about exW. The exW took a new job that was supposed to give her more free time and flexibility, but the reality is that she travels a lot more. She did it obviously because her and her BF were coworkers and they can't be together and keep their jobs. The plus side to this is that while we have 50/50 custody, it is probably at least 60/40 so I spend a lot of time with them. I had the kids for almost the entire month of November. It was great! There is a lot more that has gone on with exW than what I have put here, but that is enough of her business to give a cursory glance of my dealings with her. Anyone who is co-parenting just put your kids first and don't back down to the exS demands at the determent of your children.

To wrap up...things are good, could be better, and hopefully will be. I am on my trajectory, but its now a new life. Getting to where I am going is a little different, these waters are uncharted, but I will be okay. We will all be okay if we want to be.

[Ready2Change]

Thanks for the update.